Divorce is something that’s a reality in all of our lives.
With an average of 750,000 divorces per year just in the United States, we’ve all been touched by divorce in some form.
Even if you hopefully haven’t been through a divorce, you likely know somebody who has or maybe even grew up as a child of divorce.
When fights are getting bad or love is fading away and divorce is on the table, it’s difficult for all involved.
Many couples may try a time apart to see if they can regroup and find out whether they still want to get back together after.
Sometimes that happy outcome does happen, if both individuals find themselves and come back together revitalized and committed.
So, that’s the good news:
Many couples do get back together…
But let’s face it: many also don’t.
I won’t sugarcoat it in this article, separation often leads to divorce and sometimes divorce is the preferable option to staying together.
Still, that’s not always the case and time apart can be a way to realize the love you still have between you.
So if you’re wondering how to make sure your husband will miss you and see the value of the love you have, the tips below will help you out.
This is my guide about what to do if you want to make your husband miss you during a time apart.
1) Let it happen naturally
Your husband will miss you on his own time and in his own way.
You need to let it happen naturally if it is going to happen.
The first and best piece of advice here is to get on with your life.
Make sure he knows you love him, but leave it clear that he is free to pursue his life and leave if that is what he decides.
Whatever love your husband has in his heart will bloom and grow with space and time.
Try to leave the period of separation somewhat open rather than pre-defining it.
Remove the expectations from it and let it be what it will be.
2) Be his friend
If you’re still in contact during this time apart, do your best to be his friend.
Romance and attraction may have cooled, or you may be in a period of significant conflict.
Try your best to be friendly and patient if and when you are in touch via text, calls or messages.
If you meet in person, take it slow.
Try to allow the interaction to unfold naturally without expectations.
When in doubt, remember the happy years you spent together and focus on that.
Maybe you will get back together, maybe not. But even if you do end up making this separation permanent, won’t it be better for it to happen in a less dramatic way.
If you want your husband to miss you while you’re apart, do your best to be kind.
He’ll notice, and he’ll miss you.
3) Use humor to your benefit
Separation and divorce are very heavy subjects.
Your husband is likely to be feeling quite scared and down about what is going on, as are you.
In some cases the only thing left to do is laugh. Or at least try to laugh!
Humor can be your best ally in these kinds of difficult situations.
Sometimes a joke is all it takes to lighten up the day a little bit and help your husband miss the best parts of you.
Jokes are one of many things you can
Another thing which has really helped a friend of mine get back together with her husband after a separation is by the relationship expert Brad Browning.
His Mend the Marriage program is really effective and down-to-earth and gets into ways to fix the difficult problems which crop up in marriages.
In this free video, Browning explains how to salvage what’s left of a marriage and allow love to grow once more.
He also cautions against some of the worst mistakes people make when they are having issues with a spouse and over (or under) react.
4) Take care of yourself
My friend who went through a separation with her husband and ended up getting back together took a very specific approach.
I’m not saying it will work for everyone, but I know it worked for her.
What she did is she focused on looking after herself.
She was still very much in love with her husband and upset about big problems they’d been having, but she didn’t let her worries dominate her day.
She started going for long walks and focusing on her artistic career as a painter.
This focus on something other than the problem really paid off, in addition to her really taking care of herself physically and in terms of diet.
When I met her a couple of months into her separation I’ll be honest:
I almost didn’t recognize her.
Her skin was glowing and she was looking very energized and on the ball. I could tell there was still a lot of sadness there, but she was clearly taking care of herself.
5) Stay low-key on social media
Another thing that I think is really important during a separation is to limit how much you interact with your husband on social media.
When I say interact I mean liking photos, commenting and all that…
But I also mean how much you actually follow and pay attention to what he’s doing and posting.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I really think it’s true.
But these days with our constant connection it can be hard to truly feel someone’s absence and let your absence set in for them.
Now of course you can’t stop him from lurking all over your social media (unless you blocked him) but you can control your own scrolling habits.
For that reason I recommend limiting your amount of interacting with your husband on social media or online chatting.
Say hi, check in, send a joke, let him know you love him. Absolutely. But don’t go too heavy on the texting and social media interactions.
Let him miss you for real and feel your absence.
6) Focus on friendships and family
In the separation, feeling your husband’s absence and hoping that things will work out is completely understandable.
But so far I’ve emphasized how important it is to also pursue your own interests and take care of yourself.
Another thing that’s crucial here is to focus on friendships and family.
The rule here is always quality over quantity:
Even if it’s just one good friend you love talking to, or your deep relationship and trust with your dad or sister, double down on that!
Spend time, bond, share, cry, watch movies, go for a walk.
You’ll naturally be spending some time alone and there will be times when you specifically prefer to be solo.
But if and when you feel up to it, try to bond with friends and family and spend some quality time with them.
You’ll feel better for it and begin to feel more alive even during this potentially depressing time of being apart from your husband and hoping he still loves you.
7) Don’t give up hope
Hope is hard to come by, especially during a difficult period of separation.
You may be wondering whether your husband even misses you at all, but my emphasis here would be not to focus only on his feelings.
How do you feel?
Are you basing your worth and sense of value only on how your husband feels about you?
