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7 tips to make the first move on a girl if you’re shy

Is there someone you’re into but you just can’t find the nerve to make that first move?

Are you the only one of your mates left behind at the bar while your friends always seem to get the ladies?

If so, you are not alone!

I’ve put together 7 practical and foolproof tips on how to make the first move when you’re the shy guy.

7 ways to make the first move if you’re a shy guy

1) Slip into her DMs

In the digital world, it’s actually become a lot easier for a shy guy to reach out to a girl. Just send her an instant message!

But beware of being creepy (for the love of all things in this world, do not send her an unsolicited pic of any sort!)

(PSA: Guys – on behalf of all women, we have never, ever wanted a random pic of your nether regions in our DMs. We would truly prefer you to simply say “hello.” But if you can’t do that, and you insist on showing us some skin, be prepared for that booty to go viral. We really just want you to ask us how we are doing.)

Send her a sincere introduction. Be polite. You don’t have a lot to lose since the veil of the interwebs protects your emotions and physical response.

In the age of unsolicited eggplant emojis (this is a metaphor), it’s a rare thing these days for a girl to get a genuine greeting and introduction on social media. She will likely be impressed with a simple and nice message.

2) Make eye contact

This seems like a no-brainer but it’s a simple gesture that can generate a lot of momentum.

In his book, A Practical Guide to Body Language: Read & Send the Right Signals, author Glen Wilson writes:

“The eyes are the most powerful social signalers that we have and hence are sometimes called ‘the windows of the soul’. One of the key elements of what is called ‘social skills training’ is getting just the right amount of eye contact.

“Too little and we come across as shy and awkward; too much and we seem rude.”

Using intentional and direct eye contact can not only let someone know you’re interested in them, but it also can be a sign that you’re confident (even if you’re faking it for the time being).

Eye contact can also show that you are approachable.

However, be aware of the kind of eye contact you are using.  Intense staring can definitely give off killer vibes so be sure to blink and not just zone into her.

If she catches your eye contact and reciprocates, don’t linger.  Look away then look back towards her. Read her body language. If she does the same thing, she has noticed you.

I learned this from relationship expert Kate Spring.

Kate’s a best-selling author and an expert at helping men pick up women (without becoming an asshole in the process). And in her latest video, she introduces the most effective method I have come across to flirt with women the right way.

Watch her excellent free video here.

3) Ask a friend to introduce you

Okay, this one can be slippery, but if you pick the right friend, asking a buddy to introduce you to a woman can be a really easy, and safe way to make the first move.

Say you’re in a bar and you spot a girl you’re attracted to. Or maybe you’re at work, and there’s someone you totally want to meet.  But, as we have well sorted out, you’re the shy guy, so what do you do?

Pick a friend or colleague to do the awkward initial greeting for you!

But take this warning – don’t pick someone too charming or good looking or this may backfire and you could really end up in the permanent friend, or worse, unknown zone.

If your friend also expressed interest in this person, your buddy may be the one getting the giggles and action.

I have been in a situation where I have asked a funny, really pretty, and smart friend to approach a guy on my behalf. They ended up hitting it off and I was left alone at the bar peeling off bottle labels. Gulp. That was not the end result I was hoping for.

The lesson is, pick your wingman wisely and if you do, this can take a ton of pressure off those first moments. Having the right friend introduce you to a girl is an easy way to make the first move.

4) Ask her where something is

Approaching someone and asking them a simple question that requires an immediate answer is a terrific way to make the first move.

Asking something like “do you know where the restroom is?” Or “do you happen to have the wifi password?” is such a great way to start a conversation.

Why?

Here’s the reason: they have to answer and it opens up the gate for you to come back a bit later.

Example: You’re in a hotel lobby and you see a girl you think is cute using her laptop. You walk up and ask her for the wifi password (it doesn’t matter if you need it or not).

She responds and whether she does or doesn’t, you can then come back a few minutes later with “hey thanks, it worked” or “hey, no worries, I was able to use my hotspot but thanks for your help”.

There, you’ve done it. You have started a conversation.

Let’s face it: Being good looking and in shape can be helpful when it comes to striking up a conversation with women.

However, much more important is what you actually say to them. Because it doesn’t matter what you look like or how wealthy you are…

Any man can learn the simple things you need to say to a women to make her attracted to her.

If you want to say things that are guaranteed to impress her, check out Kate Spring’s free video here.

5) Ask her what she’s having (or reading)

If you see a woman at a bar, a cafe, or a bookstore, and you want to meet her, simply ask about the drink or food she’s having. If she’s holding or reading a book, ask about it.

