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How long should I wait for him to ask me out? 4 important tips

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How long should I wait for him to ask me out?

Are you asking yourself this question?

Let me go out on a limb here and guess that you’ve been chatting to a guy for a while (perhaps even flirting) and he hasn’t asked you out yet.

You thought he liked you, but now you’re second-guessing whether he actually has feelings for you.

After all, guys are meant to be the ones who initiate dates and attraction.

While there might be many reasons a guy hasn’t asked you out, let’s go over some different scenarios of what’s a normal timeframe for a guy to ask you out and then we’ll talk about what you can do about it.

1. If it’s online, expect at least one week

I’m not sure if you’ve been chatting to this guy online or offline, so let’s start with online chatting (like tinder or any other app).

To research for this article, I surveyed the Hack Spirit email list (40,158 subscribers, mostly female).

I asked what the average amount of Tinder chatting time before their match asked them out on a date.

Here are the results:

Less than 24 hours: 8323
1-3 days: 5342
3-7 days: 5480
1-2 weeks: 17456
2-4 weeks: 3219
Longer than one month: 326
3 months or longer: 12

As you can see, it is common to be chatting for at least a week before a guy asks them out on a date.

But guys generally don’t wait longer than 2 weeks.

Now I’m sure if you’re Googling, “How long should I wait for a guy to ask me out?” then perhaps you’ve been chatting to your guy for longer than 2 weeks.

While it’s not ideal, don’t panic. Later in the article we’ll talk about the different reasons some guys may take longer to ask you out.

2. The optimum online chatting time is 1-2 weeks

According to dating expert Hayley Quinn, one to two weeks of chatting is the optimum amount of time before going on a date.

Why?

Because this gives you time to get to know them, but not too much time for the spark to fizzle out.

Furthermore, if you chat with someone for too long you’ll likely build up an idea about what they’re going to be like in your head, and if that image doesn’t match up to reality, then you’ll be disappointed.

According to Quinn, one of the best indicators that someone is actually into you is how quickly they’re willing to meet up with you in person.

If somebody doesn’t want to meet up for quite a while (let’s say one month) then dating clearly isn’t a priority for them.

Now as I said, if your man has been chatting to you for longer than 2 weeks, don’t panic. There are good reasons why some guys take longer (I’ll go over them below), but if those reasons don’t seem to be the case for your man, then unfortunately it may point to the fact that he just isn’t that interested in you.

3. If you work or go to school together, then expect longer

This is clearly going to depend on the level of interaction between the two of you. Are in the same class together? Coworkers?

If you’re in a mutually shared environment like a workplace or classroom, then it’s going to take longer than a couple of weeks.

Why?

Because he needs to make sure that you’re actually into him. Otherwise it’s too risky.

After all, he is going to see you every day for quite a while, and if you reject his advances then it’s going to get awkward.

We all know how long it took Jim to ask out Pam in the Office.

So in a real-life scenario like above, I’d expect that it will take him longer than a month (and perhaps even 3 months).

However, in these scenarios, it’s important that you give him subtle hints to ask you out, otherwise it might never happen.

Guys don’t want to risk creating an awkward situation.

Here are some signs you can use that show a girl likes a guy:

– Smiling at him
– Shooting short glances his way
– Making prolonged eye contact with him
– Running fingers through your hair
– Licking your lips
– Exposing your neck
– Tilting your head towards you
– Lightly touching him on the arm
– Laughing at his jokes
– Caressing an object in your hands while looking at him

4. If you’re just running into him casually, and there’s no barrier to him asking you out (like being coworkers) then expect a couple weeks

If you run into this guy casually every now and then, and there is no expectation between you and the guy (like being in the same classroom or being coworkers) then it shouldn’t take him too long to ask you out.

I’d say one month is the maximum amount of time it would take him to ask you out if you’re running into him once or twice a week.

The amount of times you run into him is more important than the length of time, so expect an average of 4 meetings before he asks you out.

However, some guys will be very quick here and will ask you out within the first couple of times of meeting you.

That will depend on how forward, confident and direct he is.

Again, if you’re waiting for this guy to ask you out, you can drop subtle hints to move him along.

You can let him know that you’re single and see what he does.

How long should I wait for him to ask me out?

Based on the information above, you’d wait a month (at most) for him to ask you out (unless you’re co-workers or classmates).

But I believe that what is more important is to ask yourself: What is our connection like?

If you’re convinced that you have a strong connection with this guy then you have two options:

1. Wait longer for this guy to ask you out (while giving him subtle hints)

2. Ask him out yourself

Is rejection really that big of a deal?

Is we’ll point out below, there are plenty of reasons a guy might not be asking you out, and one of them is the fact that he thinks you’re not interested in him.

If he is not asking you out because he thinks you don’t like him, then you’d kick yourself if you didn’t do something about it right now.

Below we’ll go over different scenarios that uncover the reasons why behind why your guy is taking so long to ask you out, and then we’ll talk about some seduction secrets to get this guy to ask you out.

Why some guys take longer to ask out a girl

If your man is taking longer than the averages I’ve shared above, then don’t worry. There might be legitimate reasons he is taking longer.

Here are some common reasons why he hasn’t asked you out yet:

1. His heart might be broken

This is an important consideration. Breakups are tough on anyone. He might still be struggling to process his emotions and move on.

While there might be undeniable chemistry between the two of you, he just isn’t ready for another relationship yet.

To figure out if this is the case, ask him about his previous relationships. If you’ve been chatting for over a couple of weeks, I’m sure he will be honest with you.

What can you do if he is heartbroken?

Not much really. Heartbreak heals with time, so you’re going to have to wait for him to process his feelings and move on. Whether or not you want to wait for that moment is up to you.

