Pearl Nash
You’ve been hiding your feelings for this man.
Perhaps he’s already taken, or perhaps you’re simply afraid of being rejected.
At one point, you even hoped that your feelings would eventually fade away… but then you learn that isn’t the case.
To help you along, In this article I will give you 14 tips on how to handle being secretly in love with someone…and whether or not you should pursue him in the first place.
1) Develop a healthy mindset on love and dating
Love isn’t easy, and if you are to avoid burning yourself out before you find the one for you, it’s important that you develop a healthy mindset on love and dating.
Acknowledging that you might fail makes it easier to handle rejection.
Mastering this mindset will help you not just in love, but in life at large.
You see, not everything is going to go your way in love and in life—that “perfect guy” might say no, or the person you’ve fallen in love with might not be as perfect as you thought he was.
If you expect too much—that you will be accepted, or that the person you want to date is literally perfect—then you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.
The secret to keep in mind is to dream high, but keep your expectations low.
You want him, so you might as well ask him. Sure he might say no, but there’s also a chance that he’ll say yes.
2) Push yourself to take risks
Managing your expectations and embracing a healthier mindset towards relationships is just the first step. You also need to steel yourself, to push aside your fears and take risks.
Think about what you have to lose by trying to ask him out.
Perhaps you’re good friends and you’re afraid that asking him out will make things weird between you. Or perhaps you’re just afraid of rejection.
The thing is that you should be less afraid of “missing” your mark by trying.
You miss 100% of all the shots you don’t take. And if he truly is deserving of being called a good friend, then he can continue being friends with you even if he says no.
An important reminder: You don’t have to make bold gestures, and taking risks doesn’t mean you don’t try to plan ahead. Think about the best way you can open up to them—and start small, such as with a couple of texts saying hi.
Bit by bit, you’ll start to gain confidence in yourself that even if he would end up rejecting you, you’d still feel great about yourself for being brave.
3) Get guidance from a relationship coach
While this article gives general advice on how to handle being secretly in love with someone, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach so you’ll be guided better.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like unrequited love. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I contacted them when I was struggling with self-esteem issues after being single for too long. I thought that there was something wrong with me and it affected the way I interacted with my dates.
They helped me fix how I view myself and dating. In just a few sessions, my dating life improved dramatically.
So yes, do give them a try.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
4) Take it slow
Perhaps you haven’t made your feelings known to him yet because you are unsure whether he likes you back. It’s quite embarrassing to give someone a heartfelt confession when they aren’t even interested in you!
This is why it’s important to pace yourself and be subtle.
Approach him slowly and try to read his interest in you instead of bombarding him with affection right away.
Being too obvious and deliberate can easily creep him out, even if he actually does like you in return.
He would be thinking “woah, too fast!” and back out.
You can start by simply talking to him, asking him about his day, and gauging his reactions.
How enthusiastic is he? What tone does he use when speaking with you?
Based on how he reacts, try to subtly tease or flirt with him.
Try to make him blush, but don’t lay it in too hard.
Keep observing, and if he responds positively start getting more and more forward until you’re confident enough to let him know your feelings.
Good things take time, after all—whether you’re trying to seduce someone or simply get to know them, it’s always better to take it slow and easy.
5) Get inspiration from those who fight for love
Look for real-life examples of women who pursue the men of their dreams.
You’d realize how brave they are for fighting for what they want, and that you’d want to be one of them.
Maybe your aunt was the first one to say “I love you” to your uncle. Or maybe you have a friend who wrote a love letter to her now husband while they’re still practically strangers.
Or you can even find some inspiration from songs and movies.
You have to break this notion that it should be the man who does the pursuing, and that women should just wait.
Empower yourself.
You’re a human being who should be able to pursue whatever it is that they want—and that includes men.
6) Don’t give a damn about what others might think
Most of the time, we don’t express our feelings for someone because we’re worried about what others might think.
Maybe you’re classmates or colleagues and you’re scared that if everyone would find out that you’re in love with him, they’d think you’re sleazy.
Or they’d tease you to death and it would make things awkward…or worse, the guy would reject you and everyone would know!
Listen, if you keep worrying about what others might think, you’re imprisoning yourself.
Those people have their own worries and concerns, and sure they might think about you for a minute or two, but here’s the thing: they really don’t care about you that much.
Set yourself free by adapting an “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude.
In ten years or even a year, they’ll stop talking about you if they ever do in the first place.
What’s more important is your love. And more than that, that you follow your heart’s desire.
7) Stir his interest (subtly) using texts
I talked about taking things slow. And the best way to do that is through texting. It’s a good way to test the waters compared to face-to-face interactions.
But more than that, if done well, it’s one of the best ways a woman can make a man fall in love with her.
How?
It’s about making him curious and excited about you.
