If your husband is having an affair, the automatic assumption is he’s done with you.
But when he claims to still love you, it brings up all sorts of questions.
If he’s not lying, then how is this even possible?
Can your husband carry on an affair while still genuinely loving you?
How can my husband love me and have an affair? 10 things you need to know
1) The monogamy gap
Are men just born cheaters? Believing such a thing could be seen as a bit of a negative view of men, but according to some social science researchers, it’s a biological fact.
In his book The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating, author Eric Anderson controversially argues that men are hardwired to cheat.
As a Professor of Sociology at a leading UK university, Anderson did a study of 120 men. He found that the vast majority who had cheated did so because they were bored of sex with their wives and partners, not because they had fallen out of love.
Similar studies into infidelity on the female side have found that the primary reason women cheat isn’t physical, but is most often feeling ignored or emotionally unsatisfied by their spouse.
This is a big gap and it makes a big difference.
2) He wants to have his cake and eat it too
Due to many men seeing affairs as a physical outlet, they often feel that they can have the best of both worlds:
A caring wife at home who’s a reliable partner and friend.
And hot sex with various women outside the home in between their busy schedules.
Needless to say, this is a very toxic worldview. It also brings up the elephant in the room:
Why is your husband bored with sex at home?
Sadly, many women blame themselves when it’s not their fault in any way. Particularly if your husband had a history of dating many women before your marriage, he may begin “jonesing” for multiple new partners when he feels tired of sex with you.
Generally, the reason is simple:
He craves the thrill of the chase and the allure of a new woman and her unique curves, energy, and sexual style.
3) His inner hero isn’t triggered by you
Another one of the possible reasons why your husband may love you but still be cheating is that he feels like something is missing in your marriage.
For many men, an affair is about sex.
But buried underneath that sexual desire, there’s often a romantic hole that they want to be filled.
And that gap is often empty because they aren’t getting what they truly need from their wife or girlfriend.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12-word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
4) Sometimes it’s about more than just sex
As I said in the last point, sometimes it’s about more than just sex.
A failure to trigger his hero instinct is a serious concern, but many other relationship issues can also rear their ugly head and lead to cheating.
Most common apart from him feeling he isn’t a real man around you and can’t be the “hero” he craves to be, is that he’s upset at you and wants to get back at you.
Many men cheat for the first time after a big fight with their wife, or after a blowup which makes them feel unseen and unappreciated in the relationship.
Of course, you could argue that they were already looking for this pretext and were just a hammer in search of a nail.
But either way, men who cheat are not usually in a happy marriage.
They may still love you, but they don’t necessarily love you.
Let me explain:
5) He loves you, but he doesn’t like you
Love goes through many phases. It’s generally made up of three levels: physical, emotional, and intellectual.
How hot you are for each other, how strong your feelings are for the other person and how great your conversations and mental connection are.
Love generally starts out on one of these levels and then branches out. Sometimes it remains more on one of these levels.
In rare cases, it’s balanced between all three.
More often these levels wax and wane. Your husband may still love you on an emotional level, but find you less interesting and sexy than he did when he first met you.
He then uses this as a pretext and excuses to cheat, instead of working on the marriage as he should.
6) He’s feeling overlooked in the marriage
Part of not feeling like the hero he was biologically wired to be is that a man can end up feeling overlooked.
The rise of women in the workplace and in relationships has been great to see, but it’s also left some men out in the cold.
It’s not that they need to be macho or dominate, it’s just that they’re hankering to be useful in old ways which women no longer seem to need from them.
“Many have lost their place in their marriage. Men want to feel useful, purposeful and admired for their use and purpose.
When women are too independent and don’t ‘need’ their partner for anything, men can become lost in where their place is.”
This relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.
When a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to completely stop having affairs and commit only to you.
And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over a text.
You can learn exactly what to do by watching this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.
7) A lot depends on how your husband feels and acts
One key thing to understand about married men who have affairs is that they’re all different and all have different motivations.
Although men are often more motivated by sexual adventurism than women, this is not always the case.
What is clear is that you have to deal with the cards you’re dealt.
If your husband is not sorry about having an affair, there’s not a lot you can do.
The first step to even beginning to believe him that his love is true has to come from his genuine remorse and shame.
“If the one committing the offense is hardhearted, unwilling to accept responsibility, and chooses not to commit and honor the relationship, then it wouldn’t be in the other’s best interest to reconcile and allow them to continue acting in a destructive manner.”
8) He may truly regret what he did
In some cases, your husband may truly be sorry about what he did.
The question is whether he’s sorry about getting caught or would feel awful regardless.
The second kind of man is a keeper, the first kind is a man who will just cheat on you again when he’s provided with enough opportunity and temptation.
Nonetheless, there are times that a man is truly sorry for what he did and still wants to make the marriage work.
As an anonymous writer says about her cheating husband at the Scary Mommy blog, he was deeply ashamed after she caught him cheating.
He did everything he could to make it up to her, including recognizing that he’d never be able to undo the hurt.
And even though it’s still tough for her to feel the same about him some days, she still loves him and now knows that he really does still love her.
“I stayed because my family is worth fighting for.
I stayed because I love the man I exchanged vows with, even though we have both broken some vows.
I stayed because my husband loves me.”
9) He feels you’re getting too needy
Another reason that your husband may love you but have an affair is that he feels you’re getting too needy.
While he loves and cares about you, he feels like you’re asking too much of him and expecting him to fill in your life for you.
Men love to be a hero for a woman and be needed.
But a woman who’s emotionally needy and constantly seeking attention and validation is entirely different.
If you feel that you are asking too much of your husband’s time and attention and it’s driving him away, I have a suggestion.
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learned about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
10) He’s unfairly expecting a blank check for forgiveness
Last and most importantly, if your husband says he still loves you but the affair was just a temporary slip up, don’t feel any obligation to give him a pass.
He has no right to just expect you to forgive him automatically or to hold the costliness of divorce and custody battles over your head as a threat.
It’s you and only you who decide whether there’s anything left in this marriage.
As Joshua Coleman writes about a woman called Janice who and her husband’s affair:
“If you are the person who has been betrayed—whether it’s by an affair, losing savings to your spouse’s gambling, or learning that your spouse spoke harshly about you behind your back—rebuilding trust can be staggeringly difficult.”
Drawing the line
You don’t have to tolerate being cheated on or think that it’s “the price of love.”
And no matter what the reason your husband is cheating on you, it’s not up to you to give him justifications or cover for his behavior.
By now you should have a better idea of just how conflicted a man can be.
So the key now is getting through to your man in a way that empowers both him and you.
I mentioned the concept of the hero instinct earlier — by appealing directly to his primal instincts, you won’t only solve this issue, but you’ll take your relationship further than ever before.
And since this free video reveals exactly how to trigger your man’s hero instinct, you could make this change from as early as today.
With James Bauer’s incredible concept, he’ll see you as the only woman for him. So if you’re ready to take that plunge, before sure to check out the video now.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.