Feelings can be all too fickle. Relationships can start out great, but over time something changes.
If your ex broke up with you because they lost feelings for you, then don’t lose heart.
This article will share what you can do next.
1) Dissect your relationship problems
The thought of digging around into your relationship problems might sound pretty depressing after a breakup, but it can be incredibly empowering.
After all, to be able to change anything for the better we first need to see it clearly. That way you are in the best position to make the improvements that can get your ex back.
Understanding why you broke up is crucial. Your ex may say it was because their feelings changed, but why did they change?
Usually, it doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, potentially small problems begin to mount until they create big problems.
Tina Fey recommends this vital step in her book ‘How To Get Your Ex Back’
“It’s essential you unpick what happened before you consider trying to patch things up. So, I want to ask you: do you really know why your relationship broke down?
“Take out a journal and note down the issues and behavioral patterns that showed up in your relationship – not just at the end of your relationship, but throughout the time you were together. This is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary if you want to move forward and to genuinely make a go of the relationship again.”
Taking the time to do this now will mean that you don’t end up right back where you are now later down the line.
2) Boost your confidence
I realize that right now your confidence could be pretty low. It’s only natural after a breakup.
But unfortunately, it’s also something you are going to need if you want your ex to start to see you differently.
As professor of Psychology at California State University, Kelly Campbell, Ph.D, explains low confidence can be one of the biggest reasons why feelings change:
“One of the most common reasons why people lose interest is because the person they’re dating lacks confidence. Confidence counts for a lot. Consider a person — and we all know at least one — who is physically unattractive, yet has many dating options. The reason they do so well is that people are drawn to their confidence. Insecurities may not be obvious right from the start, which is why two people could go out a few times before one person has a change of heart.”
It’s vital to dedicate time to bolster your self-esteem.
- Process your feelings through journaling
- Lean on other supportive connections in your life
- Recognize all your best qualities (write them down)
- Indulge in plenty of self-care
3) Show your independence
Autonomy is really important in any relationship.
In fact, research has shown how space is actually more significant in creating a long-lasting relationship than sex.
Those flames of passion can often burn out when they aren’t given the oxygen needed to provide breathing room.
Relationship psychologist John Aiken argues feelings can fade when space is lacking:
“Couples need space in a relationship so they don’t suffocate each other. Having time apart is extremely healthy and keeps a freshness in their relationship. It encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple, and it fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess.”
Now is the time to highlight to your ex that you are far more than your relationship with them. This type of independence is incredibly attractive.
You can show your independence by:
- Taking some time and space for yourself after the breakup
- Don’t act needy or chase your ex
- Spend time with friends and family
- Spend time on your hobbies and interests
Not only will this display your independence, but it’s also going to have the added bonus of helping you to boost your confidence. Which, as I just explained, is going to be another key element of getting your ex’s feelings for you to come back.
4) Get a specific game plan
The reality is that every relationship is different, as is every breakup. The obstacles you face getting your ex back who lost feelings for you are unique.
Certain factors that impact your relationship, and the reasons behind your ex’s change of heart all play a big part in deciding your best move.
That’s why it can be useful to get some tailor-made advice.
A relationship coach at Relationship Hero can listen to your circumstances, and together you can come up with a plan of action.
From constructing the perfect text to send to your ex, to getting to the bottom of why your ex lost feelings in the first place — they can help in really practical ways.
One of the reasons why I always recommend Relationship Hero is that, unlike a regular therapist, they don’t just listen, they will also offer advice based on their expertise.
When you are feeling lost and don’t know what to do for the best, it can be a huge relief to get some specific outside guidance.
If you want to know more, follow this link to find out how you can connect with a relationship coach at Relationship Hero within minutes.
5) Forget feelings and focus on desire
I recently wrote another article on how to get your ex back using Psychology.
In it, I talked about an interesting (and pretty unfortunate) contradiction that often creates a clash within romantic relationships.
