When it comes to attracting a guy you like, I’m sure you’ve heard enough advice like “dress sexy” or “do your hair” for one lifetime.
But if you’re looking for some practical strategies that actually work, then you’ll love this post.
It’s an actionable 11 point cheat-sheet you can use to get any guy to like you and chase you.
1) How to get a guy to chase you: Flirt…the right way
Sounds obvious, right? Some people are natural flirts who always seem to find it easy to make that instant connection with anyone, anywhere.
But most of us don’t always find it easy to flirt.
Have you ever been on a date, assuming that if the chemistry’s there for you, the flirting will come easily? And then you try and flirt and it just doesn’t work out?
You’re not alone, and the good news is that flirting is a skill that you can practice and get good at, just like anything else.
Nerves can make flirting difficult. And those nerves are more likely to kick in when you really like someone.
The killer here is that lack of flirting can come across as bad vibes. Your guy might be expecting a little playful flirting and when it doesn’t happen, he just assumes you’re not interested.
Don’t fall into the trap of expecting the man to do most of the flirting. Most guys love it when a girl gives as good as he does.
Think of flirting is a process of communication. It’s an opportunity for you to show him a little of who you are and open up your personality up to him in a way you don’t to other people.
By flirting, you’re giving him your full attention (and that’s hot).
Here are some tips for flirting:
1) Draw attention to your lips. Yep, this does actually work. Keep chapstick or lipgloss in your bag and get pouty.
2) If you’re in a group of people, say hi while looking at everyone but him. He’ll feel left out. Then include him in the conversation slightly later and it’ll make his day.
3) Do the bump-and-flatter. “Accidentally” run into him in a crowd or at a party and laugh and say: “Oh, sorry – I become a total klutz around cute people”. They’ll be immediately flattered and will want to get to know you.
4) Get eye contact with your crush. Instead of looking away like most people usually, look at him directly, smile and wink. It will show you’re incredibly confident and if he has any balls, he’ll then come talk to you.
5) Check out their clothes. Make a comment about them. This doesn’t usually happen to guys so you’ll appear interested and a conversation should ensue.
6) Playfully hit him. This should help him understand that you like him, and it’s fun!
7) Compare your hand sizes. “Wow, your hands are so much bigger than mine”.
8) Cold and hug. If it’s cold, ask for a cuddle to keep warm.
9) Use back-handed compliments.
For example, you could say, “Your nose is so cute. It wiggles when you laugh.” Or “You’re smile is cute. It’s a little crooked, I love it!”.
These aren’t insults, but they’re simply things that other females who are interested in him won’t say.
It’s like you’re negating your own interest, and making him wonder whether you like him or not. It’s a great, fun way to play “hard to get”.
Don’t use these too often, just occasionally. Remember, giving flat out compliments can make you appear a bit easy, and usually guys love a chase. But these “compliments” are different and will spark the “chase” in him.
If you’re finding flirting hard, try treating it like a joke or a game. Stop worrying about the outcome or whether you’ll get anything back.
It can be easier to make your flirting really obvious, rather than worrying about whether you’re being subtle.
So, if he offers you a drink, say something like “are you trying to take advantage of me?” in a laughing, jokey way.
He’ll get the message you’re interested and you’ll have given him the opportunity to say something flirty back. If he doesn’t, you can move on without being embarrassed, because it’s all just been a joke, right?
2) Tap into his primal instincts
If you want to get a guy to like you, then you need to trigger something deep inside him. Something he desperately needs.
What is it?
For a guy to really like you, he has to feel like your provider and protector. Someone that you genuinely admire.
In other words, he needs to feel like your hero.
I know it sounds kind of silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.
Men have a thirst for your admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and provide for and protect her.
This is deeply rooted in male biology.
If you can make your guy feel like a hero, it unleashes his protective instincts and the most noble aspect of his masculinity. Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of love and attraction.
And the kicker?
A man won’t fall for a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
When it comes to a relationship, he needs to see himself as your protector. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the ‘hero instinct’. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.
You don’t need to engineer a scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car.
He wants to be your hero, not an action hero.
But there are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.
And because no man can resist a woman who makes him feel like a hero, it’s worth learning a few of these emotional trigger points.
If you want to learn more about this powerful technique (from the man who invented it), then check out his short video here.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, you’ll see the results immediately.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed relationship with you.
The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.
Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.
Talking with Pearl about her experience is how I was introduced to the concept myself. Since then, I’ve written about it extensively on Hack Spirit.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I think this is one of them.
That’s why I recommend watching this free online video where you can learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your guy.
3) Be yourself to get a guy to like YOU
There is no point in trying to catch your man by pretending to be someone you’re not.
