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How to get your boyfriend back…for good! 7 crucial steps to take

Are you asking yourself, “how can I get my boyfriend back?”

There are few things worse than a breakup, regardless of who initiates the “breaking up”.

And sometimes a breakup can feel like the worst decision of your life, and the only thing you want to do is fight your way back to your ex-boyfriend and get back into his loving arms.

In this article, I’ll help you figure out exactly how to do just that.

Getting your boyfriend back means understanding the way men think, truly examining your relationship, and whether you should really be trying to get it back, and following the steps necessary to win back your boyfriend’s heart.

Why Do Men Leave?

Before you can start thinking about getting your boyfriend back, you need to understand why exactly the relationship ended.

Maybe one person hurt your partner in ways you couldn’t immediately forgive, through cheating or lying.

Or maybe the two of you just drifted apart and someone eventually cut a relationship that was already halfway dead.

But in most cases where a relationship ends after a slow, frustrating, and confusing finish, there are certain underlying reasons why men leave or fall out of love in relationships.

Understanding those relationships will help you in establishing whether or not you should try to win your boyfriend back, and the best way to go about doing it.

Common Reasons Men Leave a Woman They Love

Here are some of the most common reasons why a man will leave a woman, even one he truly loves:

1. Your Goals Were Incompatible

The ideal situation: You meet your “soulmate” and the two of you fall in love immediately.

Everything seems to fit: your personalities, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and goals, and even your friends and families love each other.

The real situation: For so many couples, the relationship can be 95% perfect, but the last un-perfect 5% might be the most important 5%: your long-term goals.

No matter how much you and your partner love each other, there should always be one thing that comes before the relationship: your futures.

Maybe you and your man disagreed on important things that he just couldn’t let go.

Ask yourself:

  • Do you both want kids or don’t want kids?
  • Do you both want to live in the same place in ten years?
  • Do you both have similar career plans that won’t get in the way of the relationship?
  • Do you both have similar visions of how you want your lives to pan out?

Disagreement on any of these points can be a major dealbreaker, no matter how strong your love might be.

2) He Lost Himself With You

The ideal situation: You and your partner empower each other. You make each other better versions of yourselves; he is stronger and more complete with you around, and vice versa, to a point that neither of you can imagine being without the other ever again.

The real situation: A huge issue that many men have with relationships is losing their sense of self or identity.

Men value their alone time and their man caves, and they need space away from the relationship to be with themselves.

When they feel that their partner is taking over too much of their lives, their spaces, and their overall sense of self, they can start to feel extremely uncomfortable, and might emotionally and mentally withdraw from the relationship just to feel like they can breathe again.

Here are some signs that this might be the case:

  • You have fought about “changing or fixing” him
  • He doesn’t always want to introduce you to his hobbies or his friends
  • He has called you out for nagging him sometimes
  • He is shy to show certain parts of himself to you
  • You find it difficult to get him to open to you

It can be difficult for women to understand this, because the need to embrace the sense of self might not be so strong for the opposite gender.

But for men, finding a partner who respects whatever boundaries they have is the most important part of finding a long-term compatible partner.

Of course, that’s not to say that you’re never allowed to move into your partner’s space, but everything takes time: men need the time and space to realize that their life now has a long-term partner involved.

3) The Relationship Has Become an Emotional Burden

The ideal situation: Both partners feel equal and happy in the relationship, and there is no mental or emotional weight involved.

Both partners have their own happiness and their own lives, and together they make each other’s situations better and more alive.

The real situation: Your man feels that he needs to give too much emotionally to you or else your happiness is at stake.

Whether accurate or not, he feels that it has become his job to ensure your happiness and stability remains consistent; if he doesn’t do his job, you become negative or toxic towards him and let him feel like you’ve disappointed him.

Here are some things you may have done to make him feel this way:

  • You believe that he owed you certain things just because you’re in a relationship
  • You want him to know what you want without telling him, because you believe that a good boyfriend should be able to understand you better
  • You have emotionally punished him when he didn’t perform the way you wanted him to perform, making him beg for your love or forgiveness
  • You created an environment where he dreads you at times because he can’t predict if you are going to be difficult or easy on a certain day

We all want love, both men and women, but when the love in the relationship becomes outweighed by the responsibility to carry another person’s happiness, it slowly drains the value of the relationship until it makes more sense for the man to leave and be on their own.

