How to tell if your boyfriend is cheating: 27 signs most women miss

Afraid your boyfriend is cheating on you?

It’s a terrible feeling, but you’re not alone.

In this article, I’m going to share with you 27 signs that your boyfriend is cheating on you.

In fact, if you suspect your boyfriend is cheating, then you’ll finally get to the truth after you read this post.

I hope for your sake you’re proven wrong.

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.

1. He seems distracted

Your once attentive boyfriend barely seems to look you in the eye these days. You find yourself repeating things to him because he’s not listening.

It’s hard for him to stay in the conversation and he is always looking over your shoulder. If he’s cheating on you, you’ll find that he has disconnected from your relationship in many ways.

According to family therapist David Klow, “if your partner’s actions start changing, then it might be a sign of infidelity.”

Love should always be unconditional (to a reasonable extent), and that means we automatically want to give our partner the attention they deserve to keep them happy.

Paying attention to and “being in the moment” with your partner shouldn’t feel like an active thing you need to think about doing; it should come naturally because you love spending time with them so much.

And while your boyfriend may have exhibited this kind of behavior before, he doesn’t do so as much anymore.

You can’t really remember when, but there was a point where he stopped being all there with you, all the time.

There’s always something distracting him, always a reason for him to be on his phone, or to cut dates short, or to leave your place earlier than expected.

He might chalk it up to an active and full life, but you know that there have been no huge changes in his hobbies or careers accounting for this giant shift in behavior.

So what’s really distracting him, and why is it more important than you?

2. He always seems to be extremely busy

No one knows your boyfriend more than you do. You know what he’s got going on in life, everything from his big dreams to his day-to-day responsibilities.

If he’s still in school then you know his classes; if he’s working then you know what his usual job is like.

But these days, everything seems to be on overload.

There’s always a crisis at work that needs to be handled by him and him alone, or he’s got new classes with slave-driving professors.

At least, that’s what he tells you.

All this extra busy-ness means his (already limited) time for you becomes even more limited.

It also means that he disappears for long swaths of time — meaning you can’t reach him through any channel — and he always has the convenient excuse of “drowning” in work or schoolwork.

When you ask him for details, he’ll either come up with something needlessly elaborate and detailed, or he’ll get flustered and pretend he’s too stressed to really talk about it.

But your gut knows the likelier truth: he might be out with another woman, and he’s using the story of a busy life to excuse the extra time that you don’t see him around.

3. He fights with you about the little things

No relationship is perfect, and anyone who tells you that they never fight or bicker with their significant other is lying.

Little arguments here and there (and even some big ones) are all part of the relationship experience, but at the end of the day there should always be some improvement or growth in both individuals as you both strive to understand each other better.

But your boyfriend now seems to fight you more than he used to, and the things he picks fights about seem to be the smallest and most trivial things.

Maybe you guys recently fought about what movie to watch on Netflix, or maybe he started a fight with you about you putting away his things.

There could be a million little ways he’s now picking fights with you, things that wouldn’t bother him at all in the past.

It’s possible that since he’s cheating on you, he’s now either purposefully trying to make you break up with him by being a bad boyfriend, or he’s tired of you and that’s reflecting in how much you now bother him.

4. You’re always dealing with his mood swings

We already talked about how your boyfriend picked up the habit of starting fights with you over the smallest things.

But his mood isn’t always just anger and annoyance — sometimes he’s back to his old, loving self; sometimes he’s even more loving than he’s ever been.

So what in the world is going on? Does he hate you or does he love you?

The answer is simple: he doesn’t know.

For a long time, he probably did love you, but now that he’s messing around with another girl, all his emotions have been thrown out of whack.

Sometimes he’s up and sometimes he’s down, and he’s never really stable anymore about the way he feels for you.

Sometimes he thinks he wants to move on and he wants nothing to do with you anymore, so he does what he can to try to ruin the relationship.

Other times he thinks he’s making a mistake, and he tries to make up for his infidelity by being extra sweet and loving.

