There are plenty of things that can derail a marriage.
Sometimes, a lack of communication turns things sour. Other times, infidelity wreaks havoc. But often it’s not so easy to pinpoint the exact problem. As time goes on, it can simply feel more challenging to keep those flames of love alive.
But whatever the reason, it is possible to fix things and get back on track. This article will share 20 ways to win your husband back.
20 ways to win your husband back (for good)
1) Get back in touch with yourself
I get it, you want a game plan. And I’m sure you’d love to skip to the end part when your husband is back in your arms.
But in order for it to truly work for good, you need to start at the beginning. And that means you can’t neglect the inside work, as well as coming up with a practical plan to simultaneously follow.
It’s totally natural to want a magic fix, but sadly there isn’t a way to abracadabra a marriage back together.
Getting your husband to come back needs you to be in your best headspace.
When we’re in a seriously committed relationship like a marriage, it’s normal for our lives to blend to the point of starting to lose our individuality. Now is the time to reclaim yours.
Try to remember who you are as an “I” and not only as a “we”. That means getting back in touch with yourself — your likes, dislikes, desires, and preferences. You are so much more than just your marriage.
2) Back off
It can feel almost counterintuitive when you want to win your husband back, to give him space.
But you need to try to resist the urge to crowd him.
You have to give him the space to miss you and this is never going to happen without there being some distance between you.
This also applies even if there is another woman on the scene. Don’t try to “compete” with her. He needs to feel your absence.
Novelty can seem exciting at first, but if you give him his freedom rather than struggle against it, he may come to realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
When you’re not around, this is when he has to face what he has lost.
3) Quit doing everything for him
And whilst you’re giving him his space, don’t forget that also means he loses access to those wifely duties.
As we’ll see soon, you’re going to be doing plenty of things to re-spark his interest and win him back, but running around after him is not one of those things.
Don’t cook for him, clean for him, organize things for him, be his emotional support or do him favors.
Yes, in some ways you will stay available to him in order to keep the door open for reconciliation. But the trick is to not appear too available.
Why? Because that shields him from the fear of losing you.
Running around after a man (even when it’s done out of love) has a tendency to come across as motherly or needy and desperate.
To win your husband back you need to elevate your status in his eyes.
4) Keep your cool
There’s no denying that separation is an incredibly stressful time.
You are a human being and not a robot. So you will feel a wide range of emotions.
But finding ways to cope with those emotions as best you can is going to really benefit you in many ways.
There will be times when you may want to scream and shout. Other times when you may want to cry, beg and plead. But they won’t help your situation.
Mindfulness isn’t a magic cure but it is scientifically proven to help you reduce stress and help you cope.
Not only will it help you keep your emotions in check when dealing with your husband, but it will also help to reduce your stress levels during an incredibly anxious time.
Stress-busting techniques like meditation, breathing exercises, and mindful movement (such as yoga and Tai chi) can help keep you calm.
5) Process your own emotions
It’s important not to focus all your energy on your husband in an attempt to win him back.
He will be going through his own process right now, and you are going through yours.
As well as the stress relief techniques mentioned above, do things to process your emotions.
That means trying to allow yourself to feel, rather than push away the emotions that arise. As highlighted in Psychology Today, research shows that talking to people can really help:
“Studies have shown that simply talking about our problems and sharing our negative emotions with someone we trust can be profoundly healing—reducing stress, strengthening our immune system, and reducing physical and emotional distress.”
Many people also find journalling a cathartic process that has been scientifically proven to help deal with problems, improve mood and cultivate greater self-awareness.
6) Build back your self-esteem
Your confidence is bound to take a knock whenever a relationship breaks down.
But unfortunately, a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth is what will serve you the most right now when you want your husband to come back.
Try to find ways to give yourself a boost. Find what works most for you, but some things to try include:
- Positive self-talk and challenging your negative thinking
- Using hopeful statements and trying to focus on the positive
- Write out a list of all your positive attributes
- Firm up your boundaries
- Work on self-forgiveness for any mistakes
7) Identify your biggest problems
You may already have a good idea of what went wrong in your marriage. But sometimes the problems we think we have are actually more the symptoms rather than the cause of conflict.
