If you have two guys you’re interested in it can feel like too much of a good thing.
It’s exhilarating, it’s confusing, it’s – frankly – a bit overwhelming.
Each of these men has some incredible qualities and the more you get in touch with your mind and your heart the harder it is to even think about choosing one of them over the other.
But at the same time you know that something other than monogamy wouldn’t be up your alley or theirs.
So you know you’ll eventually have to pick one of these special hunks.
Sure, you can date casually at first and enjoy a dinner or two out, but eventually crunch time is going to arrive and the last thing you want is to find yourself juggling two guys in between your busy schedule and their competing affection.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Sooner or later you’ll have to get down to business and choose. And chances are you know on a deeper level which guy means more to you, but there are certain parts of your time with both men that could be clouding your judgment.
It’s good to keep your options open when you’re not sure how you feel, but keeping your options open to string someone along even once you know you’re not fully into them and have stronger feelings for someone else is a bad move.
Whether you have reached this point or one – or both – of the guys you’re into are also asking you to be exclusive and get serious, you’re faced with that old love triangle choice.
Who to choose?
Here are the key questions to ask yourself about these two dashing suitors to find out which one is the guy of your dreams and which one is not quite as good as he seems.
1. What are their intentions?
I know this sounds like a question your dad asks your high school date on the front porch when he shows up to take you to the movies.
But seriously. What are the intentions of these two guys?
This doesn’t need to be a dry and weird talk about “what are you looking for” and pinning them down like a job interview.
It’s more just an honest heart to heart about where your lives are headed and what you’re ready for in life and love.
What do you envision in the future? How important is career versus family?
It’s important to be honest with yourself about this, because even though sometimes it can be a bit unclear, people will eventually show their intentions and how they really feel toward you.
If one of these two potential partners is still swiping around on dating apps or only messages you late at night for a booty call you need to be honest with yourself that even if you’re feeling a connection he’s probably feeling more of an itch – or inch? – in his pants.
Could it be love? Stranger things have happened, but probably not. Then again if you’re looking for more of an exciting adventure right now and feeling overwhelmed by expectations or serious vibes from the other guy then this could be the man for you …
On the other hand if you find yourself aligning with the other guy in your connection and both wanting something more serious then you should honor that coming together and see where it leads. It all depends what you want.
2. What are your intentions?
As the last point says, his intentions and approach to you matters. So does yours to him.
These two guys have their own lives and experiences and core values.
What about yours?
Are you ready to settle down and fall in love or are you feeling more of a desire for something less serious? Being honest and loving with yourself is the first and most vital step in finding true love and intimacy, so practice it as much as possible.
Do you find yourself really resonating with both guys but strongly diverging from the future plans and career focus of one of them?
As unromantic as it might sound, you need to be honest about your intentions and what you’re feeling in relation to these guys’ plans and approach.
You might be head over heels for both of them, but if one is planning to move to Antarctica to study penguins in a small hut and that irks the hell out of you then you need to factor that into your eventual choice.
3. Is he really into you?
The worst part about having strong feelings for someone is when they don’t feel the same. This is especially true when you thought they did or got the wrong impression through their behavior.
Even married couples sometimes find out one of them is not as into the other as they believed and the partnership can sadly crumble.
But it’s still worth your time and energy in choosing between two guys to find out how they really feel toward you.
If they haven’t told you or made it abundantly clear it’s time to put on your detective spectacles and take a good, honest look.
If you need a hand, here are 34 surprising signs that he definitely likes you more than just a little bit.
4. Are your core values aligned?
No matter how much your surface opinions may vary, your core values go much deeper and they should be at least somewhat aligned.
Are you a passionate vegetarian and one of the guys eats meat three times a day? It sounds trivial, but over time this could get to be an issue.
Do you have strong political views that are sharply opposed by one of these fellows? What about your religious or spiritual beliefs?
Keep in mind that there’s no need to be “the same,” on anything. But if you find some of the core values, lifestyle choices and life paths of one of these guys genuinely upsetting or disagreeable to your most fundamental values and priorities in life then as much as you may be attracted to them physically and emotionally they may not be the guy for you.
5. Let me list the ways …
We all know the part of the movie where there’s a sudden plot twist and the audience gasps, or screams – or laughs.
This is the part of this article where I spring a plot twist on you.
You came here to read a list for how to choose between two guys you like, but now I’m going to ask you to make a list.
I know, the space-time continuum just broke open.
But really, grab a notepad and a pen or pencil or finger paint and write down the qualities that attract you in each guy.
Don’t be afraid to be shallow, looks and attraction matters.
So does your shared interest in existential philosophy or reading Ideapod together.
Write it all down and be honest. Nobody has to see this list but you.
What really turns you on about each guy? What is it in your connection that’s memorable and draws you to them? Write it down and then draw a line underneath.
6. What turns you off about them?
Under that list of attractive qualities for each of these two guys you’re going to draw a line and then list what turns you off about them.
Be brutally honest here. Again, the list is only for you (or your good friends when you hang out and have too much wine).