5. His routines have changed without explanation

It’s impossible to not know the routines and habits of your one and only boyfriend, so when those suddenly change, there’s definitely a cause for alarm.

Humans are creatures of habit, and whether we like it or not we always fall into a general set of routines that we do throughout the day or week.

So is your boyfriend now doing something completely new or different?

Think about what his routines used to be and what his routines are now.

Instead of leaving for work at 7am and getting home at 6pm, he now leaves for work at 5am and gets home at 8pm.

Or maybe instead of driving to the nearby gym to workout, he now drives to a gym on the other side of town because “it has better equipment”.

His time doesn’t seem to make as much sense to you as it used to. When you press him about it, he gets flustered and stressed, acting like everything is normal and you’re simply being paranoid.

6. He stopped inviting you out with his friends or colleagues

A boyfriend who loves you is always happy to show you off.

Whether to his old college friends or to his colleagues at work, he wants everyone else to know that he’s got an amazing partner — even if just to rub it in their faces.

But if he’s seeing someone else, he’ll be less likely to want to spend his “extra” time with you around. And this is for several reasons:

• He feels guilty about his cheating, and the less time he spends with you, the less time he has to face that guilt head-on
• He knows the relationship is in its dying stages, and he wants his friends or work colleagues to stop associating you with him
• Maybe his friends or work colleagues know that something’s up, and he doesn’t want to risk the possibility of them letting you know

His excuse? “It’s just a boy’s night out” if it’s with his friends, or “the company won’t let us invite partners because of cut-backs” if it’s with work.

And while those might be true, there’s no way it’s true every single time.

According to Robert Weiss Ph.D., his friends be may be uncomfortable around you because they know what’s going on:

“The cheater’s friends often know about the infidelity right from the start, and your own friends are likely to find out long before you do. This knowledge typically causes these individuals to feel uncomfortable around you.”

He’s not giving you all the details about the get together either: not sure who will be there, not sure what time he’ll be home, not sure what the plan is.

These are all signs that he is trying to play innocent and hide his affair.

If you insist on going, he’ll get mad. It’s easier for him to keep you away from what’s really going on.

7. He has started to talk about the future in a different way

If he used to talk about the future and use the word, “we”, but now talks about things he wants to do alone, that’s not good.

Even if he tells you that he didn’t mean to be selfish about his plans, be wary that he may just be covering his tracks.

In the end, he may be a selfish partner that is only looking out for his future.

8. He just doesn’t seem connected to you emotionally

Now don’t get me wrong:

No relationship will be as intense as it was in the first few months. That’s the passionate phase we’ve probably all experienced.

However, as time goes, we tend to bond and securely attach over time, leading to more trust with each other.

Emotional intimacy is what keeps this trustworthy bond alive.

You get to a stage where you’re comfortable revealing everything with your partner.

But if your boyfriend seems more withdrawn and less attached to you, then that may be a bad sign.

It could be that their focus has shifted to the person they’re cheating with, or they feel guilty so they are withdrawing.

9. You discover that he has a new email address or number

Privacy between couples is incredibly important. After all, you have your own lives, your own social circles, and your own things going on.

If you don’t have access to their phones or social media accounts, it doesn’t always mean they’re cheating. In fact, healthy boundaries are what set apart healthy and dysfunctional relationships.

But there’s also such a thing as too much privacy.

It’s normal to want to keep your social media profile to yourself, but it’s not normal to find duplicate accounts of him, maybe even under a different name.

Not having access to their email address is totally understandable, but it’s a red flag if his credit statements go to a different email address altogether.

Ask yourself if your boyfriend is going out of his way to keep information private and separate from you.

There’s a line between privacy and hiding.

10. Your friends are feeling it, too

We don’t always see relationship problems because we’re too close to the relationship.

Your boyfriend might be pulling the wool over your eyes but you might never really find out until your friends see it for themselves.

Sometimes it takes an outsider’s perspective to really see your problem with fresh eyes.

When you see someone with rose-tinted glasses, the red flags just look like regular flags.

