Paul Brian
Dating is a process and it takes two to tangle.
All too often, however, one of the people is trying to rush the dance and get serious right away.
What should you do if you’re dealing with a guy who goes right to full speed and intense pressure without any patience?
Here are 9 useful and applicable tips for dealing with a guy who comes on too fast and too strong.
1) Delay digital gratification
These days when you like someone, you text them.
All too often, you text them repeatedly, quickly, and with a basic expectation of them shooting you a message back.
That’s fine, honestly. It can be fun and romantic if you have the time and you’re really vibing.
The problem is when a guy starts getting really intense really quickly and love bombing you over text.
Take the following scenario:
You’ve been out on three dates with a young man and found him attractive, charming and engaging. You’re interested in going out again, but you’re not sure what will come of this.
Maybe it could be something real, maybe not. You’re waiting to see how things unfold.
But this guy is ready to buy a ring.
He’s sending gifs, he’s linking to music, he’s telling you his life philosophy and how many kids he wants.
He’s practically discussing the paint color he’s considering for your future kids’ bedrooms or at least how you’re basically his dream woman (he barely knows you).
Right now this guy clearly has issues. You need to hit the pause button. Stop responding right away to his messages. Shorten your answers. Tell him you’re busy.
2) Tell him you need time
Now there are two main issues to consider here:
Firstly, when he’s coming on too strong. Secondly, when he’s coming on too fast.
This means he wants to get very serious and tell you he’s in love and wants something serious right away. If you’re not right on the same page that can be extremely awkward and even somewhat scary.
If you like him too, but find his antics bizarre and disturbing, tell him you need more time.
Say you enjoy his company as well, but you’re not ready to talk about getting serious or your feelings (or lack of them) at this point.
If you don’t like him, tell him you need time and keep extending that time until he’s no longer bugging you.
If that doesn’t work, proceed to the following steps:
3) What is he looking for?
What exactly is this guy looking for? A relationship, marriage? An exclusive dating situation? Something else of some kind?
If you’re not looking for the same thing then it’s fairly easy for you to simply tell him sorry and you’re just not in the same boat as him.
If you are looking for the same thing as him you can let him know that while you are open to the same outcome, you are not looking to move at this speed.
You have your own standards and your own way of proceeding in a romantic relationship.
You aren’t cool with the way he’s proceeding and you will disconnect and leave this process behind unless he respects that you have certain boundaries.
In this case you can get kind of specific. This is especially important if you’re just starting out dating because he needs to know that you aren’t just going to let him gallop as fast as he wants into whatever he wants with you.
To this end:
4) What are your rules of the road?
You have the right to put your foot down and define what’s OK with you and what’s not.
You have your own rules of the road and your own speed limit.
If this guy’s breaking the speed limit, flashing his lights and demanding that you climb in his car before you want to, you have the right to hold up a stop sign.
You tell him no.
You tell him to slow down.
You tell him to drive safely.
You tell him there are other road users he needs to be considerate of and care about.
He’s not the only one on the road. And he can’t just do what he wants.
5) How is he crossing the line?
When explaining your own rules of the road, try to be specific about how he’s crossing the line.
If he keeps telling you that he thinks he has very strong feelings for you and this makes you uncomfortable, you can phrase it like:
“I’m flattered, but can we please see how things go a bit more before getting so deep into feelings in that way?”
If he pressures you to meet your parents or tell all your friends you started dating very early on before you’re ready, you can let him know that you have a lot on your plate right now and that it doesn’t fit for you.
“Please slow down. I can’t move this fast in something like this. Meeting my family and friends so soon doesn’t work for me, I’m sorry.
I hope you understand where I’m coming from.”
If he’s crossing the line by texting or calling too much, let him know that you can’t handle this volume of contact.
If he’s crossing the line in constantly demanding your time and asking you out, tell him you’re simply not available so often and that you’ll let him know next time you’re available.
If he still insists, you move on to the next step:
6) Paint him a picture of the past
Sometimes the most effective way to let a guy know that his intensity and speed aren’t OK with you is to use an example from the past.
Talk about a past relationship or dating experience that did not turn out well at all due to a guy coming on too strong.
Explain it in as close a parallel as you can to the two of you.
You wanted to give this guy a chance, but he was too serious too fast. He didn’t respect your space or time and demanded that you immediately fall in love with him.
