Have you got a horrible sinking feeling that your husband has been unfaithful?
Unfortunately, I’ve been in the same position as you. My gut told me something wasn’t right, so I investigated further and my worst nightmare came true – he had slept with someone else.
I know you feel like your world is crumbling down around you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel (and I will help you get there). But first, you need to confirm whether your suspicions are right.
So, let’s have a look at the key signs your husband has slept with someone else:
1) He’s acting different with you
The first sign that he’s been unfaithful and slept with someone else is how he acts around you.
Only you will be able to tell the difference.
It could be something as small as “forgetting” to give you a kiss when he leaves for work, or as big as canceling anniversary plans because he’s “swamped” with work.
The point is:
A change in behavior is one of the biggest indicators that something is up.
If he has slept with someone else, he might act cold or distant towards you because he feels guilty (and so he should!).
2) Sex isn’t what it used to be
Another major sign that your husband has slept with someone else is a change in the bedroom. Typically, if he’s guilty of cheating, he might avoid sex with you.
This could be for two reasons:
- He feels bad for what he did and doesn’t feel comfortable getting intimate
- He’s losing interest in you (hence his affair in the first place)
There’s also the possibility that he starts introducing new, funky moves in the bedroom. In some cases, cheaters have been known to show an increase in sex drive.
My advice to you is, if he’s bringing home some new moves, he must have learned them from somewhere!
3) He’s secretive with his technology
Does your husband keep his mobile phone face down on the table? Does he mute or hide notifications?
Are all his devices password protected and he’s unwilling to give you the login details?
All of these are pretty obvious signs that he doesn’t want you to find out what he’s been up to.
Now, that’s not to say you should be all up in his personal business, but most married couples have access to each other’s devices – it’s pretty useful as you share a life together and may need it for emergency situations.
So, if he’s acting shady with his technology, there’s a good chance he’s hiding something.
Even if he only slept with someone one time, he’ll want to make sure you never catch wind of it.
4) He acts defensively
Maybe you’ve already mentioned the subject of cheating to him and he reacted super defensively.
This was the biggest cue for me that my husband had slept with someone else.
Pre-affair, he’d be on the same page as me when we’d look at other couples who experienced infidelity.
But post-affair, he’d start taking the cheater’s side, even going as far as to defend their actions because “none of us know what he’s going through”.
That was a pretty big sign for me, one that started my suspicion. I could just sense his attitude towards cheating had changed, and that was very weird.
So, if your husband acts defensively whenever you question him about it, there must be a reason.
And even worse?
If he starts gaslighting you and making it seem like it’s all in your head, he’s definitely got something to hide!
5) There are physical clues
Another thing to look out for if your husband has slept with someone else is physical clues. These include:
- A change in his appearance (he might start making more of an effort to look good)
- Receipts/bank statements (a good indicator of whether lunch really was just for him or if he had company!)
- The classic lipstick stain on the shirt (or a waft of perfume you don’t recognize)
- Showering more often (especially as soon as he gets into the house)
I know you might want to brush some of these off as coincidences, especially the grooming and showering more often.
We want to believe and trust our partners. You’re hurt right now and you’d love nothing more than to be wrong about the whole thing.
But, even though these clues may seem insignificant, trust me, they all paint a bigger picture.
This picture may be painful to look at right now, but wouldn’t you rather know than live a life of ignorance with someone who has disrespected you and your marriage vows?
6) He went through a period of being “busy” at work
If your husband slept with someone else, you’ve got to think back to when he was last “busy”.
Was there a period when he was working later than usual? Or went on trips away for “business”?
Most guys don’t just bump into someone on the street and start having an affair. They usually meet through work, the gym, or mutual friends.
Work is just the easiest excuse to give you, after all, you’re not going to question him going out to make a living!
7) Your intuition is ringing alarm bells
The most telling sign your husband has slept with someone else is your own gut feeling and intuition.
You know your husband better than anyone else, and subconsciously, your body has been picking up on his energy.
I’ve always believed in trusting your intuition, so if you really can’t shake that feeling that he’s messed up, it must be for a reason.
Now, we’ve covered the major ways to know if your husband has slept with someone else, but the truth is, you’ll never really know until you ask him about it, or find concrete proof.
If all the signs are adding up and your heart is now in your stomach, I suggest going and having a very serious conversation with him.
But before you do, check out my tips on what to do next. This is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for you, so it’s best to be prepared before entering the battlefield…
The signs add up…what to do next
First of all, I want you to take a deep breath.
If he is cheating or has cheated in the past, you need to find out ASAP.
Even if it was just a one-time thing, you deserve to know.
Here’s what to do:
- Find a quiet time where you can talk to him without being interrupted, at home is probably better than in public
- Be direct and firm. If he starts squirming or getting defensive, stick to your guns and calmly explain you’re not leaving until you can both talk properly about the suspicions you have
- Provide any evidence you have if needed
If he confesses, you have two options; work it out or move on.
If you decide to work it out, I’d highly recommend using a site called Relationship Hero. You and your husband can speak 1:1 with a trained coach or psychologist, and get to the root cause of his cheating.
It’s a site I’ve personally used in the past and have always found the relationship coaches to be very experienced and knowledgeable.
The truth is, there’s no reason you can’t go on to have a very happy marriage, even after infidelity. If he is truly sorry and willing to work on his issues, there’s hope.
But if you can’t forgive him, it may be best to close the chapter on this marriage. Here’s how:
Moving on after your husband has slept with someone else
If you decide to go with the second option of moving on now that you know he’s a cheater, please know that you aren’t going to feel this way forever!
I felt absolutely miserable after my marriage broke down.
It literally felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore – everything I knew, our life together, was shattered, and for what?
An affair that didn’t even last a few months. But it was enough to ruin everything.
So, I completely understand how you feel right now.
Here’s my advice:
Give yourself a couple of days to mope. You need it and no one will judge you for taking a few days off from work to sit in bed, drink wine and cry at tv commercials.
But don’t let this go on for more than a couple of days. The sooner you get up and active, the quicker you’ll feel better.
Here are a few things that helped me:
- Spending time with loved ones. You don’t have to go on crazy nights out if you don’t feel like it, but be around people that bring you joy. Sometimes the company of your best friend over Netflix and pizza is more soothing than anything else!
- Start making a plan. If you do go through with a divorce, you’ll need to rebuild your life, but this takes time. Take it step-by-step, having a plan can stop you from becoming overwhelmed. Rely on family and friends – you’ll need them.
- Take time out to look after yourself. You’re starting a new life so make sure you look and feel your best. Eat, sleep, and drink plenty of water. Treat yourself to a new haircut or some new clothes. Exercise to boost your feel-good hormones.
- Get out into nature. Nature is a great healer, take yourself for a walk or find a nice park to sit and read a book in.
- Seek therapy if after a few months you still don’t feel like you’re improving. Going through infidelity and then divorce is a lot to cope with, but that’s what the professionals are for!
Finding out your husband has slept with someone else is devastating, but I’m proof that you can reach the other side of this nightmare and even come out stronger and better than before!
He’s the cause of your pain but you’re the one responsible for your happiness, don’t forget that!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.