Your friends might have already picked up on some bad stuff about him that you’ve missed because you were so in love.

If they’re still having a hard time trusting him after all this time, consider the fact that your friends might be onto something: he’s not very worthy of your trust after all.

Do your friends constantly warn you about something “being off”?

Do they advise you to dig a little deeper because they’re feeling something wrong, too?

If your friends are adamant about you keeping a closer eye on your partner, consider their advice.

After all, these “warnings” might be more than just warnings but their indirect way of telling you that something is definitely up.

11. He’s been buying “guilt gifts”

Nothing says “I love you” more than gifts bought out of the blue.

There hasn’t been a special occasion recently and your anniversary is still a couple months away, and yet you’re constantly receiving fun gifts from your boyfriend.

And not just ordinary gifts either; you’re getting special, expensive stuff that you’d only expect to receive on proper relationship milestones.

Normally, this would be a cause for celebration. Your boyfriend is showering you with affection, which only goes to show how much he really loves you.

But something about this isn’t quite right. You know it in your gut. The unexplainable gifts are just one thing but you know there’s also something else.

As if the sudden shift in attentiveness isn’t suspicious enough, his sudden gift-giving spree is accompanied by an inexplicable change in behavior.

He seems more eager to please yet also aloof.

He’s become extremely defensive and yet a lot more attached to your relationship.

The gifts are obviously his way of overcompensating for something.

12. Want advice specific to your situation?

While this article explores the main signs your boyfriend is cheating, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like when your boyfriend betrays your trust. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.

How do I know?

Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to get started.

13. There are long periods of silence

You just don’t talk to each other the same way you used to. Back in the day your phone would be constantly pinging from messages and phone calls.

Nowadays you go hours without speaking to each other. And it’s not because he’s incredibly busy.

You see him online throughout the day and in the wee hours of the night but you don’t get anything apart from the usual “how are you”, if at all.

And it’s not just the phone calls or the texts. Even the way you spend time together has significantly changed.

You’d be sitting in the same room without talking to each other. Hours go by and you’re just on your phones, doing something else entirely.

To add insult to injury, when you are together, he seems to be more interested in what’s going on with his phone.

You see him smiling to himself or hear him chuckling from the other room.

At the end of the day, you might as well be alone because you’re not really spending time together.

14. You don’t hear about his life anymore

When you first started dating, you knew every detail about your boyfriend’s life.

At the end of a long day, he’d call you on the phone and tell you everything that happened at work.

He would send you random pictures throughout the day and constantly ask you about how your day is going.

You would be his go-to person for all things, good and bad.

You were the first person to hear about promotions at work or the annoying thing that happened at lunch.

For a time, your relationship felt completely transparent. You know what was going on in his day because he openly (and happily) shared it.

Now getting information from him feels impossible. He doesn’t volunteer information as easily and you often feel out of the loop.

You’d hear new things about his life from friends or (worse) when he accidentally spills them,

It’s as if he’s already told someone the stories before but it only happens that it wasn’t you he’s telling these to.

15. He doesn’t seek out your approval anymore

He simply no longer cares about what you think, and there’s no other way to put it.

Everything he does feels like the bare minimum or an afterthought. When you go out to dinner, he doesn’t put in the extra effort to look nice for you.

When you get into an argument, he doesn’t take the time afterwards to seek you out and console you.

He doesn’t go the extra mile to make you happy and feel special. It’s like he no longer cares what you think about him.

The real kicker is that you do see him try in other ways.

Every now and then, on one of his mysterious boys’ night outs, you’ll see him sporting that shirt you used to love.

You’d see receipts for gifts you never got or restaurants he never took you to.

It’s not that he’s stopped trying to grow as a person, it’s that he stopped trying to grow for you.

If his behavior suddenly shifted from trying to please you to not caring about what you think anymore, there’s a good chance he’s seeking validation elsewhere.

Because he’s receiving approval elsewhere, he no longer feels the need to please you and try hard in your relationship.

16. He says things like, “Why can’t you be more adventurous or fun?”

A sign of infidelity is if he starts focusing on perceived flaws in the relationship.

