In every relationship, it’s important to feel wanted, loved, and needed.
But then life happens.
Work, kids, mortgages, all of this can lead to a man feeling like he’s not needed or not a priority anymore.
A few years into my relationship I realized this exact situation had happened – we’d got caught up in a routine, and I had stopped paying attention to his feelings.
The consequences weren’t great, as you can imagine.
But a short while later, I discovered the hero instinct. I put it to practice and the changes were instant.
Not only did my man feel unbelievably needed, but he was also happier and a better partner because of it.
So if you’ve got a man at home who could do with a reminder of how much you love and need him, you’ll find the answers here.
Let’s jump straight into what the hero instinct is, and then I’ll be sharing 16 powerful yet easy ways to make him feel needed:
What is the hero instinct?
If you haven’t come across the term hero instinct before, it’s about the biological drive that every man has – including your partner.
The term was first coined by psychologist James Bauer in his popular dating book, His Secret Obsession, but the concept has now taken off and women worldwide are learning how to trigger this drive in their men.
As I am with most things I read about, I was skeptical at first.
But I gave it a go once I realized that I could easily trigger this instinct in my boyfriend, without having to sacrifice my independence or personal power (and I’m glad I did).
James Bauer explains in this free video that all men are driven by these 3 things in life:
- To be respected by those around them
- To provide, protect and care for the people they love
- To feel appreciated for his efforts
Once these drivers are met, nothing can hold a man back from flourishing and feeling the best he’s ever felt, including feeling needed and loved.
You might be wondering, why does he need to feel like a hero?
The reality is, we all want to feel like the hero of our own story.
It doesn’t mean he needs to jump from rooftop to rooftop, wearing a cape and fighting crime, but he can feel like he makes a difference in the lives of the people around him – and especially to the woman he loves.
The thing is though, most men don’t even realize that they crave these three drivers to be met.
But as his partner, you can tap into them, making him feel on top of the world and also more committed to you and your relationship (and who wouldn’t want that?).
To learn more about the hero instinct, check out this excellent free video by James Bauer.
So, without further ado, let’s check out the eight ways you can trigger the hero instinct in your man and make him feel utterly irreplaceable:
7 ways to trigger the hero instinct and make him feel needed
1) Be his personal cheerleader
No matter how large or small his successes are, let him know that you’re proud of him and that he’s doing a good job. Even if it’s something silly, like praising him for finally fixing the leaky tap, it’ll have a profound effect on him.
You see, all men want to feel that their partner is cheering them on.
But that doesn’t mean you have to go overboard, your man doesn’t need to be congratulated every time he ties his shoelaces or makes a coffee.
Keep it genuine, and don’t hold back from letting him know that you appreciate his hard work and the effort he puts into the relationship.
Not only will this make him feel incredibly wanted, but he’ll also start to praise and appreciate you back, so it’s a win-win situation for both.
2) Always have his back
When it comes to the hero instinct, this also includes feeling respected by his friends and family.
And as his partner, you have the unique ability to big him up in front of his friends and truly make him feel like a hero. His confidence will soar and with it, his feeling of being needed and appreciated.
But even more important than this?
Don’t belittle or criticize him in front of other people. This can have devastating consequences on how he views your relationship, and he’ll quickly stop seeing you as a supportive partner.
So, even if you’re having a bad day or an argument over who left the freezer open overnight, keep your grudges behind closed doors and always be supportive in front of his friends.
3) Don’t be afraid to let him help you
One of the easiest and most effective methods of the hero instinct is to simply let your man help you.
Whether it be to open a tough jar lid or to refill the oil in your car, even though you could do that yourself, asking him for help will make him feel needed and useful.
And the great thing about this is you’re not giving up your independence or strength, you’re just letting him into your life and showing him that he makes your life easier.
You’re also reinforcing the fact that you’re a team and you’re willing to ask for help when you need it – this will help in making him open up to you too.
4) Be supportive of his goals and passions
Even if your partner has a hobby or job that you don’t particularly like, it’s essential that you still support him in it.
The truth is, when a guy feels like he’s got your full support, he’ll feel invincible. No goal, dream, or aspiration will be out of reach, all because he knows you’ve got his back.
So how can you be supportive?
Ask him how his day was, take an interest, and ask questions about his new hobby or the project he’s working on at work – just a small acknowledgment will let him know that you care.
And, when you can see he’s focussing on achieving his dreams, give him the time and space to do so.
The most supportive thing you can do is simply let him do what he needs to do, and be there for him along the way. Do this, and he’s guaranteed to feel needed and supported.
