I have a boyfriend but he still wants me (6 reasons why)

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Sometimes it might feel like men are like buses — nothing for ages and then all of a sudden several come along at once.

The moment you get a boyfriend, your previously nonexistent love life seems to be full of guys who want you, even though they can’t have you.

So why do guys want you more when you have a boyfriend? The truth is that often a girl really does become more attractive to a man when she has a boyfriend.

Read on to find out 6 reasons why and how you can harness this power, even when you’re single.

Does he just want what he can’t have?

We’ve probably all heard the saying that people always want what they can’t have. There’s definitely some truth in this.

In fact, desiring something more when we know it is in short supply is a recognized cognitive bias called the scarcity effect.

It says that people basically place a higher value on something that appears scarce and a lower value on one that is more available.

Marketers put this to good use when they try and sell things to us.

Of course, people are not products and you might think it wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) apply to other human beings. But look at it this way, when somebody else sees the value in someone, it is a bit like them getting the seal of approval.

So, it’s true that there may be a bit of him wanting what he can’t have at play — but it’s certainly not that simple. Chances are what is really going on has far more to do with you and a change in the vibes you are giving off.

Your energy is more attractive to men when you have a boyfriend

What seems like some serious voodoo magic that suddenly has guys flocking around you as soon as you get a boyfriend, is actually to do with subtle shifts in your energy.

You may not even be aware of it but when you have a boyfriend you could be giving off a totally different energy than when you were single — one that is ironically far more attractive to men. (Don’t worry though, we’ll go on to talk about how you can tap into this when you’re single too).

The truth is that we are all experts in reading energy and most of this is going on totally subconsciously behind the scenes in our brain.

It’s an evolutionary skill we’ve developed. Reading each other has been essential for our survival. Which makes sense when we consider that experts reckon between 70 and 93 percent of all communication is nonverbal.

So it’s not that you are necessarily saying anything to get all the extra attention, the added sexiness is radiating from you in different ways.

Here’s how your energy is becoming more magnetic to make you more attractive…

6 powerful reasons why a guy wants you more when you have a boyfriend

1) You’re more positive and happy

Especially in the earlier stages of any relationship, we just seem to have an extra spring in our step.

Life looks and feels better to us. The things that used to annoy us suddenly aren’t so irritating and the world is a rosier place. We smile more, we laugh more, we just feel good — and it shows.

A lot of this high is from all those natural “cuddle hormones” that are racing around your body, encouraging you to bond with your new beau.

Higher levels of dopamine (along with a cocktail of other hormones), which are released into our system when we feel loved-up, make us giddy, energetic, and even euphoric.

When we feel like this, we understandably become more attractive to others.

You know those people that you meet who give off a warmth that you find yourself just wanting to be around? They are usually positive souls who are vibrant and excited by life.

When you go around acting like your life is a beautiful place to be, guys will want to get in on the action. The bottom line is — happy, positive people are also generally sexier people.

2) You’re a natural challenge

You’re not just playing hard to get, you actually are hard to get.

Whether it’s right or wrong, most of us are taught from quite a young age that anything worth having in life takes effort.

So we start to correlate value with effort. That means, if something comes too easily, we can question it or think of it as less worthwhile.

The more we feel like we have fought and won something, the more victorious and proud we can be.

It’s not that guys are only interested in “the chase” but most don’t want something they only have to click their fingers to get.

Men want to impress you and win you over. It’s one of his primal instincts. They want to put their masculine charms to work and prove to you they’re worthy of your attention.

We all have an ego and when it comes to attracting a mate, our ego definitely comes out.

Relationship expert Dr. Pam Spurr puts it this way:

 “Many men find the chase exciting and it strikes their ego to feel they’re the one who is finally going to get her attention — and into bed. Add to this the fact that men are very goal-focused and an elusive goal can seem all that much more interesting.”

Whilst most guys aren’t going to waste their time chasing something they have zero chance of getting — you having a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean there is no way that their efforts will pay off.

So whilst there is still a chance they can win you over, you become even more of a natural challenge.

3) You have no expectations when you talk to a guy

It’s one of the most frustrating things in life that the more we want something, the further from our grasp it can become.

Whether it’s a job we desperately want, a new person we’re introduced to that we hope likes us, or getting the apple of our eye to notice we exist — the self-imposed pressure can actually impact how we perform in the worst of ways.

In an attempt to impress, we sometimes inadvertently put on a front that comes across as forced, unnatural, over the top, needy, or just inauthentic.

Not being so bothered about how a situation will play out can actually help you to be your best self.

If we’re honest, when we’re single and talking to a guy we think is hot, we’re usually hoping to get something out of that conversation.

We want his attention, we want to impress him, maybe we even want him to ask us out. No matter how cool we think we’re playing it, there’s a good chance he can sense this.

You can probably bring to mind plenty of times when you’ve known that a guy isn’t just making small talk with you — you know he wants more.

But when you are already happy and have a boyfriend, you no longer have any agenda when you’re chatting with a guy.

You can be yourself without overthinking things. You are not looking for anything, you’re just enjoying a mutual exchange. You don’t need or want anything from him and that’s probably going to show.

4) You’re more confident

If there’s a man back home who makes you feel like the Goddess you are, chances are you’re already feeling that little bit extra sassy.

You have a boyfriend, so whether another guy is interested in you romantically or not, doesn’t really matter. Who cares what he thinks about you, you’re already happily coupled up.