He might be getting frustrated that you’re not like the person he is having an affair with.

This is particularly the case if he starts wondering why you’re not fun enough or why you don’t experiment in the bedroom enough.

When any relationship starts, even if it’s just an affair, it can start off pretty much raunchy and passionate.

Focusing on your flaws could also be a sign of hostility towards you because in his mind he is blaming his cheating ways on you.

17. He is suddenly on his phone much more than usual

Smartphones mean it’s easier to cheat, but it’s also easier to catch people cheating. A change in their way your boyfriend uses his phone is a big giveaway that he might be cheating. 

If your boyfriend is suddenly on his phone much more than usual, he might just be engrossed in a game or busy on work emails.

Ask him casually why he always seems to have it in his hand. His reaction will tell you a lot about whether he might be cheating or not.

If he’s secretive with his phone when he never has been before, that’s also a really clear signal that something’s up.

According to counselor and therapist, Dr. Tracey Phillips, hiding things from you on their phone may be a sign of cheating:

“They could be trying to avoid receiving any questionable calls or texts in your presence.”

If he used to happily leave it lying around in the living room, but now puts it in his pocket wherever he goes, you should wonder why.

Also, look for him turning the screen away when you’re nearby or not wanting to charge it overnight by the bed.

These things too could have completely reasonable explanations. He might be turning the screen away because he’s planning a surprise for you, for example.

But be aware of changes and keep an eye out for patterns.

18. Less or more sex

If your boyfriend’s attracted to another woman and having sex with them, he’ll probably change the way he has sex with you. 

Some men will end up not wanting sex with you if they’re cheating. They might even feel as if having sex with you is ‘cheating’ on the other person.

Or they might just have lost interest because there’s someone else on their mind. If he stops initiating and starts to avoid situations when you might initiate (like early nights) then think about why. 

Other men will want sex much more when they’re cheating. Having sex more means it’s on their mind, whoever they’re with.

Sex expert Robert Weiss explains why:

“Both decreased and increased levels of sexual activity in your relationship can be a sign of infidelity. Less sex occurs because your partner is focused on someone else; more sex occurs because they are trying to cover that up.”

They might also be feeling guilty and trying to cover up their cheating by being ultra-affectionate.  This can be especially cruel if you’d been going through a bit of dry spell.

The cheating re-sparks their sexual appetite, but you don’t realize it’s not because their feelings for you have strengthened. 

Another thing to look out for is men who start doing things in bed they’ve never done before. Where did they learn it from, if not from you? Could be porn, but it could be another woman…

19. Constantly mentioning someone…or stopping mentioning them

When you’re into someone, you tend to talk about them all the time, often without really realizing it.

If your boyfriend is cheating, it’s a weird irony that he might find himself ‘telling’ you about it by talking about his new interest all the time. 

If a woman’s name keeps cropping up in conversation, then you have cause to be concerned.

When this happens, it’s often a work colleague or someone he’s met in a totally innocent context and this means that he doesn’t realize there’s anything strange about talking about them. In his mind, he’s not talking about the other woman, he’s just talking about work. 

If he mentions a woman all the time and then suddenly stops mentioning them, that’s even more suspicious.

It’s a good indication that something that started out as a crush or a bit of flirting has now moved on to something physical.

Once he’s actually having an affair, he’ll usually realize that mentioning her all the time isn’t a great idea.

20. Making a sudden effort with appearance

Many men don’t bother too much with their appearance once they’re in an established relationship (beyond the basis of showers and clean clothes). 

What should you think if your boyfriend suddenly buys himself a new wardrobe, or develops a complex new skincare routine? 

If this happens, it’s certainly possible that he’s just trying to impress you, or that he’s having a quarter or midlife crisis.

But there’s also a strong possibility that he’s doing this to impress someone else. Think back to the first few months of your relationship.

Did he make more effort then, compared to recent times? If his new-found focus on appearance is similar to how he was when you first got together, then you have cause to be worried.

