So, you’ve come across the hero instinct and want to know how exactly to use it on your man.
When I first met my husband, we had a great connection. But he was reluctant to commit. Past relationships had made him wary and guarded.
It was around that time that a friend introduced me to the hero instinct. I wasn’t 100% sold but I decided to give it a go because it spoke to the deep psychological drivers all men have.
Five years later, not only did he commit but we’re happily married and living life to the fullest!
So, in this article, I’m going to share exactly what I did to trigger the hero instinct so you can experience the same love and commitment from your man!
What is the hero instinct?
The hero instinct is a new concept in relationship psychology that may holds the key to making a man fall in love and commit fully to a relationship.
Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, the hero instinct is based on fulfilling three biological drivers that all men have:
- To feel needed
- To feel respected
- To live a meaningful life with purpose.
Do this, and his fear of commitment won’t stand a chance!
But how do you actually trigger his hero instinct? Here are 21 things you can do right now:
1. Challenge him
Men may be hard to figure out, but one thing is for sure:
They love a good challenge!
But this isn’t about playing hard to get – this may work during the initial meeting stages but once you’ve started dating, guys don’t want the chase.
They want someone who keeps them engaged and pushes them to overcome their limitations.
So, how can you challenge your man?
- Give him something to work out, for example, a task in the house that isn’t straightforward to do
- Introduce him to a sport or activity he’s never tried before
- Share your problems with him and seek his advice
Problem-solving activities will be your best friend when it comes to triggering his hero instinct.
When he finally solves whatever you throw at him, he’ll feel great about himself. And because you’re the one who challenged him, he’ll associate those good feelings with you too!
But that’s not the only way to trigger his instinct, you can also…
2. Turn to him for help
We’re in an age where women rely on men less and less.
And that’s great – I’m a feminist and 100% like to take care of my own problems!
But turning to him for a hand doesn’t mean giving up any of your independence or personal power, it just means you’re able to accept help from time to time!
So, why is this an important part of triggering his hero instinct?
Well, for man to feel needed and useful, he needs to see that you can rely on him.
Helping you makes him feel good. This isn’t just about bigging up his ego; we all want to feel helpful in the lives of our loved ones!
So, the next time you struggle to open that jar, ask him for a hand.
Or when you need to top up your car oil, send him out instead.
As I said earlier, you don’t need to give up any part of your independent lifestyle for him, rather you just need to let him be a part of it all!
And when he does help out, you next need to…
3. Praise him genuinely
Men love this just as much as women do.
Whether it’s praising him for figuring out how the dishwasher works or for completing a project at work, don’t hold back on those feel-good comments.
But there’s a catch:
You need to be genuine.
Men don’t want to hear fake compliments. They don’t need to be told how handsome they are every time they walk into a room.
Make your compliments count. You can praise him on things like:
- What a kind and caring person he is
- How well he listens and gives advice
- How well he’s been juggling work with all his other commitments
- What a great chef he is in the kitchen
You get the idea. Stay away from superficial compliments that any woman can say.
The point of the hero instinct is to make him see you like no other woman, that’s why you’ve gotta go deeper. Keep it genuine and he’ll quickly see you as the woman of his dreams!
4. Send him the 12-word text
So, one way you could praise him is through text, but I’d say in person is always best. It’s easier for him to read your body language and recognize that you’re being honest.
But there are other types of texts that’ll grab his attention quicker than his favorite football teaming making the playoffs:
A simple 12-word text that’ll make him super intrigued by what you have to say next…
I used this on my partner around month 4 of our relationship when he started pulling away and acting distant.
I read about it in James Bauer’s book, His Secret Obsession. My partner replied almost instantly, and it was the starting point of him letting down his guard.
The great thing is, you can actually adapt this message and use it in different situations.
So, whether you’re using the hero instinct to win his commitment, or get him back after a breakup, it’s guaranteed to make him sit up and start paying attention!
5. Give him your support
Supporting your man makes you a key person in his life.
Think about it; who supports you in your life?