4) He Didn’t Feel Respected or Heard

The ideal situation: Both partners give each other the respect and time that they deserve. They understand that they are both people with their own flaws and quirks, and they make the space and considerations to accommodate one another.

The real situation: It’s possible that your man felt like you stopped caring what he felt, which can be an incredibly frustrating experience.

You may have been with each other for a few years now, and you may have created an image of your man in your mind: his personality, his likes and dislikes, his most common reactions, and you forever treat your boyfriend as that man rather than the man that he really is.

You no longer give him the chance to grow and prove himself to be different or better, so you constantly compare a previous and lesser version of himself to other people, instead of comparing who he is today.

5) The Physical Attraction Disappeared

The ideal situation: Love is all that matters. Sure, physical attraction is important, but as long as you love one another, it shouldn’t matter if you stop looking as attractive as you once did. After all, what’s important is that you found your soulmates in one another.

The real situation: You let yourself go, or you don’t work on your physical appearance the way you used to, and your boyfriend simply wasn’t physically attracted to you anymore.

And it’s not just about being physically attractive; we are also attracted to partners who take care of themselves and respect their body and health.

Losing physical attraction in a relationship can be difficult to deal with because the love might still be there, but part of what supports the love is gone.

Signs You Should Get Back Together With Your Ex

A break up is never easy, and you might never want to get back in the relationship again.

But after some time, you might start to have doubts. You will remember the good times, the happiness, the love, and you will start to think: maybe we can try again?

And you might be right. There are plenty of long-term, permanent relationships that struggled through a break up or two along the way.

It’s all part of growing and becoming better people… as long as you don’t trap yourselves in a destructive, romantic, love-less cycle.

Here are some signs you should try to get back together with your ex:

1. Time has passed

You’ve let time pass. The pain isn’t as bad as it once was, and the wounds on both sides have started to heal. You have had time to examine the old relationship and truly see what was wrong with it on both ends.

2. You can work on the problems

The problems in your relationship weren’t huge problems. They were things that you two can fix if you try again, if both of you agree to do it.

3. You both want it to work

There needs to be effort for change on both sides. It can’t just be one person promising to be a much better person; both partners can be at fault for issues that may seem completely one-sided.

Both partners must acknowledge the need to want the relationship to work.

4. You can’t stand being without each other

You feel incomplete without one another. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how many other people you’ve dated, you both still feel like you are missing your other half.

5. Your friends support you

Sometimes we can never see just how destructive a relationship is if we’re personally involved in it.

So if your friends aren’t opposed to the idea of you getting back with your ex, then it might be a good idea.

Getting Back Your Boyfriend: Everything You Need to Know

So you’ve decided that you want to get back with your ex. If only things were that easy.

There are quite a few things you have to reconsider before proceeding with your quest to win him back.

Take a good, hard look at the mirror and evaluate the following 3 questions:

1. Are your problems fixable?

Some incompatible goals are more than just a case of misunderstanding.

If you broke up because one of you was immature or had different priorities when you were dating, there might be some chance of reconciliation down the line.

But if your incompatibility is rooted in issues surrounding kids and marriage, there’s no reason why things would be different the second time around.

2. Are you willing to compromise?

Keep in mind that your ex has already made up his decision and that getting him back won’t be as easy as apologizing.

Hear out what drove him away in the first place, and ask yourself if this is something you would be willing to work on.

3. Are you doing this to get back together or to get back at him?

Are your efforts in pursuing your ex genuine or just vindictive?

Even if you’re not actively out to get him, you may be trying to get him back just to get him to apologize or “do better” in the relationship.

If you don’t go into this accepting the fact that a relationship is 50/50, then you’re likely seeking a second chance so you can get the upper hand, which will inevitably end up right where you started.

Even if you pass this preliminary qualifier, it’s going to take some time to build up rapport, trust, and healthy expectations, especially if you didn’t end on a good note.

But if your boyfriend is really worth all the work, you’ll realize that this is just as much about you as it is about him; in the process of getting him back, you’ll realize that you’ll have to undergo some changes to become the girlfriend that he needs and develop into the kind of person that will enjoy being in a happy, stable relationship.

How to Get Your Boyfriend Back: 7 No-Nonsense Steps

1) Keep Your Mission To Yourself

Don’t call up your ex on the phone and tell him you’re planning to win him back.

It’s not that you want to be secretive; it’s that you have to maintain a certain level of discretion and privacy considering you’re no longer in a relationship.

