His Secret Obsession Review (2023): Is It Worth It? My Verdict

His Secret Obsession is a new relationship book by James Bauer that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment.

According to His Secret Obsession, getting a man to commit fully ― and love deeply ― boils down to his hero instinct. 

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit. I write about relationships for a living and I’ve been itching to write a His Secret Obsession review for some time now.

If you want to know what a relationship expert thinks about it, you’ve come to exactly the right place.

Does His Secret Obsession live up to the hype? Is the hero instinct an actual thing? Is the book really worth buying?

Let’s find out.

Spoiler alert: His Secret Obsession isn’t worth it for everyone. Keep reading to find out if it’s going to be worth it for you.

What is His Secret Obsession?

His Secret Obsession is a new relationship guide by best-selling author James Bauer. It gives women the tools they need to be in a committed and long term relationship with the man they love.

The main book is 217 pages long, but you also get a workbook and several useful bonuses to go along with it.

The main idea of His Secret Obsession is that women need to tap into their man’s hero instinct.

What the hero instinct boils down to is that men want to live meaningful lives and be respected for their efforts. The hero instinct is amplified when it comes to relationships — men want to be an everyday hero to the woman in his life.

The key thing to understand about the hero instinct is this:

A man will be drawn to any woman who makes him feel like her everyday hero and will be reluctant to commit when he doesn’t feel like one.

His Secret Obsession gives you the blueprint for triggering your man’s hero instinct in an authentic way. This includes exact words, phrases, and text messages to send him, including how to adapt them to your specific situation.

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Who is James Bauer

James Bauer is a bestselling author and popular relationship coach.

He got his start as a trained psychologist and later became a professional relationship coach. For the past 12 years, he’s worked with thousands of men and women to help strengthen their relationships.

By carefully studying their cases, James Bauer discovered what he believes is the secret to long lasting love: the hero instinct.

What I like most about him is that doesn’t pretend to be a dating “guru”.

James Bauer simply outlines simple truths based on male psychology and his own experience working with women and men over the last 12 years.

Is His Secret Obsession worth it?

I’ll unpack how much His Secret Obsession costs and its pros and cons in more detail below.

However, you probably want to know straight up whether the book is worth it for you.

I read a lot of dating books. While I need to offer my readers as many unique perspectives as I can, I also need to filter out genuinely useful approaches to finding love from gimmicks that simply don’t work.

Only a short way into His Secret Obsession I started to resonate with the central theme: That men have the instinct to step up for women and be a hero to them.

Because of how politically correct the world has become, it may seem that we’ve gone past the whole “primal instinct” thing.

However, we really haven’t. Men are still men. And we’re still driven by the same instincts we’ve always had.

The best thing about His Secret Obsession for me was that I discovered new ideas, tips and strategies that I’ve never come across before.

Everything about the book is based on practical male psychology and how to tap into it to improve your own relationship.

So, if you are having commitment issues with your man, or struggle with commitment in general, I think His Secret Obsession is worth it for you.

Check out the official His Secret Obsession website here.

Who is His Secret Obsession for?

The short answer is: 

Any woman who wants to understand what really drives men in relationships.

But to narrow it down even further, these are the type of women who will benefit most from it:

  • Women who want to take a friendship to the next level
  • Women who want to move from dating their man to being in a committed relationship
  • Women whose partner seems uninterested, emotionally distant, or is “pulling away”.
  • Women who want to get back with their ex

Who shouldn’t read it?

The thing is, His Secret Obsession isn’t for everyone. I think these women won’t get a lot of value from this book: 

  • Women who won’t make an effort and follow through on the different signals (more about them below).
  • Lesbians – this book is specifically about attracting men.
  • Women who don’t want a serious relationship, and would rather keep things casual.

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Looking inside the book

His Secret Obsession is broken down into 3 main parts:

  • ​Part one focuses on how the hero instinct works
  • Part two reveals the practical things you can do to trigger his hero instinct
  • A bonus towards the end of the book are text message formulas that you can start sending your man straight away.

Included in the book are 17 modules that really break down the psychology of the hero instinct and then give specific tips and strategies for triggering it in your man. 

James Bauer reveals the words you can use, phrases you can say, and little requests you can make to trigger this natural male instinct.

