Paul Brian
Is she just a fling or is she your next girlfriend?
This question can be harder to answer than many men expect.
Here’s how to make it easy.
1) She values herself…
How do you know if a girl is girlfriend material?
The first way to tell is to look at whether she values herself.
It’s very hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves, in fact trying to do it usually leads down a path to toxic codependency.
This does not mean a girl who is arrogant or stuck-up.
Real self-love isn’t about bragging or showing off: it’s a quiet sense of self-worth and confidence.
It’s a girl who won’t bend her standards just to get some attention or validation.
“This might sound odd but a girl who loves herself is a girl that is definitely girlfriend material.
“Someone who loves herself is content with who she is and she can feel that way without bringing down some other people.”
2) But she’s still humble
In addition to knowing her own worth, a girl who is girlfriend material remains humble.
I don’t mean this in the #blessed Instagram way.
I mean she’s low-key normal and doesn’t over-exaggerate her accomplishments or positive qualities.
She knows she’s a decent person and values herself, but she doesn’t have a sense of superiority and she doesn’t believe that her appearance or status gives her the right to manipulate or use people.
She’s proud of what she’s achieved in life and the person she’s becoming.
But she’s also humble and treats everyone with respect.
In short, she’s a decent person who doesn’t put on a big show. These days that’s harder to find than you might think.
3) She cares about others
On a related note, if you’re wondering how do you know if a girl is girlfriend material, look at how she treats other people.
This includes how she treats her family, friends, you, and even strangers…
Our brave new world has a high degree of selfishness, and that’s not baggage that you need to take on right now.
You want a girl by your side who actually gives a shit about other people and has a heart.
No matter how hot she is, I guarantee that an ice queen will eventually stab you in the back and leave you bleeding on the ground.
Find yourself a girl who treats you and other people right.
I’m not talking about a saint who never makes mistakes or gets angry. I’m just talking about a woman whose heart is in the right place.
4) She has a great sense of humor
Never underestimate the importance of a sense of humor that you can appreciate and share in.
If you’re with someone who genuinely makes you laugh then you are doing better than many couples out there.
A shared sense of humor is so important, and it can go a long way to creating and maintaining romantic and physical chemistry as well.
The couple who laughs together, stays together.
Sometimes it’s really that simple.
When you can share laughs through the good and bad, you don’t get tired of each other and you have the ability to lighten up each day in special and refreshing ways.
“Good looks fade, but a great sense of humor will surely stand the test of time,” writes PuaAmore.
“A great sense of humor is a breath of fresh air, and a good-natured person will surely be able to see the good in every situation.”
5) She’s loving and affectionate
It may seem obvious to say, but if you’re wondering how do you know if a girl is girlfriend material, look at how she acts.
Is she loving and affectionate or cold and detached?
It’s fine if you’re into a girl who’s serious and has firm boundaries. But don’t make the mistake of committing to someone who can’t express their emotions.
If you wanted a girl who just sits there with a thousand-yard stare smoking and nodding now and then you could find that anywhere.
What you want is a real partner who you care about and who cares about you.
It doesn’t have to be over the top with public displays of affection and hugs and kisses as soon as you get home.
But having someone to love and hold should at least be a heartwarming experience, not just going through the motions.
6) She shares your values (or at least respects them)
None of us are out here looking for our copycat who we can fall in love with.
At least I’m not.
But if you’re trying to separate the girls from girlfriends, look at her values and how she feels about your values.
I have close friends who are in relationships with someone of a different faith or spiritual mindset, but everyone I know in a fulfilling relationship shares at least some basic core values.
Their lifestyles are aligned in important ways that are meaningful and stand the test of time.
They stay together through the ups and downs partly because they have a tie that’s based on a shared way of looking at life.
You don’t need someone who’s the same as you, but you do need a girl who truly respects where you’re coming from.
7) She’s not a people pleaser
If you want a girlfriend you’re still going to love two months from now, choose someone who’s not a people pleaser.
Women who don’t stand up for themselves end up getting trapped in a victim cycle that can easily drag you down with them.
Part of respecting herself is respecting her own time and energy.
If she’s a people pleaser and only tells you and others what they want to hear that’s a very slippery slope to go down.
It’s the same reason women tend to distrust and not be attracted to always-pleasant “nice guys.”
Because it’s generally a fake people-pleasing exterior that hides a darker reality of unexpressed feelings underneath.
You’ll end up trapped and when the wrapping paper comes off you’re not going to like the monster underneath.
“Some women will tell you everything you want to hear. Avoid those women,” writes Kate at Luvze.
“They are not being upfront and honest about their feelings, thoughts, or beliefs, and down the road you are going to have to deal with the disagreements and stress of her finally opening up and being honest about what she wants.”
8) She’s supportive of your dreams
Your dreams might be crazy, but the least you can hope for is a girlfriend who supports your success and future thriving.
It’s not as common as it sounds.
Far too many partners becomes each other’s personal critics, picking each other apart like carrion birds.
What you want is someone who will stand behind you and be the wind at your back, not the gale force wind pushing you down.
The problem here is that it’s very easy to fall for a fairweather girlfriend.
A fairweather friend stands by you when times are good, and a fairweather girlfriend is exactly the same.
She’s all support when you’re hitting home runs, but once you strike out she’s gone like a flash.
So be careful.
“Just because your girlfriend supports you when you go to college, get a safe job, qualify for the highest mortgage and build a house in the suburbs doesn’t mean that she is a great girlfriend.
“Every woman can (pretend) to support you when you play it safe,” writes Global Seducer.
9) She has a good relationship with her family
You may have met the perfect girl and be feeling like your stomach is a butterfly garden.
