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How to get a girl to like you: The 5 important things women desire

So you’re head over heels for a girl who doesn’t even know you exist, or maybe doesn’t think of you as anything more than a friend.

It might be the first time or the hundredth time in your life, but the problem remains the same: how do you get a girl to like you?

You don’t want to mess it up, but you also don’t want to let her become just another “one who got away.”

In this article, we discuss everything from the mindset you should adopt to the mistakes you should avoid to give yourself the best shot at scoring your next awesome date.

It All Starts From the Mind: Fixing Your Perspective

From the moment we get our first crushes on the playground, the myth of the girl begins.

Boys turn the cute, attractive, charming girl into an “other” – something that must be understood because she is too different from what is familiar and already known.

While this myth slowly disappears as we grow older and gain experiences with girls and eventually women, some of us never truly learn to stop thinking of women as something that is too alien from who we are.

And this is problematic, because it makes the issue of understanding them – and even more, getting them to like you – one that feels much more difficult than it actually is.

When we categorize an entire group of people as something that is unlike ourselves – in this case, girls and women we are attracted to – we end up convincing ourselves that wild, extra leaps must be taken to earn their attention and get on the same page as them.

If you find yourself asking the question, “How do I get a girl to like me?”, the first thing you need to realize is this: you already know. Ask yourself:

  What makes you like someone?

  What makes your friends like you?

  What makes you like someone you don’t know?

  What makes your family happy about you, and about other people?

  What kind of person do you like being around?

The first step towards making not only one girl like you, but most people that you meet to like you, is reevaluating your perspective.

There is no magic key or tome that will help you discover the secrets needed to sway over the women you like.

It’s all about being the best version of yourself you can be, and knowing how to direct it.

Know What You Want: Never Send Mixed Signals

It’s not something you might usually ask yourself, particularly if you don’t have much experience with women.

But before you try to pull any sweet moves on your crush, it’s important you figure out – what do you want?

The way you angle your flirtations from the start will help your target understand your intentions, and your intentions must be clear from the start.

Are you looking for a fling? Do you just want a casual date with no strings attached? Do you want something more serious, but maybe not a total commitment yet?

Are you looking for “the one”, with marriage and lifelong togetherness involved? Or do you have no idea what you want, and you just want to see where the wind takes you?

Don’t throw yourself at a woman you find attractive and say, “Have at me!” You want to know what you want from the start, even if you don’t know what you want at all.

If you were just looking to be friends, this wouldn’t be a problem.

But a relationship beyond platonic – regardless of the intended intimacy – requires more of a push in the right direction, and you need to start pushing the right way from the start. Remember: mixed signals will get you nowhere.

Types of Flirting, and What They Attract

Getting a girl to like you means refining your flirting methods, and this begins with understanding the way you flirt.

According to researchers, one of the most important parts of successfully developing strong relationships is having a self-awareness of the way you flirt.

By understanding your preferred flirting style, you can better embrace it and use it.

So what are the different types of flirting?

It’s best to think of flirting as what it is when broken down to its most basic structure: a negotiation process.

After two people effectively show each other that there is a level of mutual attraction, they now have the choice to test each other with small doses of flirting, to see if the attraction will continue to grow.

And the way you negotiate or flirt can determine the kind of flirting and relationship experiences you might have.

According to researchers, there are five main styles of flirting that people fall into: playful, sincere, polite, traditional, and physical. Each style has its own premises of flirting as well as its own general outcome.

Flirting style 1: Playful

Main Purpose: Playful flirters flirt because they find it fun, and it gives them great boosts to their self-esteem

General Experience: They flirt quickly and move from one person to another without thinking much about it

Common Outcome: They have quick flings, and are the least likely flirters to end up in meaningful and long-term relationships

Flirting style 2: Sincere

Main Purpose: Sincere flirters aren’t generally looking for a relationship, but rather someone to connect with emotionally.

