How to make your ex want you back after he dumped you

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Getting dumped has to be up there as one of the all-time worst situations to find yourself in.

You care about your ex still, you didn’t want things to end like this, and maybe you still believe that you should be together.

But how do you get your ex to realize this too?

Forget a million and one things to get him back. This article will explain how to make your ex want you back after he dumped you, in six simple steps.

How to make your ex want you back after he dumped you

Step 1: Understand what went wrong

I know, you really want to jump to the part where you are back in your ex’s arms and he is begging for your forgiveness.

But sadly, we can’t fast forward through the groundwork that gets you there.

Because the brutal truth is:

Something went wrong. There was something in your relationship that wasn’t working, otherwise, you wouldn’t be in this place.

You can’t sweep that under the rug. And so before you move forward you need to be honest with yourself about the problems.

This gives you the chance to work on those things.

If there are things that you need to work on personally, you can then show your ex that things have changed and it will be different next time around.

But it also gives you a chance to consider whether you really want him back.

I know you might think you do. But in the aftermath of a breakup emotions run high. They cloud our judgment.

Get a pen and paper and write out the problems you had in your relationship. Try not to sugarcoat it.

Also, ask yourself some upfront questions like how did he treat you? Did he make you feel good about yourself? Did you feel secure and safe in the relationship?

When it’s all written down in front of us in black and white it’s often harder for us to ignore. It’s easier to see things more objectively from the outside.

I know right now you just want the pain to stop, and getting him back seems like the best way to do it.

But you do need to consider whether he deserves to get you back. Don’t sell yourself short.

Step 2: Boost your status

I’ve just explained how super intense our feelings can be after a breakup, and I want to elaborate on that now.

Because understanding and trying to keep in check some of these emotions is going to be vital. That’s because the key to getting your ex to want you back after he dumped you lies in this:

You have to boost your status again in his eyes to re-trigger that desire and longing he once felt for you. Because right now, he can’t see it.

Certain things will raise your status in his eyes, and certain things are going to lower it.

Getting all obsessive about him is going to do you zero favors. Whilst trying to appear as cool as a cucumber is.

But I know it’s easier said than done to just quit obsessive thinking about someone who we care about. Understanding the science behind a breakup might help. Because, yep, there is a science to it.

Breaking up hurts so damn much because:

  • Studies have found our bodies respond to heartbreak in the same way as it does to physical pain. So it literally does hurt.
  • Research says our brain chemistry changes as we tend to experience a drop in the production of our feel-good hormones dopamine and serotonin.
  • The panic of a breakup feels like an emergency to your body and so it goes into fight or flight mode. Which is why we can feel in shock and so desperate.

All of these things play havoc and mean you’re not in your normal state of mind. So remember this. Recognize that this response is natural, but it will fade.

You just have to stay strong for a little while and ride it out (more tips on how to do this coming up soon).

Tell yourself over and over, this feeling is only temporary.

You don’t want to do anything you end up regretting — and that will ruin your chances of your ex wanting you back.

Which brings me nicely onto our next step.

Step 3: Don’t plead, beg, or act desperate

Remember, your game plan is to show him how high-status you are as a woman. And high-value women carry themselves in a dignified way.

So that means you shouldn’t act needy, desperate, or too keen.

Many of those early dating rules of not coming on too strong apply again now. Because the breakup has set you both back a few steps.

Intense behavior runs the risk of only pushing him further away.

Dignity is sexy.

Let that be your new mantra. Because it shows him that you don’t need him, and that is ultimately attractive.

Nobody is on the lookout for a bargain in the love department. This is where you show him you are anything but.

So don’t get angry and scream and shout at him (no matter how tempted you feel). Don’t call him up hysterically crying and begging him to come over. Don’t send him a stream of endless text messages telling him that you miss him.

To want you back, he needs to feel the threat of losing you for good. And that’s not going to happen when you are beating down his door.

Step 4: Cut off contact for a while

I’m not going to lie, I think this is often the part of the plan most people hate to hear.