Think of it in his shoes:

He left you for a reason and now you’re pining for him again. Any improvements you make and changes you commit to will seem like an attempt to get him back.

No matter how genuine you are in changing or how willing you are to become a better partner for him, he might see it as a manipulative attempt to lure him back instead.

The solution?

Don’t tell him that you want him back. Do what you have to do but there’s no reason to keep him in the loop.

It’s not personal either, just the simple laws of attraction: the more interested you seem, the less engaged he’ll be.

2) Avoid Initiating Contact

If you’re trying to appear nonchalant about getting him back, then avoiding initiating contact is a no-brainer.

Finding excuses to talk to him and prolonging conversations or jump-starting dead ones are clear signs that you’re still into your ex.

Avoiding first contact is about keeping him on his toes, sure, but it’s also about being independent.

If you’re constantly messaging or calling him, you’re letting him know that you’re not doing anything else with your time.

This tells him that you’re either lonely or bored – neither of which will help win him back.

Keeping yourself genuinely busy and invested in something else will allow you to grow into a better person and become someone he would want to date again.

3) Learn How To Be His Friend

Approach the relationship as if you were starting from square one.

You need to understand how to genuinely be there for him without expecting anything in return, no matter how much you miss him.

And if you didn’t end on the best of terms, chances are he’ll be reluctant to act as if nothing ever changed.

Being friendly with him and keeping things strictly platonic is a good way to kickstart your interactions.

Whenever you’re feeling the itch to tell him how you feel or act romantic, just remember that this is you trying to win him back.

Spending some time with him without any romantic motives will help you build a neutral relationship — one that’s built on friendship instead of romance.

Building a solid foundation as friends might actually help your case and allow him to see you in a different light, which could help your case in getting him back.

4) Text him – but only in this way

Okay, I’ve already told you to give him space and have limited contact with him.

However, there comes a time when you can start chatting with him again. And the best way to do this is through text.

In fact, one of the easiest ways you can win your ex boyfriend back is by simply sending him the right text messages.

Yes, it’s entirely possible to effectively “text your ex back”. Even if you thought that it was impossible to ever rekindle any sort of romance with him.

There’s literally dozens of text messages you can send your guy that will compel him to keep texting you. And ultimately lead you guys back together.

But you need to have a plan of attack and send these messages right when he’s most likely to take them seriously. Only then do you induce a “fear of loss” within him.

Pro tip:

Try this “Jealousy” text.

— “I think it was a great idea that we decided to start dating other people. I do just want to be friends right now!” —

By saying this, you’re telling him that you’re actually dating other people right now… which will in turn make him jealous.

This is a good thing.

You’re communicating to him that you’re actually wanted by other guys. Men are attracted to women that are wanted by other guys. By saying that you’re dating around already, you’re pretty much saying that “it’s your loss, mister!”

After sending this text he’ll begin to feel attraction for you again, and that “fear of loss” will be triggered.

I learned about this text from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of women get their ex back. He goes by the moniker of “the relationship geek”, for good reason.

In this free video, he’ll show you exactly what you can do to make your ex boyfriend want you again.

No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately.

Here’s a link to his free video again. If you really want your ex boyfriend back, this video will be incredibly helpful.

5) Become A Positive Influence In His Life

Regardless of how clean the break up was, your now-ex boyfriend is likely associating you with negative emotions.

By focusing on building your friendship and just providing him with company, he’ll start associating you with more positive experiences.

That’s not to say that you have to be a yes-woman. Becoming a positive influence in his life means staying respectful of his boundaries and supportive of his interests and his career.

He needs to know that you’re willing to move past the fights and arguments you had when you were together.

When he thinks about you, he should be looking forward to spending time with you instead of dreading some looming argument or fight.

6) Go On A Date With Someone Else

This may seem counterintuitive, but there are two purposes to going on a date with someone else:

Firstly, by being with someone else, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to see if it’s your ex who you really want or if you’re happy just filling up space with someone else.

Going on a date with another person helps you understand what you want from the relationship and why you want one in the first place.

Secondly, going on a date lets him know that you’re capable of finding another partner.

Now, there’s a thin line between showing him you’re able to be with someone new and making him jealous.

The point of dating someone else is not to make him jealous, but to make it clear that he isn’t the only guy you’re willing to let into your life.

When he realizes that being in a relationship with him is a choice that you willingly make, he’ll appreciate what he has if you ever get back together.

7) Look For The Signs

Let’s say you followed steps one through five, now what?

