If your husband’s had an affair you are probably tortured by thoughts of the other woman.
As much as you think about the mistress, you’re also really curious to know how she feels about you too.
Although every situation is unique, here are 7 incredibly common thoughts the mistress has about the wife.
How does the other woman feel about the wife?
1) “I’m not going to think about her”
Let’s face it, nothing kills the mood quite like guilt.
In a lot of cases, and particularly during the early stages of an affair, the other woman usually avoids thinking about the wife as much as possible.
Doing so is confrontational. It prompts her to consider the consequences of her actions and how her choices impact everyone involved.
Does the other woman feel guilty? Of course, the answer depends on the woman. But the overwhelming majority of us (81% of people) say that cheating is always wrong.
So it’s safe to assume that taking part in an affair is going to carry with it a certain amount of guilt. For some women, a way of handling that is to avoid thinking about the wife altogether for as long as possible.
It’s totally natural to wonder how the other woman perceives the wife. Although it can sound cruel to say it, the wife is generally not a topic of conversation.
That way, both the husband and mistress can protect themselves from having to face reality.
Probing a married man about his wife too much is likely to scare him off. So the touchy subject of his wife at home is a taboo one that is largely avoided.
That’s why sometimes it’s only when the affair is over that the other woman starts to truly feel remorse.
It’s far easier for both the husband and the other woman to live in denial. So the brutal truth when you’re wondering what the other woman thinks of you is actually, in most instances, she probably doesn’t think of you.
Rather than hate the wife, plenty of mistresses prefer not to think of them at all.
2) “She doesn’t deserve him”
Another defense mechanism we often fall back on in order to avoid guilt is justification.
We find excuses that make our actions seem more reasonable. It’s a way of being on your own side in life.
Giving the wife some responsibility for what has happened is a good way of shifting blame.
The mistress may be able to justify her behavior by saying something along the lines of: “She hasn’t been treating him right” or “she doesn’t appreciate him like I do”.
Of course, not all women will vilify the wife. But it is a tactic that is used.
If you’ve ever wondered why the other woman hates the wife, the truth is that she sees the wife as standing in the way of her own happiness.
So it becomes a ‘me or her’ type situation.
It can even be fuelled by things that the husband has said to sweet-talk her.
Even if the other woman does find excuses to blame the wife, ultimately, finding flaws in the wife is about jealousy.
At the end of the day, the wife has what she wants and that is infuriating.
3) “She’s not right for him”
A lot of the most common thoughts a mistress might have about the wife will center around vindicating what has taken place.
The implication with the married couple not being right for one another is that if he were happy at home, he wouldn’t have done it.
There’s also some wishful thinking in there too. The subtext is that the other woman can somehow succeed in making him happy because they are better suited to one another.
Not only does this mean she can tell herself that they will have a better future. But it also lets them off the hook by suggesting bigger forces are at play.
Rather than a choice to have an affair, her actions are almost the righting of a “wrong” match.
4) “What has she got that I don’t?”
It might surprise you to realize that some of the thoughts you have had about the other woman, she has probably had about you too.
If you find out your husband had an affair, it’s difficult not to end up comparing yourself to her. But you can guarantee that the same can be said for her too. Especially if she has known about you all along.
A husband’s infidelity is a betrayal that most likely shakes your confidence and damages your self-esteem as much as it does your marriage.
But whatever intimacies, whether physical or emotional, that they may have shared, during your married years you will have shared far many more.
You know him better than anyone else, and in ways she never will. If you have children together this is a bond that can never be undone.
The shared history and past experiences you have with your husband tie you together. This is bound to be incredibly threatening to the other woman.
Don’t assume she must think she is better than you and feels super confident about everything.
The facts are that the man that she wants a man who is someone else’s husband. And that’s bound to leave her wondering about the connection that you and your husband have.
5) “I pity her”
Many mistresses confess to feeling pity towards the wife.
The other woman knows that the husband has been lying to his wife, deceiving and betraying her.
She may misguidedly believe that she on the other hand at least hasn’t been lied to (although what she may not realize is that there are plenty of lies men tell their mistresses).
As one mistress admitted on Quora:
“I knew the reality of what was going on and the wife was just getting a slew of lies. I pitied her for her ongoing gullibility. He lied to her all the years of the affair, he lied to her when we eventually got caught…so yes I pitied her quite a bit”.
6) “I feel sad and sorry for her”
It’s easy to imagine that the other woman is a callous and uncaring type who simply doesn’t give a damn whatsoever about the damage she has been part of creating.