General Experience: It’s all about creating a sincere bond between two people. Most sincere flirters are women, meaning a sincere flirter man is likely to have great success

Common Outcome: Relationships built on sincere flirting are generally powerful in terms of sexual chemistry and emotional connection, and have no problems transitioning to long-term status

Flirting style 3: Polite

Main Purpose: While polite flirters desire meaningful and sexual relationships, their first priority is their values, leading to flirting styles that embody nonsexual and proper communication

General Experience: Polite flirters rarely ever approach potential partners, as they feel that it might be improper. They are also averse to being flirted with in any style that isn’t polite

Common Outcome: Polite flirters tend to only end up with other polite flirters, but the relationships they form are incredibly meaningful

Flirting style 4: Traditional

Main Purpose: Traditional or conservative flirters only want long-term, meaningful relationships, but approach it differently according to their gender: women wait for men to approach, and men always make the first move

General Experience: Traditional women flirters rarely ever find flirting flattering, and require constant pursuit to gain their attention. Traditional men will learn as much as they can about their potential partner before they start flirting

Common Outcome: These are the most introverted flirters, and when they successfully start dating, they prefer only intimate settings for their dates

Flirting style 5: Physical

Main Purpose: While physical flirting is often confused with playful flirting, physical flirting has less of the carelessness of playful flirting, while still possessing the ability to flirt and move on quickly

General Experience: These flirters understand sexual chemistry the most, and know how to use their body to their advantage

Common Outcome: Relationships develop quickly and they know how to connect with almost anyone, as they prioritize creating strong emotional and physical bonds before their own needs 

(Flirting with a girl is much more than cheesy one liners and playful looks. Check out our The Tao of Badass review to learn foolproof flirting and picking up strategies).

5 Most Attractive Qualities That Girls Are Looking For In a Guy

But there’s more to it than just flirting. A common mistake that many men make is thinking of women like a boss in a video game – as long as you make the right moves, you can easily conquer her and make her yours.

But it’s important to prioritize the things that women are looking for in a partner, and what they find most attractive in a guy.

Here are 5 of the most important qualities women are looking for in men:

1) Assertiveness – Not to be confused with being a jerk. Assertiveness means knowing what you want, from the next five years in your career to what you want for dinner. Don’t be afraid to make a decision and stick to it; women love knowing that they can rely on their man for his stances.

2) Curiosity – Is there anything more boring than a partner who doesn’t want to know things? It’s important to be curious, because it shows that you won’t stagnate as a partner (and thus make her stagnant). And most importantly, it’s most attractive when you are curious about her.

3) Emotional Presence – You have to stay committed, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If your date is sharing a story, listen. Don’t wander off – they’ve given you their time, so it’s time that you appreciate it. And don’t be afraid to talk about your own stories and emotions; they want to see the vulnerable side of you just as much, if not more.

4) Stability – While financial stability is important, there’s more to you than what’s in your wallet, and that’s what women are looking for. Emotional stability leads to relationship stability. The more mature and in control you are of the things you can control – and how much you’ve accepted there are things you can’t control – the more attractive a partner you will be.

5) Equality – It’s not 1950 anymore. Women want to be sure that they’re dating someone from this century, and that means acknowledging and practicing their equal say and power in the relationship. Never try to overpower them, physically or verbally. Even if you think they are wrong in a conversation, talk it out properly. Let them know you are willing to listen and change.

Common Mistakes From the “PUA” Crowd

If you are a man who has been following tips from the online PUA or Pick Up Artist community, then you might be working against your chances of attracting women.

There are a lot of mistakes that men tend to make when they actively try to pursue a woman, and it’s crucial that you avoid these PUA pitfalls. Not only will you give yourself a better overall experience, but you will avoid becoming the exact type of man that women avoid:

1) Entitlement

The Mistake: It’s your first time actively trying to put any effort in your personality and appearance, and you become frustrated when women don’t immediately respond.

Deep down, this frustration is caused by the belief that you deserve attention simply because you finally invested some effort.

What To Do Instead: You are not entitled to anyone’s attention. Your effort is great, but keep going. You can’t convince anyone to like you if they really don’t like you; sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Just go again and try to be a better version of yourself.

2) Negging

The Mistake: A common tactic from the online PUA community, negging is the idea that you can psychologically trick a woman into finding you attractive by lowering her self-esteem with a backhanded compliment, like calling her nose big or saying that she is fat.

What To Do Instead: Even if this method does work – which it rarely ever does – it is manipulative and abusive, and is the worst way to start any kind of relationship. It’s a giant red flag for most women, and will keep you out of their interest for good.

3) Too Much Information

The Mistake: This is a common mistake from men who do not have much experience flirting. They might tend to give out too much information too fast, talking about their shameful secrets, their tragic family histories, their strange fantasies and desires.

This comes from a misunderstanding of being open and vulnerable – we think that if we are completely honest with them, we can make them love us for our sincerity.

What To Do Instead: It’s important to pace yourself. Being open and vulnerable is an attractive trait, but no one wants to hear about weird fetishes from a stranger.

