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How to get a guy to ask you out (9 effective tips)

You’ve found the guy you really want to date. You’ve seen him around, maybe chatted to him a few times. You might have mutual friends.

Perhaps he even bought you a drink when you bumped into him in a bar last week and you’re pretty sure there’s a bit of a vibe between you.

But he just won’t ask you out, so how do you get him to do it?

In this article, we’re going to give you 9 foolproof ways to get that dream guy and get on the date you’ve been waiting for.

Not all of these tips will work for you. The right way to get a guy is the way that suits you and your personality.

There’s no point setting up your ideal date only for your man to find out you’re not the person he thought you were.

Be honest and real, and choose the tips that match who you are. Do that, and you’ll be on the right track to develop things to a second date, and beyond.

How to get a guy to ask you out: 9 essential tips

1. Think body language

If you don’t want to ask him with actual language, ask him with body language. The way you move, sit, and stand are all vital means of communication.

You know how if you’re chatting to someone you like (or even on a date with them) and you get that weird feeling that they’re definitely not that into you?

That’s down to body language.

Even if you’re not conscious of anything specific, that vibe you get that they can’t wait to be anywhere else is all because of body language.

And it works the other way around too.

To show your guy that you’re interested and want them to ask you out, make sure you look at him and keep eye contact (don’t stare, but maybe use just a little more eye contact than you’re comfortable with).

You might think that looking away or at your shoes is being cute and coy. He’ll just think you want to get away from him.

Angle yourself towards him, keeping your arms away from your chest and your feet pointed towards him.

Crossing your arms across your body and your feet pointed away from his body looks defensive.

Finally, and this is the scary bit, touch him. Not in a creepy way. But just brush his arm lightly when you go to pick up your drink, or if you stand up.

If he’s starting to think the same way as you, that little touch will make him think you might just be feeling the same. And that might be all he needs to ask you on a date.

2. Make him feel like a hero

If you want to get a guy to ask you out, then you need to tap into his primal instincts. Something he desperately needs.

What is it?

For any guy to fall for a woman, he needs to feel like her provider and protector. He needs to feel genuinely admired.

In other words, he needs to feel like your hero.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous. After all, you’re an independent woman. You don’t need a man to be your “hero” and rescue you!

And look, I couldn’t agree more.

But the ironic truth is this:

Men still need to feel like a hero.

Why?

Because it’s built into their biology to seek out relationships that allow them to fulfill the role of being a provider and protector.

Your man has a thirst for admiration, and he wants to step up to the plate to protect you.

Therefore, if you can make him feel like a hero, it will unleash his protective instinct and he’ll have no choice but to ask you out.

Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of love and attraction.

And the kicker?

He won’t ask you out if this thirst isn’t satisfied.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It was coined “the hero instinct” by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

Bauer says that you can’t trigger the hero instinct just by giving him admiration the next time you see him.

Men don’t like receiving participation awards just for showing up. He wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.

How?

You don’t need to engineer a scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car.

He wants to be your hero, not an action hero.

But there are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.

And because no man can resist a woman who makes him feel like a hero, it’s worth learning a few of these emotional trigger points.

If you want to learn more about this powerful technique (from the man who invented it), then check out his short video here.

Top tip:

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed relationship with you.

The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.

Talking with Pearl about her experience is how I was introduced to the concept myself. Since then, I’ve written about it extensively on Hack Spirit.

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I think this is one of them.

That’s why I recommend watching this free online video where you can learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your guy.

3. Be confident

We all know confidence is attractive. Everyone tells you this.

But when you’re desperate for your perfect guy to ask you on the perfect date? You’re full of self-doubt and finding it really hard to feel confident.

If you don’t feel confident, act it. If you appear confident, your guy will think you’re the kind of person who’ll be fun on a date, with lots of good stories to tell.

You’ll be the person who’s willing to head out on an adventure rather than spending the night in front of the TV. Confident people are fun, together and successful.

You don’t have to have a glittering career or a white-water rafting hobby to be considered confident.

A few simple changes to the way you think and talk about yourself will make you feel confident instantly.

1. Stand tall. Confident people aren’t afraid to fill a bit of space. If you’re always slouched, you look like you’re trying to shrink or like you don’t really deserve to be where you are.

2. Stop worrying about what he thinks. If he doesn’t end up asking you on a date? So what, there are lots of others out there.

Have the confidence to make it clear you like him, without worrying about whether he does or not.

3. Speak clearly. Own your words. Stop caring about whether he likes your stories or not. Tell them anyway and let things happen naturally.

4. Laugh together

Just about every dating ad out there specifies ‘a sense of humor’ as a must-have.

Why?

Because people want to laugh. Laughing brings us closer together and is a big part of your developing bond with your intended man.

If you’re not up for leaping right in with a joke, try and sound out your guy’s sense of humor by talking about your favourite funny TV show.

If you’re right for each other, he’s probably going to say ‘I love that too’. And then you’ll have the perfect way to make him laugh by talking about your favorite episodes and characters.

What if he doesn’t like the same shows as you?

It might not mean you’re doomed. At least by asking the question you have an insight into what he does find funny and you’ll know where you can find some common ground.

A date with someone where you debate the relative merits of the things you both love can be just as fun as one where you talk about how you both love the same things.