And that is the fact that love and desire are not particularly compatible.
Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel has done lots of research into what makes a lasting relationship.
And she found one sticking point that comes up time and time again is the clash of love and desire.
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire.”
Sometimes when we say we have lost feelings for someone, what we really mean is that we have lost desire.
Your ex may still care about you, but those romantic feelings of desire had started to fade.
Rather than trying to bring back your ex’s feelings, think about how you can bring back their desire for you.
Perel suggests certain things, in particular, can increase desire:
- Seeing someone in their element (feeling radiant and confident)
- When there is distance — absence really does make the heart grow fonder
- When we are surprised and there is novelty
6) Give your ex some space
Distance has cropped up a couple of times now when it comes to bringing back your ex’s feelings. So it’s worth giving this its own point on the list.
Because whenever we feel like we’ve lost something grief can make us behave in funny ways.
The desperation you feel to get back what you feel you have lost can prompt you to try to cling on even tighter.
But clinginess and neediness in any form are only going to push your ex further away. Intense emotions can be overwhelming, and too much will only scare someone off.
As we’ve already seen, autonomy heightens desire. Whereas being needy is never attractive.
Don’t try to change your ex’s mind.
You cannot convince someone to have feelings for you. Instead, their energy towards you needs to change before their feelings do.
And giving your ex some time and space to potentially miss you is going to help this.
7) Focus on yourself
So what do you do whilst you are giving your ex space?
You bring your attention back to yourself. This is going to help in various ways.
Firstly, when you stop obsessing about your ex and put your energy back on yourself, your whole vibe is going to subtly shift.
Whilst you are busy focusing on your own self-care and personal development your inward confidence is going to build.
And that has a habit of radiating out. So your ex picks up on the fact that you’re not waiting for them to come and save you. Your happiness instead relies on you. All of this is incredibly sexy and empowering, which makes you more desirable.
Look towards your own personal growth. Take online or in-person courses, read books, try a new class or hobby, exercise, eat well and get enough sleep.
Ask yourself the type of person you want to be, and take steps to become exactly that.
Do all you can to heal yourself from the breakup. That way, whatever happens, you will be in the strongest position.
Ironically, getting to the point where you don’t need your ex to come back in order to be happy is one of the things that is more likely to get your ex to come back.
Seeing you standing on your own two feet and getting on with life boosts your status in the eyes of your ex.
8) Highlight why you are compatible
Sometimes feelings fade when we no longer see someone as a good match for us.
Psychotherapist Jennifer L. Silvershein told INSIDER that after a while you can start to view a partner in a whole new light.
“I believe often individuals can be seeing things through rose-colored glasses and when they take those off and see [their] partner for who they truly are, sometimes they can feel differently than [they once] did and it may feel sudden,”.
Your ex may have started to question your compatibility, or simply lost sight of it. In the beginning stages, when everything is new, hormones can overtake how we feel. Everything seems effortless somehow.
But later down the line when that honeymoon period goes, we’re left with the reality. And we can quickly go from seeing the best in our partner, to noticing the worst.
Highlighting your compatibility is all about reminding your ex why you hit it off in the first place.
What drew you together? What interests and values do you share? Why do you think you’re a good team?
Once you identify exactly what makes you and your ex compatible, set about showing off these things to your ex.
Remind them of what they saw in you in the first place, whether that’s your wicked sense of humor, your playfulness, or your kindness.
9) Trigger your ex’s fear of loss
The desperate feeling when we lose someone we care about is a big motivator. I’m guessing that’s what made you search out this article in the first place.
The problem is that this same motivation isn’t usually there for the person who did the dumping. They may not fear your loss in the same way that you do.
So you need to try and trigger this in your ex in order to bring back their feelings for you.
Without the complacency that they can get you back at any time, they’re more likely to be motivated into action.
