These days it’s way too easy to lead people on.
Dating apps, texting, and casual sex are the ingredients for way too many broken hearts.
If you’re dating or seeing a guy and want to know if he actually cares for you, I have the following recommendations.
1) Stop texting him
First off, stop texting this guy.
What I mean is not that you go into contact, but that you go into no first contact.
In other words, stop sending him more texts saying hi or asking questions or offering him interaction and wait to see when he breaks the silence.
Answer his last text he sent and leave it at that.
When does he follow up by asking you more, inviting you out, checking if you’re OK or trying to get your attention in some way?
Or does he just go silent?
I’m not saying that a guy who texts and messages you really cares about you, or that being out of the loop for a while is proof that he doesn’t.
But it’s certainly a solid first indicator of where the momentum and power is at in your interaction and who’s demonstrating more interest.
2) Weigh his words…
In terms of what he does say once he gets in touch, take a look at the words he uses and why.
What’s the tone of how he messages you and interacts with you both digitally and in person?
The truth is that it’s never been easier to make promises and say things to people online and offline.
We live in fast-paced modern societies where so much is said one day and forgotten the next.
The late Polish sociologist Zygmunt Bauman called it “liquid modernity.”
It may help people sleep around, but it’s certainly no help for establishing and keeping true love and commitment.
So, if you want to see if he really cares for you, then you need to weigh all the pretty words he says…
3) …Against his actions
It’s true that actions speak louder than words. People who’ve been burned by words know this all too well.
It’s easy to say you care about someone, make promises for the future or pretend to agree with somebody in order to be on their good side.
All of the best ways to test him to see if he really cares about you hinge on this key fact.
If he says he cares about you but doesn’t show up when you’re sick, then take his words with a grain of salt.
If he claims to care about you but then shows up for sex and is out the door before the morning light, you need to get a lot more skeptical.
If he says that he thinks you’re brilliant and finds you engaging and funny and you then catch him mocking you to one of his friends, he’s probably just buttering you up.
However, if he makes some big promises and then follows through it’s a much better sign.
Does he tell you he loves you and cares about you and then buy you a spa day or a gift certificate to get some nice new comfy shoes? Good start…
Does he say you’re his priority and then book an extra day off work to be around you? Even better…
If you really want to know whether this guy’s for real, I suggest talking to someone who’s seen it all:
A love coach.
The idea of talking to a love coach may strike you as overkill, but it’s actually easier than you think.
The best site I’ve found is called Relationship Hero and it’s a place where accredited love coaches help you to decode the actions of people in our confusing modern age of love and lust.
Click here to check them out and connect up with a love coach.
4) Keep an eye on crisis
If he’s following through on what he says to the best of his ability it’s certainly a good sign.
But what does he do when the going gets tough?
Crisis is when a man’s true intentions and feelings come shining through.
The thing to keep in mind here is that a crisis isn’t always big and dramatic in the way you might imagine.
You may not be laid up in a hospital bed, suffering a loss in the family or losing your job.
But what about smaller crises where you still really need support?
For example, say you bump your car into another vehicle while parking and now have a headache about calling insurance and dealing with paperwork.
You text or call this guy and tell him how stressed you are. Where is he, what’s he doing?
Well: how does he respond? Does he even care?
This tells you a lot!
5) Let him off the hook…
Another of the smartest ways to test him to see if he really cares about you is to let him off the hook on something.
For example, maybe you needed help and a ride home from the doctor’s clinic but he said he was kind of busy.
You say no problem and it’s all good and take an Uber or taxi instead. OK, cool.
We can’t always correlate our schedules, and no relationships should be about point-scoring or holding grudges on someone when they’re busy or can’t always do what we want.
Let him off the hook a time or two. That’s fine. In fact it can be a good way to show that you’re not here to be hard on him.
But at the same time as you let him off the hook, be observant…
6) …And see how he acts
When he thinks it’s all good and you’ve given him a pass, how does he act?
If he cares about you, he’s going to be appreciative but still considerate and helpful.
If he doesn’t really care about you, he’s going to use your chill attitude to basically write himself a blank check.
What will be on that blank check?
His right to do or not do whatever he wants when he wants and make whatever excuse is convenient to you at the time.