For example, it can seem like it was arguing and bickering that drove you apart, but the deeper issue is really a lack of trust and intimacy.
Try to dive into what the biggest problems are between you and your husband and ask how you might find solutions to those if you were to move forwards together.
In order to win your husband back it’s going to rely on healing your rifts.
The extra complication is that you may not know for sure what exactly is coming between you. But, there are still solutions as we’ll see in the next point.
8) Avoid (and fix) the biggest marriage-killing mistakes
Leading relationship expert Brad Browning is a best-selling author who helps men and women save their marriages on his popular YouTube channel.
He has seen it all and knows how to tackle both the most common and peculiar issues that crop up in most marriages.
In this free video, he lays out the 3 critical mistakes that most couples commit that rip marriages apart.
Knowing the common pitfalls helps you to avoid them. But he also shares his own marriage-saving formula that he’s developed from his many years of expertise.
So I’d really recommend checking out his free video.
9) Bring back those fireworks
Attraction and desire are important parts of a relationship for most of us. The trouble is that this can be the quickest part to fade in a marriage.
Looking your best and making an effort with your appearance whenever you meet your husband can help you to feel your best.
But attraction is way more complex than that and not all attraction is superficial, it’s also an energy. That’s why we call it ‘chemistry’.
In her TedTalk, psychotherapist Esther Perel reveals the secret when it comes to maintaining desire in a long-term relationship:
“So why does good sex so often fade? What is the relationship between love and desire? …If there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it’s “to have.” And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is “to want.” In love, we want to have. We want to minimize the distance…We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we’ve already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit…In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space.”
That’s why the best combination to bring back desire is not only the way you present yourself physically around your husband, it’s the way you appear energetically.
The best way to spark desire is to feel a little bit unattainable again.
10) Give him FOMO (fear of missing out)
You give him FOMO by living your best life. I realize it’s easier said than done. You may be feeling at your lowest, but now is the time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do.
This works perfectly in two ways.
Firstly it sparks some interest from his side. He wonders what you’re up to. He sees you out and about doing fun, unexpected and life-enriching things. He sees you getting on with your life. And that is actually bound to hurt.
It can even spark a little jealousy and trigger his feelings of loss.
But it also helps you to feel more expansive. You are reminded that a brave new world is out there waiting for you, regardless of what happens with your husband.
This will (eventually) help you feel better which in turn makes you a sexier and far more appealing partner.
11) Work on yourself
Your husband is far from perfect. I know this because none of us are. So this is in no way a suggestion that you are the only person in your marriage who needs to do some inner work.
But the reality is that you can only ever work on yourself.
When life throws us curve balls, even seemingly catastrophic ones, it can be the best time for a bit of a life and self-evaluation.
Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask what parts of yourself could do with some work and in what ways. How did you contribute to the marriage problems you are having?
Are there behaviors or habits that are holding you back? Are there areas of personal development that you know would make your life better?
Use the manure that life seems to be sending your way right now as fertilizer, and ask yourself what you want to grow out of it.
12) Figure out his love language
Maybe you’ve heard of the five love languages.
Counsellor Gary Chapman laid out the different ways in which people communicate love in his best-selling self-help book.
The five love languages are:
- Acts of service – People who think actions speak louder than words
- Receiving Gifts – People who feel tokens of love show appreciation
- Words of Affirmation – People who need to hear nice things in order to feel loved
- Physical touch – People who want to feel loved by being physically close to someone
- Quality time – People who feel that getting your undivided attention is the best way to show love
Often we mistakenly apply our own preferred method of receiving love on to our partner. But the way your husband prefers to be loved may be different to you.
Uncovering his love language can help you to know how to show him love in the way he needs in order to feel it.
13) Improve your listening skills
Most of us could do with brushing up on our listening skills.
Even though according to a survey 96 percent of people say they’re good listeners, research shows that people only retain about half of what others say.
Active listening focuses on skills like reflecting, asking questions, seeking clarification, and watching for body language cues.
As pointed out in VeryWellMind:
“Active listening helps you better understand another person’s point of view and respond with empathy. Being an active listener in your relationships involves recognizing that the conversation is more about the other person than about you.”
This skill is going to come in really handy for our next point on the list.
14) Try to see his side
As we’ve just alluded to, having empathy is an incredibly useful tool for building better relationships.