What are the signals (and how to use them)

Throughout the book, you’ll come across different signals to use on your man. These include:

  • The “I owe you” signal
  • The “private island” signal
  • The “X-ray question”
  • The “ex-back” signal
  • The “glimpse” phrase
  • The “damsel in distress” signal
  • The secret “currency” of happy relationships
  • The “silent action” signals
  • The “fascination” signal

James Bauer gives you certain texts and phrases that can be used for each signal, and it’s up to you to adapt them to suit your relationship. 

The signals use psychology to make your man emotionally attached to you. The end result is him always considering you and thinking more as “we” rather than “I”.

Is there any manipulation involved? 

Not really.

All the signals are subtle and easy enough to work into conversation without making it obvious to your man that there is clever psychology behind it.

Check Out His Secret Obsession (Best Price)

How much does His Secret Obsession cost?

His Secret Obsession costs $47. 

Now, $47 for a book may raise a few eyebrows. It certainly costs more than most books. 

However, James Bauer put a lot of work into this book and accompanying resources so I can understand the price tag. The book is basically a “manual” that you can re-read and re-use over the course of your relationship.

I’ve also noticed that a few websites are selling black market copies of the book.

To ensure you’re getting an original copy that includes all the bonus materials, as well as your 60-day money back guarantee, make sure you grab it from the official website. 

Visit the official His Secret Obsession website here.

My favorite part of the book: Rachel and the 12 word text

One interesting part of the book is when you meet Rachel.

You’ll be introduced to her at the beginning of the book.

Rachel is one of James Bauer’s favorite clients who was struggling in her relationship. Not wanting to come off as clingy, she hung back. But there was radio silence as her man didn’t text or call back.

Sound familiar?

So, Rachel reached out to James Bauer, her relationship coach.

He gave her a 12 word text to use on her boyfriend. Soon enough, he came right back to Rachel.

While James was pleased with the outcome, he wasn’t happy that he only helped one woman. He knew that he could help others who were going through a similar thing. That’s when he decided to write His Secret Obsession.

In the book, James Bauer reveals this exact 12 word text that triggered the hero instinct in her boyfriend.

The pros of His Secret Obsession

As with any book, there were things I really liked about His Secret Obsession and a few things that weren’t as good.

Let’s start with the positives:

  • The only dating book you’ll need. With over 200 pages and a bunch of bonus materials, you have absolutely everything you need to succeed in your relationship. I doubt you’ll need to buy another relationship guide after this one.
  • Everything is practical. James Bauer doesn’t beat around the bush or leave things open to interpretation. Instead, he reveals the exact phrases, texts, and little requests you can make to trigger your man’s hero instinct.
  • Methods are research based. His claims are generally backed up by the latest research in psychology. For instance, each time he talked about why a man wants to feel like a protector or how a woman “claiming” you is a turn on for a guy, it’s backed up with evidence.
  • Hero instinct is a game changer. Learning about this once concept will change the way you approach your relationship with your man.
  • Easy to download. Because His Secret Obsession is an eBook, you don’t have to wait to get it in the mail. You can start reading it immediately.

The cons of His Secret Obsession

As much as I enjoyed reading the book, it’s not perfect. Here are the things I didn’t like about it:

  • The layout of the book is a little tricky to navigate. There are clear sections with the different phrases and signals, but some of the best ones are also mentioned at the beginning of the book. This isn’t the type of book where you can just cherry pick one chapter to read – you need to read the whole thing.
  • Some theories aren’t explained in detail. If you want to understand the psychology and peer-reviewed science behind it all, the lack of detail may leave you frustrated.
  • It’s only on eBook/audio. For some people, a true book is a paperback. But His Secret Obsession is only available by eBook and audiobook.
  • Price. For an eBook, the price of $47 is more than most. If you’re on a tight budget, this is something you’ll need to consider.

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Is the hero instinct a legit concept?

Personally, I think the hero instinct is a fascinating take on what drives men romantically.

I know first hand how important it is for everyone, both men and women, to live meaningful lives and dedicate themselves to what they care deeply about. I talk about this in detail in my eBook about Buddhism

However, James Bauer takes the search for meaning a step further by applying it specifically to the way men approach dating and relationships.

