Have you been feeling down about yourself lately, wondering what you can do to finally feel adequate for your partner or a crush?
You are not alone with these thoughts, in fact, most people feel that way at some point in their life.
The good news? There are some things you can start doing today to instantly be good enough for someone!
Have I sparked your interest? Trust me, I’ve tried this advice myself, so I can guarantee that it will help you out!
Understanding the roots of insecurity
Before I tell you the steps you can actively take to be good enough for someone, we need to look at the roots of your insecurity.
This is important, if you don’t understand where your feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy come from, you cannot work on them.
Uncovering these root causes will help you with the practical steps to being good enough for someone.
Let me tell you a little secret. Nobody is ever “too good” or “not enough” for someone else. This knowledge will be the key to all the things I am about to teach you.
Understanding that there is no inherent “lack” in you will be crucial in the process of not only knowing that you’re enough but also feeling and embodying it at a core level.
There are many things that can lead to feelings of insufficiency, so I want to talk about the most common ones.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these?
1) Childhood issues
Our experiences as children shape a big portion of our personality, our character traits, and our beliefs about who we are.
Maybe something occurred in your childhood that led you to establish an unhealthy self-image.
The way your parents raised you, the memories you have deeply embedded in your subconscious, and the experiences you had shaped the way you view yourself and the world.
There might have been subliminal messages of you not being good enough (or maybe even people literally telling you).
As detrimental as these experiences can be for your self-confidence, they aren’t life sentences. Identifying them is the first step to becoming free.
This ties in heavily with limiting core beliefs.
Limiting core beliefs are the beliefs you hold about yourself on a subconscious level.
They are recurring thought patterns that hold you back from realizing your greatest potential.
Some limiting beliefs you carry might be:
- I’m not good enough.
- I’m not lovable.
- Nobody truly cares about me.
- Nothing I do is good enough.
- I don’t deserve happiness.
I know these might sound harsh, and that’s because they are. The only thing all of these limiting beliefs have in common is that they are wrong.
They are an attempt from your ego to protect you from painful situations that happened in the past.
The past is not your reality, however, so it’s important to recognize where you are limiting yourself and actively work on it.
To heal limiting beliefs you need to identify them and then, whenever you notice that thought cross your mind, consciously say “no, that is not true.”
You can try using positive affirmations to help with this process.
Over time, you will reprogram your mind to live more in the present and to realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
2) You’re afraid of rejection
Another cause of feeling unworthy can be a deeply-rooted fear of rejection and/or abandonment.
You convince yourself you’re not worthy anyway in order to avoid emotional vulnerability with someone.
After all, if you really believe you’re good enough and they leave or reject you for some reason, that will hurt even more, right?
Unfortunately, that’s an endless vicious cycle of unhappiness you are throwing yourself into.
Understanding that your feelings of inadequacy are an excuse to avoid your fears will be an important step towards healing.
Once you have identified your true fears, it will be easier to work on overcoming them!
3) Past experiences have scarred you
Being hurt can leave us feeling scarred and afraid of feeling that pain ever again.
Feelings of unworthiness can be the result of previous relationships letting us down or hurting us.
It’s completely natural, someone acted like an a**hole and you blame yourself.
In that case, it’s important to recognize that other people’s actions have nothing to do with your inherent worth.
Feeling like it was your fault is not very productive, at least to a certain extent.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with thinking about the part you played in things and working on improving yourself, but that doesn’t mean beating yourself up and feeling inadequate!
You can always improve things about yourself, but no matter where you are in your healing journey, you are good enough at each step of the way!
4) The relationship doesn’t feel secure
Take a closer look at the dynamics in your relationship – is your partner adding to your feelings of inadequacy? Is there a lack of trust because your partner doesn’t make you feel secure?
We shouldn’t blame everything on another person, of course, but sometimes, an unhealthy or toxic situation can make us feel unworthy.
This also ties in with emotional support. Does your partner give you the reassurance you need?
If that’s the case, communication might help, otherwise, you might be better off leaving.
5) Your self-esteem is beaten down in other areas
Feeling unworthy of a romantic partner can be a result of having your self-esteem beaten down in areas completely unrelated to your relationship.
Perhaps you are feeling unfulfilled at work, recently lost a job, are fighting with friends or family, or have anything else going on that is eating away at your confidence.
Confidence is not a pick-and-choose kind of thing, and a lack thereof in one area of your life can influence everything else.
Identify which areas of your life you might need to work on to feel more secure!
6) There have been recent physical changes
A change in our appearance can take a huge toll on our confidence. Has there been a major change in your physical appearance recently?
Sometimes an illness or simply a life situation can cause us to change in ways we don’t love.
