You’ve been told you’re ugly. Many times.
At face value, females or males simply aren’t attracted to you.
It sucks. Trust me, I know. I also haven’t been graced with the best genetics.
But here’s what you need to know: It’s not the end of the world.
In fact, it might make you a better person with a more attractive personality anyway.
In this article, we’re going to discuss 13 important things that will help you deal with being ugly.
It’ll help you out more than you think.
1. Time to be honest
Let’s not beat around the bush.
While people have different tastes, there’s an objective standard of beauty that most of the human race can agree with.
According to research, people who have an “average face” are seen as more attractive.
Attractive faces tend to be symmetrical.
In a symmetrical face, the left and right look like each other. These faces tend to be the mathematical average (or mean) of the population’s facial features.
So while people might tell you that you look “unique”, or “special”, the truth is that on this “objective standard of beauty” you’re unfortunately towards the bottom.
You’re probably asking yourself “why” you have to look like this.
But this is a question you don’t need to ask yourself. All it will do is help you develop a victim mindset.
And we can all agree that acting like a victim isn’t exactly attractive for females or males.
In reality, adopting a victim mindset only results in bitterness, resentment, and powerlessness.
Now don’t get me wrong:
There are a few things you can do to make yourself a little more attractive like being fit and healthy, but the truth is, genetics is a pretty significant factor.
And genetics is something you simply can’t control.
This is why the first step to dealing with your ugliness is to accept it.
One way to accept the way you look is by doing the exercise recommended by Justin Brown in the video below.
2. Why you need to accept how you look
This is not just understanding why you’re ugly. But acceptance means being at peace with the way you look.
You don’t hold resentment towards your parents for looking the way you do. You don’t act like a victim.
Instead, you take responsibility for the way you look. You accept it. You deal with it. And you spend your time on things you can control.
After all, there’s no point in worrying about the way you look. It’s wasted energy.
But it is important to realize that you’re not alone in feeling ugly. A lot of people do for a wide range of reasons, even those people you’d consider beautiful.
Insecurity about how we look is pretty common.
According to psychologist Gleb Tsipursky, we’re all self-conscious because everyone has a natural tendency to judge their own appearance more harshly than they do others.
Gleb Tsipursky says that our flaws stand out when we look in the mirror and the balanced beauty assessment we give others is lost when we view ourselves.
Plus, our flaws have our attention which now becomes more important than what you’re not paying attention to. In psychology, this is called attentional bias.
So it’s important to not assume that those who you deem attractive have it easier than you. They actually might be more insecure.
The truth is, some people just don’t see reality for what it is.
So if you can learn to accept how you feel, then you’re doing yourself a big favor.
Not only are you not wasting time worrying about your looks, but you won’t be insecure as well.
Self-acceptance breeds confidence because you know who you are and you’re going to make the most of it.
And we all know that people that are confident are attractive.
3) Take responsibility
If you’re struggling with self-esteem issues because of the way you look, will you take responsibility for it?
I think taking responsibility is the most powerful attribute we can possess in life.
I don’t mean take responsibility for your physical appearance. I mean for how you respond to it…
Because the reality is that YOU are ultimately responsible for everything that happens in your life, including for your happiness and unhappiness, successes and failures, and for the relationship you have with yourself.
I want to briefly share with you how taking responsibility has transformed my own life, including how I see myself.
Did you know that 6 years ago I was anxious, miserable and working every day in a warehouse?
I was stuck in a hopeless cycle and had no idea how to get out of it.
My solution was to stamp out my victim mentality and take personal responsibility for everything in my life. I wrote about my journey here.
Fast forward to today and my website Hack Spirit is helping millions of people make radical shifts in their own lives. We’ve become one of the world’s biggest websites on mindfulness and practical psychology.
This isn’t about bragging, but to show how powerful taking responsibility can be…
… Because you too can transform your own life by taking complete ownership of it.
To help you do this, I’ve collaborated with my brother Justin Brown to create an online personal responsibility workshop. We give you a unique framework for finding your best self and achieving powerful things.
It’s quickly become the most popular workshop on Ideapod. Please check it out here.
I know that life isn’t always kind or fair. After all, no one chooses to be ugly and have low self-esteem because of it.
But courage, perseverance, honesty — and above all else taking responsibility — are the only ways to overcome the challenges that life throws at us.
If you want to seize control of your life, like I did 6 years ago, then this is the online resource you need.
4. If you accept the way you look, you won’t be jealous of others
This is a crucial point. Jealousy and envy aren’t emotions that you don’t want to experience. They’re toxic emotions that lead to a victimhood mentality. And life doesn’t treat “victims” very well.
Now you might think that an attractive person is “lucky” because everybody treats them well and life is easy.
But that reality is far different. Beyond quick judgments, being attractive doesn’t offer you much.
Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies on well-being and happiness – and not one of them have mentioned “attractiveness” as being a factor.
But consistently, they’ve found that “personality” plays a much stronger role.
And when you meet people, that’s what they latch onto. They want to get along with you and develop a connection. That’s what most people desire.
And trust me, if someone doesn’t want to be friends with you because of the way you look, that’s not the kind of person you want to hang out with anyway.