I’m sure when you think of these people, friends or family, you think good about them. You know you can trust them and they’ll be there for you.
So, be this person for him!
Show him that you’ve got his back. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with his crazy ideas or think they’re destined to fail.
What matters is that he feels you’ll be right there with him every step of the way.
At the start of my relationship, my boyfriend was always coming up with wacky plans. I could have shut him down numerous times. But I never discouraged him.
Some plans failed and some worked out. But at the end of each venture, he was so grateful that I had supported him.
If you can be that source of encouragement and support in his life, it’ll be very hard for him not to commit to you completely!
Now, to show your support, you can start by trying to:
6. Boost his confidence
No matter how confident or secure your man comes across, he’ll still want a woman who boosts his confidence and makes him feel like he can achieve anything!
This is what will set you apart from the rest of the women out there:
When he’s around you, all his worries about not being good enough melt away.
You give him the desire to go out into the world and be the best he can be.
That’s an invaluable feeling to have. The more you make him feel this way, the more he’ll see you as a positive force in his life!
One way of boosting his confidence is to let him know how good a partner he is. To do this, you’ll need to…
7. Show your appreciation
When was the last time you thanked your man simply for being himself?
Or for being a great partner?
Sure, you thank him when he brings you a coffee or takes the trash out. But are you thanking him for the meaningful role he plays in your life?
Just like praising him, you need to show your appreciation genuinely.
It can be as simple as saying:
- Thank you for always being there for me when I need you.
- Thank you for taking time out for me when I know you’ve been busy lately.
- Thank you for checking in with me every day, I feel so good knowing you care.
So, why will appreciation trigger his hero instinct?
Again, this goes back to men’s desire to feel needed and useful. When you show him appreciation, you’re showing him you value his role in your life!
If anything, this makes him want to do MORE for you.
And there’s another way you can show support and appreciation…
8. Celebrate his achievements
It doesn’t matter how small it is, every man wants to feel like his achievements count for something.
Maybe he took that first step and applied for his dream job.
Or he finally managed to work out what was wrong with the TV and fixed it…
Celebrating his achievements shows that you value him and care about the things in life that matter to him.
Essentially…you should be his biggest supporter…his number-one fan!
Okay, that sounds cheesy, but you know what I mean. Take him out for dinner, surprise him with a fun day out, anything to show him that you’re proud of him!
9. Allow his masculine energy to flow
Masculine energy is under attack a lot these days – it’s often confused with TOXIC masculine energy, which is completely different.
So what is healthy masculine energy?
- Embodying integrity
- Being assertive and goal driven
- Protecting those around him
- Being focused and motivated on important tasks
- Earning the respect of those around him
But that’s not all…healthy masculinity also includes allowing him to be vulnerable and release his emotions.
It’s not about being a “bad boy” or hiding his feelings. It’s about allowing him to embrace his masculinity for his own betterment (and yours).
So why is this important?
Well, for him to feel like the hero of his life, he needs to embrace who he is. Right now, there are a lot of people, influencers, who shoot down any form of masculinity.
But if you allow him to embrace those crucial parts of him that form who he is, he’ll feel comfortable being his best self around you.
Now, we mentioned protecting those around him in that list just above. Let’s dive into why that’s an important part of triggering his hero instinct:
10. Let him protect you
A man’s desire to protect you goes beyond wanting to be seen as a superhero.
It actually goes back to the beginning of time – men were responsible for fighting wars and protecting their wives and children from harm.
So, it’s pretty ingrained in their DNA.
Now, I know you don’t need protection. I don’t need protection.
But I also recognized how valuable this is to men.
With my own partner, I look for opportunities to take the back seat and let him assert his protectiveness.
A few years back, we had some builders working in front of our house, and they made a few comments…I felt uncomfortable.
Normally, I would have bitten their heads off myself (it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve put a builder in his place), but I held back. Instead, I told my partner, and he had a few words with them.
Two things happened as a result:
- The workmen left me alone
- My partner felt like he’d stepped up for his woman
It wasn’t about pride or arrogance, it was about him feeling like he could protect me from harm. In doing this, it confirmed to him that I was the right woman to be with.
