I’m going to show you exactly how to keep a guy interested in your relationship.
The best part?
If you follow these tips to a tee, not only will you be happier within yourself, but your man will be totally in love with you, too.
We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s begin.
1. Love yourself
Cliché? Sure. But if you don’t do it, you can’t expect anyone else to.
We all have a need to love and be loved. Developing our capacity to love ourselves serves as a training ground for loving other people.
If you can’t love yourself, you don’t believe that you are worthy of others’ love. And if you don’t believe you’re worthy of others’ love, you’ll struggle to build a healthy, long-term relationship.
Are you perhaps now thinking that you’re still just dating, and it’s way too soon to be thinking about love?
This isn’t about being in love, it’s about laying the foundations for love a little further down the line.
It’s about making sure that you’re loveable and demonstrating to your guy that you’re worthy of his continuing interest.
Think back to your very first forays into the world of relationships as a teen. Maybe you were nervous and unsure of yourself. You were probably still figuring out your identity and your place in the world.
While some lucky people manage to successfully forge a long-lasting relationship in their early years, most of us just haven’t learned to love ourselves enough at that young age to be able to do it.
As we grow, we learn to love ourselves. Or at least, that’s the theory.
But it can be difficult to do, even for the most confident. We’re socialized to think that loving ourselves is arrogant and unappealing, but in fact, it’s the opposite. Show your man you love and care about yourself, and you’ll be giving him a road-map to loving you.
If you can love yourself successfully, you’ll survive anything, even a long distance relationship.
Loving yourself can be really hard, because, like everyone else, you’re not perfect. Acknowledge that you have faults, and that everyone does.
Work on changing these, but don’t beat yourself about them. Accept yourself and others will too.
In the end, loving yourself is as simple as loving anyone else, so ask yourself: how would you love yourself, if you were someone else?
Treat yourself with the same respect, kindness, and mindfulness that you would offer the people who matter most to you in your life.
Be kind but be stern; learn to discipline, but learn to forgive. You are your own greatest fan, your own greatest rival, and your own greatest love.
2. Make him feel like a hero
If you want to keep a guy interested, you must make your guy feel like your provider and protector, and someone you genuinely admire.
In other words, you have to make him feel like a hero (not exactly like Thor though).
I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.
Men have a thirst for your admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and service, provide and protect her. This is deeply rooted in male biology.
And the kicker?
A man won’t stay interested in a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
He wants to see himself as a provider. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
If you don’t make him feel this, he will feel like less of a man. Emasculated. And he will lose interest in you in no time.
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.
You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.
The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.
The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.
Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy.
3. Stay interesting and interested
In those early days of dating, you might have spent time trying to think up new and ever-more interesting things to do together.
When the initial few dates are over and you’re thinking it might be going somewhere, take care not to slip into doing the same-old, same-old every time you meet.
Doing the same things all the time that leads to complacency.
If you do can avoid that complacency trap, this stage is the most exciting part of getting to know someone.
The early dates are over, you’re starting to develop a real connection and be comfortable in each other’s company, but there’s still so much to learn and do together.
In other words: don’t just watch movies and eat pizza every time you see each other. Keep his interest by staying interesting.
Suggest new things to do together. Find places to go neither of you have ever been. Start getting out of your comfort zone together.
Keeping it interesting isn’t just about what you do on dates. It’s about what happens when you stay up late talking about your hopes and dreams.
What have you both always wanted to do? Look for the common ground and find the places you connect and intersect.
Talk about things you love doing, and the things he loves that you want to know more about. If you want to be charming, be interested to be interesting.
If you’ve always wanted to go skiing, and you know he’s been, ask him about that. Ask him about the things you know he’s passionate about, and wait to see his eyes light up when he tells you about them.
Give him the chance to ask you about what you love to do. There’s nothing sexier than passion.
This is a great time to start making a few plans together, however small. You’re getting past the stage of just working date-to-date. It’s time to keep things interesting by giving yourselves something to look forward to.
4. Don’t be nice and you’ll keep a guy interested
Being nice sounds like a no-brainer, right? But spend too much time trying to be nice and you risk being the opposite.
In those early days where you’re spending a lot of emotional energy getting to know someone, you can end up feeling a bit wrung out and all over the place.
You feel like you’re constantly thinking about how to react and what impression you’re giving.
You’re trying to be nice and make a good impression, but you end up putting him off because you’re overthinking everything and it shows (if you think it doesn’t, you’re wrong).
Stop doing this. By trying to be nice all the time, you’re not being yourself. No-one is constantly nice and undemanding.
Sometimes, everyone is a bit ratty after a hard day of work, or a bit upset about a family argument, or whatever. It’s OK to not be totally OK all of the time.
This doesn’t mean you should be deliberately treating him mean, either. Both being excessively nice and overly mean are game-playing.