He was controlling and demanding of attention, which caused you to pull away, as his neediness and possessiveness was a turn off to you.
Whenever you sense even a whiff of that in another man, it drives you away and ruins even situations where things otherwise might work out.
If he still doesn’t get the message then he’s either not very bright or he’s extremely stubborn.
It’s time to take the direct route here:
7) Tell him your concerns strongly and directly
If this guy is crossing lines and not respecting your space, sometimes you need to be quite forceful in telling him it’s not alright with you.
If possible, meet in a public space and let him know that you are not OK with moving this fast or with this intensity of commitment right now.
If he’s respectful and listens you can then decide whether or not to give him the benefit of the doubt or not.
As relationship writer Sandy Weiner puts it:
“You can communicate your feelings and concerns and see what he says.
I suggest you set a boundary and tell him how you feel about his fast pace and future focusing.
See how he responds.”
If he won’t listen, then you need to start thinking seriously about cutting this guy out of your life completely.
8) Get friends involved
In some cases friends can amplify and help deliver a message that he refuses to get.
If he’s coming on too strong and won’t leave you alone, then it can help to have a friend or two respectfully contact this guy and let him know that he’s bothering you.
They can be nice about it, sure, but if possible choose friends who are confident and not afraid to speak their mind.
They can let him know very directly that he is upsetting their friend (you) and that his behavior is becoming harassment and really crossing the line.
They understand that he likes you and hopes you feel the same, but he needs to accept that you have your own life and make your own choices about who you want or not.
This generally will lead to him getting the message and moving on, but if not it can also be necessary to:
9) Cut him off completely
If a guy has become a stalker and won’t listen to anything about your boundaries or moving at your own pace, then you need to cut him off.
This involves blocking him everywhere possible on social media, text messaging, calls, email and more.
It can also involve blocking fake accounts he creates and even contacting law enforcement if he starts issuing threats, cyber-bullying or physically pursuing and following you.
Cutting him off completely can feel like overkill, but unfortunately it’s sometimes necessary.
Remember what I said that you have the right to set your own rules of the road and that he can’t just tell you that you must conform to his schedule and his emotions.
You have your own life and your own choices to make. If he won’t accept that they don’t move at his speed and his intensity and becomes obsessive or dangerous, you can no longer have contact with this guy.
Why ghosting is the wrong move
If a guy is coming on too strong, one of the most common things that some women will do is ghost him.
Many dating articles actually recommend this as well.
Cutting a guy off and blocking him is not ghosting. If it becomes necessary you should do that, but not before telling him why and making it clear you do not want to hear from or see him again.
However, ghosting him in the sense of simply fading away, not answering messages and disappearing from his life is actually not the way to go.
In fact:
I’d strongly advise against it.
Why?
When you ghost a guy who has strong feelings for you and wants your time and interest as soon as possible, being ghosted is like dangling strong catnip in front of a cat.
He’s going to go crazy messaging you, analyzing your behavior and trying to figure out whether you’re into him or not.
When you ghost, you also show that you’re basically a shitty person to be honest.
If ghosting was very effective then it wouldn’t be associated with immaturity and being a low-value, insecure person.
If you don’t feel the same as him or aren’t sure, tell him.
If he’s moving too fast and it bothers you, tell him.
If he won’t listen or accept you, cut him off and let him know why. Don’t just vaguely disappear and leave him following a trail of breadcrumbs that exist in his own mind.
Slow it down, guy
If a guy is coming on too strong, that’s on him.
By using the tips above you’re actually helping him to learn some healthy boundaries and future lessons.
Hopefully it will not become necessary to cut him off completely or take the more dramatic steps of getting your friends involved in telling him off.
A guy liking you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s normal that somebody shows interest when he’s attracted to you or is imagining a future together.
We all do it in various ways when we meet a potential mate.
There’s nothing wrong with showing interest, being direct and wanting something serious or intense.
But he needs to learn that you also have a say in this and have your own pace that you move at and are comfortable with.
If he’s not willing to compromise on the intensity and pace he pursues you with then a relationship with him would be a nightmare in so many others ways, and would be full of miscommunication.
Maybe you like him, maybe you don’t:
But the message that you’re sending by using the above tips is simple and direct:
Slow it down, guy.
