You’ve just learned the awful truth…There’s someone else in your marriage besides you two.
The shadow of that other woman is now following you along, reminding you that he cheated…and your marriage might be over.
But if you decide that you don’t want to give up just yet, wipe your tears, girl, and listen to me carefully. We have to act strategically!
Here’s what you should do to win him back from the other woman.
Get him back!
1) Don’t presume he doesn’t value your marriage anymore
He cheated—one of the worst things you can do in a relationship, no other way around it. But don’t make the mistake of automatically thinking that he doesn’t love you anymore or value your marriage.
Remember that he’s keeping it a secret because he still wants to be with you.
Because he still loves you.
This means that there is still a good chance of rebuilding the romance and intimacy in your marriage to a point where he doesn’t feel the need to keep the other woman around anymore.
2) Focus on yourself rather than the situation
The most attractive women are those who love themselves. They are assured and confident in who they are but also strive to be better people all the time.
Now that your husband has an affair, you likely have more time to yourself. Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself.
Take the effort to make strides in your career, passions, social life, fitness—whatever you find meaningful and worthwhile.
Now, this might sound counterintuitive.
Shouldn’t I be chasing after him? You might ask.
You might do that…but he’ll probably distance himself from the drama even more.
Instead, focus on yourself. Albeit indirectly, let him know that he already has a fantastic woman at home.
After all, many people stop putting in effort after they get married. They get too relaxed and complacent and feel like they don’t need to do anything to maintain the love or develop themselves.
I’m not saying that it’s your story, girl!
You might’ve put as much effort into this marriage as possible, but he still cheated on you.
All I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t forget that you are of great value, and every man would be lucky to get you in their life! But to radiate this feeling (and become even more attractive by doing so), you must first believe in it.
Once he sees what he’s losing…he’ll rethink his choice, trust me.
So, go out there and become your best self! Not for him…for yourself.
3) Have more fun together
The everyday bustle of married and family life is no joke. Unfortunately, this leads to couples forgetting to have fun with each other. Most of their interactions become boring discussions or even heated arguments about the kids or money.
Getting too much into the routine is one of the main reasons why the spark is lost, and people, once in love, practically become roommates. You need to make quality time together a priority.
Go out and have a romantic dinner date. Or, honestly, any of these things! Here’s a nice list for you to get some inspiration (just make sure the time is right and both of you aren’t in a huge argument). To reignite the spark, you could:
- Go hiking;
- Travel to the new place;
- Take a cooking class together;
- Bike in nature;
- Discover each other’s sexual fantasies;
- Go to a bar and get drunk;
- Dance the night away;
- Enroll in some fun competitions together;
- Meet with your old friends.
This step is absolutely paramount to reigniting the love you once had for each other.
It can be hard now that there’s tension in the air due to the infidelity. But start with something small and simple and take it from there.
4) Listen to what he has to say
You’re the wronged one. Even if you haven’t been the best wife, having an affair is still absolutely inexcusable, no questions asked.
You have every right to pour your heart out about how he hurt you feel, and he needs to listen to every word you say.
However…it might be really beneficial for you to listen to him too.
Try to hear what he’s trying to say without any anger or judgment. Give him the space and opportunity to tell his side of things and explain why he did it.
Don’t say anything, just listen and take it in.
This helps you to achieve two critical things in your journey to save your marriage:
- It makes him feel that his voice is heard. If you don’t allow him to talk, he might get all defensive, shut down his feelings and emotions from you, and decide that he made the right choice by going to somebody who listened to him.
- It’ll help you understand him better. Simply listening to his explanation can give you insight into what made him do what he did and if you can see the areas you can improve to win him over.
5) Complain less (or just do it differently!)
One of the most common complaints husbands have about their wives is that they nag too much. (Now, to be fair, it’s quite reasonable at times!)
And still…these small, annoying moments can build resentment between partners over time.
Try to find healthier ways to communicate your concerns instead of nagging and complaining all the time.
This will ease up the tension between the two of you and help create a more relaxed space—one that’s more conducive to fostering or reigniting love and intimacy.
6) Find happiness in simple things
Yes, yes. I know. You’re in one of the worst-case scenarios for your marriage. You’re absolutely heartbroken.
But you need to find ways to be happy.
