Falling in love is complicated enough as it is, and even more so if the guy you’re falling for is already married.
Dating a married guy comes with its own unique challenges, not to mention the ethical dilemma that comes with hooking up with someone who’s already promised eternity with someone else.
But sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and we get that. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with and sometimes the most we can do is see it through to ensure our happiness.
So You’re Crushing On a Married Man: Now What?
It may be someone you work with, or an older classmate in university, or just a friend of a friend. But whoever he may be to you, one thing’s for sure: you’ve got a major crush on him, but he’s already married.
The older you get, the more you might run into this kind of situation.
The “good ones” get taken early, but that doesn’t stop them from being so attractive to you or anyone else who might see them.
Or it might be that the ring around his finger is exactly what’s making you attracted to him in the first place.
The first thing you have to do is understand why you might be crushing on this man, and knowing that you probably aren’t alone.
In fact, plenty of women find themselves crushing over married men for a number of reasons, such as:
1. Married men have proven they can commit
There’s nothing sexier to a woman than someone who can get serious and commit, and when a man gets married he proves that he’s not just some silly boy anymore.
You can imagine what it’s like to be with him: Fantasizing about being with a man who’s already married is easy because you can already see exactly what kind of husband he’s like.
He might be showing you that he’s a devoted husband, that he’s a good dad, that he helps around the house, and exactly why he’s the perfect partner.
The problem — he’s not with you.
If you want to change that, then you need to hear about a new theory in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment. It goes to the heart of why some married men pull away from their wives and seek out someone new.
It’s called the hero instinct.
According to the hero instinct, men have a biological urge to provide for and protect women. It’s hardwired into them.
The kicker is that a man can lose interest in his marriage when his hero instinct isn’t triggered.
That’s where you step in. To learn how to trigger the hero instinct in a married man, check out this excellent free video.
2. You’ve become his confidante
Oftentimes, the person that a married man has an affair or extra-marital relationship with is someone who became their confidante during the marriage.
You might see all the pain and struggle he’s dealing with in his marriage, and that makes it easier for you to think of your possible affair as a way to save him from it.
3. Everything feels more genuine
If a married man is open about his marriage, you know that he’s not lying to you.
Any compliment or kindness he sends your way is true and genuine, because he wouldn’t be doing it unless there was something behind it, especially since he already has a partner.
QUIZ: What does he want from you? My fun new Zodiac quiz can help you figure it out, based on his Zodiac sign. Take my new quiz here.
4. Married men are grownups
One of the most unattractive qualities a person can have is being an overgrown child, and that’s a danger you always run into while dating.
Married men — especially the good ones — tend to be more grown-up than their unmarried peers.
They know how to be healthy, how to take care of themselves, how to care for others, and have a career and a life outside of their relationship. That’s exactly what you want in a partner.
Trying To Get Over Your Married Man Crush
So what can you do about your crush?
Crushing on a married man who might be flirting back with you from time to time can be thrilling and exciting, but you need to take a step back from the situation and look at it for what it is.
It can be very difficult to have a relationship with a married man, for the simple fact that he’s already taken.
So you need to ask yourself a few questions before you pursue this possible relationship (or affair):
- Do you mind being “the other woman”?
- Does he already have kids?
- Are you ready to step in as their mother if it gets to that?
- Do you want something real or do you just want an exciting fling?
- Would you feel guilty about this if you actually did it?
For many people, guilt is the defining factor preventing affairs from happening.
No matter how attractive, kind, and perfect this man may be, you have to realize that he has already made a lifelong commitment with another person, and it’s up to him to live with that, resolve it, or end it before anything else can happen.
If you are finding it impossible to get over your crush, here are some tips that might help you out:
1. Get away from him
Out of sight, out of mind. Keep your distance from this man; do what you need to do to minimize your interactions.
If he’s your boss or coworker, then seriously consider leaving and getting a new job.
2. Realize his flaws
As attractive as he may be, remember that if he ever sleeps with you, that just makes him a cheater (regardless of the situation).
If his wife can’t trust him after years of marriage, what makes you think you would be able to trust him down the line?
3. Think of his wife
There’s another woman on the other side of this, with her own reality and emotions.
What is she going through at home, and how is her life hurting because of a husband who might be sleeping around? Are you comfortable being the indirect source of her pain?
4. Find someone else
When all else fails, find someone else to fill the void. Start dating again, and find someone you can imagine building a life with from scratch, rather than someone who already has a life, a home, and a family which started without you.
5. Love yourself
So often the main reason why we go for problematic men is down to low self-confidence.
Learn to love yourself; convince yourself that you deserve a happy relationship and marriage of your own, one that doesn’t begin with infidelity and secrecy.
You deserve your own happy relationship and family.
But of course, the answer isn’t always so easy and being “the other woman” isn’t always a bad thing.
Relationships and love aren’t always black and white, and if you feel that there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with your married man, then it might be time for you to focus on what you want and go for it.
