I never thought I’d be writing this, but I can’t stop thinking about my twin flame.
And it’s not a good thing.
Here’s why it’s bringing me down.
Why I can’t stop thinking about my twin flame and why it’s a problem
I’ve always considered myself a fairly confident person with healthy self-esteem.
But the ongoing issues with my twin flame have me questioning everything.
We used to burn brightly together but now it’s become toxic and one-sided. I can’t stop thinking about my twin flame, but it’s no longer in a loving or appreciative way — it’s in a needy and dependent way.
Here’s the problem:
1) The thoughts and emotions have become overwhelming
In the first place, there’s only so much time in the day.
I can’t stop thinking of my twin flame to such an extent that I can barely get anything done during the day.
At night sleep is only a remote possibility and melatonin pills have become my new best friend.
It’s really become a huge hassle and it’s reached the point that I can’t keep pretending this is healthy anymore.
I’ve clearly crossed the line into more toxic territory where my emotions of missing my twin flame and wanting more time with her are clouding my ability to get through the day and get my job done.
That’s not to mention friendships and family ties which have faded.
All I can think about and care about is my twin flame and the obsession has become mentally and emotionally crippling.
2) I’m stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset
I have a habit of being a bit dramatic:
Life is either sunshine and roses or the pits of hell.
And ever since my twin flame decided we needed some time apart and that a relationship was not the best idea for us I’ve been stuck deep in black-and-white thinking.
The idea that my life is over, that she’s my only hope, that I’ve got nowhere left to go and so on are all prominent in my mind.
It’s made me ignore other girls who’ve showed an interest with me, stay in when I could have gone out and have fun, get lazy and work and lose interest in other goals in my life including fitness and a desire I had to learn to be a better gardener.
Now I find myself thinking instead about what my twin flame likes to do and her love of gardening and watching endless YouTube videos on that with the hopes of striking up a conversation with her again so that I can connect that way…
But she’s already been perfectly clear that we need time apart, so what exactly am I trying to accomplish?
This black-and-white thinking is destroying me.
3) I’m desperate for answers and quick fixes
The gardening research and fixation is just one of the most surface examples. I don’t have a green thumb to save my life, but if it could just reignite my twin flame I’m all about it.
The truth is I’m desperate for answers and quick fixes.
There’s a real lack of acceptance going on deep inside me where I admit that I feel dependent on the validation and interest of my twin flame to live a fulfilled and worthy life.
I know that’s super unhealthy, so I want to change it…
But every time I try to get going on my own goals and priorities I find my mind telling me that it’s all a waste of time because without her my life isn’t worth it.
Twin flames are something deeply special, but I really want to start valuing myself and my life independent of any external validation.
The site Modern Therapy says:
“While external validation can be feel incredibly good in the moment, that feeling can easily wear off…
Instead of getting frustrated or blaming yourself, internal validation allows you to accept the situation and tell yourself, “I did the best I can” or “I know this is all that can be done at this time” and move forward.”
And I know that it’s true…
4) I’m pursuing things I don’t need or want just to see and interact with my twin flame
Lately, I’ve been buying up all sorts of music and old collectibles that my twin flame loved in order to try to interact with her.
This includes antique Japanese watercolor paintings of the kind I know she loves.
I asked her for some advice about them, but don’t worry: I’m fully aware how transparent my behavior is and how she sees through me.
I’ve actually dropped quite a bit on the watercolors – more than I have to spend – and my rent is starting to hurt more each month.
It’s sad, I know. But the truth hurts.
Lately I’ve started to feel like I’m bordering on stalking as well, including scrolling all through her social media at all times of the day.
I know I need to stop and stop trying to force this…
5) I’ve always been too willing to do whatever they want
Part of what led to my current fixation on my twin flame and our estrangement is that I’ve always been too willing to do whatever my twin flame wants.
I’m ashamed that I even downplayed some of my core values and beliefs in order to accommodate and appeal to what she believes and cares about.
As you can predict, that didn’t work at all and it actually is part of what led to us drifting apart.
She told me I need to stick up for myself more and can’t depend on her for my happiness after constantly telling me how I need to change to be a better and more holistic person.
It seems contradictory to me, but I guess that’s the point:
When you base your decisions on another person – even your twin flame – you can end up stranded without answers or solutions and a broken heart.
6) I’m living far in the past and my heart’s a fossil
My twin and I were actually engaged three-and-a-half years ago. It’s a long story. But we’re now apart. And that engagement ring is in a pawn shop somewhere.
After the way things went down, I have to say: if it were anyone else I would have walked the other way and never looked back.
But with her I just can’t do that:
She honestly means more to me than any person I’ve ever met. It’s something intangible and that I don’t really know how to explain, but it’s very real.
The problem is I’m trapped in the past like a hall of funhouse mirrors. I keep bumping into old versions of myself and stubbing my toe or smashing into my own self in my attempt to get back to the way things were.
I can’t seem to accept that just because she’s my twin flame doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll end up together as a romantic couple.
7) The lies are piling up
I’ve been lying to myself for over a year now. Ever since our breakup, really.
Although at first the pain was more raw and I jetted off on a journey to pursue my dreams while trying to forget about her.
I see now that I was trying to push down the pain and that it was exactly the opposite of what I should have been trying to do.
I should have been accepting the hurt and processing it or channeling it into productive things.
But instead, I was chasing pie in the sky:
Money, women, recognition, career wins – in the hope that other external things would validate the hole in my heart.
They didn’t, and once they faded I just switched right back to her.
It’s extremely unhealthy and I know that, but it’s taken me a long time to be willing to face it and able to effectively respond.
8) I feel like my twin flame “belongs” to me
I was a big-time attention seeker when it came to my twin flame, but I also had my own twisted side of things.