As we said above, no one is obligated to like you, so while you should be honest, you should also know when to say something, and when to hold it back.

4) Stalking, or “Being Creative” 

The Mistake: You might see a cute girl in your workplace or school, and instead of approaching her and introducing yourself, you do everything you can to find out her personal details from other sources.

You check out her Facebook, look for her number in the company phonebook, and ask her friends about her before ever speaking with her.

What To Do Instead: Creatively stalking someone is a huge turn-off, and is the ultimate red flag. Not only are you showing that you don’t have the decency and the confidence to do the simple thing and just introduce yourself, you are also showing that you are willing to cross boundaries to get what you want.

Why Making An Effort Matters

If you think putting on a nice shirt or reading a new book to have something more interesting to talk about is too much work, you might want to take into consideration that you are in the golden age of modern dating. 

Whether you’re planning to enter a serious relationship or engage in a casual, fun fling is irrelevant – modern dating has transformed dating into a speed search for the next best candidate. Here’s how you make sure you get a fair shot:

How Modern Dating Has Changed The Game

College parties, work events, and family gatherings used to be precursors to dating.

In these social situations, mutual friends would come together and meet people in their circle, and if they’re lucky, go on a brand new romantic adventure. 

But with the popularity of dating apps like Tinder, dating has been removed from social situations, and isolated into its own little corner on your phone.

And while there are success stories of partners, who would otherwise have never met, finding each other on dating platforms, this fairytale is simply not true for the average user.

In fact, only around 5% of surveyed couples in a marriage or committed relationship report meeting their significant other online. 

So, how has the likes of Tinder changed dating forever?

For starters, it’s easier to compare someone with everyone else. Before the era of dating apps, in-person interactions limited you to people in the room.

More often than not, you would only meet people who knew the same people, went to the same hang out spots, or went to the same office or school as you.

Dating apps have unlocked the other candidates you never would have met in person.

The convenience of expanding your digital dating network comes with serious pitfalls: the dating scene has become so competitive that sometimes being yourself isn’t enough. 

Research shows that women are generally pickier than men when it comes to online dating and were contacted much more often than their male users.

As a result, women have the privilege of taking their pick and had more choice over who to respond to. 

How It Applies To You

Dating apps are among the most downloaded apps in the world. If you live in the 21st century, there’s a good chance that the girl you’re interested in has had some experience with online dating. 

Realistically, you’re not just competing with the two or three more guys befriending her in person; you’re up against the hundreds of guys online that are within her reach through dating apps.

Does it mean you have to beat every single one of them? No, It’s not about being the best one out of all those hundreds. It’s about making an effort to get a girl to actually notice you and like you.

Making an effort doesn’t mean you’re preparing to step into the biggest, most serious relationship in your life. It just means you’re ready to give yourself a little boost. The good news it that you can do it through the following simple, actionable steps:

10 Tips On Becoming A Well-Rounded, Attractive Guy

1) Be A Fun Conversationalist

Women are interested in guys who can actually talk about something in-depth.

It doesn’t matter if you’re into movies, video games, sports, politics, or food – the point is to have topics in your arsenal that you feel comfortable with. 

You don’t have to be the smartest guy in the room to be a great conversationalist.

If you have something passionate about (bonus points if she has no idea what it is), share it with her and use it as a conversation point.

It lets her know that you have your own set of interests and hobbies, making you look more interesting. 

2) Practice Good Hygiene

Having good hygiene doesn’t mean you have to spend 30 minutes every day blow drying your hair.

Good hygiene can be as simple as brushing your hair, keeping yourself cleanly shaven or trimmed, and styling your hair with wax. 

A guy who puts thought into his grooming looks put together and in control of himself. You don’t have to bathe in cologne to be properly groomed.

It’s really all about tidying yourself up and making sure you look presentable. 

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether or not you would go into a job interview looking like you do now.

If the answer is no, chances are she won’t be very impressed with your effortless scruffy look either. 

3) Wear Clothes That Fit

Looking dapper doesn’t have to be expensive. Forget the advice telling you to shop for new clothes you won’t feel comfortable in.

In fact, you don’t even have to change your current style to look great in clothes.

The most fundamental, and often overlooked thing, about looking sharp is simply getting clothes that fit.

When shopping for shirts, don’t over or underestimate your body size and get ones that fit just right. 

How do you know if it’s the right fit? Make sure the shoulder cut on the shirt matches where your actual shoulders are.