This is why I’ve focused much of this article on acceptance. The more you accept how you look, the better off you’ll be. You’ll be self-confident (without arrogance), happy and comfortable with who you are, which is the type of personality that many people enjoy being around.
It’s also the type of personality that many people find attractive.
The bottom line is this:
If you’re always looking at other people with envy and jealousy, it means that you’re not accepting yourself.
And if you don’t accept yourself, you’ll never be truly happy.
5. You have a better chance of developing a successful long-term relationship
If you’re telling yourself that relationships are harder for you, then you need to read this.
Now I’m willing to guess that the main reason you’re upset with the way you look is that you feel that dating is harder for you.
After all, who would want to date someone that’s ugly?
But that’s a very surface level assumption that doesn’t hold up to reality.
I mean, look around you. You can see plenty of relationships with ugly people. Every day I see an ugly female or male being all cute and cuddly with an objectively more attractive person.
There’s a reason this happens all the time:
Because when it comes to committing to a relationship, looks just aren’t that important.
Connection and personality play a far greater role when someone decides that they officially want to date someone.
Sure, “hook-ups” and “one-night stands” might be a little more difficult for you, but when it comes to being in a proper relationship, looks just aren’t as important.
When I look at the relationships I’ve been in, looks wear off very quickly. Personalities and how they interact are the most important factors of a healthy relationship.
Consider Hollywood and all those beautiful people. Why are they always chopping and changing partners?
Appearance simply isn’t important when it comes to finding true love.
And when you choose a life partner, appearance fades quickly. We’re all going to get old. It’s better to choose someone you get along with, who has a great personality that accepts themselves for who they are. That’s where you come in.
In fact, a new study published in the journal Psychological Science has found that levels of attractiveness mean less than most people think when it comes to the quality of a relationship.
Here’s what they found after surveying 167 couples: Attractiveness was not in any way related to relationship satisfaction.
Couples with lower levels of attractiveness were just as happy in their relationships as couples who were similar in attractiveness.
From the study itself:
“We found that romantic partners who were similarly attractive were no more likely to feel satisfied with their relationship than romantic partners who were not similarly attractive. Specifically, in our sample of dating and married couples, we did not find an association between partner matching in attractiveness and satisfaction with the relationship for either women or men.”
6. Learn to love yourself
No matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, it’s incredibly important to love yourself.
And when you learn to love yourself, not only will you stop caring what other people think of you, but your self-growth will skyrocket
However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.
Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else.
I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.
The turning point for me was watching a free 60 minute love and intimacy masterclass by world renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.
Watching this masterclass made me realize that I’ve been trapped by the ideal of having the perfect romance.
Westerners grow up obsessed with the idea of “romantic love”. We watch TV shows and Hollywood movies about perfect couples living happily ever after.
And naturally we want it for ourselves.
While the idea of romantic love is beautiful, it’s also extremely difficult to achieve.
Experts estimate that the concept has only been around for 250 years. Before this, people got together for more practical reasons — usually for the sake of survival or to have kids.
I started to see that romantic love shouldn’t be the standard by which we judge the success of relationships.
Understanding that the perfect romance doesn’t necessarily exist made me free to live life on my own terms. It also opened me up to having meaningful relationships without needing them to be perfect.
I learned another incredibly important lesson from the shaman Rudá Iandê.
I’m not the typical person that would seek out the advice of a shaman. But Rudá Iandê isn’t your typical shaman.
He has spent a lot of time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon. He even sings shamanic songs and bangs his drums on occasion.
But he’s different in an important way. Rudá Iandê has made shamanism relevant for modern-day society. He has interpreted and communicated it for people like me and you.
People living regular lives.
What I learned from Rudá is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.
In Rudá Iandê’s words:
“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”
Wow. Rudá is right about this.
These words come directly from Rudá Iandê in Ideapod’s free masterclass on love and intimacy. It will be playing on Ideapod for just a short time.
If these words resonate with you, please go and check it out here.
This free masterclass on love and intimacy is a wonderful resource to help you practice self-love.
7. One night stands might not be for you
Now I know what you’re asking: How I meant to meet someone if I’m never going to get past the snap judgments?
Then you need to realize that you’re going to attract someone in an hour or a day. For you, it might take time. Through your personality, your quirky but lovable traits, your humor, and your ability to create a connection. That’s what will eventually lead you to find love.
The best bit?
It’s not going to be built on something superficial like physical attraction. It’s going to be a hell of a lot deeper. And that’s something you will forever be grateful for.
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8. Why you need to stop worrying about your looks
This isn’t easy, especially when you’re convinced that your appearance is negatively affecting your life.
But what you need to realize is that it’s not your ugliness that’s affecting your life, it’s the way you feel about yourself.
If you’re worried about how you look and it’s affecting your self-worth, then there’s no way around it: You will be unhappy.
But if you accept how you look, you’ll be more satisfied and you won’t waste energy worrying.
You’ll also be happier. A study published by Chapman University looked at the factors linked to satisfaction with appearance and weight.