As dating and relationship coach Clayton Max says, “It’s not about checking all the boxes on a man’s list of what makes his ‘perfect girl’. A woman can’t “convince” a man to want to be with her”.
Instead, men choose women who they are infatuated with. These women stir up a sense of excitement and desire to chase them by what they say in their texts.
Want a few simple tips to be this woman?
Then watch Clayton Max’s quick video here where he shows you how to make a man infatuated with you (it’s easier than you probably think).
Infatuation is triggered by a primal drive deep within the male brain. And although it sounds crazy, there are a combination of words you can say to generate feelings of red-hot passion for you.
To learn exactly what these texts are, watch Clayton’s excellent video now.
8) Weigh the pros and cons
Any decision you make will have its pros and cons.
Although we can’t tell exactly what will happen if you make your feelings known, there are other elements and factors that you already know.
Below in this article, I’ve listed the basic questions to ask yourself when weighing the pros and cons of pursuing a guy you’re in love with. But it would do you good if you do it yourself, too. After all, you know yourself the best.
Get a pen and paper if you like, and find a moment in your day where you can truly be alone with your thoughts.
Write down the advantages and disadvantages of letting a guy know you’re into him. Don’t limit it to the actual outcome, you should also include how it will make YOU feel.
Don’t filter yourself. Write as many pros and cons as you can.
And if you have a coach from Relationship Hero, give them your list so they can guide you better.
9) Ask yourself what YOU really want
I know this is about love, and when we love, it’s only natural that we care more about the other person.
We “love” so much to the point that we forget about ourselves.
Don’t do this, even if they’re worth it.
You have to put yourself at the center even if you’re thinking about pursuing a guy.
How?
Think about yourself and what you really want with your life. Think of your wellbeing, your future, and your own happiness.
Think about your future children and how this decision would affect them and make them feel.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you really think this guy would be good for you and that you should pursue him?
Will he be a good match to the life you imagined for yourself? Or are you throwing it all out just because you’re blinded by your love for him?
10) Believe that you deserve genuine love
Trauma from bullying and rejection can distort how we see ourselves. Those kinds of pain go so deep that they affect us to the core without even us realizing it.
Maybe your sister used to say “You’re so annoying, you’ll be alone forever!” when you’re still kids. Although it’s something childish, it could have an effect on how you view yourself and relationships.
For example, it might be the reason you pull away when someone shows you affection. You’re worried that they’ll know the “annoying” version of you and start to lose interest.
Or maybe you had an ex who cheated on you and you’re worried that the next one would do the same.
You have to heal.
Try to go to therapy if you can, be more prayerful, and keep telling yourself that you deserve love because you’re definitely worth it.
Once you’re convinced that you deserve real love, you’ll be able to gauge better if the man is worth pursuing or not.
11) Find out if he’s worth it
The only time I’d do anything for love is when I have a very strong feeling that they could be the one.
And yes, by that I mean that they could be my soulmate.
Of course, I’ve been proven wrong many times as the relationships progress—I eventually find out we’re not a good match—but you must at least feel strongly at the beginning that they could be the one for you. Otherwise, what’s the point?
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12) Don’t take love and dating too seriously
Lighten up. It’s just love.
Maybe the reason you’re so scared of revealing your feelings is that you take dating and relationships too seriously.
Sure, be passionate, and be seriously passionate while you’re at it. But don’t see love and dating as a life-and-death kind of thing.
Although it might seem like it, your world won’t crumble if they find out you’re in love with them. Heck, it won’t crumble even if they reject you in front of 8 billion people.
Chances are, they’re just one of the many men you’ll fall in love with in this lifetime.
Your only goal is to explore and express, and most of all—to enjoy and learn from it all.
13) Prepare for rejection
Perhaps you realize it’s risky to love him for one reason or another.
Well then, you have to prepare yourself when you indeed get heartache from letting him know that you like him.
The best way to do that is to have a “Moving On Plan.”
How to do this depends entirely on you.
How do you move on from any heartbreak?
Do you get drunk with friends? Do you travel? Do you eat a tub of ice cream while watching your favorite sitcoms?
Think of it as an insurance plan. You wouldn’t wish for you to get broken hearted, but it’s good to know you’re prepared just in case.
This will also make you realize that nothing too bad is going to happen to you when you get rejected. You’ll move on from him the same way you’ve moved on from all the other men you loved in the past.
14) Be ready for love
If you share your feelings with someone, you should also be ready for the chance that they will say yes.
If that scares you, then you have a lot of preparation to do.
It might seem like this is a no-brainer at first, but so many people get into relationships unprepared for it which then leads to them messing it up or being overwhelmed.
So when you go to him and let him know that you love him, you must be prepared not just for rejection, but also for acceptance. It could only really be one or the other.
After all, what if he’s in love with you too? What if this will lead to a long, committed relationship and even marriage?
Get ready for good things to come!