Because all of those physical and psychological shifts that are happening right now in your body and brain make your ex feel like an addiction.

And understandably, the thought of removing any contact can trigger that addiction even more.

But if you want your ex to want you back, he has to be given the space and time to actually miss you.

Until he feels like you have truly gone from his life, all these natural reactions to the loss and grief of heartbreak aren’t going to be properly triggered in him (like they are in you right now).

Not if he thinks he can get you back at any time.

That means you’ve got to go cold turkey — stop messaging him, remove him from social media, don’t call, and don’t meet up.

Fully remove yourself from his life. Don’t give him access to you.

Step 5: Show him your best self (and the person he fell for)

When things start to go wrong in a relationship, or even after the honeymoon phase begins to fade, we can forget why we fell for someone.

But the reality is that he did fall for you once. And all those things he liked are still there.

Now is the time to remind him of how awesome you are. The best way to show him your best self is to actually focus on being your best self.

And ironically, that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

Focus your love, attention, and time back on you and away from him. This is also going to give you the added benefit of taking your mind off him.

Talking to someone is always a good idea, whether it’s a friend, family member, or professional. Even though you don’t want to get stuck fixating on your ex, research has found that reflecting on a recent breakup helps with the healing process.

Post-breakup our confidence usually takes a knock, so work on boosting your self-esteem. Do whatever you can to make yourself feel good.

Personally, I like to work out, wear my nicest clothes, make an effort with how I look, and treat myself in whatever way I can.

It’s also the perfect time to focus on your own personal development.

That could be reading self-help books, listening to motivational audio, or taking online or in-person courses. It could involve starting a new hobby or interest, or learning a new skill.

I’ve started horse riding, boxing, and backpacking after breakups in the past. Getting dumped in many ways has actually been great for my growth.

The best chance you have at making him regret losing you is to build your life back even stronger than before.  

Step 6: Let him think you’re moving on

Now is the time to keep your cards close to your chest.

Bring back that mystery and keep him guessing about your life. Having no contact will really help this.

Because when he doesn’t know what you’re doing, all he can do is imagine. And our imaginations have a tendency to run wild.

In the meantime, be sure to get out there and try to have fun. Undoubtedly, in the beginning, that may feel a bit forced.

You might be tempted to hide yourself away. But make an effort to get out there.

As you start to rebuild a life without him in it (as scary as that sounds) it will all start to feel less daunting.

Meet friends, go out, and keep yourself distracted.

Think of it this way, if it gets back to him that you’re not sitting home waiting for him to call, he is far more likely to feel jealous and want you back.

Step 7: After some time, text him

At some point, if you do want your ex back in your life, you may need to initiate contact again. Perhaps by this stage, he will have already done that.

But if he hasn’t after some time you need to text him.

Even though “some time” is a vague measurement of time, I’m talking about many weeks or ideally months, and certainly not a few days.

Do it too early and you haven’t shown him what he is missing at all.

Initially, just send one brief text to test the water. Don’t give too much away in it, and keep it short.

Make it something pretty casual, just to see how he reciprocates. If he does reciprocate, you can build from there.

His interest or lack of it will likely be clear. Deep down, we can tell when someone is interested in us — because they make an effort.

Of course, there is always the potential that he doesn’t reciprocate. In which case it’s time to move on.

At the end of the day, you can’t “make” your ex want you back. That needs to come from him.

Luckily all the groundwork you put in to get him back is also the best groundwork to feel at your best and heal from the breakup.

So by now, you probably won’t care as much.

By this step, you may even have re-evaluated whether you want him back at all. Because you will be coming from a far happier, more confident, and kick-ass place.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers).

Louise Jackson

My passion in life is communication in all its many forms. I enjoy nothing more than deep chats about life, love and the Universe. With a masters degree in Journalism, I’m a former BBC news reporter and newsreader. But around 8 years ago I swapped the studio for a life on the open road. Lisbon, Portugal is currently where I call home. My personal development articles have featured in Huffington Post, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Thrive Global and more.

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