Pearl Nash
If your husband’s had an affair you are probably tortured by thoughts of the other woman.
As much as you think about the mistress, you’re also really curious to know how she feels about you too.
Although every situation is unique, here are 7 incredibly common thoughts the mistress has about the wife.
How does the other woman feel about the wife?
1) “I’m not going to think about her”
Let’s face it, nothing kills the mood quite like guilt.
In a lot of cases, and particularly during the early stages of an affair, the other woman usually avoids thinking about the wife as much as possible.
Doing so is confrontational. It prompts her to consider the consequences of her actions and how her choices impact everyone involved.
Does the other woman feel guilty? Of course, the answer depends on the woman. But the overwhelming majority of us (81% of people) say that cheating is always wrong.
So it’s safe to assume that taking part in an affair is going to carry with it a certain amount of guilt. For some women, a way of handling that is to avoid thinking about the wife altogether for as long as possible.
It’s totally natural to wonder how the other woman perceives the wife. Although it can sound cruel to say it, the wife is generally not a topic of conversation.
That way, both the husband and mistress can protect themselves from having to face reality.
Probing a married man about his wife too much is likely to scare him off. So the touchy subject of his wife at home is a taboo one that is largely avoided.
That’s why sometimes it’s only when the affair is over that the other woman starts to truly feel remorse.
It’s far easier for both the husband and the other woman to live in denial. So the brutal truth when you’re wondering what the other woman thinks of you is actually, in most instances, she probably doesn’t think of you.
Rather than hate the wife, plenty of mistresses prefer not to think of them at all.
2) “She doesn’t deserve him”
Another defense mechanism we often fall back on in order to avoid guilt is justification.
We find excuses that make our actions seem more reasonable. It’s a way of being on your own side in life.
Giving the wife some responsibility for what has happened is a good way of shifting blame.
The mistress may be able to justify her behavior by saying something along the lines of: “She hasn’t been treating him right” or “she doesn’t appreciate him like I do”.
Of course, not all women will vilify the wife. But it is a tactic that is used.
If you’ve ever wondered why the other woman hates the wife, the truth is that she sees the wife as standing in the way of her own happiness.
So it becomes a ‘me or her’ type situation.
It can even be fuelled by things that the husband has said to sweet-talk her.
Even if the other woman does find excuses to blame the wife, ultimately, finding flaws in the wife is about jealousy.
At the end of the day, the wife has what she wants and that is infuriating.
3) “She’s not right for him”
A lot of the most common thoughts a mistress might have about the wife will center around vindicating what has taken place.
The implication with the married couple not being right for one another is that if he were happy at home, he wouldn’t have done it.
There’s also some wishful thinking in there too. The subtext is that the other woman can somehow succeed in making him happy because they are better suited to one another.
Not only does this mean she can tell herself that they will have a better future. But it also lets them off the hook by suggesting bigger forces are at play.
Rather than a choice to have an affair, her actions are almost the righting of a “wrong” match.
4) “What has she got that I don’t?”
It might surprise you to realize that some of the thoughts you have had about the other woman, she has probably had about you too.
If you find out your husband had an affair, it’s difficult not to end up comparing yourself to her. But you can guarantee that the same can be said for her too. Especially if she has known about you all along.
A husband’s infidelity is a betrayal that most likely shakes your confidence and damages your self-esteem as much as it does your marriage.
But whatever intimacies, whether physical or emotional, that they may have shared, during your married years you will have shared far many more.
You know him better than anyone else, and in ways she never will. If you have children together this is a bond that can never be undone.
The shared history and past experiences you have with your husband tie you together. This is bound to be incredibly threatening to the other woman.
Don’t assume she must think she is better than you and feels super confident about everything.
The facts are that the man that she wants a man who is someone else’s husband. And that’s bound to leave her wondering about the connection that you and your husband have.
5) “I pity her”
Many mistresses confess to feeling pity toward the wife.
The other woman knows that the husband has been lying to his wife, deceiving and betraying her.
She may misguidedly believe that she on the other hand at least hasn’t been lied to (although what she may not realize is that there are plenty of lies men tell their mistresses).
As one mistress admitted on Quora:
“I knew the reality of what was going on and the wife was just getting a slew of lies. I pitied her for her ongoing gullibility. He lied to her all the years of the affair, he lied to her when we eventually got caught…so yes I pitied her quite a bit”.
6) “I feel sad and sorry for her”
It’s easy to imagine that the other woman is a callous and uncaring type who simply doesn’t give a damn whatsoever about the damage she has been part of creating.
Fuelled from the hurt and anger after the fallout of an affair, it’s easy to understand why you might assume this. But as I’ve already said, guilt is difficult to escape.
Plenty of mistresses will feel remorse for their actions and feel sorry for the wife.
Rather than try to vilify or blame the wife, they realize that she has done absolutely nothing wrong and is the innocent victim.
Even when the other woman wants to continue the affair, she may still feel sorry for the wife. As one mistress explained to the Guardian newspaper:
“I feel guilty about the terrible hurt his wife would feel if she did find out about the affair. But I don’t feel guilty about having an affair in the first place.”
7) “I envy her”
Yes, it’s true. Jealousy towards the wife is very common for a mistress to experience.
After all, he married you. You are his wife. You are the woman he goes home to every night. Your moments together are not stollen ones. Your life together is out in the open and not clouded in secrecy. There is no guilt or shame involved in your relationship together. He loved you enough to marry you and make a commitment.
These are not things that can be said for the other woman when she is taking part in an affair.
As Nicola explained to Mashable about her affair with a married man:
“I was so envious that she’d got there first, that she got to have him come home to her.”
For all the understandable pain you feel as the wife whose husband has had an affair, don’t forget that being the mistress is a vulnerable position to be in.
If she is single and without a family of her own, she is likely to be lonely.
The stats show that very few affairs lead to long-term relationships. In fact, most last only between 6-24 months.
The odds of the situation turning out well for her are not in her favor. This can lead to a great deal of envy towards the wife.
How does being the other woman feel?
Hopefully, this list of thoughts and feelings the other woman has towards the wife will have given you a big insight into how it feels to be her.
The other woman often feels a mixture of envy and guilt. She likely feels bad about the affair, whilst simultaneously justifying it to herself.
Whatever the reason, she has probably told herself one or more excuses to explain to herself why she did it.
That might be that the feelings are too strong, that the husband isn’t happy at home, or that the wife is “crazy” or unreasonable somehow.
But either way, you can expect her to be feeling a wide mix of emotions including:
- guilt
- remorse
- shame
- pity
- sadness
- envy
- jealousy
- frustration
