Paul Brian
Picture this:
You met someone a week ago and you’ve been talking 24/7.
You’re already thinking about a future with them and blushing at random times of the day thinking back to your first kiss.
“Holy shit, I’m in love. Already.”
But there’s a big problem. A very big problem: the other person is not. And your own falling in love has ruined your chances with them.
Here’s how to slam the breaks on a runaway heart that just can’t stop cliff diving and falling in love like a reckless adolescent.
How to stop falling for people so fast: 12 important tips (complete list)
So you met a guy or a girl.
They’re amazing.
You connect like a bonfire and lighter fluid.
You can’t stop thinking about them, getting turned on by them, laughing at their jokes.
I’ve been there.
But before you take the next step and completely give your heart away I want to advise you to slow down and read this advice.
1) Remember your own value
How much do you value your own life?
In other words, do you feel you are less valuable or worthy if you are single or unable to meet someone you would like to be with?
Remember, the question is not about whether you wish to have a partner; the question is whether you feel your value is lowered by not having one.
This is one of the most difficult topics there is, but the truth is that part of why some of us fall in love so fast is that we don’t truly value ourselves.
We want so badly to be validated and loved by someone we admire and are attracted to, that we come on far too strong, scaring them away with our neediness.
This is counterproductive and starts a cycle of chasing.
We want love so much that we chase it too hard, thereby decreasing our chances of a fulfilling mutual relationship.
And so on.
That’s why step one in how to stop falling for people so fast is to remember that you have real value whether you’re single or not.
Your value is real and inherent, it is not conditional.
Remember that!
2) Stop looking for guarantees
Love is a risk. It’s a giant risk, and nobody ever said it wasn’t.
But the thing about falling in love too quickly is that you basically take a pistol and shoot yourself in the foot.
It’s a completely unforced error.
I can hear what you’re saying right now, though, because it’s the same thing I’ve said many times:
“I understand that, but I can’t control when I feel a strong connection to someone, especially when it’s rare for me to feel strong chemistry with somehow.”
I believe you!
But you still need to actively block that hopeful grasping part of yourself, because as much as you hate to admit it, a big part of falling too fast is always insecurity.
Like A Conscious Rethink says:
“If you like someone and think they might be boyfriend or girlfriend material, you may be driving the emotional side of the relationship forward quickly in order to ‘secure’ their place in your life.”
But that’s not how any of this works.
There are no guarantees in love.
And, in fact, the harder you push the more they run the opposite direction.
Control yourself!
3) Talk to someone who understands
The idea of talking to a professional relationship coach always struck me as odd.
After all, we’re all flawed and have many disappointments in love, how much can somebody else really help you resolve your own romantic challenges?
Quite a bit actually!
I found out firsthand when I contacted the website Relationship Hero about my constant love addiction and falling in love rapidly only to be harshly disappointed, ghosted or left in a weird gray zone.
My coach worked with me so well in helping me understand what was going on and why.
They did not sugarcoat anything, yet at the same time I didn’t feel I was being called “broken” or a loser in any way.
In fact, getting overly attached to someone too quickly and blowing relationships is incredibly common.
Still, it can be a real heartbreaker, and learning how to solve it is key.
That’s where the folks at Relationship Hero really helped me take that next step and overcome this tendency I have to give my heart to the first person I meet with a pulse and a sense of humor and a nice smile.
I learned how to tamp down and control that part of myself and it’s been a huge upgrade for me.
Click here to get started with a certified coach.
4) Beware the dangers of one-itis
Step two for how to stop falling for people so fast is to beware the dreaded dangers of so-called “one-itis.”
What’s one-itis?
Simply put, it’s the belief that only one person will satisfy us or be our true love and that failure to end up with them means we will never find happiness or a relationship.
One-itis is basically the idea of getting addicted to one person and confusing infatuation for love.
You feel a strong connection and desire and believe it’s love.
It’s not.
It’s you putting someone on a pedestal and putting your hopes and dreams in them.
Some people take this to the art of almost being a kind of drug, building up massive expectations based on nothing and then wallowing in intense despair.
I’ve been there and it’s not somewhere I’m interested in returning to ever again, frankly.
I urge you, also, to put down the hope-ium pipe and return to reality.
There is more than one person out there who can be an amazing partner to you and share a reciprocal, loving relationship.
Believe it!
5) Think of a past romantic disappointment
Next up is a bit of an unpleasant task:
I want you to think of a past romantic disappointment that left you high and dry.
Really bask in that painful memory like you’re being fried in a skillet of pure pain.
Let the tears of sadness and rage fall to the floor at a past humiliation and let-down you’ve experienced.
I hope you only have a few to choose from in the memory bank.
I know I have my share…
An embarrassing interlude…
This is where I need to dish the dirt, right?
