I was always lonely and insecure until I stopped doing these 9 things

Loneliness and insecurity were my constant companions, until I made some crucial changes in my life.

For a long time, I was stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk and isolation. It felt like I was on the outside, looking in.

But then, I decided to take control. I identified nine habits that were holding me back, and I stopped doing them.

What were these habits? And how did my life change when I let them go?

Let’s dive in and find out. This is my story of transformation, from being a lonely and insecure person to someone who is comfortable in their own skin. And who knows? Maybe my journey can help you too.

1) Seeking validation

My journey away from loneliness and insecurity started with understanding my own self-worth.

I had a habit of seeking validation from others. I wanted to be liked, to fit in, and I would adjust my behavior based on what I thought others would approve of. This constant need for validation made me feel even more insecure and lonely.

The truth is, seeking validation from others is a never-ending game. You can never please everyone.

And here’s the kicker: the more you try to fit in, the more you lose yourself. You start to forget who you truly are, what you truly want, and what you truly value.

So, I stopped seeking validation from others. Instead, I started to focus on self-validation. I started to acknowledge my own strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they seemed.

When I made this shift, I noticed a dramatic decrease in my feelings of loneliness and insecurity. I felt more authentic and connected to myself than ever before.

Remember, your worth is not determined by other people’s opinions. It’s determined by your own thoughts and actions.

So go ahead, give yourself some credit!

2) Avoiding social situations

Another habit that perpetuated my loneliness and insecurity was my tendency to avoid social situations.

I remember one time, I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. Instead of being excited, I was filled with dread. I was worried about how I would fit in, what others would think of me, and whether or not I would say the wrong thing.

So, I did what I had always done: I made up an excuse and stayed home. Alone. And as the evening passed, I found myself feeling lonelier than ever.

That’s when I realized that my fear of social situations was actually contributing to my loneliness and insecurity. By avoiding these situations, I was isolating myself and reinforcing my feelings of not belonging.

So, I started pushing myself to attend more social gatherings. Yes, it was uncomfortable at first. Yes, there were times when I felt out of place. But the more I persisted, the easier it became.

And over time, not only did my fear of social situations decrease, but my confidence increased as well.

I learned that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes. It’s a part of growing and learning. Most importantly, it’s a step towards overcoming loneliness and insecurity.

3) Negative self-talk

One of the most damaging things I was doing to myself was engaging in negative self-talk.

Did you know that our minds produce up to 60,000 thoughts per day? And according to research, a large percentage of these thoughts are negative.

In my case, I was constantly telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I was unlovable, and that I would always be alone. These thoughts were like a dark cloud over my head, casting a shadow on every aspect of my life.

So, I decided to change the narrative.

Instead of focusing on my flaws and failures, I started focusing on my strengths and accomplishments. Whenever a negative thought popped into my head, I would challenge it with a positive one.

Over time, this simple shift in thinking made a huge impact on my feelings of loneliness and insecurity. It helped me realize that I am not defined by my negative thoughts. Instead, I have the power to choose how I perceive myself.

4) Living in the past and future

One thing I realized was that I was spending a lot of my time living either in the past, ruminating over past mistakes and regrets, or in the future, worrying about things that hadn’t even happened yet.

This constant state of ‘time-traveling’ was keeping me from truly living in the present moment.

So, I decided to change my focus. I started practicing mindfulness, a technique that encourages you to stay present and fully engaged with whatever you’re doing at the moment.

Mindfulness helped me to let go of my regrets from the past and anxieties about the future. It allowed me to truly live in the moment, appreciate what I have, and feel more connected with myself and others.

Living in the present moment made me realize that most of my worries were unfounded and that I had been missing out on a lot of joy by not being fully present. Dwelling in the past or worrying about the future only leads to unhappiness.

Remember, the past is gone and the future isn’t promised. The only time we truly have is now. Make it count!

5) Comparing myself to others

Another habit I had to let go of was constantly comparing myself to others.

It’s easy to scroll through social media and see people living seemingly perfect lives. And it’s equally easy to compare your life to theirs and feel inadequate.

I found myself doing this all the time, and it was eating away at my self-esteem. I felt like I was always a step behind everyone else, always lacking in some way.