But if she hates her family and has constant drama it’s going to be hard to make a successful go of it by her side.
I’m not saying to absolutely rule out a woman who’s got issues with her family.
It’s often not her fault.
What I am saying here is to proceed with caution.
The drama behind the scenes of every family is often much different than it’s presented on the surface.
You can never be quite sure just what you’re getting into sometimes until it’s too late.
However, you could use her relationship with her family in your favor and make her want to be with you.
10) She’s not needy
A girlfriend who wants your time, attention and love is a great thing.
But a girlfriend who needs your time, attention and love or else she’ll become a raving lunatic is not a good thing.
Not at all.
Nobody likes needy people, and there’s a reason for that.
Needy people are telling everyone else that they must save and look after them or else they won’t make it.
They’re guilting, bullying and tricking people into giving them their time and attention.
But they can never get enough.
When someone isn’t solid inside themselves and tries to fill the hole with outer validation it’s a bottomless pit.
This is not a pit you want to dump your love into, put it that way.
11) She shares her life with you
You may be dating a girl who’s attractive, funny and nice.
But if she’s got walls up around her life and never shares it with you it’s never really going to be a full relationship.
One of the most important things which makes a woman girlfriend material is that she shares her life with you.
“I recently had a conversation with one of my friends,” writes Caveman Circus.
“He told me that his girlfriend goes out every weekend with her girls and that she is more interested in traveling alone than in sharing such an experience with him.
“The uncomfortable truth was that the last thing his girlfriend wanted was to be in a relationship. She was simply not ready to be in a relationship.”
12) She’s practical and values family ties
One of the most common mistakes that men make with women is coupling up with someone who doesn’t have practical skills.
In the same way that your girl doesn’t want to get stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and you unable to help at all…
You don’t want a woman who’s distant, not practical and hates all the everyday aspects of a life together.
Eventually you’re going to be picking out doormats and frying pans.
Try to make that the least stressful experience it can be.
As Rebecca Jane Stokes puts it:
“Now, it’s cooking, kindness, good looks and general chill-ness. Luckily, I’ve been with the same people for a long time and really don’t worry about dating anymore.
“It’s pretty exhausting and I’m mostly focused on improving myself and my family lately.”
13) She’s open to getting serious
If you’re looking to get serious, don’t pair up with a young lady who’s looking to travel the world and get her kicks.
You’re going to be disappointed.
Focus your energy on someone who wants what you do.
Every relationship that’s started by one person pressuring the other to get serious ends in disaster or resentment.
You both have to want it.
So if you want to get serious and have a real girlfriend, make sure that idea doesn’t scare the shit out of her.
You have to know what she wants, too.
14) She’s not hung up on an ex
I’ve made this mistake and my advice here is: stay away at all costs.
If you try to date a girl who’s still hung up on an ex you’re going to:
- Feel like shit
- Waste your time
Just don’t do it.
If she’s still in love with an ex or torn up about it, you’re not going to be the one who changes that.
And if she uses you as an emotional or sexual comfort pillow and you fall in love with her, you’re not going to be left with an afterglow.
You’re going to be left with unrequited love.
As Dating Dynamics for Men puts it:
“You can’t compete when she already has feelings of attraction for someone else, especially if that someone else isn’t really into her.
“Don’t waste your time trying to “convince” her to let him go, she won’t. Move on, quickly!”
15) She’s trustworthy and doesn’t flirt with other guys
There are all sorts of people out there from good to bad to ugly (and I don’t mean physically).
Make sure that a girl who becomes your girlfriend isn’t a Lady Player.
If she’s flirting with other guys left and right you’re eventually going to end up very frustrated and hurt.
Unless you want an open relationship, you’d better check yourself and reassess.
A girl who flaunts her stuff all over town is at most a one-night affair, not a lifetime partner.
16) She has your heart
Do you really love her or not?
If you aren’t sure, give it time.
If you don’t, don’t waste her time and hurt her.
No woman should be your girlfriend who you don’t have feelings for.
And by the same token, she needs to realize the effect she has on you if you’re in love with her.
It’s a powerful bond!
“You’re more powerful than you think,” writes Alexander T. MacGregor.
“In that single moment when you glance in our direction, we lock eyes, and all we feel is our heart beating through your chest, you have us. And there is absolutely nothing we can do about it!”
17) She knows how to let things go
Problems are going to come up in every relationship.
The question is whether she’s the kind who can let things go or the kind who holds on and gets bitter.
The second variety of girl is not girlfriend material, she’s nightmare material.
“My friends appreciate a woman who knows how to forgive and doesn’t hold grudges,” writes Lyndsie at AllWomanTalk.
“That is, you can’t say you forgive someone and then stay angry or keep bringing up the issue.”
This is rarer than you think, so be discerning.
18) She’s the only one you want to be with
Are you in love with more than one woman?
I feel for you.
But before you decide who’s girlfriend material or not, make sure you’ve whittled it down to one girl.
It’s not fair to you or her to have a divided heart on relationship issues.
Either you want to be with her and commit or you don’t.
“At one point, dating a few people was easy for you. It may have even been exciting. But now, it’s not the same.
“You can’t imagine spending quality time with anyone other than this one person. Your daily thoughts begin and end with them.
“It may not be love, but it’s a clear sign that you want the opportunity to take things to the next level,” writes Angela McShan.
Want her to be your girlfriend?
There’s no perfect girl out there waiting for you.
That’s not how this works.
That’s why I encourage you to put aside outer judgments and factors and instead:
Reflect on how you feel around her and how you’d feel if she was out of your life.