Sure, you might get that date and, if you’re willing to keep up the pretense, even a relationship.
But acting like someone you’re not isn’t easy, and it’s also a complete waste of time. If the guy you want doesn’t want to date you as you actually are, you’re setting yourself and them up for disappointment.
It’s also pretty likely that your guy will start to notice that maybe you’re not being yourself.
When you’re constantly pretending, you tend not to be particularly relaxed, even if you think you are, and that shows.
Nervousness can be cute for a while, but it’s not sexy. You want to be giving off those super-hot, strong-woman vibes. If you’re trying to be someone else, that won’t be happening.
But while it’s easy to say that you want to be yourself, doing it can be hard. Think about the way young kids are – or try to remember what it was like to be one yourself.
Small kids haven’t been around long enough to try and spend all their time people-pleasing or living up to some pre-conceived idea of who they should be.
The attitude of the average three-year-old is ‘take me as I am’.
Try and channel your inner child. That doesn’t mean you should be selfish or lack self-awareness. It just means you should try and get back to the essence of who you actually are.
Take a pen and paper and, without giving yourself time to think about it, write down words that you think describe your innate good qualities. Maybe you’re creative? Daring? Funny? Easygoing? Ambitious? What are the good things that make you who you are?
When you know yourself and you know how to bring out your best qualities, many guys will want to chase you.
(To learn how to discover the real you, check out our guide to being your true self here)
4) Be confident
If you’re making the effort to be yourself, the confidence should start flowing. That feeling of being who you really are is pretty empowering.
But it doesn’t hurt to take steps to help your confidence levels along. There’s nothing more attractive than someone who is confident in their own skin.
People know that someone who’s confident will make a great date and potential partner. Think of the people you find the most attractive – aren’t they people who seem confident and happy?
But not everyone finds being confident easy. In fact, most of us find it difficult at times. Even the people who seem confident on the outside often aren’t, they’ve just learned to appear that way.
And by appearing confident, they become confident. Ever heard the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’?
Don’t be intimidated by someone else’s confidence. Don’t compare yourself to them. Doing that will only bash your own confidence levels.
Instead, keep reminding yourself that confidence is a choice that you can make, and that the more confident you are, the hotter you’ll be.
The hotter you’ll be, the more guys will want to chase you.
There are things you can do to trick yourself into confidence. Try:
• Standing or sitting up straight and tall, no slouching.
• Avoiding fidgeting. It makes it look as if you’re nervous or have something to hide. • Making eye contact. This has the added bonus of being a vital way to try and gain someone’s attention.
• Approaching your man. You don’t have to wait for him to come and talk to you. Confident men – the ones you should be interested in – love confident girls who aren’t afraid to make the first move.
• Talking about the things you love doing. If you’re good at something, you’re probably good at telling people about it. That demonstrates confidence and gives you a fantastic conversation starter too.
[Confidence is the key attribute of strong women. Discover why men love strong women, and how you can become a strong woman that men can’t get enough of, in our latest eBook].
5) Hang out in the places they are
It’s an obvious one, but you’re not going to bag the man of your dreams if you’re not where they are.
But this doesn’t mean that you should pretend you’re into things that you’re not, just to get your guy.
Focus first on your own interests. What do you love doing? If you can meet the right guy doing something you both love, your shared interest will give you a great foundation for a relationship.
Some of your interests might seem solitary, but there’s often a way to make even solo interests social activities. So, if you run, join a running club.
Or perhaps you have some interests that are pretty social, but generally, involve going out with your existing friends.
That’s always fun, but it’s often hard to meet a guy when you’re busy with your friends. Try and expand your social circle beyond the people you usually go out with. Maybe there’s a Meetup group or similar that you could join.
Think about what’s important to you in a man. If you know that you really want to be with someone who loves outdoor activities, find groups going hiking or rock climbing. If you love good food and wine, look for wine tastings and gourmet food events.
If there’s someone you’ve set your sights on already, and you’re not sure if you have any shared interests, look for the common ground between you. It might not always be obvious what that is.
You should never pretend you like doing something just because they do, but it doesn’t hurt to stretch yourself a little either.
For example, if you know that they’re into kayaking, and you’ve never done it but you’ve always thought it would be fun to try, maybe now’s the time to give it a go.
And if you can’t find any common ground at all, think hard about whether they’re really the right one for you.
6) Don’t think too much about the next stage
When you’re trying to set up those early dates with someone new, it can be hard not to get carried away with yourself.
It’s natural to want to daydream about future dates and plans, and there’s nothing wrong with a little dreaming. We all do it.