So, I decided to stop the comparisons. I started focusing on my own journey, my own progress. I realized that everyone’s path is different, and it doesn’t make sense to compare apples to oranges.

This shift in perspective helped me feel more secure in who I am. I learned to celebrate my achievements, no matter how small they may seem compared to others.

I realized that life isn’t a race or a competition. It’s about becoming the best version of yourself. And the only person you should be comparing yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

6) Ignoring my feelings

For a long time, I thought the best way to handle my feelings of loneliness and insecurity was to ignore them. I would put on a brave face and pretend everything was fine, even when it wasn’t.

But here’s what I discovered: ignoring your feelings doesn’t make them go away. If anything, it just buries them deeper, causing them to grow and fester.

So, I made the decision to start acknowledging my feelings. To sit with them, understand them, and accept them without judgment. It was difficult at first, like opening a wound that had been poorly bandaged for too long.

But acknowledging my emotions allowed me to start healing. I realized that it’s okay to feel lonely or insecure sometimes. That these feelings don’t define me, they’re just part of the human experience.

Remember, it’s okay to feel your feelings. They are not your enemy. They are signals, telling you what’s going on inside. Listen to them, understand them, and let them guide you toward growth and healing.

7) Isolating myself

In my darkest moments of loneliness and insecurity, I had a tendency to isolate myself. I thought that by keeping others at a distance, I could protect myself from judgement and rejection.

I remember one winter when I hardly left my apartment. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. The isolation seemed to amplify my feelings of loneliness and insecurity.

Then one day, a friend stopped by unannounced. Seeing the state I was in, she insisted that I join her for a walk outside. That simple act of connection made me realize how much I had been missing.

So, I started to push myself out of my comfort zone. I began to reach out to friends, join social groups, and even volunteer in my community.

Reaching out to others and building connections helped me feel less alone. It helped me realize that everyone has their own struggles and insecurities, and that it’s okay to lean on others for support.

Remember, we are social creatures by nature. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others. You may be surprised at the warmth and connection you find.

8) Setting unrealistic expectations

Another habit that was feeding my insecurity was setting unrealistic expectations for myself. I would set these high standards and then beat myself up when I couldn’t reach them.

I had this idea in my head of who I should be and what I should accomplish, and anything less felt like a failure. This mindset was exhausting and left me feeling perpetually unsatisfied with myself.

So, I decided to let go of these unrealistic expectations. Instead, I started setting attainable goals and celebrating small victories along the way.

This shift in mindset helped me build confidence in my abilities and made me feel more secure in myself. It also helped me appreciate the journey more than the destination.

Remember, it’s good to have goals and standards, but they need to be realistic. Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection. You are human, and it’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn and grow.

9) Not practicing self-love

The most important thing I had to stop doing was neglecting to practice self-love.

For a long time, I was my own harshest critic. I berated myself for every mistake, every shortcoming. I treated myself in ways I would never treat others.

So, I made a conscious decision to start treating myself with kindness and compassion. I began to practice self-love by taking care of my physical health, setting boundaries, and spending time doing things I enjoy.

Practicing self-love helped me to accept myself as I am, flaws and all. It helped me realize that I am deserving of love and respect, just like everyone else.

Self-love is the foundation upon which all other growth is built. If you can learn to love and accept yourself, you’ll find that feelings of loneliness and insecurity start to fade away. You are enough, just as you are. Always remember that.

The essence: It’s a journey

As we navigate through the complexities of life, it’s essential to remember that our journey towards self-love and acceptance is unique and deeply personal.

Overcoming feelings of loneliness and insecurity isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. It requires time, patience, and a commitment to self-improvement.

It’s about recognizing the habits that hold us back and confronting them with courage. It’s about embracing our faults and flaws, understanding that they add depth to our character, and not letting them overshadow our worth.

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

And that’s the essence of it all. The first step towards overcoming loneliness and insecurity is self-acceptance. It’s about acknowledging your feelings, understanding your worth, and knowing that it’s okay to be imperfect.

The journey may not be easy, but it’s worth it. And remember, you’re not alone. We’re all navigating this life together, each with our own struggles and triumphs. So take a deep breath, embrace the journey, and know that you are enough, just as you are.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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