When it comes to pants, get something that flatters your body type. If all else fails, you can slip into your comfiest pair of trousers and get it tailored for a better fit. 

4) Mind Your Body Language

The first thing anyone will notice about you is your body language: the way you walk into a room or how you interact with the world around you.

Relationship experts even suggest observing a person’s body language to get a pure understanding of someone, because unlike speech, these are supposedly subconscious cues of the body that reveal much about ourselves. 

Be aware of your body language and what it communicates.

You can practice with friends and family members and ask how your gestures, posture, stance, and general demeanor reflect who you are.

This will prepare you when you’re finally around the girl that you like. 

The secret to sexy body language is to never overcompensate. You can start with practicing better posture and maintaining eye contact when talking to people.

Don’t try to project a “confident stance” – this will only leave you feeling uncomfortable and looking awkward. 

On Positive Psychological Tricks

5) Be A Familiar Figure

Human beings like things that are familiar, and that includes the woman you’re interested in.

Be familiar enough that she actually recognizes your presence and notices it when you’re gone.

Proximity creates attraction; just by simply being around someone, you get to spend more time together and learn more about them. 

However, don’t be so familiar that she considers you her new best friend. Avoid falling into the friend zone by striking a balance between familiarity and individuality. 

6) Keep Things New And Exciting

The one thing that is guaranteed to set you apart from all the other guys is introducing something new to her life.

Maybe there’s a dish in your hometown you can share with her or a great underrated movie she’s never seen.

It doesn’t have to be a romantic adventure – it can be as simple as making an exclusive handshake or telling some inside jokes. 

The point is to introduce novelties in your life that will keep you new and exciting.

This will allow you to create little moments together that are just “yours”, and she’ll always have new, fun memories that she will associate with you. 

7) Highlight Similarities, Or Challenge Differences

If you like the same things, use that to your advantage, but don’t hide your differences either. Having an opinion is an attractive trait and makes her know you’re not a boring yes man.

If you can tease her about your different tastes and be playful about it, then all the better. This affirms that you are a confident, well-rounded person who isn’t afraid to challenge or be challenged.

No matter how it plays out, you can use both similarities and differences as great conversation points, and even use those as excuses to hang out.

You can see a band you both like or you can either convince her to watch your favorite one. It’s a win-win situation!

On Behavior and Approach

8) Be Nice To Other Women

Women are attracted to men who have respectable, functional relationships with other women.

Guys who have hateful relationships towards their mothers or who always complain about exes are a universal red flag for women.

If you want her to feel safe around you, show her that you’re a nice person to other women, not just with her.

When you’re hanging out around her friends, don’t hesitate to talk about their interests and engage them in friendly conversation.

Hanging out with her older sister or a senior colleague from work? Treat them with the same respect you would treat older women in your life. 

When you treat everyone around you nicely, the girl you like will pick up on that (especially if you’re not trying) and see you as a genuinely kind person. 

9) Make Your Intentions Clear

PUAs like to talk about the push and pull method, where you rope in a girl with a conversation but push her enough with a backhanded comment or playful joke to make her wonder if you are really attracted to her or not. 

Women see through these “techniques” and will often shut you down if you’re trying to overcompensate for your insecurity.

Again, the girl you like is just like any other person you want to be close with – to make it happen, you need to show sincerity. 

10) Complement Her Pace

Complementing her pace is all about understanding how she wants to proceed with the courtship, flirtation, or relationship, while introducing your own pace. 

If the woman you are interested in likes to take things slow, you don’t necessarily have to move at a glacial pace just to have a chance at one date.

You can ask her out but assure her that you don’t expect anything from the date to keep her at ease.

If you’re interested in a girl who’s into casual flings but you’re the type of guy who is into more serious relationships, you can manage this by hanging out with her sporadically and planning activities you know she would like, without ever making her feel like you’re in a serious, committed relationship. 

It’s all about knowing what she likes and meeting halfway without compromising things that are non-negotiable to either of you. 

Being the Right Guy: No One Size Fits All

Just because these tips worked on some guys doesn’t mean they’ll work for everyone.

Just as guys are different, women will like different things, and there’s no guarantee that the tips here will work on the girl you like every single time. 

The good news is that these tips are geared towards making you a better, more confident gentleman.

So even if you get shot down a couple times, remember that you are creating a better version of yourself that’s a lot more pleasant to be around. 

Continue working on yourself and your relationship with others and a lucky girl is bound to pick up on your positive energy and get magnetized by your charm.

 

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Lachlan Brown

Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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