Your friends may be saying, “you’re better off without her mate”. But deep down you know you were a fool to let her go.
Because when you have loved and lost a woman, it brings a special kind of pain.
The whole genre of Country and Western music has been built on that simple fact. It feels like a part of you is missing. Life seems somehow duller and meaningless.
Now, there’s a couple of ways you can go.
- Pretend that this is exactly what you wanted all along, get back out there and find a girl who isn’t as good.
- Or you can work out exactly where things went wrong and hatch a foolproof plan to get her back.
Believe me — hatching a plan is the way to go.
However, it’s not as simple as dropping her a text and asking her around for dinner. Simply laying out the facts as to why you’re better off together won’t cut it.
If you’re wondering how to get your ex girlfriend back, these 17 tips will get her back into your life. For good.
1. Fools rush in
Before you dab on the aftershave and head around to her flat with a bunch of flowers, press the pause button.
You first need to have a long hard think about whether she is actually worth it. Do you really want her back in your life?
Often the desire to get back to the way you were is a knee jerk reaction — a response to the shock of a break-up.
Maybe you’re thinking, “I have nothing to do on a Saturday night now”. Maybe she drove you mad, but you are missing the sex. Whatever it is, do not mistake short term need as the love of a lifetime.
It’s a stone-cold fact that relationships look great from a distance. It is only when you get up close that you see the cracks.
I bet all you can remember right now are the good times – the laughing, that holiday, rolling around in bed. What you probably aren’t remembering are the rows, the sulky silences…
My point is this.
If you’re really in love with her, then go and get your ex back. If you’re bored, or horny, and want someone to pass the time with then do not waste your time chasing her.
Find someone else who is going to light up your life in a way that she probably never did.
Taking the time to really think about what you want and why you want it is really important here. There is no point chasing a girl, only to win her back and then remember why you let her go in the first place.
2. Give her space
Especially if you’ve only recently broken up, you don’t need to get back with your ex-girlfriend right away.
Take your time and give your ex some space. This can be really important.
There are a few reasons for this.
First of all, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and the things that went wrong in the relationship. To do this, it’s important to move from worrying about things to just simply reflecting on the good and the bad of the relationship.
Secondly, by giving your ex space, you’re also giving him or her time to also reflect.
It may seem like your ex is just going to move on once they have some space. This is a risk you have to be comfortable taking.
I know giving your ex space seems hard and counterintuitive, but leaving them alone is one of the best ways of actually getting them back into your life.
However, you have to do it in a very specific way. You don’t want to simply cut off all communication. You have to talk to your ex’s subconscious and make it seem like you really and truly don’t want to talk to them right now.
Try sending them this “No Communication” text
— “You’re right. It’s best that we don’t talk right now, but I would like to be friends eventually.” —
Why I like it is that you’re communicating with them that you don’t really need to talk anymore. In essence, you’re saying that you don’t really need them to play any role in your life going forward.
Why is this so good?
You induce a “fear of loss” in your ex which will trigger their attraction to you again.
I learned about this text from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men get their exes back. He goes by the moniker of “the relationship geek”, for good reason.
No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately.
Here’s a link to his free video again. If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do this.
3. Remember why you split up
I’m not asking you to dredge up painful memories. This is not a therapy group. All I am asking is that you spend a few moments remembering the path that led you here.
Some things that drive couples apart are easily fixable.
I once fell out badly with a girlfriend over whether Love Actually was rubbish or not (I was right – it is). This is the sort of row that you can get over pretty easily.
I went away, reflected on what she had said, and then lied through my teeth and told her she was right.
Some disagreements are not so easy to resolve.
If you fell out because your ex girlfriend made a pass at your brother, then that might be slightly harder to get over. If she has told you that she wants to have kids within a year and you do not, then again that can be a deal breaker in a relationship.
You need to take a long, hard look at the relationship you had. You then need to decide whether the things which forced you apart are things that you will both be able to deal with to stop them driving you apart again.