Neither of them will help you build those all-important relationship foundations that you should be building right now.
The big problem with being nice is that it means you’re constantly trying to live up to an image of the person you think he wants you to be.
Whether or not that’s who you really are. And that is totally counter-productive, because it means you’re building those foundations on shaky ground. Stop being nice, focus on being real.
Send him a good morning message if you feel it at the time. If not, then don’t do it just to impress him.
Maybe he’s putting up a ‘nice’ front just as much as you are. Guys get nervous too and anxious to make a good impression.
If he never seems down or grumpy in the slightest, you’re not getting all of him yet. Encourage him to relax with you so you can get to know him properly.
5. Cook and eat together
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Quite possibly. It’s definitely true that eating together can be hot.
It’s also a great way to explore your likes and dislikes, to be creative and to make time to focus just on each other.
Food brings people together in all kinds of contexts – dating included.
Cooking for your man is a fantastic way to impress him. Find out what he loves to eat and make something that will really treat his taste-buds.
You’ll keep him interested not only because you’ve made him some delicious food but because you’ve shown him that you’ve taken the time to find something he’ll really love. Then, sit back and wait for him to return the favor.
Cooking together can also be a great way to get to know each other. It’s a chance for you to spend time playing around with food, your likes and dislikes and seeing how well you work together.
If you’re not wannabe chefs, going out to eat is just as much fun as cooking. At this stage of the game, it doesn’t all have to be about extravagance and impressing each other.
This is the time to take him to your favorite backstreet café or noodle bar. Take him to the places you’ve known and loved over the years. He’ll get to know more about you and you’ll both get to eat well in the process.
6. How to keep a guy happy: Laugh together
When you picture your perfect future with your man, what do you see? Chances are, laughter features pretty highly. And there’s a good reason for that.
Shared laughter is an important part of any budding relationship. It’s a vital part of creating memories, helping you create a bond that can stand the test of time.
Being able to laugh together demonstrates to your guy that you have things in common. A shared sense of humor is pretty close to the top of most people’s relationship to-do lists, after all.
Laughter helps you build your foundations. Every long-term relationship will go through hard times at some point.
If this becomes a longstanding thing, when it’s your turn to hit a tough period, you’ll have brilliant memories to look back on of the nights you stayed up until 3am laughing together.
If you find you’re not laughing enough, what can you do? Don’t panic – this doesn’t mean you’re not right for each other.
It just means that you haven’t got totally into the groove yet. If you’re not laughing much, it might be because you’re still stuck in anxious first-date mode.
Now is the time to move past that and let yourself go a little. Laughing together means you’re able to let your guard down with each other.
If you’re finding that hard to do, work on your confidence. Being confident means you don’t care that your mascara is running down your face because you’ve been laughing so hard for so long.
If you feel like you’re not laughing together much, just get out and do things together as much as possible. Overcome challenges together. Learn things together. The laughter should follow.
7. Don’t play games
You’ve probably heard, or read, a load of advice on the dating ‘game’. Advice like, don’t text back straight away, chat to other guys to make him jealous, treat him mean to keep him on his toes.
These rules are, their advocates say, designed to keep a man interested. Exactly what you want to do, right?
Yes, but you’re keeping him interested on false pretenses. If you have to resort to pretending you don’t like someone much to get them to like you, you’re building a relationship on very shaky ground.
You might get what you want right now, but you’re not going to keep getting it once the whole house of cards falls down in a few months’ time.
By playing games, you’re not showing him who you really are. You’re not giving him the best of yourself.
Imagine this: perhaps he’d fall in love with the real you if you just gave him the chance to get to know her. But if she’s hidden under all the games, maybe he’ll just not bother and move on. Gaming can be totally counter-productive.
There’s also the fact that he’ll probably know exactly what you’re doing. Most emotionally intelligent adults can guess when they’re being gamed, and most don’t like it.
You probably wouldn’t be impressed if you figured out that he was taking his dating style straight from some book or online forum, so why do it to him?
Top tip: Not playing games doesn’t mean it’s not OK to keep your distance a little. That’s just what emotionally healthy people do. This will keep your man happy.
By resisting any urges you have to jump feet first into a full-on relationship you’re giving it the best chance of success, as you’re letting the relationship take its natural course without the pressure of expectation.
8. Ask for his help
Men thrive on solving women’s problems.
If you have something you need fixed, or your computer is acting up, or if you have a problem in life and you simply need some advice, then seek your man out.
A man wants to feel essential. And he wants to be the first person you turn to when you genuinely need help.
Although asking for your man’s help may seem fairly innocuous, it actually helps to trigger something deep within him. Something that is crucial to a loving, long term relationship.
For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship with any woman. He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him, and give him this sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only give him greater satisfaction but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
Simply ask for his help once in a while. It will make him feel valued. So, next time you reach for that screwdriver, consider passing it to your man instead.