Fuelled from the hurt and anger after the fallout of an affair, it’s easy to understand why you might assume this. But as I’ve already said, guilt is difficult to escape.
Plenty of mistresses will feel remorse for their actions and feel sorry for the wife.
Rather than try to vilify or blame the wife, they realize that she has done absolutely nothing wrong and is the innocent victim.
Even when the other woman wants to continue the affair, she may still feel sorry for the wife. As one mistress explained to the Guardian newspaper:
“I feel guilty about the terrible hurt his wife would feel if she did find out about the affair. But I don’t feel guilty about having an affair in the first place.”
7) “I envy her”
Yes, it’s true. Jealousy towards the wife is very common for a mistress to experience.
After all, he married you. You are his wife. You are the woman he goes home to every night. Your moments together are not stollen ones. Your life together is out in the open and not clouded in secrecy. There is no guilt or shame involved in your relationship together. He loved you enough to marry you and make a commitment.
These are not things that can be said for the other woman when she is taking part in an affair.
As Nicola explained to Mashable about her affair with a married man:
“I was so envious that she’d got there first, that she got to have him come home to her.”
For all the understandable pain you feel as the wife whose husband has had an affair, don’t forget that being the mistress is a vulnerable position to be in.
If she is single and without a family of her own, she is likely to be lonely.
The stats show that very few affairs lead to long-term relationships. In fact, most last only between 6-24 months.
The odds of the situation turning out well for her are not in her favor. This can lead to a great deal of envy towards the wife.
How does being the other woman feel?
Hopefully, this list of thoughts and feelings the other woman has towards the wife will have given you a big insight into how it feels to be her.
The other woman often feels a mixture of envy and guilt. She likely feels bad about the affair, whilst simultaneously justifying it to herself.
Whatever the reason, she has probably told herself one or more excuses to explain to herself why she did it.
That might be that the feelings are too strong, that the husband isn’t happy at home, or that the wife is “crazy” or unreasonable somehow.
But either way, you can expect her to be feeling a wide mix of emotions including:
It’s not about the other woman
Having thoughts about the other woman when you discover an affair is totally natural.
You are bound to be incredibly curious about this woman who has suddenly become entwined in your marriage.
Whilst it’s normal, ultimately getting too engrossed in thoughts of her is a red herring. Your marriage is between two people, and she is not one of those people.
As indefensible as affairs are, the real betrayal came from your own partner.
Your energy is best spent taking care of yourself or on trying to heal your marriage if you want to try and make it work.
Get help mending your marriage
Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth saving. There are undoubtedly many hurdles along the way, but it can be done.
If it’s something you decide you want to try and do, then I highly recommend a course called Mend the Marriage. It’s by famous relationship expert Brad Browning.
If you’re reading this article on the other woman, then chances are your marriage isn’t what it used to be… and maybe it’s so bad, that you feel like your world is falling apart.
You feel like all the passion, love, and romance have completely faded.
You feel like you and your partner can’t stop yelling at each other.
You may feel like you have lost him altogether.
And maybe you feel that there’s almost nothing you can do to save your marriage, no matter how hard you try.
But you’re wrong.
You CAN save your marriage — even if you’re the only one trying.
If you feel like your marriage is worth fighting for, then do yourself a favor and watch this quick video from relationship expert Brad Browning that will teach you everything you need to know about salvaging the most important thing in the world:
You’ll learn the 3 critical mistakes that most couples commit that rip marriages apart. Most couples will never learn how to fix these three simple mistakes.
You’ll also learn a proven “Marriage Saving” method that’s simple and incredibly effective.
Bottomline: How does a woman feel after cheating?
It may offer little comfort for the pain you are experiencing right now. But the truth is that the other woman isn’t going to feel great either.
As we’ve seen the psychological effects of being the other woman can be very damaging.
Nobody really comes out a “winner” from an affair. It leaves lots of pain and destruction in its path.
Saving the relationship when you’re the only one trying is tough but it doesn’t always mean your relationship should be scrapped.
Because if you still love your spouse, what you really need is a plan of attack to mend your marriage.
Many things can slowly infect a marriage—distance, lack of communication, and sexual issues. If not dealt with correctly, these problems can metamorphosize into infidelity and disconnectedness.
When someone asks me for advice to help save failing marriages, I always recommend relationship expert and divorce coach Brad Browning.
Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving marriages. He is a best-selling author and dispenses valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.
The strategies Brad reveals in it are extremely powerful and might be the difference between a “happy marriage” and an “unhappy divorce”.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.