There’s no point getting back with her just for the sake of it. You need to be confident that she really is the one for you.
4. No drunken texting
We’ve all been there.
It’s 2am. The room seems to be spinning slightly and you’re wearing most of a kebab down your shirt. Then a brilliant idea strikes you…
The best thing that you could possibly do right now is find your phone and text her telling her how much you miss her. That is sure to work. Never mind the fact that she is almost certainly asleep, or that she will know instantly you’ve been drinking.
Drunk texting in the early hours is a bad idea. Always.
I get that you think that if only you could talk to her, you would soon win her round. This is unlikely to be true when you are sober at lunchtime. It’s even less likely to be true when you are drunk at 2am.
What you are actually doing is handing her all of the power. She will be in a position to reject you again.
It’s also needy. Women really don’t want a needy man. They want a man who is strong, and looks like he could confidently take charge of an emergency at 30,000 ft.
Your ex girlfriend don’t want a bloke who sends them texts in the middle of the night begging for attention.
5. Remember why she first liked you
When you have been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy to lose sight of the things that drew the two of you together in the first place.
Spend a little time thinking about this and making a list. What was it she saw in you?
It might be that you made her laugh, or that you could always cheer her up when she was down. It might be that you were a great listener, and that you made her feel heard in a way that she had never felt heard before. It could even be that she loved your arms and admired how you took care of yourself.
Having a clear idea of what she liked about you makes it easier to win her back, or to work out what went wrong between you.
Once you have your list, focus on those things. Next time you see her use this to remind her of what she fell for in the first place.
6. Want advice specific to your situation?
Relationships can be confusing and frustrating. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
I know that I was always skeptical about getting outside help until I actually tried it out.
Personally, I tried them last year while going through the mother of all crises in my own love life. They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions.
My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
7. ‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word
Sometimes when a relationship goes wrong it’s nobody’s fault.
It’s just one of those things. The relationship had a limited lifespan and all things come to an end in time. You just drifted apart or ran out of things to say to one another.
At other times it’s definitely one person’s fault.
Look back honestly on the reasons that you broke up. If it’s because she found you in bed with her best friend, then it is probably safe to say it was your fault.
It’s not always so clear cut though. Were you ignoring her? Did you forget a birthday or an anniversary?
If you know you did something wrong, now is not the time to defend yourself or try and prove it was really her fault.
Apologize. Be open and honest. Admit where you made poor decisions and tell her how you have learned from those.
Admitting when you were in the wrong is never easy, but unless you do there will be no way back. Doing this will also show her you are grown up, confident and reflective enough to learn from mistakes.
This is something that she will appreciate.
8. Let her remember the good times
The reason for not texting is not just to preserve your dignity. It’s also to give your ex the chance to look back fondly on the times that you had together.
Remember what I said up top — that when people look back on relationships, they remember the good bits and have a bad case of amnesia when it comes to the not so good?
This is what she is currently doing.
On day one she will be thinking what a pig you were. By day ten she will be fondly remembering walking through the park stepping on autumn leaves.
There’s no point talking to her when she is still stuck in her angry phase. All that will happen is you will give her more reasons to be angry. You’ll be feeding those negative feelings.
Give her a chance to move past anger and to start remembering the good times. When she does that, she will be much more open to an approach.
9. Avoid rebound sex
It’s important that you live your best life and meeting other women can be part of this.
But if you rebound from your relationship into a series of meaningless one-night stands then this might create a barrier to you getting back together further down the line.
Remember, that what you did, and who you did it with, will become conversation topics once you are a couple again.
Rebound sex might seem like an attractive idea. But if you’re just using it to mask your own feelings, boost your ego or, even even worse, to hurt her, then you should avoid it.
You don’t need to live like a monk. If you meet someone you like, and she likes you, then great.
What I am saying is, if you are really focused on getting back with your ex, then she might wonder exactly how devoted to her you really were if you slept with 10 girls when you were apart.
