What could be better than being in a loving relationship, am I right?
Actually sometimes what could be better is not being in a relationship at all.
Sad, but true.
Why do I say that?
Because currently I feel smothered in my relationship. Here is why I feel that way, as well as some ideas for how to address it.
I feel smothered in my relationship
Just last week my boyfriend and I reached the breakpoint.
He had made a special dinner for me and invited me over and I knew it was a big step.
I said thanks and started eating but he wasn’t done yet and went to switch on special music…
Yes, he’d bought a special vintage record player and put on Sinatra…
It had all been adding up and by dessert — a heart-shaped cake, really? — I just lost it, making an excuse and going to bed early.
This caused my bf to go into a tailspin and try to get me to say what was wrong for days. So, honey here it goes:
1) I never have my own space
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him but that’s the last thing that’s going to happen.
He just never gives me space.
Even when we have actual physical space at our own jobs or not spending the night together he still calls and texts like a needy guy.
It really gets on my nerves and I’ve even told him “I need space, babe.” But instead of listening he then just goes into a sulk about what I mean by that.
I’m near the breaking point like I said.
As this article explains:
“Spending too much time together without having outside interests and desires can be the kiss of death for a relationship. Keeping the spark going in your romance means not smothering it by spending too much time together.”
That’s exactly it.
2) I don’t want to always talk about how I feel
I’m a sensitive girl and I have my moods and feelings like everyone, but I don’t always want to talk about how I feel.
It’s nice that my boyfriend asks how my day is going, recommends music for me, asks if I’m OK, and checks up on me.
I like that.
But I don’t enjoy how much he likes to do I guess you would call it “status checkups” on our relationship. Where are we at, how are things going, what am I feeling about issue x or y.
For shit’s sake, are we on an episode of the Bachelor?
I don’t want to always say how I’m feeling or paraphrase how the relationship is going. Sometimes (most of the time) I just want to live my life…
3) I feel like I have to give you constant validation
My boyfriend makes me feel like he’s basing his whole mood and wellbeing on me. That weird feeling of pressure makes me uncomfortable and makes my attraction diminish.
I like giving compliments but I don’t like feeling like I need to give compliments.
It’s a big difference.
I can’t have a boyfriend who depends on me for his whole self-esteem, I just can’t.
I might try this new concept from relationship expert James Bauer called the hero instinct, which I learned about from this insightful video.
This concept is about how men have these three main drives, deeply ingrained in their DNA that make them feel like they are needed in the relationship.
If I successfully trigger this hero instinct in him, he’ll feel more confident in himself and in our relationship, so we can both be happy and satisfied.
I won’t have to keep validating his emotions.
This excellent free video showed me that it’s actually really easy to trigger the hero instinct in a man and I don’t have to do much.
I can do as little as sending a 12-word text to my boyfriend and he’ll know immediately that I’m the woman for him and he can feel secure and assured in our relationship.
And not only that, but it’ll give him a sense of purpose, of value, in the relationship. He’ll realize how much he brings to the table.
If you’re in a similar situation, I recommend checking it out too.
4) I’m not always in the mood for sex
I’m not always in the mood for sex. In fact, lately, I’m less and less in the mood for sex.
Part of it is that I’m super busy and focused on work. Another part of it is that frankly I’m just not seeing fireworks when we do make love.
My boyfriend and I have only been together for a year or so but it’s already getting stale.
Beauty and wellness writer Allie Flinn says exactly what I’m trying to say here when she writes:
“A 2016 study even found that people in long-term relationships were more satisfied with their sex lives when they incorporated variety.”
5) I’m not a delicate flower who needs to always feel perfect
There are times that I feel super bad and sometimes it’s related to my bf but most of the time, it’s just stuff I’m going through.
And that’s life.
I know he can’t always fix it for me, nor do I expect him to.
I sometimes just need to be left alone and allowed to feel bad.
I know my bf is the protective type and he wants to make sure I’m always OK and I love that quality, but I need him to ease up a bit.
6) I start losing attraction when you act oversensitive
My bf is too sensitive. Sorry, not sorry.
He acts too hurt when I bring up these topics and I need him to stop doing that.
Do whatever it takes, because if it doesn’t change soon and he doesn’t toughen up I am getting on my motorbike (which I don’t yet have, but have fantasized about) and driving off into the sunset in a badass leather jacket with some awesome music playing.
And I’m not coming back, either.
7) Want advice specific to your situation?
While this article explores the main things that could make you feel smothered in your relationship and why, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like when your partner smothers you. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I feel smothered in my relationship…and something needs to change
8) I need my own space
First up I just need my own space.
It’s not that I want it, I need it.
This means time without texting or calling, days that we don’t see each other and more space to pursue my own passions and hobbies.
I have told my boyfriend this and I told him not to take it personally, so we will see how it plays out going forward.
At first, I felt like I was being overly demanding or weird on this, but the more I read about other people’s relationships the more I see that my situation is normal.
I feel smothered in my relationship and I want some space.
9) I need you to be a man
I need my boyfriend to be a man.
Sometimes we are going to disagree or even have fights.
I don’t enjoy fighting but I also don’t enjoy feeling like I’m basically babysitting an emotional infant who needs me to treat him with delicate gloves all the time.
Like lifestyle writer Kristine Fellizar says:
“When you’re in an emotionally suffocating relationship, it can sometimes feel like you have to agree with your partner or else it’s just going to cause problems.
While having a different opinion may cause an argument, it can be healthy. Couples who know how to fight productively typically last longer than those who don’t fight at all. So stand by your opinions.”
10) I can’t do codependency
I can’t do codependency. I’ve done it in the past and the relationship went down in flames.
Now that I see it happening with my current boyfriend all I want to do is bail out. I’m going to do exactly that if it doesn’t change soon.
Codependency creates a cycle of need and obligation, making another person responsible for your happiness.
Check out this article by sex and dating writer Caroline Colvin. In it, she explains that if your relationship is being suffocated you need to take some steps to let it breathe.
“Your relationship shouldn’t feel like a heavy obligation, or a black hole sucking up all of your happiness and self-esteem. You deserve a partner who’s going to gas you up, be your equal, and nurture your well-being.”
That’s totally true.
11) I can’t be the only reason you get up in the morning
As I was saying, I feel like my bf totally depends on me for his sense of wellbeing. It also seems that he’s super scared of being abandoned.
I know his parents split up when he was small, so maybe that’s at the root of the abandonment issues. But I’m not a therapist.
It seems like my boyfriend can’t stand the idea of me doing my own thing for even two hours and needs to constantly be reminded I’m around and I’m into him.
It’s fucking exhausting.
Relationship counselor Justin Lioi has a good article about this and how most of us develop object permanence and object consistency as youngsters and we don’t always need something in front of us to know it’s there.
I wish my boyfriend would develop it.
I need him to see that there’s more to life than our relationship, and as important as it is, it’s suffocating me.
I’ve learned through relationship guru Carlos Cavallo that men don’t think about relationships logically.
They are only concerned about how relationships make them feel.
Through this free video, Carlos gave me some incredible tips so I can make him feel satisfied in our relationship, enough that he doesn’t feel the need to stifle me anymore.