Sure, well here goes one small example:
Way back in university (yes, I’m old) I took a shine to a young woman with a mysterious air, long light brown hair and sorrowful but gorgeous green eyes.
I saw her around at the cafeteria and eventually got up the nerve to say hi to her, commenting on the poor quality of the food.
Several days later I sat down randomly at a table with her and several guy friends who were friendly and nice as I made this highly awkward display of being interested in their gal pal.
We awkwardly traded conversations about where we were from and our courses and left.
Several days later, my status as an awkward stalker cemented, I saw her walking near one of my classes with several friends. I caught up to her and asked how it was going.
“Good,” she said dismissively, returning to the intense discussion she’d been having with her girlfriends about the latest episode of Sex and the City.
Strike-out! Humiliation! Disappointment!
Silver lining? She was a girl who was passionate about a stupid rom-com show and debated it with friends, not exactly girlfriend material.
Still, my neediness and awkward desperation for love (and the mystical, wonderful person I falsely imagined her to be) had made a complete ass out of me and remembering it makes me cringe with disgust.
Back to the point…
The point of this exercise is to remember that even your greatest expectations were dashed in the past.
Why would this be different?
Kill your hope. As I said, put down the hope-ium pipe.
Far too many end up addicted and their entire lives go by while they’re slouched on a couch watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reruns or some mindless, inane shit.
Just stop.
Love will come and you’ll know it, but it won’t be after two days talking to someone and getting your hopes up. It will build slowly and surely.
6) Be brutally honest with yourself
Brutal honesty is another key to learning how to stop falling for people so fast.
As I related in that previous example, I had a habit in the past of building people up into what I imagined them to be and then being bitterly disappointed to find out they were basic.
If you have a similar pattern, facing it is crucial.
The best way I know to do that is to take the rose-colored glasses off and look at this person for who they really are.
What makes you think they’re so unique, so special, so wonderful?
Are they hot?
Their smile is dazzling?
They have this special “energy” that captivates you?
OK…understood.
Now look around: I could probably point out quite a few other people within a five mile radius of you who have similar qualities of beautiful smiles, magnetic energy and attractive physiques and faces.
What’s more, if you let this object of your idealized attention be subjected to the spotlight of scrutiny you may notice many less attractive things about them:
They disagree with your core values…
They’re arrogant or insecure and make us feel like shit…
Their friends are idiots…
And so on.
Never make the mistake of putting someone on a pedestal. They rarely deserve it!
As Elle writes at Forgetting Fairytales:
“We crave that love and connection so we stop focusing on whether this person is really right for us, and instead look at how they can make us feel, in that moment – whether they meet our needs.”
7) Connect your conscious and unconscious mind
This next step may come across a bit spiritual, but it’s actually very grounded in solid science.
There is a bridge everyone has inside themselves that connects their conscious and unconscious:
Their breath.
Think about it:
The respiratory system is automatic, yet it is also something we can consciously pay attention to.
We can decide to breathe more deeply, breathe differently, hold our breath and so on.
Or we can forget about breathing and let our automatic reflexes inhale and exhale.
This is what makes breathing so special.
You can’t “will yourself” to digest more quickly, but you can change how you breathe and what you focus on when you breathe.
One fascinating practice involving breathing is ancient shamanic breathwork, which helps you to overcome traumatic patterns like devaluing yourself or falling in love too easily.
When I felt the most lost in life, I was introduced to an unusual free breathwork video created by the shaman, Rudá Iandê, which focuses on becoming whole and dropping neediness and insecurity that can often leave us chasing love and putting high expectations on others.
My relationship was failing and my body felt constantly tensed up. I was chasing validation like an addictive drug, but no matter how much I got I couldn’t get enough.
I hadn’t been familiar with breathwork before, but I decided that it couldn’t hurt to see what it was all about.
I had nothing to lose, so I tried this free breathwork video, and the results were incredible.
If you feel a disconnect with yourself due to falling in love too easily and feeling like you’re always “chasing” love instead of it coming to you, I’d recommend checking out Rudá’s free breathwork video.
Click here to watch the video.
8) Don’t beat yourself up (but have the right approach)
Don’t beat yourself up.
Getting interested in someone you met recently or started dating recently is one thing.
Acting on it or consciously choosing to focus on it is another.
Let me explain…
All of us no matter how stoic are prone to getting caught up in dating someone new or meeting somebody we like a lot.
Anybody who tells you they’re completely non-needy or non-affected by meeting someone they like a lot is lying or sociopathic.
However, it’s what you do when you meet someone where there’s huge chemistry that’s key, as are the beliefs that surround it.
The best way to approach this is the following:
Firstly, be sure that everybody is strongly affected by meeting somebody they like. You are not a loser or desperate for taking a strong interest in somebody you’ve just met.