5. Drink together (but only a little bit)

There’s a reason so many people hook up at parties and in bars: alcohol.

We’re not about to suggest that you go out and try and get blind drunk. That’s never a good idea.

But if you like an occasional drink, try and have one or two with your man.

A small amount of alcohol might just give him the courage he needs to ask you out.

Even if it doesn’t give him that courage at the time, you’ll probably both have loosened up a bit over your drink, laughed a bit, and maybe got a little physically closer than you might have otherwise done.

Just make sure you choose the right drink. This probably isn’t the time for a Long Island iced tea or a gassy beer.

Since most dates start with a drink, having just the one with the guy you want a date with gives him a good idea of what a real date with you will be like.

And that might just be all you need to get a second date.

6. Believe that you look amazing

Attraction is not, of course, simply about the way you look. But there’s no question it’s a factor. And it’s not just about making yourself look more appealing to him.

It’s about making sure you feel like the super-hot goddess you know you really are (and if you don’t, make sure you start).

If you know you’re likely to see your guy, make sure that this isn’t the day you wear your scruffiest jeans or that you just scrape back your hair.

You don’t have to go all out to dress up (save that for the date) but it’s good to do whatever makes you feel confident and sexy.

That’s going to be different for everyone. If you’re a jeans and cute t-shirt girl, wear your favourite jeans and your cutest t-shirt.

If you’re all about heels and classic dresses, wear those.

Do your hair however makes you feel happiest..but make sure it hasn’t gone months without a visit to the salon.

Don’t go too heavy on the makeup, especially if it’s daytime, but do wear just enough that you feel hot.

Give him a flavor of the real you, just on your very best day. And, though he’s not going to get to see it yet, wear nice underwear.

Nothing will make you feel sexier than knowing you have your best undies on, even though he doesn’t know about them.

The confidence that you will ooze from you while you’re wearing them will have him dying to know more.

7. Talk about the things you love to do

If the two of you are going to have a successful date together, you’re going to need to have something in common.

Talk to him about your hobbies, your favorite movies, the things you love to eat. Anything and everything that will help him get to know you better.

With any luck, you’ll find that he loves some of the exact same things that you do. You’ll have an easy conversation starter and maybe an idea for an amazing first date.

But if you don’t, that doesn’t really matter. Studies show that shared interests aren’t really all that important in a relationship.

You can love completely different things, as long as you both respect each others’ choices about what you like to do.

The other reason to talk about what you love is that you’ll look super attractive.

When people talk about the things they’re passionate about or about the best times they’ve had, they tend to look sexier than ever.

Think about how someone who really cares about what they’re talking about looks and how they can draw a crowd at a party.

This is just a 1:1 version of the same thing. When he can see the spark in your eyes when you talk about your passions, he’ll be hooked.

8. Drop some hints

Even if you’ve done everything above, your guy might still be feeling a bit uncertain about whether you’re into him or not.

And, since no-one likes to be turned down, that means he might still be on the fence about asking you out.

If you think that’s the case, try and be a bit less subtle. Steer your conversation around directly to the subject of dating and relationships.

You’ll have to be a bit brave, but it might just be the only way to get that date.

You could talk about how you’re single, and how you miss having someone to cook your favorite dinner for.

Or you could ask him what his perfect date would be. He’ll be in no doubt what you want him to do next.

If you really can’t do it, try and talk to his friends. If he’s into you, they’ll know about it. They might even have been looking for a way to help him out.

Find a friend or two of his that you think you can trust, and tell them straight out that you’re interested.

If the feeling’s mutual, the information is guaranteed to get back to your guy and you’ll have your date.

9. Ask him

When all else fails, just ask him.

Just like you, your guy might be feeling scared of being rejected if he asks you. He might not be 100% sure you like him. He might not be certain you’re single.

All those thoughts going through your head right now, are also going through his.

If you really want him, you’ll have to be brave. And there’s a good chance he’ll absolutely love you for it.

Many modern guys just aren’t into the whole alpha male/beta female thing. They want a confident girl who doesn’t mind making the first move.

Why not be that girl?

To conclude…

There is no easy way to get a guy to ask you out. Not every guy is going to be brave enough to just come out with an invite right away.

He might be feeling unsure of whether you like him or just not wanting to come across as a sleaze.

Or maybe he just needs a bit of persuasion to realise how awesome you are.

You can keep on trying to engineer meetings and hoping he’ll eventually ask you, or you can make sure he knows exactly what you’re feeling right now.

  • Use body language. Stop trying to be cute and coy. Use open body language and even the odd brush against his arm.
  • Be confident. Easier said than done, but he won’t want to date someone who doesn’t look like they’re happy in their own skin.
  • Laugh. If you can laugh together, he’ll know you’re good date material.
    Have a drink. Just the one will do, but just enough for you both to let your guard down a little.
  • Look amazing. You don’t have to dress up to the nines, but be your best self when you see him…right down to your underwear.
  • Talk about your favorite things. Show him that you’re a passionate person with lots to talk about.
  • Drop hints. You don’t have to be subtle.
  • Ask him out. When he won’t ask you, it’s time for you to ask him.

Getting a date with your dream guy isn’t always easy. But if you really want him, it’s worth the effort. Make a plan and then go for it.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.
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