Everything’s been going great between you and your guy…but then all of a sudden, he pulls away.
This is every woman’s nightmare, so it’s normal if you’re freaking out a little (or a lot).
But do pick yourself up because we got work to do—we’re going to reverse the situation!
In this article, I will give you nine steps to turn the tables around when a guy pulls away.
Step 1: Switch off the panic button
I know what you’re thinking—that it’s not that easy to do. And of course, you’re right.
Again, it’s normal that you panic once you notice that your man is pulling away. You’re not a robot.
But you have to decide when to switch off the panic button and start taking charge of what you can control instead—YOU.
How do you do this, exactly?
Well, the first thing you have to do is to allow yourself to freak out, and I mean really freak out.
Go ahead and scream on your pillow, kick a wall, break down and cry like a child. But don’t take your time.
Set a specific time to stop, and when that time comes…make a full stop.
By doing this, you slowly regain control of the situation. And this will help you execute the next steps more effectively.
Step 2: Don’t assume the worst
When something changes in our relationship, we freak out because we think of the worst-case scenario.
Perhaps you think he’s now in love with someone else.
SHUSH your brain! Stop those ugly thoughts from entering your thoughts no matter how believable they may seem.
They’re destructive not only to your relationship but also to yourself (Jezus, you don’t need this kind of stress!).
And what if he’s actually pulling away because he’s going through something—like he’s about to get fired at work?
By assuming the worst, there’s a chance that you’ll become unloving towards him. You might even attack him. So instead of being his source of strength during a crisis, you become one more negative force he has to deal with.
Would a man want someone who freaks out when things are a bit off? Would YOU want to be this kind of woman?
But let’s say that you’ll find out that the worst scenario is true. Well then, knowing about it earlier won’t change things.
If you value him, your relationship, and your sanity, don’t catastrophize.
Step 3: Focus on yourself
Instead of over-analyzing his actions, use this time to focus on yourself.
Go hang out with your girls, go shopping, go have a nice haircut. Most of all, indulge in your hobbies and passions—the ones you’ve set aside because you focused on love.
Not only will it give you the boost you need to recover from feeling neglected, it might also make you more interesting to his eyes.
For sure he will notice your new look and that you’re busy pursuing your passions again.
And he will get curious why…which is, well, a good strategy to make him pay close attention to you again.
Step 4: Use this time to assess how you view love
I know I said you shouldn’t overthink, but you should at least have a bit of introspection during this time. I mean, there’s no better time to do it but now.
Investigate how you see love and relationships.
Start by asking yourself why you get affected when your partner pulls away. What then, to you, is the ideal “distance” between two people?
You see, love is not what many of us think it is.
We’re too influenced by the songs we hear and the books we read. And because of this, many of us are actually self-sabotaging our love lives without realizing it!
I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy.
A couple of years ago, my boyfriend was about to break up with me because, according to him, I was too high-strung—that my strict “relationship rules” were exhausting.
After watching Ruda’s Masterclass, I realized that there’s a better way to love people. Instead of trying to “perfect” my relationship to match what I (and society) sees as ideal, I let go of all of that.
Right now, I can honestly say that I’m a much better lover all thanks to Ruda’s masterclass.
You might want to give it a try if you’re curious what real love and real intimacy is like.
Step 5: Don’t respond fast
So let’s say that after being distant for a while, he starts messaging you again…
Don’t be too eager to reply!
If he doesn’t have the capacity to text you when he’s expected to—and he does it repeatedly— then give him a taste of his own medicine.
Although replying fast can be seen as a loving and noble act, it also shows that you’re perfectly okay with what he’s doing. And hey, you clearly aren’t.
He should at least know that for every action, there’s a reaction.
Show him that he can lose you if he neglects you. Show him that although you do love him, you know how to respect yourself.
Don’t do this simply out of spite, but as a way to teach him how to treat you better.
Step 6: When he comes back, act normal
Act as if nothing happened. After all, he went away like it’s just a normal thing to do, didn’t he?
Don’t even acknowledge his bad behavior. He should be the one to give you an explanation, and if he pulled away for too long—to ask for your forgiveness.
You’re not his mother. You’re both adults and he should carry the burden of his own actions.
So instead of showing him you’re angry, kill him with “kindness.”
This is a good psychological trick to make a person realize their own mistake.
It will make him guilty if he’s aware of what he did. And he will eventually do the work to show you he’s still worthy of your love.
And if he’s NOT aware of what he did, then you won’t have to engage in any drama that could possibly strain your relationship.
Be as cool as cucumber…unless he does it again one more time. When that happens, an honest talk is necessary.
Step 7: Use reverse psychology
Reverse psychology is pushing for the opposite of what you really want in order for the other person to actually do what you desire them to do.
It’s if when you want a picky child to eat veggies, you tell them to NOT eat veggies because they don’t need to have good skin and clear eyesight, anyways.
It’s when you want an indecisive person to buy your product right now by saying “It’s okay if you won’t buy them now. You don’t need the 50% discount anyway.”
So…going back. He wants to pull away, doesn’t he? Then let him.
In fact, encourage him to go further!
Don’t beg and bargain. Don’t ask a thousand questions. Don’t ask him to love you again. Instead, give him all the space he needs!
Tell him “Hey, I notice you’re quite distant. Maybe you’re going through something. I will give you space because I know you need it. Take care”
If executed well, this will make him want to do the exact opposite—this will make him go back to you.
Step 8: Be the one to officially hit pause
This right here, my friend, is the moment you turn the tables.
He was the one pulling away, right? You know it, deep down he knows it, just about everyone in the universe knows it.
But you can actually do or say something to make it seem like YOU’RE the one who’s actually leaving.
Say something like “Hey, I feel things are not so okay between us, but whatever happens, I’m just here. I will distance myself a little for now so you can think well.”
Sending this “gotta go for now” makes it seem that YOU’RE the one who’s about to leave for good—and it usually works because it triggers a fear of loss!
Step 9: Show him you’re doing well without him
The final step is making him aware that you’re actually doing fine—that sure, it’s painful for you that he’s pulling away, but that you can handle it like an adult.
Don’t overdo it by acting all bubbly as if you’re having the time of your life. You don’t want to send the message that he means nothing to you.
Just don’t send him twenty messages an hour. Just don’t ask someone to spy on him or talk him out of his funk. Just don’t knock on his door at 3 am.
Be calm and collected. And if you can, try to be genuinely happy. This will make him realize what he’ll be missing if he won’t rush back to you.
And if he won’t come back, well then…at least you’re already in a good place.
It’s scary when the person we love pulls away.
Once upon a time, they couldn’t live without us, but then here they are months later, cold and distant like a stranger.
Most of the time, it just means nothing—they might not even be aware that they’re pulling away!
But there are times when they’re actually losing interest in you and if it’s the case, then make them fall in love with you all over again by reversing the situation.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.