It brought out those innate drivers that make a man want to protect his loved ones.
But if you’re stuck on ways for him to protect you, check out my next point…
11. Put his handy work to the test
An easy way to kill two birds with one stone (asking him for help and allowing him to protect you) is simple:
Get him to do a few jobs around the house!
This could be anything from:
- Fitting a smoke alarm (this plays into the protective element)
- Checking and fixing all the door and window locks
- Clearing out the guttering
- Putting up your new shelves or pictures
The point is:
By making him feel like he’s lending you a hand, you’ll be ticking quite a few of the hero instinct drivers within him!
And when he does those things for you, here’s how you can thank him…
12. Make sure he knows you’re happy
A happy wife = A happy life.
Whether you’ve just started dating or have been together for a while, he needs to know how you feel about him.
This doesn’t mean going overboard and faking happiness over every little thing.
It just means being honest about how much you enjoy being with him. Every man wants to feel like he’s doing his part in making you happy.
So be vocal about it!
13. Ask for his advice
Another important aspect of triggering a man’s hero instinct and making him commit to you fully is by simply asking for his advice…
It doesn’t matter how big or small the problem is.
What counts is that you’re turning to HIM for support. Earlier I mentioned how important it is for you to support him, but it works both ways.
So why is this important to him?
Well, every man wants to feel like he’s making his significant other’s life better!
He wants to know that you feel comfortable enough to ask for advice and that he’s been part of your decision-making process.
And this leads me to my next point…
14. Make him feel needed in your life
Many of the signs I’ve spoken about all culminate with this:
He needs to feel needed.
If you don’t make space for him to play a significant role in your life, what makes you different from just a platonic friend?
When a man commits fully, it’s because he feels like he has an important role to play. He wants to step up to that commitment because it’ll be beneficial and rewarding for both of you!
Some of the ways I made my then-boyfriend feel needed were:
- Asking him to come to meaningful events i.e my graduation
- Turning to him for advice especially if I had a work problem
- Letting him know how much I valued him
- Giving him responsibility and purpose within our relationship
You see, when a man feels like he has a purpose, it speaks to something deep within him. It makes him want to do better and be better.
And he’ll associate all of that with…you! There’s no better way to make him wake up and smell the pheromones – you’re the woman he needs to have in his life.
15. Encourage him to have fun
But it’s not all about responsibility and putting in the hard work…another way to trigger his hero instinct is to encourage him to have fun!
Whether this is with you or alone, men really appreciate it when their SO brings them back down to earth and reminds them there’s more to life than just work.
So, next time you see him tired or stressed out, why not suggest he goes out with his friends?
Or, surprise him with a little romantic getaway?
And that’s not all…
Even just encouraging him to pursue his hobbies will be enough to show him you truly care about his well-being.
After all, if he’s relaxed and content, he’s going to be in a better position to be a good partner to you!
But with that in mind, you don’t want to nag him. Encouraging is different from badgering him into doing things. This leads me to my next important point:
16. Don’t mother him
Look, it’s no surprise that men don’t like to be nagged.
Most men will appreciate reminders but they don’t want someone on their case 24/7.
You are not a replacement for his mother.
And if you want a relationship where you’re both EQUAL partners, you need to act like one!
Let him take responsibility for himself. Let him learn from his mistakes.
If you’re running around picking up after him, you’re taking away his masculinity and independence. This isn’t attractive, and won’t make him want to commit.
Now, with that in mind, that doesn’t mean you can’t look after him when he’s sick or needs a bit of TLC. But he should get the opportunity to do the same for you!
17. Let him take care of you
Ladies, we all need taking care of sometimes.
In fact, at the start of my relationship, when I was trying out hero instinct techniques, I used my time of the month to put them into action!
I asked him to make my hot water bottle and rub my back. But he took it one step further…
He’d bring me chocolate or make my favorite meal for me. He WANTED to look after me, and I let him.
This deepened our bond considerably.
So, even if you can do it yourself, why not give yourself a break and let him take the reins for a while?