Some people try to provoke this feeling through zero contact. But a “No Communication” text can also be a good way to do this.
Send your ex something like:
— “You’re right. It’s best that we don’t talk right now, but I would like to be friends eventually.” Or “I think it probably was for the best that we decided to see other people”.
A message like this sent at just the right time can work wonders. It’s a subtle way of saying that you’re moving on.
When your ex fully faces the prospect that you may be gone forever, it can create a “fear of loss” in your ex which will trigger their attraction to you again.
This is a clever tactic I learned from Brad Browning. He has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back.
In this free video, he’ll offer lots of practical tips and tricks to make your ex want you again.
Here’s a link to his free video again. If you really are determined to get your ex back, this video can help you do it.
10) Encourage them to remember the good times
When a relationship breaks down for whatever reason we tend to get fixated on the bad.
Your ex may have started to lose feelings for you if they began to focus on the negative parts and lost sight of the relationship’s positives.
It’s actually easily done.
I mentioned earlier how at the beginning of a relationship the chemical reaction which causes the honeymoon period helps us to see our partner with rose-tinted glasses.
But when you leave the honeymoon period you are suddenly confronted with the reality of a real relationship. And real relationships aren’t perfect.
The problem is that you can start to focus your attention on all those little imperfections until they seem pretty huge.
In fact, so many couples split up when the honeymoon period comes to an end because they mistake the natural change a relationship goes through for the loss of feelings.
Research has found that too much routine can make a relationship feel stale. It suggests the best way to combat that is to focus on positive experiences together.
Although you may not be able to create new positive experiences with your ex right now, you can remind them of the ones you have already had.
The findings of the study suggest that rather than try to directly change emotions, you should focus on your most enjoyable activities together instead.
Reminding your ex of happier times might help them refocus on the good in your relationship.
11) Show your fun side
This next point is a continuation of the previous one.
I don’t care how good it is, all relationships have the potential to occasionally feel like a bit of a drag.
It can’t be fireworks and romance all the time. But if reality kicked in a bit too much for your ex, then you need to bring back some of those flutters for them.
And as well as reminding them of your good times, remind them of how fun you are.
Breakups are obviously far from fun, but those negative emotions can make everything feel even heavier. Instead, try to lighten the vibe between you and your ex.
Think back to what made you fall for each other in the first place. Return to those early days when it was all going well.
How did you behave? How did you treat your ex? What did you do to captivate your ex and make them fall for you?
Try to embody that again.
Treat each time you meet up with your ex like a first date. Lighten the load and try to be fun and flity.
This will help you rebuild that sexual tension.
12) Invoke some FOMO by showing your ex what they’re missing
The fear of missing out is real and can have a powerful effect on people.
In fact, one research study found it can lead to trouble sleeping, lower self-esteem, and anxiety.
The reason FOMO can be so effective in triggering your ex’s emotions is that it combines a mix of jealousy alongside loss.
Seeing you out and about doing different things can make your ex feel excluded from your life all of a sudden. And this can create that “fear of loss” reaction we talked about earlier.
It also can provoke jealousy in your ex. They wonder where you are going, who you are with, and what you are getting up to.
You can create FOMO through simple things like:
- Posting a social media photo of you having fun
- Implying that you are busy whenever you speak to your ex
- Be seen out plenty of times with friends having fun (which will most likel get back to your ex eventually)
FOMO is a subtle way of leveraging jealousy to get your ex back, without going over the top about it.
And despite the popular belief that jealousy is a bad thing, in a relationship, small amounts can be a positive sign. As clinical psychologist Noam Shpancer explains:
“Research has shown that jealousy can be a sign of feeling deeply in love with a partner. It may contribute to relationship satisfaction by signaling emotional commitment and investment. It may contribute to relationship stability by prompting partners to further nurture their bond and actively protect their union.”
Trying to trigger the green-eyed monster in your ex can re-spark those romantic feelings for you that they’ve lost.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.