Some men are skilled at making you feel special, up until the point where they get what they want.
Any guy with half a brain isn’t going to make it super obvious from the start that he’s only after one thing.
That means a skilled player is going to be charming, seductive and clever in his approach.
So, how do you know if a guy only wants to get in your pants?
Here are 10 very strong signs that he wants you for your body and not a lot else.
1) He only wants to see you late at night
True story: a guy I’d recently given my number to earlier in the week messaged me at 9 pm on a Saturday evening asking if I was free that night.
Ok, this isn’t quite as obvious as a midnight booty call, but it was borderline enough to cause some concern and make me question his intentions.
Mainly because if I’d been on his mind, he’d have made the effort to arrange a date beforehand.
If this was my boyfriend, or even a guy I’d been dating for a while, a spur of the moment thing would have been ok — but this was a first date.
There is casual and then there’s waaaaay too casual.
I decided to remind him that I’m not Uber Eats and so, no, I wasn’t free (which was a total lie, but I wasn’t about to admit I had zero plans except binge watching trash TV) and if he wants to see me, I’m going to need some proper notice.
These kinds of behaviours alway offer clues as to where someone’s head is really at.
Sure, maybe he is a total night owl, but if he only tries to make plans to see you late at night — it’s not looking good.
We all know what’s more likely to go down after dark.
How do you know if a guy only wants your body?
There is almost an unofficial dating code that the earlier in the day he wants to see you, the more noble his intentions are towards you.
2) There’s little to no contact in between seeing each other
Too much texting and messaging can be annoying for any guy.
But whilst constant check in’s are a bit much, if you barely speak to him at all in between your dates, that’s a bit suss.
Maybe in the beginning, before you had sex, you did hear from him more often.
This was probably because he was still putting in the groundwork.
But after your relationship became sexual, most of this effort seems to have been unceremoniously dropped.
How to know if a guy is using you for your body over text? Well, you might notice some of these classic signs in the communication between you:
- You are pretty much always the one to message him first.
- He often takes his time getting back to you.
- He might seem to disappear for a while, but contact you at the last minute to see what you’re up to right now.
- His messages to you are usually sexual or at least very flirty in nature.
- Unless he wants something from you (aka sex) you don’t hear from him.
Of course, we’re all different and some of us will happily chat endlessly over social media and text, whilst others simply don’t want to.
I totally get that, I have very little time or patience for small talk online. I’d rather talk face to face.
But here’s the thing, when we’re really into someone, we feel excited to speak to them.
Even the most independent or busy of people, if they’re genuinely open to developing a relationship, they will want to make the effort to connect.
Particularly as this is one of the key ways that we signal to someone that we are interested in them.
So if he isn’t doing this, it seems he’s interested in your body, but perhaps not you.
3) He’s a bit (or a lot) pushy in the bedroom
Sexual exploration between two consenting adults is absolutely fine.
What is kinky for one person may be totally vanilla to someone else.
We all have our own preferences and boundaries when it comes to sex. But the more he tries to push yours, the less he respects you.
If he is suggesting swingers clubs one week in, knowing full well that ‘aint your jam, it is safe to assume he is only considering his own desires and not yours.
If he sulks, gets grumpy or even mad when you say no to the things that don’t float your boat — then you know he’s a total jerk.
You should never feel pressured to do anything that isn’t right for you.
SImilarly, if you haven’t had sex yet and he doesn’t seem to listen when you tell him you’re not ready for that yet — know that if he gave a damn about you he would have patiently heard you the first time, instead of trying to change your mind or manipulate you.
4) He only compliments the way you look
A male friend once said to me that men will call you “hot” if they only want sex and “beautiful” if they want a relationship.
I don’t personally agree with this wholly unscientific oversimplification, but I do see what he was getting at.
Because there are clues in the language a guy uses and the ways in which he compliments you.
If he only pays attention to the way you look, and never notices your many other assets — he’s showing you what is at the top of his list.
How do you know if a guy is only physically attracted to you or if it means more to him?
If you’re looking for signs he likes you for more than your body then he’ll also tell you that you’re funny, smart, super sweet — or anything related to who you really are underneath the superficialities of how you look.
If he wants to develop a deeper connection with you, he’ll be complimenting you on a wide range of things.
Sure, you do look smoking hot in that new dress, and it’s nice to hear that.
But you also want to know that he has picked up on, and it’s totally digging the fact that you’re passionate about environmental issues, a skilled cellist and have a dry wit that rivals Amy Schumer.
5) He doesn’t bother trying to hide his attraction to other people
I once had a guy I was dating ever so casually throw into conversation he doesn’t think he “believes in monogamy”.
Fair enough, I’m always open to an intellectual conversation on the merits of other relationship lifestyle choices…
…but not less than 5 minutes after we’ve just had sex and when I was under the naive impression this was maybe going somewhere.
Talk about a glaring sign that you haven’t found a keeper.
Regardless of whether you’ve had the talk about if you’re exclusive or not, if he makes little effort to shield you from his wandering eye, whatever is happening between you two has “something casual” written all over it.
It’s not that we stop finding other people attractive the moment we like someone, but we tend to keep it to ourselves — because we care about the feelings of the person we are with.
If he openly flirts with your server at the restaurant, checks out other people in the bar, or makes comments about how hot someone is — this level of thoughtlessness speaks volumes.