Secondly, keep in mind that just because you have met somebody you like does not mean that you need to indulge all your impulses and thoughts about them.
Stop answering every text right away. Stop being so available. Stop trying to make sure you “secure” a place or role in their life.
In short, stop trying so hard.
It’s fine that you have a strong interest in someone, but don’t ever believe that this is the “only” person who will make you happy or that if you take half a day to focus on other things they will ditch you and give up.
If they like you, they will put in the effort too.
If you are dating someone who ditches you after a day or two of you being busy they’re wrong for you anyway!
This is by far the better way to think of this and to approach a situation where you are having strong feelings for somebody you only recently met or began dating.
9) Meet more people
Earlier I wrote about the dangers of “one-itis” and how getting completely hung up on one person can leave you hung out to dry.
The basic point is that when you get very invested in someone too quickly, you open yourself up to a world of disappointment.
One of the simplest solutions is to meet more people.
If you’re like me, then you find many people a little bit boring both intellectually and in terms of their energy and creativity level.
Does that make me arrogant or egotistical? Perhaps!
It has been my experience in many social situations, including dating.
However, by going out with more people you do something very important…
Even if the experience is a bore a minute and you just end up getting more of a look at the seedy singles underbelly of your city than you planned, you divert your mind from one-itis.
You start to subtly sweep aside this idea that only one person can make you happy…
And you direct your attention and energy outwards, which is an extremely valuable thing to do.
Because here’s the thing:
When most people meet someone they like their focus becomes very narrowed. They shower that person with attention and expectations.
When you act differently, you immediately set yourself apart in a romantic and energetic sense.
Even if you never end up with the person you are falling for, you have clearly marked and reinforced your own value to yourself and others.
10) Become more cynical (just a bit)
I’ve always been something of a romantic and an idealist.
The world has done its best to pound that out of me with a metal mallet but I admit some tinge of it still remains and always will.
Nonetheless, disappointing experiences in love have left me with quite a hard edge of cynicism.
Do I still feel hurt when slashed by the cold blade of unrequited love? Absolutely.
Do I still have lonely times when I curse life? Don’t we all?
But I no longer feel my sense of self-worth destroyed by rejection…
And I no longer suffer nearly as often or fully when things don’t worked out how I hoped.
I try to pay as little attention as possible to my hopes.
They say shit happens, I say hope happens.
Big deal.
I’m much more interested now in reality and in those who reciprocate the attention and affection I show for them.
And I credit a big part of that to becoming just a bit more cynical about the Hollywood love stories we’ve all been flooded with.
I still believe in romantic love, relationships and marriage. I always have.
But I believe that any love which requires you to betray your values or jump in more quickly than your comfort level will blow up in your face.
11) Walk in someone else’s shoes
How do you feel when someone starts to like you really rapidly and wants your attention and validation?
Maybe you think they’re charming and cute too…
But chances are that a sudden intense bout of interest from them makes you pull back.
Why?
It’s needy, it’s clammy, it’s just…too available.
You start to feel like they’re depending on you to be happy in life or trying to fit you into a role and – speaking frankly – it’s cringe.
Do you want to be cringe?
I don’t. So keep that in mind the next time you find yourself falling in love rapidly and wanting to bare your soul to a practical stranger.
12) Embrace an abundance mindset
There’s a lot out there in the New Age community about having a so-called “abundance mindset” and manifesting your desires and goals.
I’ll be honest: I think a lot of it is overblown.
However, I also think it’s hit on a key truth about life and love:
What you focus on tends to be what you notice around you and end up getting involved in.
If I desperately want to buy a pair of green jeans, I’m going to start noticing the hell out of people wearing green pants everywhere I go.
It’s how our minds and attention are designed.
A huge part of learning how to stop falling for people so fast is learning to have an abundance mindset about love and romance.
I do believe that real love is rare and that we can’t force it.
However, I also believe that falling in love too fast is often a symptom of doubting or own value or our own luck or success in meeting compatible partners.
It’s key, then, to accomplish the two-fold task of knowing that you are inherently valuable…
And knowing that you will have options even if you currently don’t.
Drill these two beliefs into you, because they will be the foundation pillars of your new romantically abundant reality.
Believe this truth
I’m going to make an unusual demand here, but I’m doing it for your own good, and mine.
Believe the following truth:
Love is out there and it will find you without you having to lift a finger.
All you will have to do is pursue your best life and wake up one day to find that love has also entered your life.
Stop searching for love. Truly stop.
Stop resisting love. Truly stop.
Just live your life. Let love come, and let it go.
Like a butterfly that lands on your shoulder, love will come, but it will not come because you try to force it.
It will come tomorrow or next year, but it will come. Focus on living your best life.
