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Behavior analyst Jack Schafer’s golden rule to making friends

What’s the secret to making meaningful connections?

It’s not an easy question to answer.

But according to behavioral analyst Jack Schafer, the key to making friends comes down to one particular rule:

Making them feel good about themselves.

Yep, if every time you meet a person and you make them feel good, they’ll seek out every opportunity to see you again to experience those same good feelings.

Here’s why it works, according to Schafer:

“If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. If you make others feel good about themselves, they will credit you with helping them attain that good feeling. People gravitate toward individuals who make them happy and tend to avoid people who bring them pain or discomfort.”

The question is, what are some techniques you can use to make them feel good about themselves?

Here are 10:

1) Use a person’s name

How many times do you meet someone and then immediately forget their name? It happens to all of us.

Yet, this is exactly why remembering someone’s name makes them feel special. People also appreciate friendly nicknames and banter.

2) Ask the person to teach you something

People always feel good when they pass on knowledge and wisdom. Make an effort to get to know what the person specializes in and then learn about it. People love the feeling of being an expert!

3) Compliment a person

Even if you dislike someone, you can always find one thing you like about them. Search for the good in others and you’ll be rewarded.

4) Listen and repeat back bits of what they just said

This will show them that you are really listening. We all want to be heard and appreciated for what we have to say.

If you just listen, and I mean really listen without judging, you’ll make them feel really good about what they have to offer.

5) Understand and show empathy

Not only do we liked to be listened to, but we also enjoy being understood. The only way to do this is to actively listen and withhold your judgements until you’ve got the full story.

Nobody likes someone who negatively judges others.

6) Smile

Simple advice but you’d be surprised how many people forget to show gratitude and appreciation with a smile. It makes people feel warm and comfortable.

7) Remember the important people in their life

We all have close relationships and we generally love to talk about the people that are close to us.

So, remember who is important to who. If they have children, ask them how they’re going. If they have a wife or husband, ask about them.

It’s a simple bit advice that a lot of people often ignore.

8) Help a person

If someone needs something, don’t hesitate to show a helping hand. It makes people feel cared for and important.

9) Touch them with a friendly hug or kiss

Of course, make sure it’s natural. But a friendly hug release the feel good emotion oxytoxin, which increases the connection between you and them.

10) Reframe the negative to positive

If someone is being overly negative, try to reframe what they’re saying to be more optimistic. It will make them feel more hopeful and optimistic that things get better.


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