10. Spend time with others
I mentioned above you probably shouldn’t sleep around (with too many women at least) if you really want to get your ex back.
No matter how much you miss your ex, spending time with other women is a good idea
You don’t have to date them. Or sleep with them. You can, however, spend time with them and let your ex see that.
This might spark jealousy in your ex’s system and he or she may end up wanting your attention back for themselves.
Jealousy is powerful; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.
If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try this “Jealousy” text
— “I think it was a great idea that we decided to start dating other people. I do just want to be friends right now!” —
By saying this, you’re telling your ex that you’re actually dating other people right now… which will in turn make them jealous.
This is a good thing.
You’re communicating to your ex that you’re actually wanted by others. We’re all attracted to people wanted by others. By saying that you’re dating around already, you’re pretty much saying that “it’s your loss!”
After sending this text they’ll begin to feel attraction for you again because of the “fear of loss” I mentioned earlier.
This was another text I learned from Brad Browning, hands down my favorite “get your ex back” online coach.
Here’s a link to his free online video. He gives a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately to get your ex back.
11. Live the life you want to live
You aren’t going to get your ex girlfriend back by sitting on your sofa feeling sorry for yourself.
Women usually want a man who is whole, not broken. This isn’t always true — sometimes they like the idea of ‘fixing’ you, but in most cases, this really is not the way to go.
If you’re going to convince her to take you back, then the starting point is this: She needs to be getting a successful, confident, fully functioning boyfriend that her friends will envy.
The best way to achieve this is to focus on living your best life, not just on getting her back. Even if you do not get her back, you will actually be living your best life.
So it’s a win-win.
Go out for a drink. See your friends. Be the type of guy a girl actually wants to be with.
12. Get her to chase you
Has it crossed your mind that she’s thinking the same thoughts as you? She might be sitting at home, right now, eating a big tub of ice-cream and wondering how to get you back into her life.
If you are following the above rules, and keeping distance between you, then she will be wondering what you are up to and if you’re thinking about her.
She is probably checking out your social media as well to see what you are doing and who you are with. It could also be that your ex is pretending to be over you.
You don’t have to go over the top or post pictures of yourself with your arms wrapped around other girls. It’s more about living your life. Looking strong, confident, and happy.
If she thinks you are fine without her, then you’ll become even more attractive to her.
13. Don’t be a doormat
Yes, you want her back, but that cannot be at any cost.
If you’re too focused simply on ‘winning’, then you can lose sight of what it is you are really trying to achieve in the first place.
It’s tempting to just agree to whatever she says, whatever new rules that she lays down. You could end up sacrificing things that are important to you simply to have her back in your life.
This is a bad idea. Women do not want a doormat for a boyfriend. If you cave in to every single request, you are going to lose self-respect. And she will lose respect for you too in the long term.
If she has no respect for you, then the relationship is only going to go one way – downhill.
Respect is vital in a relationship. Don’t sacrifice yours.
14. Show her the change
It’s one thing telling her that you’ve changed, but it’s much more powerful if she can see it for herself. It is important that you have the right attitude, and behave in a way that she finds attractive.
Girls want to date guys who have got their lives together, are independent, confident, and know how to have fun.
Does that sound like you? If not, we have work to do.
Attitude is everything. If one of your failings in the past was being overly jealous, then show her that you’ve found ways to deal with that.
Jealousy is a really negative emotion. Basically, it’s just fear combined with a lack of self-confidence.
Does she really want to be with someone like that?
If you bump into her when she is out with another guy, then a smile and a firm handshake are going to work much better than a snarl. She will see you as secure in who you are and that’s exactly what she’s looking for in a boyfriend.
This is why you need to live your life like there’s nothing wrong. She is not going to want you back if you are a depressed and self-pitying wreck.
15. Don’t leverage her friends
This is about you and her.
If she’s been ignoring you, it can be tempting to try and send a message to her friends or family checking in on her. But this is a bad idea. They’re on her side, not yours.
It also sends a message of desperation. That you are pining for her. This is not an attractive quality.