Trust me, you’ll both feel good as a result!
18. Respect him in front of his friends
Now, before you jump down my throat for this one, I don’t mean boosting his ego or acting like he’s a king around his friends.
What I mean is showing his friends that you’ve got his back.
Don’t confuse banter for picking on his insecurities. Avoid jokes that’ll hurt him on a personal level.
So, why will respecting him in front of his friends trigger his hero instinct?
Well, if he feels like you support him and stand by him, even in front of his friends, he’ll instantly feel like you’re a keeper!
Not only that, but you’ll probably get the seal of approval from his buddies – this can go a long way in helping him want to commit.
19. Keep him on his toes
Earlier, we spoke about challenging your man. This fits in quite well, except I don’t mean physically or mentally challenging him.
I mean doing things that surprise him.
My husband loves snorkeling and scuba diving. I have a fear of open water. But I organized a trip for us to snorkel and he couldn’t believe I was willing to push myself out of my comfort zone for him.
He wasn’t expecting it at all…and it led to a deep newfound respect for me!
So, whatever it is you do, don’t let him think he’s got you completely figured out.
Keep him on his toes and show him that with you, he’s found someone interesting and exciting to be around!
20. Be real with him about your feelings
Another quick and easy way to trigger his hero instinct is to be honest about how you feel.
I know, I know, this goes against the conventional dating guides. We’re told to be mysterious and keep a guy guessing.
But the truth?
The truth is, a man is much more likely to commit if he knows where he stands with you.
Now, you don’t need to make a huge confession of love to him, but make it clear how much you like him and enjoy his company.
Tell him why you think you guys make a good team.
These little snippets into your heart will speak to him on a deeper level – they’ll help him realize that with you, he’s got something real.
21. Don’t go overboard
For my final tip on triggering his hero instinct, I want to emphasize how important it is not to go overboard on ANY of these signs.
You don’t want him to think you’re manipulating him or playing games. This isn’t the goal of the hero instinct.
Instead, you want to:
- Work in the tips above naturally
- Do it over time (don’t change drastically overnight)
- Use your judgment and common sense (especially when it comes to praising him or encouraging him in front of his friends)
- Think of this as bringing out the best version of himself rather than tricking him into committing
To follow on from that last point – the goal of the hero instinct is to make him feel secure within himself. Your role is to help him get there.
Because when a man feels secure about himself, he’s in a better place to commit to a partner romantically!
So, we’ve covered 21 ways to trigger his hero instinct…but how do you know it will actually work?
Why does the hero instinct work?
The hero instinct works because it isn’t a gimmick designed to make a man feel like a Marvel superhero.
In fact, making him feel like a hero is more to do with appealing to biological drivers that all men have. It’s in their DNA to protect and provide.
It’s in all of our DNA to want to feel needed and useful in a relationship.
And when you trigger these drivers within him, it’s only natural that he’ll see you as a good life partner; someone who values him and recognizes his worth.
Not to mention:
A study published in the Physiology & Behavior journal shows that male’s testosterone makes them feel protective over their mate’s safety and well-being.
There’s plenty of research out there that backs up what James Bauer teaches in the hero instinct. And the best proof of all?
It’s been tried, tested, and given the seal of approval! My husband was once an avoidant of commitment. Since using the hero instinct, he’s 100% committed to me and it shows, every single day.
And I personally found that doing these things for him made him grow as a person. It increased our bond and created a great foundation built on trust and respect.
At the heart of it, it’s about helping him embrace who he is. And doesn’t any healthy relationship consist of this anyway?
Are you ready to make him commit?
You’re now armed with 20 ways to trigger his hero instinct. Whichever approach you take, keep those essential drivers in mind:
- He needs to feel needed and wanted
- He needs to feel respected
- He needs to live a meaningful life with purpose
If you give him all of these elements?
He’ll commit to you on a profound level.
And when you think about it, it’s not actually asking for a lot. Many of these things you’d want for yourself in a relationship, so why not do the same for him and see where it takes you!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.