QUIZ: What does your man really want from you (based on his Zodiac sign)? My fun new Zodiac quiz will tell you. Take my quiz here.
The Perfect Tips To Seduce a Married Man: Fulfilling 5 Common Issues With Married Men
1. Don’t Be So Obvious
His Problem: He loves his wife and his family, no matter what rough times they may be going through.
While it may be tempting for him to flirt with someone else, a good and committed married man will always find himself at a moral crossroads as he considers breaking his vows.
Not only does he not want to hurt his wife and family, he also doesn’t want to see himself as the kind of man who cheats.
Your Answer: Dissociate yourself and your budding relationship with him from the idea of cheating and affairs.
Being aggressively sexual and forward with your intentions may work with playboys, but the good committed married men will run and duck for cover if you make your intentions so obvious so soon.
Ease your way into his life, mind, and heart. Start off as a friend, and slowly let yourself evolve into someone he can confide in, someone he can trust outside of the household.
Let him see you as more than just someone he can cheat on his wife with, but as someone he wants to be with for other reasons.
2. Look Physically Irresistible
His Problem: It’s no surprise that most of us let ourselves go after we get in a committed relationship, get married, and start having children.
And no matter how much he loves his wife, he definitely notices the slow and gradual physical changes happening to her body.
It’s never easy to tell your partner that you want her to start working on her body again, especially if you yourself aren’t looking amazing either.
Your Answer: Be the physical specimen he wishes his wife were. Show him how attractive a woman can be and remind him just how much he’s missing by being with his wife, regardless of their love.
Men are more visual than women and he will be sure to notice your physical efforts around him, especially if you see each other on a regular basis.
3. Let Him Know You Aren’t His
His Problem: He’s forgotten the idea of the chase. Being married and being committed to the same person for years and years means he hasn’t had to deal with the possibility of losing someone he’s attracted to for a long time.
The person he loves and the intimacy and sex that she offers is always by his side, meaning there’s no more sense of a chase.
And while that might not be a bad thing, it can be something that he thinks about from time to time.
Your Answer: Reignite the chase he didn’t know he was missing. Make him feel jealous; make him yearn for you; make him think that he could lose your interest and attraction if he doesn’t act proactively towards you.
Essentially, show him that you aren’t his in a way that his wife is his. That regardless of your flirting and attraction, he could still lose all your attention the moment another man comes by and picks you up.
This drives the internal FOMO inside of him, and puts him on edge as he stops asking himself, “Should I make a move?” and instead starts asking, “When should I make a move?”
4. Never Bring Up His Family
His Problem: A man can love his family as much as his heart allows, but that won’t change the fact that he is now a different person than he was before his wife and kids.
And men miss that younger version of themselves a lot more than women do.
They get a longing for the freedom to reconnect with their past selves and do the things that they can’t (or shouldn’t) do anymore.
They lose their identity and evolve into a dad, a husband, and a family man, and that’s not always a great feeling.
Your Answer: Don’t bring up his family during conversations. Show him that in your eyes, he isn’t a dad, a husband, or a family man.
He’s him — his interests, his passions, his hobbies, his career, his humor and his personality.
He’s everything he was before his wife and kids came into the picture.
This will help him fall in love with you because he’s not just falling in love with you; he’s also falling in love with the opportunity to be his old self again.
5. Appreciate and Excite Him
His Problem: The married family life can get dull, and being with the same partner can start to feel boring, especially when both partners stop putting in the effort.
That doesn’t mean that his wife is a bad partner; it just means that she may have started taking him for granted in some ways, so the things he does for her aren’t appreciated as much as they once were.
His life has fallen into a set of routines, and nothing he does is recognized anymore.
Your Answer: Fulfill his needs to be appreciated and excited. Compliment him on what he’s wearing; tell him that he’s interesting and his jokes are fun.
Show him that you see him in a way that his wife no longer does, and help him fall in love with you by making him fall in love again with himself, especially when he’s around you.
And break him out of his routines whenever you get the chance. Even if it’s just inviting him out to a new bar or restaurant; show him that life isn’t over and that he can still try and experience new things.
Signs That a Married Man is Falling For You
Having the affection and adoration of a married guy can be confusing.
On the one hand, he might just be naturally nice and kind (which is kind of what husbands are by default) and on the other he might be seriously falling in love with you.
But because he’s married, there’s no easy way to tell apart general friendliness and a certain liking for you.
So how can you tell if he’s slowly but surely falling in love with you? Here are some tell-tale signs:
1. He Talks About Your Similarities
A guy that is constantly highlighting how alike the two of you are is trying to get you to see how perfect you are for each other.
If the married guy you like always seems to be focused on how similar you are, then he’s obviously calling attention to your compatibility.
He might be testing the waters by giving subtle cues of attraction.
2. His Body Language Is Telling
Married men who are into you will let you know through their body language.
Professing their feelings for you so explicitly can spell disaster if you don’t feel the same way, so oftentimes married men use body language to convey what they truly feel.