They found that satisfaction with overall appearance was the third strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction:
“Our study shows that men’s and women’s feelings about their weight and appearance play a major role in how satisfied they are with their lives overall,” said David Frederick, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and lead author on the study.
Seeing as accepting how you look is crucially important, let’s turn to practical ways you can do that.
9. How to accept how you look
1) Throw away your conventional, media-defined ideals of beauty: Yes, it’s true that society has a certain standard of beauty. But that doesn’t need to be yours. Stop taking into account the beautiful people you see on TV. Instead, find beauty in people you admire in everyday life.
2) Don’t define yourself by the way you look: I’ve said it time and time again and I’ll say it again: Looks don’t matter. It’s what’s inside that counts. Focus on your personality, your relationships and what you’re passionate about. Turn your focus on the world outside of yourself, rather than focusing on yourself so much.
3) Go cold turkey on the makeup: If you want to truly accept how you look: Try going a day or two without makeup (if you’re a female). You’ll look more natural and your skin will have room to breathe. Not wearing make-up will show you that your appearance really doesn’t make a difference in the way people treat you.
4) Take a break from the mirror: If you want to accept how you look, then you need to take action. And one of those actions is to stop looking in the mirror so much! It just turns your focus inward and you’ll probably continue to focus on your negative traits. Once you learn to stop looking at the mirror, your mood will undoubtedly improve.
5) Focus on being healthy: Don’t be concerned about getting fit because you want to look better. Do it for the health of your body. You want your body to function at its best for a whole variety of reasons, and exercise and eating well will help you achieve that. If you feel good, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.
10. There are some bright sides to being ugly
Stop being a victim. Being ugly has its advantages.
1) People like you for who you are, not for how you look.
Do you know how difficult it is for extremely beautiful people to meet genuine people? People are always trying to “get” something from them, like their number or physical attraction.
Or there are those who want to be “seen” with them so they look cooler themselves.
But with you, you know they’re around you because they genuinely enjoy your company and they like your personality.
It’s much easier for you to develop genuine connections with other people. You don’t have to be as wary of people using you for their own benefit (unless you’re rich, of course!)
2) You’ve learned to accept how you look.
Do you know how many people are insecure because of their looks? But if you’ve learned to accept it, not only are seeing reality for what it is, but you’re not wasting energy worrying about something that really isn’t that important.
You’re a more confident, secure, and high-functioning human being than most people out there.
3) You work on your health and fitness for the right reasons.
You know how important it is to be healthy and fit, not necessarily for the way you look, but for your own health.
That’s why you work out your WHOLE body rather than just focusing on your arms or stomach.
We’ve all seen those chicken-leg dudes. Honestly, they’re not fooling anyone with how self-conscious they are.
11. You have the power to choose what you focus on.
The main point of this article is to realize that looks aren’t worth worrying about. It really is wasted energy.
Yes, it’s important to be fit, healthy and clean. But it’s certainly not worth wasting any emotional energy worrying about how you look.
All that will do is make you unhappy and narcissistic.
But you need to realize that being ugly won’t affect your life negatively unless you let it.
You’ll still be able to create a genuine connection with others and find a long-term partner.
In some respects, you’ve got some significant advantages in those areas because people won’t be using you for superficial reasons because of your looks.
The most important thing is that you accept how you look and move on with creating a life that you love.
12. Ugliness isn’t the absence of beauty
It’s important to remember that ugliness isn’t the absence of beauty.
It’s not the opposite of beauty either. This only serves to narrow our sense of normal.
A quick look at history shows that beauty has been quite diverse.
In the 1600s England, it was more attractive to be pale. Red and tanned skin signaled that you worked outside.
So wealthy women would use a variety of techniques to make themselves paler.
In Ancient Greek, a thick unibrow was attractive for a woman. Ancient Greek art showed women with extremely thick unibrows.
In ancient Japan, woman shaved off their eyebrows and painted them on quite high in the forehead.
What’s more, Japanese women painted their teeth black because this was seen as more attractive!
What I’m trying to show is that beauty has changed drastically as the years have gone by and will continue to change.
There are many different versions of beauty. Just because you don’t fit into this society’s version doesn’t mean much.
After all, many people have different ideas of what beautiful is! There are many different ways for someone to be beautiful.
As they say, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that is different for everyone.
13. Stop worrying about what other people think
This is probably the most important point. One of the reasons I’ve focused so much on acceptance throughout this article is because you won’t react negatively when someone comments on your appearance.
After all, you accept how you look and you know who you are, so whatever anyone says shouldn’t affect you in the slightest.
The truth is, people are going to judge you regardless.
And we all age, so at some point, looks don’t become important.
Whenever I’m caring too much about what other people think of me, I always turn to some great advice from eastern philosophy guru Osho.
It really signifies why it’s important to stop and look inside yourself, rather than hinging your self-worth on outside influences.
Check it out:
“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky because you are still clinging to a false center.
“That false center depends on others, so you are always looking at what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself…
“Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!”
“When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”
“The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom.”
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- What J.K Rowling can teach us about mental toughness
- My life was going nowhere, until I had this one revelation
- How a regular guy became his own life coach (and how you can too)
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