We’re always told as girls that if you want to get a guy to chase you, you need to play hard to get.
We’ve been led to believe this is how you spark their interest. But what happens when it blows up in your face?
I played hard to get with a guy I liked, and he gave up.
Rather than chase me, he threw in the towel and cut his losses. It took some effort, but I’m happy to say I did manage to get him back.
If you’re in a similar situation, I wanted to share the steps I took.
What happens when you play too hard to get?
Does playing hard to get ever work? I think to a certain extent it can do, but too many of us (me included) often play it all wrong.
There’s a huge difference between keeping your cool and seeming totally uninterested.
Here’s what I mean.
Keeping your cool means not chasing after him, looking needy, or desperate for his attention and time.
This can really work in your favor when you like a guy. It shows them that you have other things going on, and a full and interesting life without him. That makes you all the more desirable.
But if you play hard to get, and he thinks you’re not into him, he’s likely to give up. Love isn’t a game and everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
Think about it. Why would any self-respecting guy keep trying if he was getting absolutely nothing back from you?
If your attempts at seeming mysterious have come off as completely aloof, here’s what to do to turn things around.
1) Figure out how you really feel
I’m starting off with this one as I think it’s only fair to work out what it is you want from him before going any further.
This is where you check in with yourself and get brutally honest.
Do you genuinely like this guy? Or do you just miss the attention he gave you?
Maybe you’re not really sure.
If you still aren’t sure whether you are really into him or not, it’s better to give the situation a bit of time and space to figure out your real feelings.
Sometimes we keep someone at arm’s length, not because we’re playing hard to get, but because we’re not sure if we genuinely like them.
If this could be the case, you should take a step back.
It’s not nice to play with people’s feelings. And blowing hot and cold if you don’t know what you want is cruel.
2) Reach out to him
Has he definitely given up totally or has he just taken a step back?
Maybe he was in constant contact, but now you haven’t heard from him in a few days.
If you’re not sure whether he has completely lost interest or not, I’d recommend testing the water.
In my situation, the guy in question just went a bit cold on me. I could sense it, but I wasn’t 100% sure he had gone for good.
So I got in contact with him.
I sent him a casual text, just to see how he would respond.
Before you jump to any firm conclusions, I’d reach out to see what he does.
You might be able to get things back on track by giving him some attention that lets him know you are interested.
3) Ask for his help
Ok, so what if sending a quick text isn’t enough to win him back?
I did get a response from my guy, but it took him a long time to reply and his answer was really short.
It was clear to me at that point that I played hard to get and now he’s ignoring me. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to play me at my own game, punish me, or had genuinely gone off me.
But when playing hard to get goes wrong you will usually need to make way more effort.
After all, his feelings are most likely hurt and there’s a good chance he is feeling rejected and pretty fed up and frustrated.
Right now he needs to feel more in control. As silly as it sounds, you need to help him feel manly again.
He was trying to woo you and got the door slammed in his face, so he needs to feel like your hero to bolster his self-esteem again.
One of the ways to do this is by reaching out and asking for his help with something.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
4) Come clean
Playing games got you here in the first place. Sometimes when we’ve played hard to get and it backfires the best thing to do is come clean and own it.
If you have pushed him away, then perhaps only a big gesture will do.
It might be time to lay your cards on the table and hold your hands up to the mistakes you have made.
Asking for my guy’s help luckily worked in bringing him back into my life. But he wasn’t the same as before.
He had his walls up and I could tell. And who could blame him?
I knew that if I wanted to show him I was serious, I needed to take some responsibility for how I’d behaved.
So I swallowed my pride and told him that I’d been a fool.
I explained I liked him, that I’d totally done the wrong thing and that I wanted to make it up to him.
“Sorry” may only be a little word, but when it is said with sincerity it can have a big impact in mending broken things.
5) Give him time to come around but respect his decision
When you have shown him attention, tried to bring him back into your life, and come clean about how you feel — it’s up to him to decide.
I’m lucky that I hadn’t scared my guy off for good. But sadly, there are no guarantees.
Sometimes, even after showing that you do respect him, a guy may decide to move on. It happens.
But the key is not to give up too soon. You may have to prove that you do like him for a while before he believes you.
Give him some space and hopefully, he will come back to you. But if he doesn’t, you’ve got to accept it and learn for next time.
6) Learn lessons
This is where you need to ask yourself: What did I learn from this experience?
What would I change if I were to try this again?
Did I handle myself well or poorly?
How can I avoid making the same mistake next time?
You should also think about why you behaved the way you did.
Was it because you felt insecure, or maybe you were looking for validation? Perhaps you aren’t ready to settle down yet?
Whatever the reason, you need to understand what went wrong so you don’t go on to make the same mistake in the future.
Every situation in life, especially when we feel like we messed up, offers us a chance for reflection.
Mistakes don’t make you a bad person, it’s all part of how we learn and grow.
In my case, I realized that trying to play hard to get is pretty immature. But I had been using it as a defense mechanism.
Being vulnerable and showing someone how you really feel can be scary. But if you want genuine connections, it’s also the only way.
I came to understand that I played hard to get because I was actually scared of being rejected.
This realization has spurred me on to be brave enough to be upfront about my feelings in the future. And know that no matter what happens, I’ll be ok.
Sincerity can be intimidating, but I’ve come to understand that if you want to build trust and intimacy in a relationship — it’s also essential.
To conclude: Playing hard to get backfired
By now you should have a better idea of what to do if you played hard to get but he walked away.
It might take a bit of time to win him over and rebuild trust. But the key now is getting through to your man in a way that empowers both him and you.
I mentioned the concept of the hero instinct earlier — by appealing directly to his primal instincts, you stand the best chance of not only solving the issues between you, but also taking your relationship further than ever before.
And since this free video reveals exactly how to trigger your man’s hero instinct, you could make this change as early as today.
With James Bauer’s incredible concept, he’ll see you as the only woman for him. So if you’re ready to take that plunge, be sure to check out the video now.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.