Should you really pursue this guy?
Being able to express love is a blessing. And the opposite is true—NOT being able to express one’s love is one of the worst kinds of suffering.
It’s painful to restrain yourself from loving someone, especially if you have a lot of love to give.
But at the same time, if everyone would just freely express their love (as well as other feelings), the world would be in great chaos.
So before giving you tips on how to make him want you, let us first analyze if it’s really a good idea to let him know you’re in love with him.
No, you should probably walk away
Romantics like to say that you should always follow your heart, that you should pursue love no matter what.
But while this might sway your heart—after all it sounds so ideal, so romantic—the truth is that reality isn’t that straightforward.
There are many situations when you should not pursue a guy no matter how you feel about him, and these are some of them:
- If he’s already married or in a relationship.
- If he’s your teacher, boss, or mentor.
- If you still haven’t fully healed from your last relationship.
- If he has issues and you find yourself thinking “I can fix him!”
- If he doesn’t have good relationship skills.
- If either of you had just broken up with someone.
Yes, go after him!
Plenty of love stories DON’T happen in real life simply because two people restrain themselves from expressing their interest for each other.
Here are some situations in which it’s highly encouraged that you pursue the man you’re in love with, or at least let him be aware that you have feelings for him.
- If you’re just shy.
- If you’re just nervous.
- If the only thing that’s holding you back is pride.
- If he’s single.
- If you think you’re a good match.
- If you’re ready to love.
- If you’re ready to face the consequences.
- If you know you will beat yourself up for not giving it a try.
- If he’s truly special.
If you’re feeling scared and insecure, remember the Mark Twain quote.
“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
How to pursue him without looking desperate
It’s always scary opening up to someone you have feelings for. What if you end up chasing him away instead?
Well, that’s why you should worm your way into his heart through subtle gestures. Eventually it won’t be just you chasing after him—he’ll come after you.
Here are some ways to pursue a guy without him being aware you’re pursuing him:
1) Be there for him
One of the best ways to get him closer to you is by simply being there for him.
Talk to him, listen to him when he has something to say. Perhaps share your own insights as well.
And sometimes, even just hanging out together and not talking is good enough when there’s nothing to talk about.
So text him from time to time and hang out with him whenever you can. Be a friend—and if you already are, be a better friend.
2) Be your honest self
This might seem frightening. You aren’t perfect—what if he doesn’t like what he sees and gets turned off?
But the thing is that if you want to be in a relationship with him, he might as well know what he’s getting. Not only that, if you fake who you are, he’ll be able to notice it.
Besides, it’s quite possible that he’ll end up liking those little quirks of yours that make you who you are.
But as with your feelings, you should not dump it on him all at once or he’ll get overwhelmed. Instead, befriend him and simply show him more and more about yourself as you grow closer.
3) Make him feel good about himself
People say that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his belly. But this isn’t exactly accurate—it doesn’t matter how many gifts you give someone, or how much you do for their sake.
In the end, what matters is how you make them feel about themselves.
So, do you think he feels confident and comfortable when you’re around, or do you notice him walking on eggshells?
For that reason, it’s a good idea to pay attention to what he wants, or the things he does.
Make sure he can be his genuine self without feeling like he’s being ignored or judged.
Men aren’t going to want to date someone who doesn’t make him feel special, and even less if he feels discomfort. But if you make him feel good about himself, he’s going to think that there’s something special about you.
4) Match his level of interest in you
One of the biggest tells that you’re being desperate is that you give him far more than he’s willing to give back.
At the same time, make sure that you aren’t also giving less than what he’s giving or you’ll discourage him.
So it’s important that, when you’re together, you pay attention to how engaged he is with you and try to match his pace.
If he’s been texting you huge walls of text, then try to respond with your own walls. But if he replies with one-word messages or barely engages in conversation, then tune down your own responses.
5) Find indirect ways to express your love
There are certainly ways you can express your love for them without being blatant about it.
For example, if you know he’s into games, maybe you can buy him a console or artwork of his favorite games. Or, if he’s into chess, you can try to ask if he can teach you the game.
Another good example would be reading the books he likes, or listening to the music he likes, and then talking about it.
Show him that you’re interested in his interests, and he’ll be drawn to you like a moth to a flame.
Conlusion
There are many valid reasons why he might not know that you love him. Perhaps you’re just shy or cautious, or perhaps he’s already taken.
Whatever your reasons may be, it’s important that you put in effort to understand your circumstances before you act.
There are times, after all, when the better choice is to either remain friends or simply not get involved.
But should you find that the only thing holding you back is fear and anxiety, then it’s important to remember that any opportunity not taken is an opportunity wasted.
Try to befriend him, at the very least. Then show your love in little ways until he gets a hint.
Even if he will reject you (he won’t), you’ll be proud of yourself for giving love a shot.