All this will achieve is creating a sense of drama around the pair of you that will do you no favors in the end.
16. Aim to be her friend first
I know this is about getting her back as your girlfriend, but from little acorns, great oaks grow.
The way to get her back is to start off by reminding her of the person you are. And the person you’ll be in the future.
You cannot present this to her as “be my girlfriend or nothing”.
This means when you start texting and talking again, keep it casual and friendly. Ask her about her life — be a good listener if there are things that she wants to share.
You want her to see you as a fully rounded person who can add positivity to her life, not just a potential boyfriend. Be her friend. This will build a good foundation for anything that does develop in the future.
17. Be persistent
They say that everything good comes to those who wait, and that’s nowhere more true than with relationships.
For one thing, anything either of you has done to hurt the other will fade over time. The initial anger and hurt will give way to acceptance.
For another, no woman wants to be easily won over. She wants to see clear evidence of your commitment to her. This means that, like Napoleon’s army, you need to be prepared to dig in for a long campaign.
If you give up too easily, she’ll assume your heart wasn’t in it. She may also set a number of hoops for you to jump through.
This is all part of the process. There’s no point rolling your eyes about it. If she is secretly setting a number of tests for you to pass, then if you really want her back you’ll just need to pass them.
There’s a balance though. You need to be persistent without becoming obsessive.
You also need to keep a sense of balance. Yes, let her know that you want her, but it also needs to be obvious that you do not need her.
18. Getting back together is a start, not an end
And finally, if you do get back together, remember that it’s not game over.
As I have said throughout, your focus needs to be on the long-term, not just on winning this particular battle.
I’m assuming that you want to be with her because you think that you two are great together, and believe that you can have a long-term future together.
That’s a much bigger ambition than just getting her back into your life.
I’m sharing with you this ultimate guide on how to get your ex back.
How to get your ex-girlfriend back: Get her back or move on?
There you have it. 15 ways to get your ex-girlfriend back into your life.
If you do get back together, be open and honest with each other and put the work in that is needed to make this relationship into one that works for you both.
Carefully consider the signs that you and your ex are meant to be.
If it does not work, then the best thing to do is agree to go your separate ways. Trying to sustain a bad relationship ultimately damages both of you.
When that happens, here’s find ways to deal with someone losing feelings for you.
Remember, this is your life. You only get one of them, so if she is the one for you then start working to win her back.
What’s your plan?
Do you really want to get back with your ex-girlfriend, then you need a plan of attack that will work.
Forget the naysayers who warn you never to get back with your ex. Or those who say your only option is to move on with your life.
The simple truth is that getting back with your ex can work.
As I mentioned above, the 3 things to you need to do are:
- Work out why you broke up in the first place
- Become a better version of yourself so you don’t end up in a broken relationship again.
- Formulate a plan of attack to get them back.
If you want some help with number 3 (“the plan”), then relationship expert Brad Browning is the guy I always recommend.
Brad has one goal: to help you win back an ex.
If you’ve been broken up with, and you want to take specific steps to make your ex think “hey, that person is actually amazing, and I made a mistake”, then his advice is for you.
The crux of what he does is this: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake.”
As for points 1 and 2, then you’ll have to do some self-reflection on your own about that.
What else do you need to know?
As a certified relationship counselor, and with decades of experience working with couples to repair broken relationships, Brad knows what he’s talking about. He offers dozens of unique ideas that I’ve never come across anywhere else.
Brad claims that over 90% of all relationships can be salvaged, and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.
I’ve been in contact with too many Hack Spirit readers who are happily back with their ex to be a skeptic.
Here’s a link to Brad’s free video again. If you want an almost foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.
FREE eBook: 4 Steps to Starting Over With An Ex
Do you want to get back with your ex?
Then you need to check out our FREE eBook, The Ex Back Handbook.
We have one goal in mind with this book: to help you win back an ex (for good!).
If you want a foolproof plan to reverse your break up, you’re going to love this guide.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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