Being able to understand and relate to your husband can help to make you a team again instead of feeling like you are on opposite sides.
Trying to see his side does not mean eroding your own personal boundaries or tolerating bad behavior. But it does mean purposely trying to cultivate a greater sense of compassion between you.
Marriage therapist Andrea Brandt says empathy is vital in any successful marriage as it helps you to ride out your differences:
“Empathy means caring as much about your partner’s well-being as you care about your own, and it can make the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one…A relationship without empathy quickly hits a bump…You discover your partner is not the person you thought they were when you started dating. Suddenly you’re confronted with the fact that he or she doesn’t always share your preferences or opinions, and you begin to have the same argument again and again.”
15) Offer praise
Remember back to when you first start dating, the compliments flow much easier right? Granted, that’s because living with someone 24-7 puts a strain on any relationship.
What happens is that we stop focusing on our partner’s good qualities and all too often all we notice are the niggling bad points.
And so we tend to complain and nag, rather than compliment and praise.
Showing appreciation for your husband goes a long way.
Don’t go overboard, laying it on too thick will come across as a bit desperate. But some dignified well-placed subtle flattery will help him feel respected and valued.
This simply means remembering his good points and feeding them back to him.
16) Be fun
The heaviness that leads to separation will most likely be weighing both of you down right now.
Of course, at some point, if you do reconcile there are going to have to be some serious conversations. But for now, try to keep it light.
This is your best chance at allowing those little sparks to grow back into a flame.
In many ways, treat every time you meet one another like a first date.
Smile, flirt, and be playful. Remember what you liked in one another and remind your husband of this by bringing it back into your relationship.
Don’t come in too heavy, as this can pile on even more pressure that will only feel burdensome and push him away.
Focus on bringing out those lighter sides to a relationship — laugh together, make jokes, be fun.
When your relationship already has problems, you want to avoid any more drama at all costs.
Which leads nicely to our next point.
17) Keep it positive rather than negative
I understand that it’s not easy to suddenly shift your mindset and be happy-go-lucky about your relationship.
But this article is about the best way to win your husband back, and being positive rather than negative is what will help you to do that.
Complaining, nagging, and being a source of negativity in his life right now is more likely to push him further away.
Do whatever you can to try and lift your own spirits so that you can feel as hopeful as possible about making your relationship work.
18) Get professional help
Here’s the thing:
We can get so lost in our relationship problems that we find it hard to objectively see the best solutions. And without that perspective, we stay stuck or are doomed to keep repeating the same destructive habits over and over again.
This is why getting professional guidance can be the breath of fresh air your marriage needs, and sometimes the difference between make or break.
Relationship Hero is a site where you can speak to highly trained relationship coaches.
They listen and provide a sympathetic ear to help you to better understand and deal with your marriage challenges. But better than that, they focus on practical advice.
That means they won’t just listen, they’ll give their own professional perspective. They’ll help you to come up with the very best tailor-made plan to get your husband back based on your unique circumstances and set of challenges.
19) Realize that time is a friend, not a foe
This step is about cultivating patience.
They say that patience is a virtue, but it’s one that can feel so challenging to achieve. The reason is that our brains love certainty, and so understandably, uncertain times create stress for us.
But time is a healer. And you have to be prepared to bide your time when winning your husband back.
A sense of urgency only creates panic within us. And that panic leads to rash decisions and taking false steps along the way.
20) Relinquish control
Our final step is perhaps one of the hardest. But so much peace and well-being will come along with it if you can master it.
Learning to let go is the biggest gift we can bestow upon ourselves in life. Because all we can do is put the work in, but we can never control the outcome.
Remind yourself that you cannot and shouldn’t control someone else’s feelings and actions. And the ultimate truth is that if you put in the work to repair and revitalize your marriage but your husband still doesn’t come back, then you are better off without him.
It takes two hearts to make a marriage work. If you have done all you can, and his heart still isn’t in it then it is better to let him go.
Trying to find acceptance may come from different sources depending on your outlook. You may tell yourself that “if it’s meant to be it is meant to be”. You might put your faith in a higher power (whether that is a God or the Universe).
But either way, learning to relinquish control will set you free no matter what the outcome.