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How to get him back: 10 no bullsh*t steps

The end of any relationship is difficult. Two people who shared so much together now have to part ways and figure out how to carry on without the other.

The good news is that you weren’t born with this person on your hip, which means you can go back to living without them.

Sometimes, though, you don’t want to. Sometimes, the relationship is rocky and needs work, but is worth saving.

If he’s made up his mind and moved on, it can be hard to see how you can get him back, but trust us, it happens all the time.

Couples fall apart and come back together every single day. It just takes work.

If you are willing to do the work, you can have your relationship back, stronger than ever, and be happy together, where once there was no happiness.

Here’s how to win him back and move forward together.

1. Time is your friend.

The first thing you need to do after you breakup with him is to cut off all ties to him.

This sounds extreme but the truth is that if you want him to think about you, you need to make sure he has no access to you.

Blocking him on social media, ignoring his phone calls, and avoiding the places you know he goes are all ways to get him thinking about you on the regular, even though he can’t see you.

While you might be inclined to start living your best life out online so he can see you and be thinking about you, the truth is that absence makes the heart grow fonder so if he can’t get access to you, he’ll be looking for you.

Before you jump into anything new or even try to get him back, remember to take some time to grieve and make meaning of the situation for yourself.

Decide what you want. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of a breakup, but you don’t have to make any decisions right now.

Allow time to do what it does best: heals all wounds. In order to get him back, you need to be healed from the breakup and ready to start into a new direction of this relationship.

If you are expecting to just pick up where you left off, you’ll be disappointed. Time changes people.

And the truth is that there’s no rules on how long it might take you to get him back. You need to heal yourself before working to bring him back.

2. Get control of the situation.

The next thing you need to do is get very clear on what you need from him and keep that handy for when he comes crawling back to you.

You don’t want to seem desperate when you finally pick up the phone, so you need to get a grip on your thoughts and feelings.

Make sure you don’t see him before you can control your outbursts of crying or sobbing.

And it’s okay to cry and sob, but not in front of him while you are trying to get him to see the error of his ways.

It’s best to let him think you aren’t fazed by any of this. It’ll drive him crazy.

3. Don’t beg.

During the time you are taking for yourself, be sure you don’t seek him out and beg for him to come back. Sounds silly, but people do it.

Don’t be so needy that you can’t do anything without him. That might have been part of the reason he left in the first place.

Giving yourself (and him) some space means that you don’t throw yourself at him. It’s just bad for everyone and you’ll regret it later if he only comes back because you wouldn’t stop asking him to.

That’s not how you get him to realize he needs to come back, which is what you want. You don’t have to ask for anything. He’ll come around to the idea on his own.

4. Don’t bother with him.

How do you get him to come around to the idea on his own? You don’t bother with him.

Cut off his contact with you on social media, email, text and don’t answer his phone calls. It sounds extreme, and it is.

You need him to be forced to think about you without seeing you or hearing from you. That’s the best kind of thinking.

This means he is wondering about you and wanting to know what is going on with you.

If he can’t see you, he’ll want to, especially if he had it in his head that you were going to come knocking after him.

5. Don’t act desperate.

If you do happen to run into him when you are out living your best life, don’t act like you care. Don’t act desperate.

Don’t ask him questions and keep it short. Say hello, don’t break into song about how you broke up, and move on.

Then get out of there as fast as possible. He doesn’t need to see you, especially after you run into him unexpectedly.

Make him want more. If he’s with friends, talk to his friends. Don’t give him the time of day. He’ll get plenty of your time when he comes back.

6. Ease back into it.

After a while, when you feel strong enough to handle yourself in his presence and you have decided that you do, in fact, want him back, start slow.

There’s no need to jump back into what once was, mostly because it’ll never be that way again. That relationship has passed.

You are not just continuing on with your relationship, you are starting a new one. You are different people now and need to relearn to be together.

If you decide that you want him back, ask him to go out for a drink or dinner. Don’t just have him move back in.

Some professional counseling might be helpful in these situations if you have a lot of unresolved issues between you or if trust is a concern.

7. Work on yourself.

While you keep him at bay and get a grip on your emotions, be sure to take care of yourself and figure out your next moves.

This could go on for a while, so there’s no need to let all that time go to waste wallowing over a guy.

Get out and have fun, hang out with friends, clean your apartment, take a road trip, buy yourself something nice.

Do things that make you feel good. Get back into projects you were putting off. Throw yourself into your work.

Whatever you do, don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

Even if you ruined the relationship, acting like you didn’t will help you get to the next phase and over the heartache sooner.

8. Make a plan for the future together.

If he comes back, don’t just let things slide. The point of breaking up is to shake things up and make you both realize that you want more.

So be more for each other. Talk about what this new version of your relationship looks like. Don’t settle. That’s important for both of you.

Don’t just come back together because you worry that there isn’t someone else out there for you.

If you want this relationship to work, you need to make a plan for the future together and you both have to be invested in making it work.

That’s not easy for some people and even if he comes back initially, it might not last.

Consider how serious you are about this relationship and what kind of work you are both willing to invest.

If it looks like you both want the same things, go for it. If not, at least you’ll know you can move on without regret.

9. Check all the boxes.

While you are working on yourself and your life, you’ll have lots of opportunities to pick up the phone and call him, but before you do that, and before you answer his calls, there are a few more things you should be mindful of in order to successfully get him to come back.

Make sure you haven’t talked to him in a full month.

Make sure you’ve gone on at least one date – even if it’s not really something you want to do, do it anyway.

Make sure you’ve put energy into improving yourself and figuring out your own life without him.

Make sure you believe you’ll be okay even if he doesn’t come back. Make sure you are feeling good about yourself.

When you can say that you’ve done all these things, you are ready to start taking his phone calls or answering his text messages.

By this time, you’ll be so far removed from him that you might not even want to get back together. Which brings us to the next point.

10. Decide if you want him back.

You might think he’s holding all the cards, but the truth is that you get to decide what happens in your life. You don’t need to wait on this guy to make a move.

If you want him back, go get him. If not, let him down gently when he comes crawling back.

After a few weeks apart and no contact, he’s going to have lots to talk about, but you don’t have to hear any of it.

You get to decide. If you want him back, great, move forward together and live happily ever after. If you aren’t sure now, take the time you need to decide.

He doesn’t get to decide for you. You might be enjoying this new free lifestyle more than you thought you would.

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Lachlan Brown

Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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