This is an easy way to draw her in and discover shared interests and tastes without making it too personal. Plus, people usually love sharing their opinions about food or hobbies so she’s likely to engage.

Make sure you genuinely compliment or agree with one of her choices. If she has added cinnamon to her coffee, and you like cinnamon, tell her and say you’ll try it. If she’s reading a book on a city you recently visited it, talk about it.

Psychologist Stephen Betchen writes, “Couples that have similar interests to a similar degree tend to have healthier relationships. These partners show interest in one another, think alike, share passion, enjoy similar adventures, and in the end, bond.”

A 2020 study conducted by Dr. Ann Buscho concluded that having ‘no or little common interests’ was one of the major reasons for divorce.

Having a sincere conversation about shared interests or passions is a really great way to not only break the ice but also will speed up your connection. It is a fun way to begin building a foundation.

6) Make her laugh

If you struggle with being the shy guy, chances are you’re also the funny guy of the group.

Use that awkward humor as your superpower!

Women love funny guys!

A 2015 University of Kansas study found that “the more times a man tries to be funny and the more a woman laughs at those attempts, the more likely it is for the woman to be interested in dating.”

Make her laugh! Be silly!

Recently a man walked up to me and said a really ridiculous pickup line from a popular 1990s movie. It was so dumb that I had to laugh and I wasn’t laughing at him. I was laughing with him. That’s the catch.

His intention was to make me smile. And he did. His use of playful humor quickly broke the ice, made us both comfortable and it was easier for me to talk with him.

In fact, I wanted to talk with him because his approach was so innocent.

“Laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter.”

~ John Cleese

7) Just say ‘Hello’

You read this far and I’m telling you to just say ‘hello’? Yep.

The reason is simple: women like for you to be yourself.

Shy can be a refreshing trait in a man and coming off a bit nervous is also charming.

We don’t like men who puff themselves up like a peacock and brag about who they know or what they do. We want real and kind personalities. And if the version of you that is shy is your real self, well then, be him.

There’s a life-changing workshop I’ve been taking called Out of the Box that teaches you how to break out of your own limitations and find your true, and authentic self. I really encourage anyone who struggles with confidence to take this workshop.

Ever wonder why it’s so hard taking those initial steps?

Rejection

Let’s be honest, it’s not easy for anyone, guy or girl, to make the first move on their crush.

Rejection fear is real.

In fact, scientists have found that social rejection activates the same area of the brain that triggers physical pain. Yep, it actually hurts to be rejected. We are a species that thrives on social interactions so we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to not muck things up when making new connections. We actually need to feel accepted.

As psychologist C. Nathan DeWall, Ph.D., states, “Humans have a fundamental need to belong. Just as we have needs for food and water, we also have needs for positive and lasting relationships”.

But if you’re a shy guy, things get even a bit trickier.

Why?

Gender stereotypes

Unfortunately, gender stereotypes still exist that suggest men are meant to be brave, confident, and take initiative.

A 2008 study determined that teenage boys felt extreme pressure to dominate others in conversation and action. In other words, society still expects men to make the first move and to be in charge!!

Society continues to use expressions like “man up,” when challenging guys to approach women so it’s only fair to assume that this kind of stereotype puts a lot of pressure on men to not be shy or nervous.

(Don’t worry. Thankfully in the dating scene, this is quickly changing!)

It’s perfectly acceptable now to wait for a girl to make the move but what if she is shy too!? You both may be dancing in circles forever. So here are 7 ways to take the first step and get her to notice you!

(For some quick inspo, check out these 25 subtle signs a guy can show his interest in a girl.)

Just be YOU

The bottom line is this: you want someone to like you for you. Right? If you’re shy or if you struggle with nerves or anxiety, that’s a part of who you are and that is what makes you unique and attractive.

If you find that you are changing who you are to fit a certain mold or hiding behind more outgoing and confident friends, you’re not going to meet a woman who sincerely values you as your authentic self.

She’s only going to know the version of you you’re presenting.

“It’s not about learning lines or routines or dressing up a certain way. It’s about unmasking the unique and attractive man within yourself and joyfully expressing it to the women of the world.”

~ Mark Manson

The best way to make the first move on a girl when you’re the shy or any guy, is to simply be confident in yourself.

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Written by Robbi King

Robbi Geane King is a plant based chef, wellness consultant and educator and the creator of The Gratifüde Diet - a coaching program on gratitude and spiritual weight gain. As a Buddhist practitioner, meditation is the central grounding practice in her life that she joyfully shares with her two young boys. Originally from Southern California, Robbi currently resides in New York.

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