5) Positively challenge him
Most men love a good challenge…something for them to sink their teeth in and get stuck into.
And you can easily challenge your man, whether you plan for it or not.
I’ll give you an example:
The other day we locked ourselves out of our flat, and we had no way of getting back in.
My first instinct was to call a locksmith, it’s the normal thing to do, right?
But I could see that my boyfriend was intensely focused on finding a way back in, using any tools he could gather from our neighbors.
So, I took a back seat, cheered him on, and offered a hand where I could, but ultimately he took control and found a way to get us back in, without even breaking down the door.
Would it have been quicker to call the locksmith?
But I recognized that he needed to do this. As soon as we got indoors, he couldn’t contain his happiness and pride at saving the day and solving the problem (to the extent that he called most of his family to describe the drama).
So as you can see, letting him work out this challenge boosted his confidence and released plenty of feel-good hormones, and without a doubt, made him feel needed and heroic.
6) Let him know how much you appreciate him
Appreciation can be shown in so many ways – a smile when he brings you breakfast, a thank you note left in his coat pocket. It doesn’t have to be grand, it just has to be genuine.
When your man feels appreciated, he’ll also feel needed.
And, by acknowledging the small stuff, he’ll realize that you appreciate everything he does for you, even if it seems insignificant.
This will motivate him to do more, to go above and beyond for you, and all because he sees that it makes you happy, which in return makes him feel good too.
Finally, appreciating him doesn’t have to be rocket science.
Men want to feel appreciation and gratitude just as much as women do, so think about the types of compliments you enjoy getting and don’t hold back on doing the same to him.
7) Allow him to make you happy
To trigger that hero instinct within your man, there’s nothing more simple and effective than letting him make you happy.
Now, that’s not to say that you’re going to be happy every day, all day. As much as we wish this to be the case, it’s not realistic and all relationships go through ups and downs.
But, you can easily make him feel needed by just showing him that he makes you happy whenever you are having a good day, or he’s said/done something sweet for you.
And how can you do that?
Well, let’s start with the most obvious and direct way – tell him.
It takes no more than a few seconds to tell someone who happy they make you, and you’re guaranteed to make his day, even his week by saying it.
Other ways include showing him physically, by kissing or snuggling up to him, by sending a cute text expressing your happiness, or by doing nice things in return for him.
8) Let him know he’s the one
Let’s be honest, we often assume that the man in our life just knows that you’re committed to him and only him.
But men, just like women, need reassurance from to time.
And, they enjoy knowing that they’re the only ones. It makes them feel secure, irreplaceable, and above all else, needed.
You don’t have to put on a show and dance about it, but letting him know now and then will keep him feeling wanted and loved, and his commitment to you will also strengthen as a result.
So now we’ve covered the main ways you can trigger the hero instinct to make your man feel, well, like a hero, but also loved and needed to the max.
Now let’s check out a few other fool-proof ways of making him feel needed and wanted with these tips below:
Extra tips to make him feel needed
9) Go to him for advice
What better way to make a man feel needed than to ask for his advice – you’re showing him that you value his opinion and that you trust he’ll give you good suggestions.
Now, if you’re super independent and you don’t feel that you necessarily need a lot of advice from your partner, that’s okay.
Here’s the trick:
The next time you’re about to make a decision, check-in with him and see what he thinks about it.
Most likely he’ll come to the same conclusion as you, and you’ll continue with what you had planned to do in the first place.
But, to him, he’ll feel like his input helped you out and when he sees you acting upon his advice, it’ll make him feel incredibly important in your life.
10) Let him know when you miss him
Even in the most loving of relationships, it’s easy to forget simple acts such as telling your partner that you miss him.
You might think about it, and you might genuinely miss his company when he’s not around, but telling him takes things to the next level.
Think about the times when someone has told you that they miss you…how did it make you feel?
I bet that you felt flattered, loved and you probably missed them back.
So, even if it’s just a quick text while you’re on your lunch break at work or a call in the evening during a conference away from home, let him know.
The power of those three magical words can transform his day, and just knowing that you’re thinking about him will make him feel more needed than ever.
11) Use body language to make him feel special
Using your body language and physical touch is a great way to convey your feelings and to make him feel appreciated and wanted.
And there’s a range of things you can do:
- Spice up your sex life – the more you pursue him or initiate sex, the more he’ll feel wanted and needed
- Give him a kiss or a little shoulder rub whenever you walk past him
- Look into his eyes when he speaks to you – show him he has your undivided attention
- Stroke his hair and caress his body. Affection will comfort him and make him feel loved
The great thing about using your body language and physical touch is that no words are needed.