That attitude is most likely going to have a positive effect on how you behave. There’s nothing at stake for you — so you give off the confidence or someone who quite frankly doesn’t give a f**k.

Let’s be honest, that’s kind of sexy.

Every woman who has ever fallen for a bad boy knows firsthand just how intoxicating quiet inner confidence is.

The other thing about having confidence is that it helps us to be open and unguarded in a conversation.

When we’re feeling a bit insecure, we tend to overthink things or not allow our authentic self to shine. We may even find ourselves closing off.

I know that my friends always used to be able to tell when I really liked a guy because he’d be the one I would totally ignore and barely say two words to

Meanwhile, I’d happily spend the entire evening chatting with and charming someone I didn’t find attractive.

Without even knowing it, we can end up acting a bit strange around someone we’re drawn to.

But when you’re in a relationship, it’s easier to just be yourself without getting too much in your head.

5) You’re casual in all the best way

Let’s think of a scenario I imagine a lot of us can relate to.

When a guy you’re not really interested in sends you a message, how do you act? If you’re honest, you’re probably not in such a rush to get back to him, right?

It’s not that you are actively avoiding replying, it’s just not that important. If you’re in the middle of something, you’re unlikely to stop what you’re doing just to respond. It can certainly wait.

Now imagine you get a message from a super hot guy that you really like. I’m guessing it’s way more likely to invade your thoughts. Because of this, replying to him then jumps to the top of your to-do list.

Of course, that’s only natural.

When you have a boyfriend, other guys, even when they are cute, stay lower down on your list of priorities. If they send you a message, sure you’ll get back to them, but you aren’t in any rush.

You put your interests, friends, hobbies, career, family, and other things in front of them — and that’s attractive. You’re definitely going to drop anything for them.

Well-rounded people who have other things going on in their life are always a far more appealing option than someone sat around waiting for us to call.

6) You have healthier boundaries

The reason that “He’s just not that into you” — the book and subsequent film — were so hugely popular is because it shed a light on the overthinking that so many of us end up falling into when we like someone.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with it, the idea is that if a guy really likes you, you’ll know about it — you won’t have to question it. If you are questioning it, the chances are it’s because “he’s just not that into you”.

But because none of us want to face this fact, we can find ourselves overanalyzing every single thing they say and do — often until we can find an acceptable explanation that suits us (let’s blame confirmation bias for this one).

It stands to reason then that when we’re spoken for, we don’t need to chase anyone or overthink things, even when we’re getting weird mixed signals.

You’re happy with someone else, so it’s more a case of — who knows what’s going on in his head and who really cares.

You’re happy to let it go and wait until things are clearer, without doing or saying anything.

Even when we think all of this stuff is going on behind the scenes and they can’t possibly know what is going on in our head, the reality is it tends to show up subtly in the things we say and do.

How to harness this attractive energy, when you’re single

Sure, it’s nice to be desired, even when you’re already spoken for — but you could really do with tapping into this power when you’re single rather than when you already have a boyfriend, right?

1) Be a glass half full kind of person

Working on your mindset, so that you genuinely feel more optimistic and positive about life regardless of what’s going on, will definitely make you more attractive to others.

But most importantly it’s going to improve the overall quality of your life, making you generally feel more content.

2) Maintain a bit of mystery

Of course, you don’t have to play games, give him the cold shoulder or always try to keep him on his toes. It’s more about keeping your self-respect, rather than being too keen too soon.

When we come on a bit too strong it’s likely to put people off.

You can show that you’re interested, be warm and friendly, but that doesn’t mean making yourself 100% available straight away.

3) Let go of expectations

Expectations can admittedly be so difficult to simply drop. They often silently creep in, only to leave us feeling disheartened when they aren’t met.

Learning to let go of expectations, stay in the moment, go with the flow and just see what happens in life is one of the most rewarding things we can learn to do.

Think of any time that you have ever felt disappointed and I’m willing to bet that it was because your expectations had been dashed.

When we stop needing or even wanting anything in particular from people, they tend to find us more attractive.

4) Invest in your own self-esteem

It’s normal to get a confidence boost when you couple up with someone but you can also cultivate unshakeable confidence when you’re single too.

Sometimes people think of confidence as something you either have or don’t have — but this really isn’t true.

Confidence is more like a muscle that you build, which gets stronger the more you flex it.

5) Build a life you love

Balance your time and attention amongst all the things you love and value in life.

Invest energy into creating strong relationships with family and friends, give your goals and ambitions the effort they deserve, take time for yourself and your hobbies and interests.

The less we rely on others to make us happy, the more attractive we become.

6) Don’t overthink things

We’re never going to work out what is going on in someone else’s head, so there’s a little point even trying.

Avoid overthinking his actions and allow them to speak for themself. If you’re on his mind, in most cases he’s going to let you know eventually.

The bottom line for why he still wants you, even when you have a boyfriend

It all comes down to the energy we give off. It may be subtle, but it’s also powerful and really hard to fake.

There’s a big difference between pretending to feel a certain way, and actually truly feeling that way.

We just sense it.

When you have a boyfriend you’re consistently sending out signals that show how happy, contented, and confident you feel — which is making you irresistible.

Louise Jackson

My passion in life is communication in all its many forms. I enjoy nothing more than deep chats about life, love and the Universe. With a masters degree in Journalism, I’m a former BBC news reporter and newsreader. But around 8 years ago I swapped the studio for a life on the open road. Lisbon, Portugal is currently where I call home. My personal development articles have featured in Huffington Post, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Thrive Global and more.

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