But getting too carried away with the future can kill any potential relationship stone dead.
Living in the future means you’re not enjoying the present. If you’re out to dinner and all you’re thinking about is what you’ll do for your next date, you’re not focusing on what’s actually happening.
That can lead to you seem distracted or uninterested (when it’s actually the opposite), and put your date off coming back for more.
It can also mean you give off vibes of being a little too heavy, even if you don’t mention the future at all.
It can seem like you’re making an assumption about what will happen next, and that’s off-putting for a lot of people.
Put yourself in their shoes: do you want a date that’ll assume he’s getting the next date? Or do you want them to just enjoy what’s happening, there and then, and worry about the next date, next?
In the early stages of dating, before you make any kind of commitment, most people want to feel like they can walk away without any drama if it turns out it’s not for them.
The early dating phase is your opportunity to size him up, so use it.
If you’ve already created a fantasy in your head, you might find it’s hard to see past that fantasy and read the signs that this isn’t the guy for you.
If you feel like you’re having doubts, don’t ignore them, but don’t act on them yet. Keep them at the back of your head, enjoy the moment and let it all unfold naturally.
If the doubts are still there after a few more dates, reassess.
7) Make him feel essential
For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
This is because men have a built in desire for something “greater” that goes beyond love or sex. It’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else — or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship with any woman. He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only give him greater satisfaction but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
Men thrive on solving women’s problems.
So, if you need something fixed, or your computer is acting up, or if you have a problem in life and you simply need some advice, then seek your man out.
A man wants to feel essential. And he wants to be the first person you turn to when you genuinely need help.
Although asking for your man’s help may seem fairly innocuous, it actually helps to trigger something deep within him. Something that is crucial to a loving, long term relationship.
8) Feel and look good
There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who looks good, feels good and knows it. It’s sexy as hell.
And when you feel good about yourself, you naturally project that feeling outwards. Others pick up on it and their interest, and desire, is stoked.
What does it take for you to feel good about yourself? Only you know that. You’ve probably read loads of tips telling you to buy some sexy new lingerie, get a new haircut or try a higher heel.
All these things can help, sure, but only if they’re things that mean something to you. If you’re just not a lacy lingerie and high-heels kind of girl, they’re not going to work for you.
They’ll just make you feel out of sorts and uncomfortable.
Think broader. Feeling amazing is not about other people’s expectations, it’s about you.
Maybe your route to feeling sexy is going for a run or spending time reading or listening to amazing music.
Maybe it’s beating your targets at work or going out for cocktails with the girls. It’s whatever it takes to feel you’re living life to the full.
The key thing here is that looking good and feeling sexy is about way more than just the clothes you wear or how you style your hair.
These things are great things to do, but unless they’re important to you, they won’t demonstrate that inner sexiness that men find really attractive.
By looking good on the outside, you’re showing your guy that you’re great to look at, but that’s all you’re really showing.
Find a way (your way) to let that inner, confident sexiness shine out, and you’re showing him that you’re going to be fantastic in bed, able to match him as an equal.
9) Be open to dating in various forms
Dating doesn’t all have to be about dinners out and cocktail bars. Those things are fun, sure, and probably near the top of most people’s dating to-do lists.
But they can also feel like a little bit of a performance, and it’s hard sometimes to really let yourself shine out on those kinds of dates, or to get a good idea of what your date is like.
There’s a lot of pressure to look perfect and be perfect, which means you’re not really being yourself. And, as you’re fabulous, you want them to know that, right?
Treat dating as an adventure, rather than a performance. Think of it as a chance to do things together, rather than just showing him what you’ve got.
First dates are often best as low-pressure drinks in a bar, somewhere you can relax and leave easily if it doesn’t go to plan.
If you’re relaxed, he will be too and the chances are, your ‘one drink’ will turn into a multi-bar crawl and a fantastic night.
After that, well, going for dinner is great. But think too about the other things you can do. What about going ice-skating, or taking a walk that ends in a lazy lunch, or doing an art class together?
Look for mutual interests and then find the dates that will suit you both. Doing things together (other than just drinking and eating!) gives you the chance to show off your passions.
It is a fantastic opportunity for all that inner confidence and sexiness to shine out.
Dating could be a great opportunity to try your hand at something totally new to both of you. Why not both put a few ideas in a hat, things you’ve always wanted to try, and pick out a couple at random. It’ll be a real adventure!
10) Don’t stop seeing other people
In the early stages of dating it’s all too easy to forget that the person you’re into right now might not be the person you want in a month’s time.
That’s just the nature of a crush. You like them, you want to spend time with them, and your brain just seems to naturally filter out everyone else.