If you let yourself be consumed by the grief, it won’t help you to deal with the situation. It just might make you give up in the end.
While I told you to put your head down and work on yourself previously, it’s also just as important to pamper yourself. Find joy in your family, your friends, and your hobbies.
Live, laugh, and love!
This is an essential step to reclaiming your marriage. It will give you the strength to fight for your man and remind him of what a happy life he can have with you.
Charles Dickens begins his legendary novel A Tale of Two Cities with this line: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
It’s already the worst of times, yes? So why not make it the best of times too?
7) Be flirty with him again
Couples always complain that the love they once had is now gone after marriage. That’s because they stopped flirting with each other after getting married.
Here’s what flirting does: it signals that you feel attractive and that you think the other person is attractive. Now, you might feel absolutely unattractive now that your husband cheated on you, but you’ve done it before, and you can do it again.
Be light and playful whenever you’re with him. Smile at him, laugh with him, touch him. Reference inside jokes or send silly or sexy texts.
He’ll remember why he married you in the first place.
8) Try to understand why he cheated
As hurt as you might be, you need to find space in your heart for his feelings too. This is the only way you can win his heart back.
Remember that every problem can only be truly solved if you deal with its root rather than put a band-aid on it. While you’re in a state of shock, resentment, and pain, you need to think rationally if you’ve had failings as a wife that led him to seek other women.
Not that it’s any excuse of course! And it can be entirely his fault too!
Here’s the thing: if he’s still staying because he loves you, he might’ve cheated because he found the marriage lacking in one or a few aspects. This means that there are still areas you can work on to rebuild the marriage.
But if he sought a mistress because he fell out of love with you or just simply does not respect you, then I’m afraid that there might not be anything else you can do (so leave him ASAP because you deserve true, honest love, too!).
At the very least, you’d know if it’s worth a try.
9) Don’t underestimate his mistress
Some men can have a mistress and a wife for years. This is because they have the ability to carve out distinct, separate spaces for these two women in their minds and hearts.
It’s also so much easier if the mistress plays along with secrecy and knows her place as a mistress. This means that you shouldn’t underestimate her. Don’t think of her as a mindless, unkind golddigger!
She’s likely clever in her own right, so you need to play your cards right if you want to restore your marriage.
I just want to warn you that if she ever gets in touch with you or you accidentally meet her, be smart and don’t trust her straight away!
She might be a nice person after all, but you have to get your man back, so it’s not a time and place to make new friends.
Be confident and stay your ground! You’re his wife, and she has to get out of the way.
What you need to understand as you try to win him back
1) It’s him, not you
Even if you were not the best wife or made mistakes, you are not the root cause of his actions.
So don’t blame yourself! Yes, you can talk about what you might’ve changed with your best friend or your therapist, but cheating is still a choice.
At the end of the day, it was his choice, and he chose to hurt you.
2) Don’t let him put the blame on you
Because nothing justifies his actions, don’t let him make you feel like it’s your fault. He might feel guilty, ashamed, and regretful, and he might cope by projecting these feelings onto you.
You cannot rebuild the love between the two of you if he doesn’t accept that he did a horrible thing and hurt you to your core.
If you concede that it was your fault, you are giving him the green light to do it again. He will simply keep cheating and keep blaming you for it, always bringing up that you already admitted it’s your fault.
3) He’ll act like the wronged party
By trying to put the blame on you, he’s essentially trying to play the victim. He’s implying that his actions are irrelevant or petty, that the real issue is how you’ve hurt or failed him, and this led him to cheat.
What he’s doing is simply refusing to admit that he’s in the wrong.
No, even worse!
He’s gaslighting you. Stand your ground, and do not let him do this.
One last thing…
Love and infidelity are incredibly complex topics. We may have simplified the situation with the tips we’ve given here. Truly, if all it took to save a marriage from infidelity was some flirting and a few conversations, the divorce rate would be significantly lower.
Every couple and every situation is different. No one knows you and your husband more than… well, you and your husband!
There is no one-size-fits-all to such a complicated, difficult, and extremely individual topic.
What we have are general suggestions. So take what you feel is helpful from this article and leave those tips that don’t resonate with you.
The most important thing to take away from this article is this: you need to understand yourself, your husband, and your marriage as deeply as you can.
Only then will you know how to win him back—or discern if it’s best to let go.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.