6) He never wants to spend the night
I’m a light sleeper and I love to sprawl in bed, so I’m not a huge fan of sharing my space. In fact, I’ve even opted for totally separate bedrooms when I’ve been living with a partner before.
But despite that, I still see the importance of what happens after you’ve had sex.
Do you lie there chatting or spooning? Or does he swiftly put his clothes back on, make his excuses and dash for the door?
Particularly in the early stages of dating, it’s not always practical to stay over at someone’s place.
We have jobs, lives and other commitments and considerations that play into it.
But if he never wants to stay over, even at weekends, it sounds a lot like a booty call and he could just be using you.
Building real intimacy involves all the things that come before and after sex, and not just the act itself.
At some stage that needs to include pillow talk and knowing what it’s like to actually wake up together.
If he’s trying to dodge this, chances are he’ll find perfectly valid sounding excuses.
But a good way to tell is by asking him before you have sex if he can stay over tonight.
At the end of the day, if he isn’t showing any interest in spending the night, it’s most likely because it’s just a physical thing for him and feelings may not be involved.
7) He’s super shallow
There’s taking pride in your appearance, and then there’s being totally in love with yourself.
If extreme vanity is a quality you notice in him, he’s more likely to think of you in that way too.
Maybe he values aesthetic qualities above all else, and you notice a habit he has for judging things in a pretty skin-deep way.
Although it’s not a dead cert, it’s also not a stretch to assume he could take a similar approach to the connections he creates.
I hate to break it to you, but if he has a superficial attitude towards everything from his phone, to his car, his clothes, and his general “status” in life — don’t expect to be treated any differently than any other of his accessories.
If he judges everything and every one based on shallow criteria, it suggests he could lack the depth of character to see beyond the pretty packaging.
Of course, not all narcissists will only want you for your body, but if you find yourself dating one, that’s likely to be the least of your problems.
8) He makes little effort to get to know the real you
A certain amount of small talk in life is often unavoidable, and that applies in the dating world too.
But if your conversations never go any deeper than pleasantries and trivialities then he isn’t making the effort to become emotionally better acquainted.
Does he show interest in getting to know what really makes you tick?
Does he ask questions that dig deeper into your background, your family, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your values?
Or does he not even remember the little things you’ve already told him — like foods you love and hate, or your favourite bands and TV shows?
Maybe his eyes even glaze over a little when you talk, he seems distracted, or constantly checks his phone when you’re speaking.
When you do chat, perhaps it’s never too long before he’s turned it into something sexual with flirtatious exchanges.
They’re all pretty clear signs that he’s not really listening or that interested in what you have to say.
A man that’s interested in more than just your body will be curious enough to try to actively get to know your mind too.
9) Every “date” is a Netflix and chill
I’ve often wondered what even constitutes a date anymore.
We seem to live in an ever increasingly casual culture and everybody’s idea of what is an appropriate date setting is different.
Although it’s obviously open to individual interpretation, here’s what I do think a date needs to involve…
Some slight form of effort.
Call me old-fashioned, but if his plans were always to sit on the sofa eating pizza and drinking beer — then it’s not much of a date if he just invited you to join.
I love a bit of a low-key evening as much as the next person (going out can be soooo overrated).
But if every single meetup is low-key, then you might safely assume that his entire attitude towards you is just a bit too low-key.
He’s just looking for the easiest way to get his needs met.
After all, why bother taking you out, when everything he wants from you happens at home anyway.
I mean, you know he definitely does leave the house, as all those Instagram snaps of him on boozy nights out with his friends proves it.
Yet from your interactions together you’d swear he was agoraphobic because up until now you’ve only ever seen him at his place.
A guy who is serious about dating you and not just looking to hook up or use you for your body will want to invest their time in you — and that means doing stuff together out in public.
10) Things aren’t progressing
Sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in limbo-land with someone who only wants us for our body, not knowing where we stand.
This usually happens because neither person has clarified what it is that they are looking for.
So you keep your mouth shut, afraid of rocking the boat and coming on “too strong”. Silently hoping things will progress to the next stage of the relationship, except they never do.
And you reach a point when you have to turn around and ask yourself “is this going anywhere?”
There are different stages of a relationship, and the beginning can feel so precarious.
We don’t know what they want from us, how much they like us, whether they are looking for a partner or just a casual hookup.
Dating can feel like a total minefield with one false step resulting in your heart being blown to smithereens.
But if you get stuck at one level and it’s not moving on, it’s unlikely that is going to change.
If it’s month in and you still aren’t meeting his friends, going out on romantic dinners, planning weekends away — you’re just having sex — it isn’t progressing past anything physical.
Bottomline: When a guy just wants you sexually
If you’ve noticed some serious warning signs he just wants to get laid, try to remember that it’s really not personal.
I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it’s not a reflection of anything lacking in you.
If a guy only wants your body, it’s everything to do with him and zero to do with your value.
You clearly have way more to offer him, the problem is that he is not emotionally available for more right now.
That’s why, if that’s not enough for you, as soon as you suspect he just wants to have fun, you should:
- Let him know what you need and want from the situation and clarify what exactly it is he is looking for.
- Be prepared to promptly walk away as soon as you feel used or underappreciated for the full package that you really are
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