This can impact your self-esteem tremendously, making you feel inadequate in all kinds of ways.
If that’s the case, know that your appearance is not tied to your inherent worth at all.
7) Negative self-talk
Last but not least, the way you talk to yourself has a huge impact on how you perceive yourself.
The internal monologue, or the way you talk to yourself all day long, can either boost your confidence or knock it down.
We already talked about limiting beliefs, and that perfectly ties in here, as well.
But I’m not only talking about the big statements of “I am not worthy” etc.
Sometimes we are nasty to ourselves without even realizing it. Try to catch small phrases like “Oh, that was so stupid of me!” and replace them with more gentle ones.
As a rule of thumb, think about whether you would talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself.
How can you be good enough for someone?
Now that we’ve established the root causes of your feelings of inadequacy, let’s dive into the things you can actively do in order to be good enough for someone!
1) What does being enough mean for you?
To know which steps you can actively take towards being good enough, you need to define what being “enough” actually means to you.
There is no universal definition of being good enough, it’s a standard we hold ourselves to, which is completely individual.
Because of that, we oftentimes end up setting our expectations way too high.
To find out how to be good enough for someone, you need to figure out what “enough” is for you, and for them.
What are their core values and needs? What are yours?
Where do you feel inadequate?
When there’s no clarity on what “enough” looks like, it will be hard to meet those standards.
Once there is a clear definition, it’s a lot easier to work on things, be supportive, and the partner they (or you) need.
I can’t tell you what that will look like, as it’s unique for everyone, but make sure that it is something that makes you feel good.
Being enough never means being someone you’re not or doing things you absolutely hate.
2) Embrace yourself
The next step you need to take is embracing who you are at your core.
Unless you fully embrace yourself, it will be hard to feel adequate in the eyes of someone else.
There is no magic spell to feel enough all of a sudden, and it definitely has nothing to do with someone else. It’s a work in process of constantly accepting and loving who you are.
We think that if someone tells us they love us it will make all our doubts go away, but that will only work for a short period of time.
It’s like treating the symptoms of an illness without exploring the core issue causing the problems – it will help momentarily, but the symptoms will keep coming back.
You need to feel good about yourself in order to ever fully believe someone else when they tell you.
Think about your strengths and embrace what they are, but don’t forget about your weaknesses, either.
Acknowledge them and embrace them, so that you learn to understand that you are already enough.
3) Embrace imperfection
Next up we have embracing imperfection. It relates to the previous step.
Our lives are chaotic and full of imperfections, and so are all the people we know. That’s what makes us unique!
In order to feel good enough for someone, you need to learn how to embrace this imperfection in everything, including yourself.
Learn to see your imperfections as things that set you apart from the rest, as well as incentives to evolve and grow!
If you were completely perfect, life would be incredibly boring.
Embracing imperfection essentially just means being realistic!
Forget about all the picture-perfect posts you see on Instagram, the perfect lives portrayed on Facebook, etc.
These things are merely tiny, edited snippets out of people’s days.
Trust me when I say nobody’s life is perfect, and sometimes the people you look up to the most have the greatest mess going on under the surface.
Work with what you have, and use your imperfections as invitations to grow.
No matter where you are in your journey, you are always enough. There is no necessity to prove your worth, as it’s already proven.
4) Be honest at all times and question your own motives
In order to be good enough for someone, you need to take responsibility.
Don’t promise one thing and then do something else.
Being in a relationship with someone has a big effect on their life. YOU have a big effect on their life.
If you genuinely want to be enough, you are already moving in the right direction.
You might want to prove yourself through grand words, and even grander gestures. Make sure that what you promise, you can keep.
I also want you to keep in mind that you don’t need any grand gestures just to be good enough.
Of course, it can be nice to spoil your partner from time to time, but you shouldn’t feel like you are obligated in order to be adequate.
Be careful to not be taken advantage of. Set healthy boundaries with what you are willing to do for someone and question your own motives.
Ask yourself whether you are doing something out of genuine care and love for another person, or because you are afraid that not doing it would make you “not good enough”.
Being honest is more about staying true to your word. When you tell someone you will be there for them through something, don’t leave. If you say you will do someone a favor, don’t ditch them.
Keeping these things in mind, you won’t only be good enough for someone else, but you’ll be good enough for yourself, too.
5) Don’t put your partner on a pedestal
Sometimes, when you don’t feel good enough for someone, it’s because you put them on a pedestal.
When you have an unrealistic image of the person you like, seeing them as utterly “perfect”, and turning a blind eye to their flaws, it can be hard to not transfer these unrealistic expectations unto yourself.
You see them as perfect, so naturally, you need to be perfect, too, in order to be good enough for them.