It means he’s doing the things he naturally does when he’s in a new relationship…except this time, the relationship is not with you. 

Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and co-owner of Double Trust Dating, says that if your partner has had the same haircut for a long time but suddenly has a bold new haircut “this could indicate an effort to impress another person.”

According to Dr. Phillips in Bustle, you may also want to have a look for a change in their grooming habits:

“If your partner comes home and jumps right into a long shower, they may be washing away any evidence of cheating.”

21. Money disappearing

Cheating can be expensive. There will be meals out, drinks and maybe hotel rooms. If the woman he’s with is cheating too, they won’t have anywhere to go other than out and that costs a lot of money.

Even if she’s single and has her own place to take him to, he’ll want to impress her and that will usually mean expensive dates, flowers and gifts. 

If your boyfriend earns well, or you don’t have joint finances, you might not notice the extra spending straight away. But over time, the costs will start to add up. Look out for letters from the credit card company landing on the doorstep – they might be reminders because he’s late paying the bills. 

If he seem short of money all the time, when he never used to be, that’s another clear sign. Maybe he’s stopped suggesting your usual Friday night pizza, or he buys you a cheap gift for your birthday.

There might be little signs at first  – simple things like buying a cheap bottle of wine rather than an extravagant one when it’s date night.

If those little things start to add up, and you can’t think of any other reason why he’d be worried about money, then you might have a problem.

(If you’re in an unsatisfying relationship, you need to get inside his mind and find out what he’s thinking. Our Make Him Worship You review dives deep into a popular new dating program for woman who want to better understand their guy).

22. Working more or developing new hobbies

Many men meet the person they have an affair with at work, so spending more time at work is a good indication there might be something up.

According to Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW in Psychology Today:

“Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late or absent altogether might also signal infidelity.”

Everyone has times when they need to work a little harder than usual, but if he’s working lots of overtime for no apparent reason, be worried. 

This is especially true if his job hasn’t demanded this before. Also remember that overtime usually leads to something.

Either a promotion, or more money, or a big new project. If none of these things seems to be happening, it’s time to ask him why he’s working so hard and what he’s working on.

If he doesn’t have an answer, then it’s quite likely that he’s not actually working when he says he is. 

Another thing to look out for is big new hobbies that take up lots of time. It might be that his new hobby is something his other woman also does and that he’s got into it with her.

It might also be that it’s completely made up, and is simply an excuse to spend time away from home. 

Look out for anything  – work or hobby related  – that takes him away overnight or at weekends. It might be that he’s making it up and he’s not where he said he’d be.

Or it could be that the promotion he got that means work travel, is one he went for because of the travel…with her.

It might be that he’s not really that into triathlon, but she does it and being part of her triathlon club means weekends away competing.

If you’re suspicious, suggest coming with him next time and see what happens.

23. Ducking out of social or family events

We all have times when we don’t really feel like seeing friends or family, but cheaters often take that to another level.

This might be especially true if they think your relationship has probably run its course, but don’t have the courage to own up to it. 

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula in Oprah Magazine, “A major commitment makes it more difficult to pull out of a relationship quickly.”

If he is still happy to see his own friends and family but is avoiding events with yours, then it might be that he’s cheating and slowly withdrawing from your life.

Even if he’s not cheating, it’s usually bad news if a man who was previously happy to socialize with ‘your side’ decides he isn’t happy with that anymore. 

Be careful that you don’t assume anything, though, as this can be a tricky one.

Sometimes, people alter their social habits because they’re struggling with anxiety or depression, and men often don’t find it easy to talk about their mental health, even with those closest to them.

It might be that he’s willing to socialize with his own friends still because he’s more comfortable with them. Tread carefully, but don’t be a pushover.

24. You feel like he’s mentally checked out

Do you ever sit in the same room with your boyfriend and feel like he’s not really there?

You could be sitting knee-to-knee with each other and you’d still feel hopelessly alone.

When you talk, you could almost see the words drifting in from one ear and out the other. Nothing you say ever sticks and you constantly have to repeat stories because he’s obviously not listening.