If he doesn’t really give a hoot about you or is just playing around, then he’s going to take you letting him off the hook as a blank check going forward.
If he does care about you, then he’s going to take this as an appreciated break and be right back onboard helping you out and having your back when he’s able.
7) Give him a chance to cheat
Next up in ways to test him to see if he really cares about you is to give him a chance to cheat.
How does one do this?
Let me count the ways…
For starters, you can spend a bit more time away from him and stop paying any attention to who or what he likes online on social media or elsewhere.
Let the ball be fully in his court.
Somebody who wants to cheat is going to cheat. But it may be harder for some who have an observant partner who catches on to them quickly.
Make it easy on him.
Give him at least a few weeks where he comes to you and you only mirror back and return what he gives you.
If he wants to sleep with someone else, then his amount of caring about you is minimal to say the least, or at least he’s not ready for an adult relationship.
At the very least, unless you also want an open relationship, him cheating on you should answer any questions you have about how much he cares for you deep down.
8) Pay close attention to one key factor
Everyone manifests affection in different ways.
We’re not all switched on all the time, even for somebody we love deeply.
Plus there are different ways of relating to romantic love and dating, which psychologist John Bowlby called “attachment styles.”
We often learn in early childhood to give and receive love in counterproductive ways, especially anxious or avoidant.
The anxious individual craves constant validation and reassurance of being loved and good enough.
The avoidant individual craves space and time away from the “stifling” pressure and intensity of love.
Still, even an avoidant attachment style is no excuse, and especially if you’re anxious attachment style it’s going to make dating this guy a nightmare.
So pay attention to this crucial factor:
I call it the time test…
9) The time test
When he has spare time, what does this guy do with it?
Everyone needs some time alone, and men like to have their guy time, for sure.
But the time test relies on a fully voluntary piece of free time and seeing what he does with it.
For example, take the upcoming next four weekends when you know both of you will have free time.
Then ask him if he wants to go somewhere or do things together on some of his free days.
If he suggests one meeting then he’s at least mildly interested and into you.
If suggests two or more, or keeps it open to spending as much time with you as he can, then he’s doing his best to make time for you and cares about you.
Now I’m not saying that a relationship needs to mean spending all your time together or even most of it.
But if that desire isn’t there and he’d basically rather watch the game or do other things then his attraction to you isn’t that high.
10) Fluctuation vs. frustration
Every relationship has an ebb and flow. We all go through moods and different periods.
Caring about someone doesn’t mean you’re always around or always able to answer a text right away.
That’s just the reality of life!
However, if this guy really cares about you it’s going to come through in his words, his actions and his behavior.
He’s going to show up when it counts and be at your side when you need him most.
If that sounds overly simplistic, trust me: it’s not.
The sad thing about unrequited love is that far too often we are willing to make excuses and endless over-analysis for the indifferent and rude behavior of somebody we’re attracted to…
…When the truth is that a guy who acts indifferent and doesn’t give you much attention is usually just not that into you.
One last thing:
Exposing the nice guy facade
There’s a reason many women don’t trust nice guys and aren’t attracted to them.
It’s not because they like “assholes” and other cliches like that.
It’s because women are attracted to honesty and authentic, raw men. They don’t want a guy who’s super nice on the surface but is actually a raving psychopath when he’s alone in his room.
Far too many men are nice on the surface and say all the right words but are basically empty players inside.
Don’t make excuses for a guy who’s treating you indifferently and not engaging with you or your life.
If he’s into you he’s going to make the effort and he’s going to use even the small amounts of time he does have to interact with you and let you know he cares a lot about you.
He loves me, he loves me not…
It’s not always easy to get a read on whether a guy’s truly into you or not.
That’s part of why I recommended talking to a love coach at Relationship Hero.
They can tell you more about why this guy’s behavior is important and what he does (or doesn’t do) that could affect your future with him.
Remember never to over-invest in somebody who doesn’t really care: it will only leave you burned and jaded.
At the same time, a guy who says all the right words and has a smile plastered on but is basically fake is just the flip side of the coin.
If he really cares about you he’s going to make time for you in his life, and he’s also going to be his real self around you, including some of the ugly edges.