Do you see the problem here?
We just talked about embracing imperfection earlier, and that also means embracing the imperfection of other people.
Seeing your partner as unflawed and perfect does them no good.
On the contrary, you might even subconsciously pressure them (and yourself) to meet this unrealistic image you have of them.
Do yourself and your relationship a favor, and notice their human flaws. Don’t be a d*ck and point them out all the time, but simply note how they possess these qualities, and you still love them.
This will be important in order to understand that you, too, can be enough and loved with all your flaws.
Nobody in this world is superior, no matter what your perception of them might be. We are all human, we are all imperfect, and that’s beautiful.
6) Talk openly about your feelings
It’s probably my signature phrase by now, but I can’t say it enough:
Communication is key to a happy and healthy relationship.
Open and honest conversations will be important in order to figure out these feelings of inadequacy.
I know, when you already feel unworthy, the last thing you want to do is open up about it to the person you feel inferior to, and get vulnerable.
As hard as it is, it’s also the key to overcoming these negative feelings.
Try to open the conversation in a casual way. Tell them you love them and that you want to be enough for them, but that you struggle with feeling like you’re doing a good job at that.
Explain what you feel (without putting blame on them) and ask them about their perspective.
Chances are that they can reassure you just how amazing of a partner you are.
And worst case they can tell you ways in which you can improve and become a better partner.
This is a good opportunity to reassess whether you are in a loving, supportive relationship, or whether your partner is a reason why you feel the way you do.
Are they telling you how much they appreciate you? That you are already enough just the way you are?
If not, know that you are. There is no need to earn your adequacy or prove your worth.
This conversation will not be easy, but it will pay off, believe me. Not only can you reassure yourself a bit, but you also learn more about one another’s needs.
Open and honest communication is necessary for a healthy, strong relationship.
7) Work on yourself for YOU
I will not lie to you and say that there is nothing in your life you could improve to become a better person, because that’s quite simply a lie.
There are always things we can work on, otherwise life would not be interesting.
The important thing here is your source of motivation to change.
Do you want to lose weight because you feel like your partner might be more attracted to you then?
Try to shift your mindset and lose weight because the exercise and healthier food choices make you feel more energized and strong.
Do you want to read more because you want to seem more intellectual?
Instead, think about what joy reading could bring you, and if it doesn’t sound fun – don’t do it for now, or start with books you love!
Whenever something external is our motivational force for change, we are bound to fail or at least lose momentum very quickly.
External factors can’t inspire lasting change, otherwise our world would look very different to what it does.
You need to find the drive within, change for yourself, not for anyone else!
If you’ve decided that you want to change, but aren’t sure where to start, I have a few ideas for you:
- Meditate for 5, 10, or 15 minutes a day
- Start journaling your thoughts and feelings
- Read one chapter a day
- Move your body every day, even if it’s just a stretching session or a short walk
- Try to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you feel satisfied
- Drink plenty of water every day
- Eat lots of fresh and natural foods, but also have that cake every once in a while!
- Try to sleep enough
- Get a little bit of fresh air and (if possible) sunshine every day, even if just for 5 minutes!
- Go through your wardrobe and get rid of what doesn’t feel like “you”, buy some things you feel comfortable in
- Try out a new hairstyle, get a fresh cut
- Get your nails done
Do not try to do all of this at once, the all-or-nothing mentality will not help, but will instead overwhelm you until you stop altogether.
Try out a few of these things, and over time, these changes will add up.
Again, I want to emphasize that you should only do what feels good to you, and do it for yourself, nobody else.
All these ideas help with cultivating a sense of self-love and appreciation into your days.
Which habits or ideas are you most intrigued by? Start there, and add on to it as you go.
The better you feel about yourself, the easier it will be to realize your inherent worth.
Fall in love with taking care of yourself. It’s a beautiful practice that will bring you an enormous amount of joy.
You are already good enough
To end this article, I hope you got the key idea I was trying to bring across with each of these points:
You are already good enough.
Sure, there are things you can improve and change, but that has nothing to do with being good enough for someone.
Everybody on this planet has their flaws and quirks, and yet they are still good enough.
When you have trouble seeing this, try to see the imperfections in the people you look up to. If they can make mistakes, you can, too.
Embrace the essence of who you are, with all your imperfections.
Talk openly to your partner about how you feel so you can find solutions together.
When you decide to work on yourself, do it for the right reasons, namely self-love.
And if you need to work hard to prove to someone that you are good enough, maybe, just maybe, they aren’t good enough for you, and you’re better off without them.
I know it’s scary to think about, but somebody who makes you feel inadequate is never the best option. Being alone for a while beats that by far.
Remember your worth and don’t settle for any less!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.