9. Be spontaneous
Spontaneity is a vital part of being able to have fun and enjoy life. Of course, making plans is fun too, but if you feel you can’t ever just decide to wake up in the morning and go and do something completely unplanned, you’re missing out.
Being spontaneous with your new man is a chance to show him what you’re made of. There’s plenty of time later for the habits and routines that inevitably develop in a long-standing partnership.
And there’s nothing wrong with habits and routines, but we all need a break from them. Routine is associated with work and obligation, spontaneity with fun and freedom. Be the person your guy associates with fun.
Being spontaneous doesn’t have to mean that you end up having wild drunken adventures every weekend (though of course, it can if that’s your bag).
It can just mean that you head out for a morning coffee and rather than just going straight home after, you hit the shops for a few hours and then take in a movie.
Or maybe it’ll mean that on Wednesday, you suggest heading away for a night at the weekend. You came up with the idea, so he gets to choose where to go.
Spontaneity means you both get to take an equal role in making plans, as you do it as you go along. Doing this can be a great bonding experience.
If you find it difficult to be spontaneous, try planning spontaneity. Sounds crazy? It doesn’t have to be.
Decide that every Saturday, you’ll meet up and just wander around the city looking for fun things to do. That’s a plan, but it’s a very loose one and will allow you to have all kinds of adventures together.
10. Take the lead sometimes
Lots of women are conditioned to think that they should fall in line and do what he wants to do most of the time.
Even women who are generally pretty strong and independent, with good careers and a great group of girlfriends behind them can end up doing this without even knowing what’s happening.
Girls are brought up to be nice to everyone and put themselves last. But actually, any guy worth his salt doesn’t want a meek and mild girl who’ll always do what he wants and never have an opinion. If that is what he wants, run a mile, he’s not a keeper.
A woman who constantly seeks reassurance makes the relationship hard work and easily puts a man off.
And some men will take you for granted if you’re too willing to do anything they ask. They’ll begin to see you as a mother or a sister, and that’s definitely not a zone you want to get into.
If you’re already a natural lead taker – and lots of women are – great. Keep doing it. If you’re not, then make a choice to be the one who makes the decisions sometimes.
You choose and book the restaurant, rather than waiting for him to suggest something. He’ll love seeing you as the confident, independent woman you are.
This isn’t just about the here-and-now, it’s that foundation-building thing again. Take your turn at taking the lead now, and then if you last the distance, you’ll naturally share the decision making when it really matters.
Things like, choosing where to live or what to call your kids, for example.
If you find it hard to take the lead, look for areas where you can do it better than him. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, right?
So, if every restaurant you go to is terrible, you start picking them. If his taste in movies is awful, you choose. Get this right now, and you’ll be laying the foundations for a proper partnership of give- and-take later on.
11. Get to know his friends
Getting to know his friends can be tough, but it’s important to do it. Your guy will want you to get on with his friends.
He’ll value their opinion on you, which makes meeting them a little scary, but if you can win them over, you’ll win lots of points with him.
And it’s not just about him sizing you up. Meeting his friends is a chance for you to find out more about your guy.
If he’s reluctant for you to meet them, maybe he’s hiding something about himself, or his lifestyle.
You can tell a lot about someone from their friends, so if all his friends live at home with their parents and spend their lives playing computer games, maybe he’s not the go-getting personality he’s made himself out to be.
Keep your first meeting casual and informal. Suggest you all head out for some drinks together for a couple of hours. That way, you can get to know each other without too much pressure – and you’ll know that if it’s really terrible, it’ll be easy enough to make your excuses and leave.
Getting to know his friends is a vital part of making your lives work together as a partnership.
If everything goes well, these people will become your friends, and your friends will become his friends.
A good first meeting with his friends can set wheels in motion for years of fun together.
Find out who is very closest friends are. These are the people whose opinion will matter the most to him.
Spend some time chatting just with them, and maybe offer to buy a round of drinks. This isn’t about being fake, but just about showing that you’re interested in them and their conversation.
12. Be seductive
This is the perfect stage for being super-seductive. At this point, your sex life should be getting pretty hot.
You’re past any initial awkwardness, you’re getting to know each other but there’s still a hell of a lot for you to explore. This is a great time to make the most of your lust.
Remember that flirting isn’t just something you do in the first couple of dates. If you want your relationship to work out long-term, keep on flirting.
Remember that all the flirting you did in those heady early dates isn’t going to be enough to carry you through forever.
Flirting in a relationship, however new, isn’t quite the same as flirting in order to try and get someone’s attention.
You’ve got their attention already – flirting at this stage is about keeping them interested and keeping your sex life hotting up.
Flirting is about being playful and confident. You don’t need to be too serious when you flirt. It’s about showing you care about them and want them to find you attractive.