This is perfect for those who might struggle to communicate their feelings – you can say everything with just a look or a touch.
And, if you add this in with all the other tips we’ve covered, there’s very little room for him to feel unwanted or unneeded – it’s a combination for success!
12) Compliment him
Ladies, we’re not alone in needing verbal validation from time to time.
Men also enjoy being complimented but in their own way.
For example, your partner probably doesn’t care too much about the shape of his eyebrows or whether his nails are perfectly manicured, but he will care about his overall appearance.
And it’s easy to work in one or two compliments a day…anything from, “You look great in that shirt” to “Your new haircut looks sexy!” will do.
Even better, the compliments don’t have to only be about the physical.
You can also start complimenting his personality.
When my boyfriend does something thoughtful for his mum or grandparents, I like to make a point of saying something like, “Your family is lucky to have you around, I think it’s wonderful that you do so much for them”.
And this shouldn’t be hard to do.
There’s a reason you’re with him, so if you struggle to compliment naturally, make a list of all the things that made you fall in love with him.
Every time he does one of these things, even if it’s something small like bringing you a cup of tea, see it as an opportunity to let him know that you appreciate it.
13) Allow yourself to be vulnerable around him
I appreciate that opening yourself up to someone can be difficult, especially if you’ve been stung in the past.
But, to truly make him feel needed, you’re going to have to take this step.
Hopefully, by now you’re at the stage in your relationship where you trust your partner, so there’s no time like the present to begin opening up.
It doesn’t have to all spill out in one go, but over time, gradually let him learn about you – your fears, your desires, your traumas.
The more he sees that you’re comfortable being vulnerable around him, the more trusted he’ll feel.
And the more he feels trusted, the more he’ll feel needed.
Not only is it a positive for him, but you’ll also be moving the relationship forward by sharing your thoughts and feelings with him.
In doing so, you’ll both have a better understanding of each other, and share a stronger bond.
14) Make him a priority in your life
We just know when we’re a priority to someone.
Words aren’t needed when it comes to this, it’s all about actions.
I don’t need my mum to tell me I’m a priority to her, she lets me know by calling me regularly, putting my needs above her own even and always being there for me.
And the same goes for when you’re in a relationship.
There’s no point saying, “You’re the most important person in my life” if you don’t follow through with your actions.
Go out of your way to do things for him, be there for him even when you’re tired or stressed, and most importantly, give him your time and attention.
This will go far in letting him know that he’s number one in your life, and in return, he’ll feel valued and needed.
15) Pay attention to him
Now, we’ve briefly touched upon giving him your undivided attention, it’s one of the best ways to show him you respect him (also an important part of triggering the hero instinct too).
So how exactly can you give him your full, undivided attention?
First off, start by ditching your phone.
Notifications from emails, texts from friends, and messages on social media are all great ways to be distracted.
But, the more you make a point of putting your phone to one side whenever you spend time together, the more likely he is to do the same.
You’ll quickly see how your communication improves and he’ll feel happy knowing that he has 100% of your attention when he needs it.
Other ways to improve your attention skills are to avoid interrupting him when he speaks, pause whatever you’re watching on TV, and make sure to keep eye contact.
16) Show him you desire him
And finally, one of the easiest and most pleasurable ways to make him feel needed is to show him how much you desire him.
As mentioned before, spicing things up in the bedroom is a great way to make a man feel great about himself and also about the relationship.
So, break out of your standard sex-three-times-a-week routine and start surprising your man.
Here are a few ideas to help out:
- Introduce sex toys or props to change it up
- Surprise him by initiating size out of the blue
- Send him a sexy text or picture whilst he’s at work
- Be enthusiastic
Throughout your seduction, be as enthusiastic as you can.
Not only will this drive him crazy (in a good way) but he’ll also feel a sense of satisfaction and contentment at being pursued by you.
The bottom line is:
By triggering the hero instinct, you’ll undoubtedly make your man feel respected and appreciated, and all of this will show him how much you want and need him around.
And the best part is, once a man recognizes this, he’ll be more committed to you than ever.
So not only will you achieve your goal of making him feel needed, but you’ll also be strengthening your relationship in the meantime.
Just make sure to be genuine with it, and know that by making him feel great, you’re on the path to cultivating a healthy, loving relationship for both of you.
Putting yourself first in 2022
Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.
What’s your number one goal for 2022?
Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?
To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?
Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?
Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.
And even then…plans fail.
But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…it’s the start of a new year after all!
No, I emailed you because I want to help you achieve the goal (or goals) you’ve set.
I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.
Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.
She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.
So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.
How much do you want it?
Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?
If so, check out the workshop here.
If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!
All the best,
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