I felt like deep down she belonged to me and was my property.
I don’t mean that in a fully patriarchal type way, more like in a personal way if that makes sense.
I believed that the strength of her connection meant she was just destined to be with me and be mine and that was the end of the story.
But one way or another, life keeps moving.
And once it goes on down the line you find out that no person belongs to any person and that clinging to this idea for security leaves you high and dry.
9) I’m not doing OK
At the end of the day, if I was humming along fine I wouldn’t be so concerned about the fact that I can’t stop thinking about my twin flame.
She meant everything to me and she still does, so having some emotional remnant or desire seems perfectly normal to me.
But the truth is that my fixation on getting her back, convincing her I’m enough for her and finding ways to connect back up to her life have brought me low down.
I feel like a husk of myself.
I walk the streets scouring art galleries for old Japanese paintings like some weird character from a Woody Allen film and I’m more neurotic than even he was.
Depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, nights spent fantasizing about us being together while taking pills I shouldn’t be taking…
It’s a bad path to go down, and I’m just about at the very worst part of it.
And I want to turn around. But every cell in my body is telling me that without her there’s no point.
10) Being with her just brings me down more
Here’s the thing, though:
Being with my twin flame these days just brings me down more.
Sensing that she’s not fully into me and focused on other life priorities and challenges makes me feel like shit.
I then take my idealized version of her and match that up against her new no-nonsense demeanor and I sometimes start wondering if it would be better just to never meet her again.
I want her to be the way she was before.
And to act that way with me. But she’s on a different page these days.
Why can’t I just accept that?
What to do when you’re out of balance with your twin flame
So I’m out of balance with my twin flame and can’t stop thinking about her.
If you’re in a similar boat as me then there are a few pieces of advice I have for you.
1) Be patient
Good things take time. That goes for twin flame connections as well.
If you have an urge to get answers right this second or have some way to get your twin flame to suddenly fall back in love with you then resist that urge with all your willpower.
It’s a false temptation.
Because the truth is you’re not in charge of anyone but yourself.
And your twin flame will interact and relate to you however he or she chooses.
Sometimes when it’s not going the way you’d like the best thing you can do is intensively focus on something else and let everything else take its course.
2) Be resilient and resourceful
The best way to stop thinking of your twin flame is to prioritize the strengthening of yourself.
I’m talking mentally, spiritually, and physically. Your own resilience is a gift that can never be depleted by external factors.
And the same thing goes for resourcefulness.
Motivational speaker Tony Robbins puts this so well when he talks about how most people who complain about a lack of resources actually suffer from a lack of resourcefulness.
Resources run out, resourcefulness doesn’t.
Positive external circumstances wane, resilience doesn’t.
Commit to your goals and turn the pain and struggle into victory. Your twin flame is likely to be drawn back to you like a moth to a flame, and even if not it’ll be worth it for its own sake.
Become the kind of person you’d fall in love with. It works.
3) Be honest with yourself
It’s important to be honest with yourself about what’s going on inside you.
Don’t try to feel great even when you don’t – and stop trying to treat the universe like it’s out to get you or has some special loophole you just haven’t found.
Everyone experiences harsh disappointments in life.
Everyone has had the obsession that if they could just find this one secret or one loophole all their dreams would materialize and life would stop being hard.
That’s the reason so many pickup artists sell books and get-rich-quick schemes pop off Amazon like crazy.
Everyone wants a magic button, easy answers and some other chance to get what they want instead of disappointment.
But it’s not always an option.
So be honest with yourself about why it is that you can’t accept the current situation with your twin flame.
What is the emotional feeling at the heart of this?
Is it childhood fear of abandonment, feelings of shame or inadequacy from bullying in high school? Past abuse resurfacing as a subconscious attraction to being mistreated?
4) Base your happiness on you
The best person to base your happiness on is you.
It’s not just that anyone else can let you down: it’s also that nobody else can live your life for you and vice versa.
Through all the battles of history, biology, and spirituality that created you today, you have a unique destiny and skillset that nobody else has.
Even your twin flame may be on a very similar or intertwined path, but she or he still isn’t you.
Base your happiness and fulfillment on you and you’ll be well along the track to a life of meaning and shared experiences with much more to share with a loved one or twin flame than when you try to latch onto happiness or the love of another person.
Love and twin flame connections are beautiful, but they’re no golden ticket.
And there’s no shortcut to becoming a self-actualized, self-dependent person.
5) Think about love in a new way
Not all twin flame connections are the same, and not all of them are sexual or romantic. But when they are it can be especially hard to accept that it isn’t going how you like:
You feel this deep soul connection and they do too (or at least they did).
It’s past due to think about love in a new way:
As something you share and offer voluntarily but never think of like something you need to fill a lack or gap.
You are good enough.
You are enough.
Feel that deep in your bones and then find a way to share that with those around you, including your twin flame if he or she comes around to sharing the same desire.
The twin flame connection is something special, but it’s not always the same.
Even if you’re 100% sure that this individual is your twin flame, you can’t lean on them.
Twin flames sometimes have difficult and specific journeys that take them along very unique roads in life and these paths don’t always end in marriage or a long-term relationship.
You may want to be more than friends and there may be potential for that, but depending on it or staking your happiness on another person’s reactions and decisions is a true recipe for disaster.
Even though it is such a tempting thought, the truth is that even if we were able to control others it would be unsatisfying.
There’s no triumph in love that’s by pressure or not real. It either happens in a genuine way or it doesn’t happen.
And just when you feel like you should push is often the best time to let it be and take your time.
I can’t stop thinking about my twin flame.
But using the guidelines as lights along my path I’m ready to start turning those thoughts into proactive action and life goals instead of dependency and codependent craving into true care – which in this case means giving my twin flame her space.
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