Even as he stares into your eyes throughout an entire conversation, you could tell his mind is wandering elsewhere.

He has that vacant look in his eyes that just means he’s thinking about something else completely.

Not to mention his short, unthoughtful replies, and maybe even curt responses that signal how badly he wants this conversation to end.

You can chuck it up to being busy with work or just preoccupied with life but you know deep down that it’s something else entirely.

The fact that he’s no longer invested in your day-to-day interactions shows that he’s steadily falling out of love with you and maybe falling in love for someone else.

25. He hates when you do something nice for him

Out of all his emotional mood swings, this probably has to be one of the more suspicious ones. He used to cherish all of the sweet, unprompted things you did for him.

Something as small as leaving a note in his bag or texting throughout the day was enough to make him swoon.

Nowadays, a small, simple gesture could be the start of a bad fight. It’s like he’s deterring you from doing all the nice things for him.

If so, he’s probably feeling guilty that he’s playing the field while you’re still very much committed to him.

And you acting nice around him just reminds him how much of a scumbag he’s being behind your back.

If a guy gets annoyed at you for being sweet, take that as a red flag and pack up.

Either he’s guilty or he’s just a person who doesn’t know how to appreciate the good things in life.

Either way, you don’t deserve a man like that.

26. Lots of attention

Not every cheater wants to end their primary relationship. It might be that your boyfriend is cheating, but in the hopes that he can have a bit of fun while still staying with you. 

If this is the case, it’s quite likely that he’ll become more attentive rather than less. He’s feeling guilty and wants to make himself feel better by showering you with attention.

Maybe he’ll book a romantic weekend away, or come home with flowers when he never has before.

Perhaps he’ll step up his game when it comes to Christmas or birthday presents and buy you something far more expensive than he ever has before. 

Of course, it might just be that he’s been thinking about the future and realizes he wants to pay you more attention and commit to you more than he has before.

That does happen when relationships step up a gear. 

But if you don’t think that’s what’s happening, and he’s super attentive out of nowhere, you do have reason to be wary. 

27. You know something’s up

Intuition is real. 

If you get that gut feeling that there’s something wrong, it’s probably because there is. 

Intuition allows you to pick up on small clues about your boyfriend’s behavior. There might not be anyone big thing that’s changed that you can analyze rationally.

But you know that things are different from how they were and you’re wondering why. 

It is important not to allow an openness to intuition to become insecurity, though. Be really honest with yourself.

If you have a history of being suspicious of other people but never being proved right, it might not be your intuition speaking, but your insecurity.

That’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something you should be working on. 

If you know that you’re not generally insecure, and you have an overwhelming feeling that there is something wrong, then you’re probably right. 

You know your boyfriend better than anyone. 

Most importantly, you know exactly how he is when he’s in the first flush of lust with someone, because he did that with you.

There is absolutely a reason that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It might not be that he’s cheating, but it’s absolutely right that you try and find out what is going on.

Don’t assume, but be aware and start to ask questions. 

How to save your relationship

First, let’s make one thing clear: just because your partner is exhibiting a couple of the behaviors that I just talked about doesn’t mean that he is definitely cheating. It may simply be that these are indicators of trouble ahead in your relationship.

But if you’ve seen several of these indicators in your partner recently, and you’re feeling that things aren’t on track with your relationship, I encourage you to act to turn things around now before matters get any worse.

The best place to start is by watching this free video by relationship guru James Bauer. He introduces a novel concept in relationship psychology which I mentioned above—the hero instinct.

Many things can slowly infect a relationship, including distance, lack of communication, and sexual issues. If not dealt with correctly, these problems can turn into infidelity and disconnectedness.

When someone asks me for an expert to help save a relationship, I always recommend James Bauer.

James is the real deal when it comes to relationship advice. He is a best-selling author and dispenses valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.

The strategies James Bauer reveals in this video are extremely powerful and might be the difference between a “happy relationship” and an “unhappy break up”.

Here’s a link to his video again.