He argues that men are actually pretty simplistic.

The one thing men want is to feel like heroes. It goes back to our primal nature to provide for women, protect them, and to feel essential to them.

After reflecting on this for some time, I think there is a lot of truth to it.

Men want to step up to the plate for women and to earn her love and affection in return.

Because when it comes to entering into a relationship (or staying in one for good), men care less about your qualities than how the relationship makes us feel about ourselves.

After reading this book, I’ve started writing extensively about the hero instinct on Hack Spirit. 

I’m a massive fan of the concept because it speaks the truth about what really drives men when it comes to relationships.

Are there any alternatives you should consider?

While His Secret Obsession is the one relationship guide I usually recommend to my readers, there are some good alternatives to consider.

Text Chemistry vs. His Secret Obsession

Text Chemistry is a dating program designed by dating and relationship coach, Amy North.

Amy provides her readers a modern and practical approach to dating with attention-grabbing texts. All of these texts have “hooks” that you can use in different situations.  

Text Chemistry costs $49.95, which includes 4 eBooks and a 13-part video series.

His Secret Obsession focuses on tapping into a man’s hero instinct to make him fully commit to you. In contrast, Text Chemistry is all about grabbing the attention of men through text conversations. These tips can be especially effective when you are miles away from each other.

Which one is better?

If you want to understand what men truly want from a woman, then you’ll get more out of His Secret Obsession. James Bauer also includes a chapter in his book about texting, which covers similar territory to Amy North’s program.

Look at it this way — it’s always wise to know your enemy first before engaging in a battle.

Read my Text Chemistry review here.

The Devotion System vs. His Secret Obsession

Another popular relationship program is The Devotion System, also created also by Amy North.

The 3-part program starts with addressing your insecurities and coming to terms with whatever baggage you carry from your past relationships. Then it discusses the different types of men and misconceptions about how they think. Finally, it dives into the ways to build and improve your relationship at any stage.

Priced at $48.25, you will receive a total of 4 e-books, a 13-part video training series, and a 3-part adaptive quiz system. 

The Devotion System is for you if you feel you need to do some self-reflection before focusing on getting your man.

If you feel you are already more aware of yourself and want a more detailed program on the inner workings of men, and how to trigger his desires, I think you’ll get more out of His Secret Obsession.

To learn more about this program, check out my The Devotion System review.

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His Secret Obsession too expensive? Here’s some free alternatives

Let’s face it: His Secret Obsession isn’t exactly cheap.

If you’re looking for free advice about dating and relationships, then there are some good online resources to consider.

One popular website you can visit is Psychology Today. They publish expert-level content on mental health and behavioral science, and they even have a dedicated section on relationships.

PsychCentral is another website with articles written by medical professionals. While most of its content is about mental disorders, there is a section devoted to relationships that have some good insights into how men behave in relationships.

Of course, you can also learn a lot about creating positive relationships from my own website, Hack Spirit. We cut through the fluff to give you straightforward advice on improving your relationships with others and yourself.

To start with, check out my posts on what men want in relationships and the common reasons why men pull away.

My verdict: Should you read it?


After reading the book and writing my His Secret Obsession review, what’s my verdict?

Well, there are two things I look for when I recommend a new book.

  • I want it to be thought provoking and to learn new things
  • I want it to be VERY practical. There is little point in gaining a new perspective on something if you can’t apply it to everyday life.

James Bauer delivers on both fronts.

Therefore, I think it’s well worth the price. $47 isn’t pocket change, but I haven’t come across a dating book as comprehensive or insightful as this one.

His Secret Obsession contains the wisdom of a relationship expert with 12 years in the industry, as well as tips and strategies based on concrete human psychology.

I learned a lot about myself and my subconscious motivations as a man, and I can only imagine how helpful this will be for women too.

If you’re struggling to get a man to commit or want a better relationship, His Secret Obsession may just become your secret weapon.

Check Out His Secret Obsession (Best Price)


Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the Hack Spirit review team. In our reviews, Hack Spirit highlights products and services that you might find interesting. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. However, we only ever recommend products that we have personally investigated and truly feel could be valuable to you. Read our affiliate disclosure here. We welcome your feedback at reviews@hackspirit.com.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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