Start looking for the signs that he actually wants you back.

If he breaks the no contact rule and initiates a conversation with you (or better yet: asks you to hang out), don’t take it as a tell-tale sign that he wants to get back together.

In different circumstances, these would be pretty clear signs that he wants you back.

However, it’s better to hear out what he has to say than jump straight into a conclusion. You’ll never know if he’s just preparing to call it quits and give yourselves closure.

Keep an eye out for other signs but don’t read too much into things.

If he enjoys spending time with you, it might be that he missed hanging out with his friend and is starting to enjoy your company.

But when he starts showing up unannounced more often, reminiscing about the past with you, or just flirting, then it’s a clear sign he wants you back.

Ask him out on a date but don’t commit to each other just yet. Spend the date talking about your incompatibilities and figure out whether you can fix them or not.

If, by the end of the date, you agree to make some compromise and decide to move forward, then congratulations, you’ve won your ex boyfriend back!

Got Your Boyfriend Back? Great! Make Round 2 Better: 8 Ways to Be a Better Partner

Now that you have your boyfriend back, the real work begins.

Relationships are an ever-evolving agreement between two people and if you want to make sure this works better the second time around, you have to be willing to be the partner he needs:

1. Listen to him more.

Really pay attention to what he’s saying this time. Guys aren’t infallible; they feel things too. Just because he’s not showing it doesn’t mean he’s not hurt.

2. Communicate clearly.

Your boyfriend is not a mind reader. Say what’s on your mind and ask for what you want.

3. Keep things respectful.

Just because you disagree on something doesn’t mean it has to turn into a fight.

4. Walk in his shoes.

Before doing or saying something, consider what he’ll feel first.

5. Don’t forget to ask him.

Men have a hard time expressing what they really feel. If your boyfriend is not the type of guy to volunteer information, help him out by asking what he feels.

6. Say thank you.

Show him your appreciation in small and big ways. A simple peck on the cheek or an actual “thank you” can make him feel that much more valued and appreciated.

7. Listen to his advice.

Your partner is there to be your knight-in-shining-armor. Let’s face it: men get frustrated when we don’t listen to their solutions to our problems.

Listen to his advice from time to time, or at the very least, consider it before moving on with other options.

8. Give him the space he needs.

This time around, give him the space to grow into the man he wants to become.

This means giving him the time to spend alone however he wants without making him feel bad for wanting to recharge in solitude.

Over time, this will make him a better version, and an even better partner.

I have a question for you…

Do you really want to get back with your ex?

If you answered ‘yes’, then you need a plan of attack to get him back.

Forget the naysayers who warn you never to get back with your ex. Or those who say your only option is to move on with your life. If you still love your ex, then getting back with him may be the best way forward.

The simple truth is that getting back with your ex can work.

There are 3 things to you need to do now that you’re broken up:

  1. Work out why you broke up in the first place
  2. Become a better version of yourself so you don’t end up in a broken relationship again
  3. Formulate a plan of attack to get him back.

If you want some help with number 3 (“the plan”), then Brad Browning’s The Ex Factor is the guide I always recommend. I’ve read the book cover to cover and I believe it’s the most effective guide to getting your ex back currently available.

If you want to learn more about his program, check out this free video by Brad Browning.

Getting your ex to say, “I made a huge mistake”

The Ex Factor isn’t for everyone.

In fact, it’s for a very specific person: a woman who has experienced a breakup and legitimately believes the breakup was a mistake.

This is a book that details a series of psychological, flirting, and (some would say) sneaky steps that a woman can take in order to win back their ex.

The Ex Factor has one goal: to help you win back an ex.

If you’ve been broken up with, and you want to take specific steps to make your ex think “hey, that person is actually amazing, and I made a mistake”, then this is the book for you.

That is the crux of this program: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake.”

As for numbers 1 and 2, then you’ll have to do some self-reflection on your own about that.

What else do you need to know?

Brad’s Browning’s program is easily the most comprehensive and effective guide to getting your ex back you’ll find online.

As a certified relationship counselor, and with decades of experience working with couples to repair broken relationships, Brad knows what he’s talking about. He offers dozens of unique ideas that I’ve never read anywhere else.

Brad claims that over 90% of all relationships can be salvaged, and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.

I’ve been in contact with too many Hack Spirit readers who are happily back with their ex to be a skeptic.

Here’s a link to Brad’s free video again. If you want a foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.
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