It’s about communicating, building a language of love and seduction between you. It’s about having shared jokes and dirty secrets.
Don’t be afraid to go all out and dress up to the nines for a big night out, or cook a three-course candlelit dinner at home.
Don’t worry about being cheesy (unless you go totally over the top). Most guys will love the attention you’re lavishing on them and will want more, and more.
Flirting and seduction doesn’t have to be complicated. Give them a squeeze on the way past, make a filthy joke or send them a sext. As you get closer, your flirting can get braver. There’s no need to hold back at this stage.
13. Be thankful on the regular
Journalist Janice Kaplan wrote in “The Gratitude Diaries” about how she tried a yearlong experiment of being more grateful for everyone and everything in her life – including her husband.
She said that thanking her husband for even small things such as fixing a leaky faucet improved her marriage a great deal.
Why am I telling you this?
Because showing that you’re thankful and appreciative of your man is a great way to keep him interested.
Business Insider reported that psychologists have known for a while that couples who express gratitude toward each other are more likely to stay together.
The truth is this:
Men might not admit it but they do like to be appreciated.
They also want to be the hero that saves the day – but if you don’t at least acknowledge something nice that he has done he certainly won’t feel like a hero.
We can often forget to thank each other for even simple things because the routine of life gets in the way.
Whenever your man does something for you, like open the door for you, say thanks.
It’s basic manners, and it’ll make him feel appreciated, which keeps him coming back for more.
14. Be a strong woman
We know that a strong woman exudes confidence and self-respect and lights up any room she enters.
And when a woman exudes confidence, she comes across as sexy. And there is nothing sexier for a man than a woman who radiates sex appeal.
If she knows her way around the bedroom and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants under the covers, a man will find her irresistible.
She’s not selfish in the sack either; she’ll make sure that his desires and needs are fulfilled just as much as hers are.
When a man is satisfied sexually by a strong, confident woman, he’ll keep coming back for more as he will crave that feeling of being close to her.
Greater intimacy in the bedroom leads to a greater connection out of the bedroom. A couple will feel more in tune with one another and that mutual respect and trust is reinforced. As their relationship develops, she’ll always keep him on his toes, but he’ll know exactly where he stands.
Strong women may want to be in a relationship as much as anyone, but they’re fine being alone. They don’t need men in their lives.
And that makes them the sexiest women around.
Know yourself, know your partner and you’ll keep him interested
Over the course of this article, you’ve hopefully learned a few things about dating and been prompted to give your own dating past and future a bit of thought.
Dating and relationships are often hard to deal with and they take up a lot of headspaces.
It’s easy to get discouraged when things don’t go to plan early on.
But by knowing yourself and understanding how to work together with a guy to create something, you can give yourself the best possible chance of your relationship working out.
Remember to speak up in your relationship, and to talk about how you’re feeling. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so let him know when something’s bothering you.
Tell him what you need to feel better, and what you would like him to do. But speak up when you’re happy as well as sad.
Mention how much you appreciate it when he does things for you or helps you out. Be sure to reaffirm how much you love him and how much he means to you.
Where many couples fall down is they get stuck in an aggressive mentality every exchange is a zero-sum game and they feel they have to win against their partner.
The truth is that you only win together and that if you can’t learn to compromise then you both lose.
Trust is the glue that binds your relationship together. Couples who have absolute trust in each other are able to be open and vulnerable in the way necessary to maintaining a relationship.
They behave the same around their partner as they do away from them, and keep their partner in mind when weighing their actions.
Truly attached couples keep each other’s secrets and trust in the confidentiality of their shared bond.
Sometimes this may all seem very far away, but it’s achievable. Every day millions of people fall in love, get married, and spend the rest of their lives together.
All it takes is an enthusiastic and open-hearted approach to finding your guy, sincerity and faith in the man you love, and a commitment to being your authentic self.
Date with a sense of fun and fearlessness and you’ll get there in the end.
If you REALLY want to keep him interested…
Let’s face it.
If your guy is losing interest, there’s always a reason.
Maybe you treat him great. You think you’re doing everything right. And on the surface, he seems pretty happy…
But if he’s pulling away from you, then you must get inside his head and understand why.
Because if you really like him, it’s up to you to dig a bit deeper and figure out why he’s hesitant to commit.
In my experience, the missing link in any relationship is never sex, communication or a lack of romantic dates. All these things are important, but they are rarely deal breakers when it comes to the success of a relationship.
The missing link is this:
You actually have to understand what your guy is thinking at a deep level.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer’s new video will help you to really understand what makes men tick—and who they fall in love with. You can watch the video here.
James reveals a relationship “secret ingredient” few women know about which holds the key to a man’s love and devotion.
Sign up to Hack Spirit's daily emails
Learn how to reduce stress, cultivate healthy relationships, handle people you don't like and find your place in the world.