I can’t let go of needing to be right. It’s straining my friendships more than I ever imagined.

We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Read our affiliate disclosure.

Before I relocated to the bustling city of Seattle, my friends and family had often fondly teased me about my “know-it-all” persona. They saw my need to always have the right answer as endearing — a quirk that made me, me. Fluent in the language of assertive debate and well-versed in various subjects, my confidence was my armor and my knowledge, my sword.

In the small town I grew up in, this trait was somewhat appreciated — a testament to my intellectual prowess. The townsfolk would often turn to me for answers, and I would dutifully provide them, basking in the glow of their admiration.

When I decided to move to Seattle to break out of my small-town existence and chase my dreams, I carried this trait with me, almost like a prized possession. But little did I know how much this could strain my relationships in the city.

In the urban jungle of Seattle, where I was just one among millions, I realized that people didn’t always appreciate someone who claimed to know it all. My insistence on being right started causing friction with friends and colleagues alike. What used to be an idiosyncrasy now became an irritant.

The late-night debates with friends over drinks turned into heated arguments. Casual conversations transformed into intense discussions where I found myself compelled to prove my point at all costs. It was as if being right had become more important than maintaining harmony in relationships.

As time passed, these instances started taking a toll on me. I noticed friends hesitating before inviting me to social events. Colleagues became wary of sharing their ideas during brainstorming sessions at work for fear of being countered or corrected.

That’s when it hit me — my obsession with being correct was affecting my relationships more than I ever fathomed. It wasn’t a quirky trait anymore; it was a problem that needed addressing.

In retrospect, understanding this was the easy part. Letting go of the need to always be right, however, was an entirely different battle — one that I’m still grappling with. Here’s how I’ve been navigating this unexpected challenge in my life over the past year.

Recognizing the problem and seeking change

The moment of realization came in the form of an unexpected conversation with a dear friend. We were at our favorite coffee shop, a place previously filled with laughter and light-hearted banter. But that day, it was different. There was a tension in the air, an elephant in the room that was hard to ignore.

My friend, in a careful and considerate manner, expressed how my constant need to be right was causing strain in our friendship. It wasn’t that they didn’t appreciate my knowledge or intellect. It was the relentless push to always prove my point, even when it wasn’t necessary, that was proving to be a hindrance.

This honest conversation acted as a mirror, reflecting my problematic behavior back to me. It hurt, but it was necessary. I had been blind to the strain I had been putting on my relationships because of my insatiable need to be right.

From then on, I made a conscious effort to change. I started practicing active listening, giving others space to express their thoughts without immediately jumping in with my counter-arguments. I tried to be more patient and understanding, even when I strongly disagreed with someone’s viewpoint.

But breaking old habits is easier said than done. Change is hard, and letting go of the need to always be right has proved to be one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do.

In the next part of this article, I’ll delve into why we often believe that being right is synonymous with being intelligent or competent, and how this belief has shaped my behavior over the years.

The misconception of equating being right with intelligence

There’s a pervasive belief in our society that being right equates to being intelligent or competent. It’s a notion that I, too, subscribed to for the longest time. This belief was my driving force, compelling me to prove my point in every discussion – big or small.

But this conversation with my friend challenged this perspective. It dawned on me that there was more to intellect and competence than just being right. It had more to do with understanding, empathy, and the ability to listen and learn from others.

This realization was like a splash of cold water on my face. I had been clinging onto this belief so strongly that it was straining my relationships. The irony was not lost on me – in my quest to prove my intelligence, I was actually demonstrating a lack of emotional intelligence.

I had mistaken disagreement as disrespect, differing opinions as personal attacks. I had been so focused on asserting my correctness that I had forgotten the essence of a meaningful conversation – exchange of ideas, mutual respect, and growth.

It was a hard pill to swallow, realizing that I had been wrong about what it means to be truly intelligent or competent. But it was an essential step in understanding the root cause of my behavior.

In the next section, I’ll share how I began the challenging journey of breaking free from this deeply ingrained belief and the steps I took to mend the strained relationships in my life.

Working towards a change

The first step to resolving my situation was admitting that I had a problem. It was a difficult admission, but it marked the beginning of my journey towards change.

I started with small steps. During conversations, I practiced active listening, focusing more on understanding the other person rather than formulating a rebuttal in my head. I consciously reminded myself that it was okay to disagree and that every conversation was not a battlefield that needed conquering.

I also started practicing mindfulness. I made a conscious effort to stay present during discussions and avoid letting my mind wander towards crafting the perfect counter-argument. This wasn’t easy, and it took time and patience, but it was worth it.

But the most significant change came when I started practicing empathy. I began to put myself in other’s shoes, trying to see their perspective before rushing to share mine. This not only helped me understand their viewpoints better but also made me realize how my incessant need to be right might have come across to them.

It’s been a challenging journey filled with introspection and unlearning. But it’s also been rewarding. These changes have significantly improved my relationships and made conversations much more fulfilling.

In the next section, I’ll share some practical tips that helped me along the way and could potentially help you if you’re facing a similar situation.

A broader perspective: Empowerment and self-discovery

In my journey to change, I learned some valuable life lessons that went beyond just letting go of my need to be right. These lessons can be just as meaningful for you if you’re dealing with a similar situation.

Firstly, taking responsibility for my actions, even though it was uncomfortable, was the catalyst for my transformation. Acknowledging that I was the one straining my relationships empowered me to make the necessary changes.

Another significant revelation was understanding how much of my behavior was influenced by societal expectations. I had believed that being right equated to being intelligent because that’s what society had conditioned me to believe. However, breaking free from this notion and thinking for myself allowed me to live more authentically.

Here are some key points from my journey that could help you navigate yours:

  • Taking responsibility for your actions increases personal power and enables change.
  • Most of our beliefs come from societal expectations; questioning them allows for personal growth.
  • Practicing empathy and active listening can improve relationships.
  • Being right is not synonymous with being intelligent or competent.
  • Practicing mindfulness can help stay present during conversations.

This journey of self-discovery is ongoing, and it’s been instrumental in reshaping my reality. It’s important to remember that change is challenging, but it’s also rewarding. Embrace the journey and allow yourself to learn and grow from your experiences.

Lost Your Sense of Purpose?

In this age of information overload and pressure to meet others’ expectations, many struggle to connect with their core purpose and values. It’s easy to lose your inner compass.

Jeanette Brown created this free values discovery PDF to help clarify your deepest motivations and beliefs. As an experienced life coach and self-improvement teacher, Jeanette guides people through major transitions by realigning them with their principles.

Her uniquely insightful values exercises will illuminate what inspires you, what you stand for, and how you aim to operate. This serves as a refreshing filter to tune out societal noise so you can make choices rooted in what matters most to you.

With your values clearly anchored, you’ll gain direction, motivation and the compass to navigate decisions from your best self – rather than fleeting emotion or outside influences.

Stop drifting without purpose. Rediscover what makes you come alive with Jeanette Brown’s values clarity guide.

 

Mia Zhang

Mia Zhang blends Eastern and Western perspectives in her approach to self-improvement. Her writing explores the intersection of cultural identity and personal growth. Mia encourages readers to embrace their unique backgrounds as a source of strength and inspiration in their life journeys.

10 kind phrases to comfort someone without saying “it will be alright”

9 habits that will help you be more disciplined in just 4 weeks