2. He might be incredibly busy with work or study

Guys tend to think more practically than girls, and “time” and “money” are practical concerns that stop a man from dating.

Why are men like this?

Because a guy has a need to feel secure before dating and he also wants to make sure he can provide and care for the woman he is dating.

Maybe your guy is going through a tough time financially. Or perhaps he is completely time-crunched with work or study.

But if he feels like he doesn’t have the means or the energy to invest in the woman he adores, then he probably won’t ask you out until he is over these concerns.

Can you do anything?

It can be tough to change a guy’s thinking on this. But if you can organize a low-key coffee with him, then you can perhaps reinforce the “low-maintenance” kind of gal you are.

This will help him see that he doesn’t need to invest ridiculous amounts of time or money with you.

But if you feel like his mind-set is pretty set in stone, then it might not be worth your time.

3. He doesn’t think you’re interested

This is a constant struggle many men face. They have a low opinion of themselves and tend to think that most girls they interact with simply aren’t interested.

It’s actually a defense mechanism to protect them from getting rejected.

In fact, a 2013 study found that men were more likely to misinterpret when a woman was sending signals that she was into them than when she was sending signals that she only wanted to be friends.

What can you do if this is the case?

Simple, you need to let him know that you’re interested in him. Perhaps you don’t want to be straightforward, but it could be something as simple as, “Hey, I really enjoyed chatting with you”. Yep, that really is all.

4. He isn’t interested in you

This one you didn’t want to hear. But if he is taking longer than the averages above, it stands to reason that he might not be interested in you.

It sucks, but it happens.

But you don’t want to jump to that conclusion because he might be heartbroken or he might think that you’re not interested in him.

So you need to do some investigative work to figure out what really is this guy’s issue.

How to get your guy to ask you out

Okay, so knowing averages of how long it takes for a guy to ask you out and the reasons why he hasn’t asked you out yet might be interesting but it doesn’t get you what you want, does it?

So if you want to get this guy to ask you out, you need to give him a nudge.

Here are some simple ways to give him a nudge to get him to ask you out.

1. Look at your body language when you interact with him

If you don’t want to ask him with actual language, ask him with body language. The way you move, sit, and stand are all vital means of communication.

You know how if you’re chatting to someone you like (or even on a date with them) and you get that weird feeling that they’re definitely not that into you?

That’s down to body language.

Even if you’re not conscious of anything specific, that vibe you get that they can’t wait to be anywhere else is all because of body language.

And it works the other way around too.

To show your guy that you’re interested and want them to ask you out, make sure you look at him and keep eye contact (don’t stare, but maybe use just a little more eye contact than you’re comfortable with).

You might think that looking away or at your shoes is being cute and coy. He’ll just think you want to get away from him.

Angle yourself towards him, keeping your arms away from your chest and your feet pointed towards him.

Crossing your arms across your body and your feet pointed away from his body looks defensive.

Finally, and this is the scary bit, touch him. Not in a creepy way. But just brush his arm lightly when you go to pick up your drink, or if you stand up.

If he’s starting to think the same way as you, that little touch will make him think you might just be feeling the same. And that might be all he needs to ask you on a date.

Here are some body language cues you can use to get your guy to ask you out:

Here are some signs that show a girl likes a guy:

– Smiling at him
– Shooting short glances his way
– Making prolonged eye contact with him
– Running fingers through your hair
– Licking your lips
– Exposing your neck
– Tilting your head towards you
– Lightly touching him on the arm
– Laughing at his jokes
– Caressing an object in your hands while looking at him

2. Make him feel like a hero

If you want to get a guy to ask you out, then you need to tap into his primal instincts. Something he desperately needs.

What is it?

For any guy to fall for a woman, he needs to feel like her provider and protector. He needs to feel genuinely admired.

In other words, he needs to feel like your hero.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous. After all, you’re an independent woman. You don’t need a man to be your “hero” and rescue you!

And look, I couldn’t agree more.

But the ironic truth is this:

Men still need to feel like a hero.

Why?

Because it’s built into their biology to seek out relationships that allow them to fulfill the role of being a provider and protector.

Your man has a thirst for admiration, and he wants to step up to the plate to protect you.

Therefore, if you can make him feel like a hero, it will unleash his protective instinct and he’ll have no choice but to ask you out.

Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of love and attraction.

And the kicker?

He won’t ask you out if this thirst isn’t satisfied.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It was coined “the hero instinct” by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

Bauer says that you can’t trigger the hero instinct just by giving him admiration the next time you see him.

Men don’t like receiving participation awards just for showing up. He wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.

How?

You don’t need to engineer a scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car.

He wants to be your hero, not an action hero.

But there are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.

And because no man can resist a woman who makes him feel like a hero, it’s worth learning a few of these emotional trigger points.

If you want to learn more about this powerful technique (from the man who invented it), then check out his short video here.

Top tip:

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed relationship with you.

The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.

Talking with Pearl about her experience is how I was introduced to the concept myself. Since then, I’ve written about it extensively on Hack Spirit.

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I think this is one of them.

That’s why I recommend watching this free online video where you can learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your guy.

3. Drop some hints

If you’re only chatting to this guy online, then you need to drop him some hints in conversation.

Steer your conversation around directly to the subject of dating and relationships.

You’ll have to be a bit brave, but it might just be the only way to get that date.

You could talk about how you’re single, and how you miss having someone to cook your favorite dinner for.

Or you could ask him what his perfect date would be. He’ll be in no doubt what you want him to do next.

If you really can’t do it, try and talk to his friends. If he’s into you, they’ll know about it. They might even have been looking for a way to help him out.

Find a friend or two of his that you think you can trust, and tell them straight out that you’re interested.

If the feeling’s mutual, the information is guaranteed to get back to your guy and you’ll have your date.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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