Also again don’t be afraid to be shallow.
Does one of these guys laugh like a donkey? Does one of them have consistently bad breath?
Sorry to be judgmental but that’s important stuff.
On the deeper level does one of them hold political views you find ridiculous and offensive? Does the other one have dismissive attitudes to religion that strongly clash with your own faith?
Write it down. Let it out. This is all important.
7. How do I know when it’s love?
“You look at every face in a crowd
Some shine and some keep you guessin’
Waiting for someone to come into focus
Teach you your final love lesson …”
Rest in peace, Eddie Van Halen …
So yes: how do you know when it’s love? You don’t always know – not right away. But you can think about how you feel around each guy.
Are you being yourself, are you connecting on a profound level?
What’s the overriding emotion in your heart when you do things with them or just sit on the couch together?
What sort of feelings come up when you think about dating a year from now and having dinner together.
Do you feel turned on, excited, inspired and eager? Or do you feel a bit resigned, tired, disappointed and frustrated?
Or maybe a big old hurricane mix of the emotions. Sit with this storm and let it filter out into its component parts. Try doing some meditation to find inner peace in the midst of the whirlwind.
This will help you clarify the situation and how you feel about both guys.
8. Get a little help from your friends
Find out what your friends think. This is especially true of close friends who are willing to be brutally honest with you and who also care enough to weigh in in detail.
Ask them honestly what they think about each guy.
Watch how your friend circle responds to each guy when you go out with him or spend time with your friends together.
He may be dating you, true, but your friends are also an important part of your life and a reflection of who you are.
If he’s clashing, hostile or even indifferent with your friends it’s not a good sign.
If he’s having fun, being friendly and connecting with your friends it’s a clear positive sign.
You have to live your own life and make your own love decisions, but how he behaves around your friends and what they think of him is important and is one of those useful pieces of information you can factor into your choice of which guy to get serious with.
9. How’s the physical connection?
Regardless of how hot and heavy things have – or have not – yet gotten, your level of physical attraction to a man matters enormously.
If you don’t feel a little buzz when he holds your hand or kisses you then there’s likely something missing.
If you’ve slept together and it rocked your world then it’s also something to factor in.
Physical chemistry might be “just” physical in some cases, but it’s not worthless and it’s rarer than many people think.
There’s a big difference between being a “little” turned on by one of these guys and being absolutely dripping around the other one.
Think about which guy you can’t get your hands off of and consider this when choosing a future mate.
10. How’s the emotional and intellectual connection?
On the other hand, as important as physical attraction is, think about how things would be if that was all taken away.
Which guy’s company would you enjoy without any physical intimacy?
Which guy do you feel emotionally more linked to and deep with? How are your discussions and interactions when you spend time together?
Do you find yourself having common ground on multiple levels: do your minds and hearts meet in unexpected and thrilling ways like an old-time love story?
This could be the real thing …
11. Which one wants to know the real you?
Sometimes we can form strong attachments and connections with people due to a situation, or strong chemistry, or shared interests …
Without really getting to know the “real” them … and vice versa.
Does this guy show an interest and openness to getting to know the deeper, hidden sides of you? Or does he resist when you try to open up?
Does he want to keep your relationship on the same level as when you first met and what you first bonded over or is he willing to see new sides of you in all their complexity.
You want to be with the man who wants to get to know the real you no matter where it leads.
12. Which guy can you laugh together with?
The couple that laughs together stays together. I just made that up. Get the new fridge magnets up on the e-store.
But really: if you can laugh together you’ve found a priceless pearl that’s going to enrich and make your relationship enjoyable for years to come.
No matter how into each other you are and all the boxes you check in each other’s love checklists, the right guy for you is going to be the man who can make you laugh and who you can make laugh.
Plus, it’s just a lot of fun and relieves stress to laugh.
13. Which guy are you proud to introduce to your friends and family?
Another good sign of the guy who’s right for you is which guy you feel best introducing to your friends.
The guy you feel proud and blissful having on your arm and being out and about with.
The guy you like so much that you just can’t wait for your friends and those you care about – including your family – to meet him, too, and see what a stellar fellow he is.
14. Which one grows with you and supports you?
All of us can have a little bit of a selfish side, but when we care about someone and fall for them we want what’s best for them and are willing to grow with them.
Which guy supports you in your life? Who is there for you when you’re down even when it’s not pretty?
Which of these guys is willing to grow with you and compromise and see your point of view even when he doesn’t agree?
And which one is just going through the motions?
Are they both growing with you and supporting you? In that case it sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot (please introduce me to the guy you don’t pick).
15. Who do you love?
You can sit and think and analyze for days until the end of time.
But at the end of the day your choice is going to have to be based on what you feel deep down.
That inner voice that’s guiding you to the man you really love.
Sit and reflect, follow your breathing and be right in the present moment.
If Guy A walked through the door how would you feel the first second you saw and hugged him? What about if it was Guy B?
Be completely, entirely, 100%, absolutely, soul-breakingly honest about this.
You will have your answer.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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