You know that your ex is a narcissist but you still want them back.
Despite their problems, you’ve got a lot of love for them. Maybe you even hope they will change.
This article will show you how to make a narcissist ex want you back by following some simple steps.
How to make a narcissist ex want you back
1) Let them cool off
Narcissists are often known for being hot-headed and having a temper.
According to Psychology Today, that can range from intense bursts of anger and simmering resentment to icy treatment and intentional neglect:
“What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportional, and cuttingly aggressive (or intensely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissists’ wants and wishes are not being catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.”
If these strong feelings are still flying around, it’s probably best to give things a bit of time — at least a few days or potentially weeks.
Allow the heat of the moment to pass and tempers to be slightly less frayed.
2) Pinpoint what triggered your ex
What did you “do wrong” in the eyes of your narcissist ex?
Because what triggered them to want to split will make a difference to your approach.
For example, if you bruised their ego, they may need more flattery. If they stopped idealizing you, then you need to bolster your status in their eyes.
If you stopped showering them with attention, you will need to show that you will give them this in the future. If your narcissist ex has a fear of commitment, you will need to play it extra cool and appear unavailable, so as not to scare them off.
The point is that not all narcissists are alike.
You need to identify your ex’s main issues with the relationship so you can deliver what they want from you.
That means not all these steps may be appropriate for you. You might want to miss or skip certain ones, depending on your unique situation.
3) Keep your emotions under wraps around them
Narcissists feed off your attention. That can be either positive or negative, it doesn’t matter.
In order for them to want you back you need to cut off this supply of attention that they so deeply crave.
Because if they see that you are heartbroken and distraught without them, you are still inadvertently supplying them with that attention.
They don’t need to come back to you in order to get their needs fulfilled, so it gives them all the power.
So despite how you may really feel, now is the time for a poker face. Don’t give anything away. Seeing you upset is most likely satisfying to a narcissist.
4) Ignore them
As I’ve just alluded to, the key to winning back a narcissist is cutting off their supply of attention from you before re-sparking their idealization of you (more on this next).
Ignoring them is the best way to do this.
According to experts, when you do this they may try even harder for your attention. That’s because they feel humiliated and their egos can’t take it.
Sometimes you don’t need to do anything, in particular, to get a narcissistic ex back, and they come back on their own when they start to feel the loss of your attention.
5) Show off your “fabulous” life without them on social media
As explained in Very Well Mind, the narcissistic abuse cycle starts off “first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.”
That’s why it’s common for love bombing and charm to be swiftly followed by a lack of interest that leads to a breakup.
If a narcissist broke up with you it suggests they started to devalue you and so threw the relationship away. But these cycles often repeat many times, so it doesn’t mean you can’t spark their interest again.
Showing off how great you look, the fun things you are doing, and your great life on social media can be a way to get a narcissist to once again feel impressed by you.
Meanwhile, it also triggers their ego’s frustration that other people and things are getting your attention.
6) Let them think you’ve replaced them
This could be by going out and having fun with other people, or even having dates with other people.
Narcissists value status. And they think that someone else’s status reflects on them. So when your narcissist ex sees you in demand they will probably want you back.
Looking popular, going to glamorous events, being pictured with new people.
All of these things inflate your status in the eyes of your narcissistic ex which can re-spark their idealization of you again.
If they think someone else wants you, it makes them want you more too.
7) Keep them guessing
It’s not just a poker face that you need in the early stages if you want your narcissistic ex to come crawling back. You’ll also need to keep your cards close to your chest.
Remember, they want your attention. So this is your trump card to play. But bide your time. In the meantime, don’t look for their approval, and don’t let them know you want them back.
It’s all about control games with a narcissist, and keeping them guessing stops them from having all the power. So you can’t look desperate or needy whatever you do.
Tell them you think it’s probably for the best that you split. Make any contact that you have with them vague and don’t come on strong.
This is particularly important if your narcissistic ex is afraid of commitment.
8) Be your best self
After any breakup, it’s always a good idea to focus on yourself and give yourself some extra TLC. And when it comes to getting back a narcissist ex, this can also work in your favor.
They tend to be shallow and make vain assessments of people. So if you start working out, dress your best, and take care of yourself they will take note.
You boosting your confidence and self-esteem makes you even more of a challenge for a narcissist to conquer.
It’s a common misconception that narcissists prey on weak people when actually they like seemingly strong and talented individuals.
Why? because they carry more status than someone who is a pushover.
9) Start to flatter them
At some point, you are going to start to need to charm your narcissist ex by giving them what they crave from you the most…
Your attention. Your praise. Your devotion.
Start small and reintroduce compliments that flatter their ego.
For example, you might comment on one of their social media posts to say that they’re looking really good and ask how they are doing.
You might text them to say that you tried to make that pasta dish, but you can’t do it as well as they do.
Start dropping compliments to make them feel special again.
10) Say it was your fault
Getting a narcissist to admit fault or apologize is pretty unlikely.
And even if they did, it’s probably going to be for an ulterior motive with the ultimate purpose of manipulation, rather than a sincere sorry.
Teamed with the fact that narcissists notoriously hold grudges, it means in order to get your narcissist ex to want you back you will have to be the one who mends bridges.
That may mean taking responsibility for whatever went wrong in the relationship, even when you think you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.
Before you go…a word on breaking the narcissistic cycle
There is a well-trodden path that often plays out in narcissistic romances. An intense pursuit followed by them getting bored and throwing the relationship away.
For some narcissists, this is the formulaic game and ultimate goal.
Before you decide to draw a narcissist back, it’s wise to think about whether you are only setting yourself up for another round of heartache.
Do you really want to hop back onto that merry-go-round?
When dealing with a narcissist your relationship usually feels all about them. So I’d like to take a minute to turn things around onto you.
Now can be a very good time to ask some deeper questions about how you approach love and relationships.
Because we tend to have deeply ingrained ideas and beliefs that silently call the shots. The problem is that they also draw us into unhealthy connections and even toxic situations.
They keep us from finding fulfilling, balanced, and happy relationships. All too often love starts off great, only to unravel into discontent.
We fall for the idea of someone rather than the reality, we try to fix and change our partners, and we want so badly for someone else to “complete us”.
These are the trappings that the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê discusses in his free video about why so many relationships end up going wrong.
And he explains how to avoid these pitfalls, along with the three key ingredients for experiencing fulfilling relationships.
I won’t give too much away, other than to say that so much of it lies in the relationship we have with ourselves.
I really recommend checking out his short thought-provoking video. It may well just change how you view love itself.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
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