Nobody would blame you for this marriage and its resolution being your priority here, but it’s crucial not to give up hope and to maintain your value of yourself independent of any outcome in this situation.
Brad Browning is once again an amazing resource for this and his Mend the Marriage course is something that’s really helped a friend of mine repair her marriage after time apart from her husband, which is why I mention it.
Brad’s tips in this video get really specific and down-to-earth about how you can start fixing your relationship without sacrificing your dignity or sense of self-worth.
8) Let him explore the break
I mentioned earlier not to hang on your husband’s responses, to limit social media interaction and to allow him to feel the absence.
At the same time, if and when you do meet (even if it’s just one morning over a cup of coffee), it’s important to let him go where he needs to go.
In other words, allow him to explore why your separation is happening and where he’s at with it.
Don’t put expectations on it or prompt him to say he loves you or anything like that.
If you feel like speaking, do so as well.
The thing about communication is that if you’re honest with yourself and with your partner, then whatever progress you build on that is going to also be honest.
This authenticity is always preferable to a false facade.
After all, would you rather patch up the marriage and get back together on a shaky foundation only to have it fall apart a year later?
Or would you rather let the separation linger for some time longer as you both work through your issues and communicate honestly about what you’re thinking and feeling?
9) Learning to love again
Love is difficult, but it’s worth it.
Now, this doesn’t always mean that you will end up in a relationship, have kids or fix your marriage.
But sometimes it does.
Instead, what I want to focus on is learning to love at the very foundational level and seek love in a way that’s empowering.
I especially like the ideas of the Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê on this.
He talks about finding true love and intimacy in a way that I’d never heard before. It surprised me at first.
I thought I knew his point of view right away about loving yourself, but there’s more to it than that.
Learning to love again while your husband is away is not only about being ready to receive him back if he returns.
It’s also about learning a whole new way of relating to yourself and how you see yourself in the world.
This free video explains it really well, and I love Rudá’s technique for finding a way to love and attraction that’s empowering and reliable.
If you’re going through a time of separation from your husband and wondering what to do with the solitude and confusion, I can’t recommend checking out the video strongly enough.
10) Let him take the lead
If you’re wondering whether your husband misses you, it’s important to remember that he also has agency in this situation.
As much as you may want him to come back or may want to get more of a read on how he’s feeling, you need to let him do it his way.
Asking him for updates is fair, but always remember that it’s not only you who’s here to take action.
If, for example, you tell him that you miss him, that doesn’t put any obligation on him to say he misses you.
Maybe he’s relieved right now for more time apart.
Let him take the lead and reach out to you, when possible.
Don’t put the whole burden on your own shoulders.
11) Avoid the victim trap
The most impressive thing to me about my friend who went through a separation and ended up reconciling with her husband was that she never played the victim trap.
It’s so tempting when you are worried about losing somebody you love or have been mistreated or disappointed to think of yourself as a victim.
Because perhaps in some ways you really are.
But it’s crucial not to make this the centerpiece or core of your identity.
You’re much more, and it’s crucial to focus on all the things in your control and that are not related to the struggle you’re going through.
This separation is important, it’s likely painful and it should be resolved.
But it’s also OK and advisable to work on your life, do what you love, build new friendships and focus on empowering yourself.
12) Never rush yourself (or him)
It’s crucial to allow the separation to wind its course.
If you’re feeling a strong urge to get back together there’s always the chance he’s on a similar timeline.
But there’s also good odds that your husband is on a bit of a different wavelength.
He may need more time, more space or have entirely different issues from you.
It’s important never to rush or set conditions on the separation.
At the same time if you reach a certain point of feeling you have exceeded the amount of patience you have to exist not knowing where your marriage stands, you always have a right to let him know that.
Just remember that he also has a right to let you know whether he’s honestly able to make a decision about the marriage yet or not.
How to talk to your husband during separation
If your husband is missing you during separation, or even if he’s not, it’s also important to have some pointers about how to communicate.
Sadly, many couples completely ignore each other during a separation and thus end up even further apart;
Or they go at each other’s throats, using the separation like a defense and prosecution legal team to rip each other’s characters and relationship behavior to shreds.
This is not about both sides-ism. The separation may be more your fault, more your husband’s fault or 100% not anyone’s “fault.”
It might be that you mutually feel you have grown apart and want to spend time apart and see if the flame might rekindle.
It could be a number of things which have led to this separation.
But in order to prevent it being a free-for-all ongoing argument or a cold shoulder ice age, you need to focus on communicating clearly.
I recommend really taking the time to get your thoughts in order, focusing on how you feel and your experiences and speaking in the least possible accusatory way.
For example even if your partner’s behavior bothers you a lot, you can say “I feel…when you do / say / suggest…” rather than saying, for example, “you are an arrogant jerk.”
Finding out if there’s still a chance
With almost a million divorces per year in the United States alone, divorce is obviously a distinct possibility here.
Think of all the breakups of unmarried couples in addition to that and you have a veritable tsunami of separations and heartbreak.
But I don’t want to only focus on the negative here.
There are things you can do to save this marriage.
And there is always hope, and there is always the worth and value you have inside yourself that no outer situation can deplete.
Remember the love that brought you and your husband together and see if you can rediscover it together.
You can also check out this free video from Brad Browning that I recommended earlier for more tips about how to mend your marriage.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.