When a marriage ends it can feel like your whole world has come crashing down.
In the aftermath, it’s not surprising if you feel desperate to rebuild that world. And that means getting your ex-husband to come back.
This article will show you the most effective way to get him to want you again.
How to make your ex husband want you back
1) Rediscover who you are
This step is crucial but all too often overlooked.
It’s super tempting when you want to win your ex-husband back to make it all about him. It’s a common red herring that people fall for.
But the key to successfully winning your ex back actually lies with you.
The truth is that your mindset and how you are feeling will make all the difference in getting your ex-husband to see you and your relationship in a different light.
You have to pretty much build yourself back up to a confidence level where you do not really need your husband in order to lead a happy life.
I know it sounds cruel, especially if right now all you want is for him to come back and you don’t feel like you can be happy without him.
But it’s a reality of human nature that the people who seem desperate and grasping— we pull away from even more. But those who exude inner peace and confidence, we are drawn closer towards.
So you need to be the latter.
When you are in a marriage, you are probably so used to being part of a “we” that it’s easy to lose touch with the feeling of “I”.
But you are an individual. And now is the time to get to know yourself again and figure out what you really want.
What are your likes and dislikes? How have changed during your marriage? What do you want out of life, out of a relationship, and out of a partner?
Take time to answer these questions.
2) Dig deep into your relationship problems
I’m sure you have thought many times about where and how it all went wrong in your marriage.
In fact, it might be all you’ve thought about.
But it’s important to have this reflection time to identify the root causes. Often the issues that tear couples apart are actually just a symptom of the real problem, which lies much deeper.
For example, arguing and conflict may be the result of unspoken needs that weren’t being given a voice in the relationship. Or a lack of sex in the marriage could have come down to a lack of intimacy in general, or not making enough time for one another.
It can help to journal about the biggest areas of tension that existed in your marriage. Research shows that seeing things written down in black and white helps us to process emotions and thoughts in a different way.
Consider the real root of your issues, how you might fix these problems, and whether, in all honesty, things could be different if your ex-husband were to come back.
You may want to contemplate these things on your own, or you may prefer to enlist the help of a professional (therapist or relationship coach) to help support and guide you through the process.
3) Stay civil
When any relationship breaks down, let alone a high-stakes one like a marriage, emotions run high.
And when emotions run high, so can tempers.
There are going to be many things that test you along the way. You don’t need to be a Saint, but remaining as calm and collected as you possibly can is going to put you in the best position for working things out.
It’ll help you manage your stress and stay as patient as you can throughout this process.
Avoid arguments, insults, and crosswords when talking with your ex. Work on trying to really listen to one another and improving your communication in general.
4) Give the relationship time and space
This step is all about allowing the dust to settle.
They say that patience is a virtue, and mending a marriage is going to take plenty of it.
How can I make my ex-husband miss me? Step back from him.
Even if your instincts are compelling you to get even closer to him, know that this isn’t necessarily the best tactic.
If you are constantly still there, he clearly isn’t going to feel your absence in the same way.
If he is going to miss you, he will, without you needing to do or say anything. But you do need to allow him the time and space for this to happen.
Keeping the door open to reconciliation is often enough.
I’m not suggesting you don’t have to avoid all contact with your ex-husband. But particularly, in the beginning, try to let him largely come to you and never chase him.
5) Let him go through his own process
I know it’s incredibly different, but you’ve got to allow your ex-husband to go through his process in his own way.
Even harder, try not to read too much into how he chooses to handle the breakup.
For example, I’ve had a break-up in the past where an ex seemed not to care at all. He was suddenly cold and unresponsive like he had instantly shut off all feelings for me.
Then a few months later he came back crying and pleading to get back together. He had been in denial after the breakup and tried to shut it (and me out), but eventually, it all dawned on him.
My point is that everyone handles things differently. Try not to make assumptions about how your ex-husband feels.
Resist the urge to try to control or manipulate his process, and instead focus on your own.
6) Focus on yourself in the meantime
In order to make your ex-husband want you back, build the best life you possibly can for yourself.
He is far more likely to want you back when he remembers how much you have to offer. And staying at home, crawling up, and refusing to get on with your life isn’t going to do that.
Yes, allow yourself the time you need to grieve and process the wide range of feelings that are normal.
But also try to do things that boost your self-esteem and your self-love, so you can have a good life.
Make yourself feel good. Exercise. Pamper yourself. Take a class. Join a group to meet new people. Learn something you.
Take time to heal and tend to your own emotional needs. Do this for you. This personal growth is such a gift that you get to keep for the rest of your life.
But also know that seeing someone blossom into the best version of themselves is truly attractive.
7) Build rapport again
By presenting yourself in a positive light and reminding him why he fell for you in the first place.
After you have covered all of the previous steps you can start focusing more on your rapport by showing him your best side and slowly trying to reconnect again.
I already said that patience is going to be essential, and the key is to give this process time too.
Treat it as though you were dating for the first time again. It’s normal for those sparks and butterflies to fade in any marriage, but going back to the beginning allows you to try to rediscover them.
So despite the fact that you’ve been married, the same early dating rules apply. Don’t put pressure on yourselves.
Keep it light. Be a little flirtatious and fun. Aim to build a friendship. And focus on the foundations that strong relationships stand on— mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual kindness, and mutual empathy.
Try to remind him of the qualities you once saw in each other that made you fall in love in the first place.
8) Know when to walk away
The steps in this article will help ensure that you feel your best, have the most to offer, and are in the best position to understand and work on your marriage problems that led to the split.
And that is what will ultimately give you the strongest chance of your ex-husband wanting you back.
But the reality is that you have to know when is the right time to call time on your marriage and move on.
That may feel impossible right now. But as you complete the previous steps you will see that there is life, love, and a world of opportunity waiting for you, regardless of whether you can reconcile your differences with your ex-husband or not.
Many marriages are salvageable, even after divorce. Statistics show that around 10-15% of couples do work it out after splitting. And about 6% of couples even go on to remarry each other again after a divorce.
So it is entirely possible for your ex-husband to want you back. But the truth we don’t always want to face is that not all couples can (or should) fix things after a breakup.
At the end of the day, you cannot make your ex-husband want you back. That must come from him if you are to rebuild a relationship together.
It’s important to hold on to the fact that no matter what happens, you are so much more than just your marriage.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.