Watch out for even the innocent things like touching your hand and prolonged eye contact.
These might be small gestures but keep in mind that happily married men will go out of their way to make sure other people know they’re taken.
If a married man doesn’t seem to care so much about physical boundaries and throws flirty jokes from time to time, it’s a good indication that he’s attracted to you.
3. He Routinely Stays In Touch With You
Does he talk to you outside of work? Does he greet you during the holidays and even start conversations out of the blue?
Again, married men aren’t as friendly as their single counterparts precisely because they’re hyper aware that they are married and they don’t want other people to mistake their friendliness for flirting.
On the other hand, if the married guy you like is habitually checking in on you and constantly finds reasons to talk to you, there’s a high chance that he’s into you and wants to spend as much time with you as he can.
4. He Goes Out Of His Way To Help
This is another confusing sign since most men’s brains are wired to be solution-driven. An easy way to tell apart general chivalry with one that’s driven by attraction is by seeing how he is with other people.
At work, does he help people the same way he helps you? Does he go out of his way, scheduling you in-between daddy and husband duties, just to make sure you’re alright? How much attention is he giving you compared to others?
If the married man of your dreams is doing leaps just to help you out, there’s a good chance he’s using helping you as an excuse to get closer to you.
5. He Asks About Your Love Life
This is probably the most obvious sign that the married man you like is slowly falling in love with you too. If he’s routinely asking about your lovelife, there’s a chance it’s not just because he’s teasing you and sees you as a daughter/sister figure.
Does he act jealous or standoffish? Does he downplay stories about your dates and constantly tell you you can do better?
If so, he might be sending a signal that he’s available and willing to become a part of your love life.
Brutal Truths You Need To Hear and Accept About Dating a Married Man
Let’s say the guy of your dreams is finally within reach; he expressed interest in dating you even if he’s already committed and wants to see how this will go.
You have amazing chemistry and you’re convinced that you’re the perfect partner for him. You know this isn’t right and yet you feel like everything makes sense when you’re with him.
Dating a married man is a complicated affair. Before you go into the deep end, you have to face the music and consider some things before giving your heart and soul to him.
1. You may not be the first
Consider the fact that you may not be the first girl he’s had an affair with.
All those moves that worked on you may have worked on someone else, which means you might just be another notch on his belt.
2. You may never be able to trust him
Being with you means he’s actively lying to his wife. Can you ever live with the idea that he may be lying to you too?
If your man is a serial cheater, it’s hard to tell whether you’re the last one on his long list of heartbreaks or whether you’re just another stop along the road.
3. You’ll never really date
You’ll never be able to act affectionately in public or do traditional dates like going to the movies or eating at a nice restaurant.
Will you be able to sustain this relationship if you don’t have access to the basic foundations of one?
You won’t be his first priority.
No matter how much he says you are, you’ll always be number two. His kids and his wife will always come first, no matter what.
4. There’s no guarantee he’ll leave his wife
Married men can convince girls who don’t know any better that they’re stuck in a loveless marriage. They might be trying to get you by promising you they’ll leave your wife.
Don’t fall for this because this usually isn’t the case.
Putting You First: Dating A Married Man Without Getting Hurt
Dating a married guy is ten times more complicated than traditional dating. At some point you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.
If your answer is yes, don’t forget to establish some boundaries to make sure you’re not getting the short end of the stick:
Set some rules for yourself. This helps you manage your expectations and minimizes any heartache in the long run.
Live your own life. Cultivate relationships outside of this one. It helps you create healthy boundaries between you and your new man.
Don’t settle. You might think you have to settle for second best because he’s already married. If you feel like he’s not meeting you halfway, or at the very least, contributing what he should in the relationship, reconsider your place in all this.
Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Don’t do things just because you feel obligated to be better than his wife.
You don’t have the responsibility to fill in the gaps of your relationship. What you have is entirely separate; don’t ever feel like you should be making up for things he’s not getting in his marriage.
Taking your relationship to that next level
Getting involved with a married man is a messy situation and often comes with a lot of baggage. You want to make sure you’re ready to take all of that on before you commit to this relationship.
So, what can you do?
If you truly love him, then the best thing you can do is trigger his hero instinct. This is something I touched on earlier in the article.
The truth is, if this married man is in a relationship with you already, it’s because his wife hasn’t triggered this instinct in him.
If she had, there’s no way he would be wandering from the relationship.
If you’re ready for that next level of commitment and all the baggage that comes with it, then this is the way to do it.
The hero instinct was coined by relationship expert James Bauer. To learn how to activate the hero instinct in your man, check out this free video.
Remember, dating a married man and pulling him away from his family is always going to be messy. You need to be ready to commit 100% to all the drama that comes with it.
If you’re not, then move on.
Once you trigger the hero instinct in your married man, he will only have eyes for you. Are you ready to take that next step?
If so, then here’s a link to the excellent free video again.
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