I was devastated when our mutual friends chose him over me. Here’s how I chose myself.

Before my move to New York City six years ago, I was a part of a close-knit group of friends. We were seven, and we were inseparable. Life was good, friendships were strong, and we truly believed in the adage “friends are the family we choose.” But then, things took an unexpected turn when my five-year-long relationship with one of the group members ended on a sour note.

The city that never sleeps soon became the backdrop for our breakup drama. We were both trying to move on, but it was hard when we shared the same circle of friends. You’d think that our friends would remain neutral, or at least try to be. But that’s not what happened.

To my surprise, and heartache, our mutual friends sided with him. They chose him over me. The reasons for their choice were as diverse as the ethnicities in NYC — from his charismatic persona to his ability to spin a good narrative about our breakup. Slowly and painfully, I found myself on the outskirts of a group I once called my family.

I was devastated. My social network shrunk overnight, and my days were filled with more loneliness than I had ever imagined. But it wasn’t just about losing friends; it was also about being rejected by people who I thought knew me better.

At first, I wallowed in self-pity and regret. But then I realized something essential — it was time for me to choose myself. So, instead of dwelling on their choice, I started focusing on mine.

This journey of self-discovery and self-love wasn’t easy or immediate, but it was transformative. Today, as I look back on this tumultuous period in my life from my cozy apartment in Denver, where I’ve been living for the past year and a half, I can’t help but acknowledge just how much this experience changed me.

Here’s what it’s been like to put myself first, navigate the aftermath of a friend breakup, and ultimately, redefine the meaning of friendship.

Choosing myself amidst the heartbreak

Choosing myself after losing my friends turned out to be a journey of self-discovery that I never knew I needed. Initially, the loneliness was overwhelming. But as time went by, I found solace in solitude.

I used this time to reflect on myself. Why did I let other’s opinions affect me so much? Why was I seeking validation from people who clearly didn’t value me enough?

These questions led me to realize that I was using my friends as a crutch, scared of being alone. So I started doing things alone — going to movies, eating at restaurants, even traveling.

I also started journaling as a way to express my feelings. It was cathartic, a way to let out all my frustrations and insecurities without judgment. In these pages, I found a sounding board and a confidante.

I began reading self-help books and attending personal growth workshops too. They introduced me to concepts like self-love and self-worth and helped me understand that the love and respect we seek from others should first come from within ourselves.

But most importantly, I gave myself time — Time to heal, time to rediscover who I am outside of my relationships, and time to rebuild my life on my terms.

This personal journey has led me to question a commonly held belief about friendship and loyalty. In the next section, we’ll delve into why we often cling to toxic relationships and why it’s essential to choose ourselves over the comfort of familiarity.

Challenging the belief about friendship and loyalty

There’s this notion that friendships are forever, that the bonds we form are unbreakable. And when we face a situation like mine, it feels like a betrayal. It’s easy to believe that friends should always stand by you, no matter what. But my experience made me question this belief.

Friendships, like any other relationship, should be grounded in mutual respect and understanding. Loyalty shouldn’t mean standing by someone blindly; it should mean being there for each other in a healthy, constructive way.

When my friends chose him over me, it wasn’t just about taking sides in a breakup. It was about them choosing a narrative that suited them, without considering my feelings. It was about their comfort over my well-being.

This experience showed me that loyalty and friendship are not about keeping score or sticking together no matter the cost. It’s about empathy, understanding, and mutual support.

In the upcoming section, I’ll share how I put these realizations into action and the steps I took to rebuild my social circle — one that reflected my newfound belief in friendship and loyalty.

Rebuilding my social circle with intention

After understanding the true essence of friendship, I was ready to build a new social circle. This time, it wasn’t about quantity but quality. I wanted friends who would respect me, understand me, and be there for me, just as I would be for them.

I began by reaching out to old friends — those who were not a part of the drama. I also took up new hobbies and joined several clubs and communities where I met people with similar interests.

But the most important part was setting boundaries. I made it clear from the beginning what I expected from these relationships — mutual respect, honesty, and compassion.

Slowly but surely, I found myself surrounded by people who valued me for who I was. They did not just fill the void left by my old friends; they helped me understand that it’s okay to expect more from your friendships.

So if you’re in a situation similar to mine, remember this — it’s okay to choose yourself over toxic relationships. Surround yourself with people who respect you and make you feel loved and appreciated. It might be scary at first, but trust me, it’s worth it. And remember, the first step is always choosing yourself.

Embracing the bigger picture

Looking back, I realize that this journey of healing and self-discovery has taught me some invaluable life lessons. It has made me see beyond the immediate crisis and understand the broader perspective of life.

Firstly, taking responsibility for my situation, even though it wasn’t my fault, empowered me. It gave me the control to change things, to move forward instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Secondly, this experience taught me to think for myself. I learned to question societal expectations and norms about friendship and loyalty. I understood that many of our beliefs are shaped by external influences and cultural programming.

Lastly, I realized the importance of aligning my life with my true nature. This means pursuing my own ambitions and desires, not those imposed by others.

To summarize, here’s what this journey has taught me:

  • Take responsibility for your situation, even when it’s not your fault.
  • Learn to think for yourself, question societal norms and expectations.
  • Align your life with your true nature.

These lessons have not just helped me rebuild my social circle; they have also given me a new perspective on life. They have enabled me to face reality without blind positivity, embrace self-development over feel-good mysticism, and reshape my reality through self-exploration.

If you’re going through a similar situation, I highly recommend this guide by Annabel Acton. It helped me navigate the emotional turmoil of a breakup and provided practical steps for moving forward.

Remember, it’s not just about overcoming a breakup or losing friends; it’s about embracing the journey of self-discovery and empowerment. And trust me, it’s worth every step.

Pearl Nash

Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. Pearl is also an accredited astrologer and publishes Hack Spirit's daily horoscope.

9 ways your small talk habits reveal your true personality

If a man displays these 9 behaviors, he’s probably emotionally unavailable