It’s a mistake to let this happen too quickly. Because however right the guy in front of you now might turn out to be, you’re moving too fast if you start thinking of him as a certain bet too early.
If things work out, you’ve got the rest of your life to commit. This time, right now, is the time to allow yourself to dream and experiment.
It’s time to remind yourself that you might be wrong about the amazing guy you’re dating.
Tomorrow might be the day they tell you they still live with their parents aged 30 and have no plans to move out.
And you’ll be kicking yourself for turning down that date with the fun, interesting guy with a great apartment your friend introduced you to last week.
There’s also the fact that if your guy knows, or suspects, that you’re still seeing others, he’ll have to focus his mind on whether he really wants you or not.
If he runs just because there might be a little competition, maybe he just wasn’t that into you at all and you’ve had a lucky escape.
You never know what’s going to happen next in the early stages of dating. Keep reminding yourself of that and stop looking for certainty.
The beauty of this stage is the uncertainty. Embrace it.
11) Show your appreciation
As women, we often tend to fixate on getting compliments and appreciation from our date, and that can mean that we forget that maybe they’d like a bit of appreciation too.
We tend to be programmed to think that we should spend our time getting them to notice us, rather than the other way around.
It’s easy to buy into the myth that all men are cocky and over-confident, and don’t need our help to feel more confident.
But actually, while a self-assured guy is always a good thing, it’s great if they have a softer side too.
Someone who’s in touch with their emotions and able to connect with another person will also be someone who appreciates a compliment, or a thoughtful gift, or an offer to pay for dinner.
Showing your appreciation doesn’t have to be all about grand gestures (though they’re often pretty fun).
Little things like getting his favorite foods in when he comes over can make all the difference in the early days.
Small acts of kindness demonstrate that you’re thinking about his needs and that you’re the kind of person who’ll probably keep doing that if you move on to a full-on relationship.
Just treat him as you would like to be treated and you can’t go far wrong.
Plan a surprise date. Let him think you’re just going to the local bar, but having something much more impressive lined up.
Really use your creativity to think up somewhere amazing to go that you know he’ll really love.
He’ll be wowed by you taking the time and effort to find something special to do. Hopefully, he’ll return the favor sometime too.
Bonus tip: Don’t talk about your ex
Pretty obvious, right? But it’s surprisingly easy to slip into talking about your ex without meaning to.
Not many people plan to talk about their ex when they’re on a date, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. When you’re on a date, thinking about the possible future you might have together, it’s natural to let your mind wander to your last relationship.
You’re probably thinking about how this guy is different and how, if things work out, you’re not going to make the mistakes you made last time.
Thinking can slip into mentioning, and before you know it, you’re giving your date a full account of the ups and downs of your last relationship.
Don’t do it. No-one likes to feel that they’re being compared to someone else. This is especially true if your last relationship was pretty recent. If your guy knows this, he’s probably extra-aware of any ex-talk.
It doesn’t matter if you’re comparing the new guy favorably, saying things like “you’re so much better than him”. You’re still talking about someone else when you should be keeping your focus on the guy in front of you.
Ex-talk can also make it seem like you’re jumping ahead a little too fast. It can sound as if you think you’re already in a solid relationship (even if that’s not what you think at all).
If you find yourself talking about your ex on a date, or wanting to, maybe you’re not as over him as you thought you were. If this is the case, you’re going to find it hard to look forward and create a new relationship.
Get over your ex by writing down all the things that weren’t right. Be totally honest with yourself. If it didn’t work out, there was a reason for that (maybe lots of reasons). Identify those reasons so you can let go of them.
The women men really fall for…
Common wisdom says that men only fall for exceptional women.
It could be that she has a killer body, the best smile out of all her friends, or maybe she’s a firecracker in bed. Whatever it is, you may feel that she simply has something you don’t have (and perhaps never will).
As a man I can tell you that this way of thinking is dead wrong.
None of those things actually matter when it comes to men falling for a woman. In fact, it’s not the attributes of the woman that matter at all.
What matters most is NOT what he sees when he looks at her… But how he feels about himself when he’s around her.
The truth is this:
Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.
Make him feel this one thing
I’ve recently been introduced to a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that explains so much about men: the hero instinct.
The hero instinct is the basic biological urge men have to provide for and protect women.
Simply put, men want to be your hero. Not necessarily an action hero like Thor, but he does want to step up to the plate for the woman in his life. And to be appreciated for his efforts.
For many women, learning about the hero instinct was their “aha moment”. It was for Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer’s new video will help you to really understand these natural biological instincts. He reveals what makes men tick, who they fall in love with—and how with a few simple tricks you can be that women.
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