Louise Jackson
You’ve tried to talk to him about his behavior, but nothing seems to work. He keeps saying he’ll change, but then he never does.
What should you do?
You don’t want to give up on him, but your patience is seriously wearing thin.
This article is for you if he says he will change but never does.
“He says he will change but never does” – 15 tips if this is you
1) Don’t ignore red flags
Sometimes we genuinely don’t spot the red flags until we’re in too deep. But also a lot of the time, we do. The problem is we don’t want to see them, and so we ignore them.
Even if you didn’t pay attention at the time, by now you are probably well aware of the red flags in your relationship.
Now is the time to go back and with hindsight start to identify all of your relationship problems.
Is it a recent problem? Or was it there all along?
Learning to identify the red flags in your relationship will not only help you to potentially fix things, but it is also helpful for the future.
You are teaching yourself to be observant. Rather than sweeping issues under the rug, you are training your brain to be mindful of them.
The sooner you identify when an issue arises, the better the chance of dealing with it before it becomes a full-scale relationship crisis.
As we tend to go for the same type of person over and over again when dating, it’s a good lesson for the future too.
Don’t ignore red flags, they will only come and bite you in the ass later.
2) Stop making excuses for him
It’s easy to ignore the red flags in a relationship when we desperately want things to work out.
Another tactic we use to try and minimize the impact of problematic behavior we see in our partner is to make excuses for them.
Sure, he canceled on you three times in a row, but he’s been really busy.
Yes, he has cheated on you twice now, but both were when he was really drunk and didn’t know what he was doing.
It’s understandable that we want to give someone we care about the benefit of the doubt.
But you need to recognize that sometimes in doing so, you are continuing the pattern of behavior that you so desperately want to stop.
The chances are he is making quite enough excuses already. Don’t add to them by justifying his bad behavior when deep down you don’t think it’s ok.
That means it’s time to get real and ask yourself honestly:
Is this relationship fixable? Or is it too late?
3) Accept what you cannot change
In every relationship there will be some things we’re not exactly thrilled about, but that we can let slide.
No relationship is perfect.
But let me be clear — these are usually fairly trivial things, which in the grand scheme of a relationship don’t matter so much.
For example, it may drive you nuts that he doesn’t clean up after himself, but you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Or maybe you’d prefer he wasn’t such a neat freak, but you realize that’s just who he is.
Occasionally people enter into a relationship expecting they can “train” their partner into behaving how they prefer. But this is not only unrealistic, but it’s also unfair too.
There is a big difference between wanting your partner to change because they are behaving badly, and simply wanting them to change because their behavior doesn’t suit you.
You need to be self-aware enough to know that difference.
There are always small things that we have to learn to overlook in a relationship because they aren’t major deal breakers.
You should ask yourself what you can accept and what is a deal breaker for you.
4) Try to view things from the outside
Isn’t it funny how we can instantly give great advice to a friend who is having problems in their love life, but feel stuck when it’s us?
Our judgment can very quickly become clouded by our emotions.
Of course, the heart is never going to be ruled by the head. But it still helps to apply some logic and be able to see things rationally.
You can try to look at the situation more objectively by removing you from the equation. Imagine it was a friend or family member in this situation.
What would you say to them?
What advice would you give?
What would be your take on it all?
We can end up putting up with things that we would never advise someone we care about to tolerate. But in life you need to be your own best friend.
5) What would an expert say?
Ok, so let’s get real.
It’s not always so easy to step outside of your own relationship to see the solutions.
While this article explores the main steps you can take when he says he will change but never does, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
Because at the end of the day, your situation is very unique to you, and I don’t know exactly what is going on in your relationship right now.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
6) Consider if you are compatible
Sometimes it’s not always about who is “right” and who is “wrong” in a relationship. It can come down to whether you are right for each other.
I know in the past I’ve been super frustrated by boyfriends who weren’t giving me what I needed from a relationship — because they weren’t capable of doing so.
I wanted more commitment, or more affection and attention.
But they weren’t ready for something serious or they were the “laid-back type” who wasn’t into showering their girl with PDA.
Some relationship issues can come down to compatibility problems.
If you’re both looking for different things in a partner, then you may find yourself in a situation where neither one of you is happy.
This could mean that you two aren’t meant to be together and are just not compatible romantically.
7) Bolster your boundaries
Boundaries are important in any relationship. And especially in a romantic relationship.
They protect you from getting hurt by setting limits around what you expect from your partner.
For example:
Do you want him to call you every night?
Do you expect to see him every single day?
Is it okay for him to go with his friends partying without telling you first?
You need to make sure that you have clear and reasonable expectations about what you want and what you don’t want. And you also need to set some ground rules around communication.
It can be really helpful to have a chat with your partner about what your (and their) boundaries are.
8) Create consequences
Tough love time:
How he decides to treat you is in zero way your fault. Of course, if he behaves badly in your relationship in some way, then that’s on him.
But you also need to remember:
How you respond to his inadequate behavior is on you.
It’s time to 100% take responsibility for your part in things.
The good news is this is empowering because it turns you from feeling like the helpless victim of his behavior to the creator of your own destiny.
The harsh truth is, that people can only treat us the way we let them. The dynamic within your relationship is created by both of you.
It’s not about laying down the law or throwing around empty threats.
But it is about creating clear boundaries and then, very importantly, having consequences that you are prepared to stick to when he oversteps those boundaries.
If you always just get mad but end up forgiving him and then just carry on as normal, you’re sending a message that whatever he is doing is ok.
9) Ask why you are accepting less than you deserve?
When you accept less than you feel like you deserve in a relationship, you are sending yourself a message too.
It’s really important to do some soul searching that involves asking yourself things like:
Why am I settling for less than I deserve?
Am I afraid of being alone?
Am I scared I won’t find anyone better?
Are there other reasons why I’m letting myself be treated badly?
You may discover that deep down you have some work to do on your self-esteem and self-love.
Our self-worth often silently dictates how much we think we deserve in life.
So if you are constantly putting yourself down, you might be subconsciously expecting to receive less than you deserve.
10) Learn what love really means to you
The relationships we have with others is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Sometimes we end up in bad relationships or bad situations because we are searching for someone to come along and love us.
There’s nothing wrong with this, we all want love. But we can end up going about it in the wrong way.
Have you ever asked yourself why love is so hard?
Why can’t it be how you imagined growing up? Or at least make some sense…
When you’re dealing with a guy who isn’t treating you right but doesn’t change, it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
We get stuck in awful relationships or empty encounters, never really finding what we’re looking for.
We fall in love with an ideal version of someone instead of the real person.
We try to “fix” our partners and end up destroying relationships.
We try to find someone who “completes” us, only to fall apart with them next to us and feel twice as bad.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution.
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
Click here to watch the free video.
11) Know he has to want to change
We all like to think that our love will be powerful enough to inspire a man to change.
Does a man change for a woman he loves? He can certainly try.
But the reality is that he also has to want to change for himself.
I once dated an alcoholic. In the beginning, his desire to be with me was so strong he gave up the drink.
But eventually, he fell back into old patterns.
People cannot change the habit of a lifetime, just for someone else.
It might be a motivating factor, but ultimately you can’t change for him, he has to be able to do it for himself.
If he doesn’t deep down want to change, he won’t.
You might genuinely believe your man when he says he wants to change, and he may also mean it when he says it.
But saying and doing are very different and require a next-level amount of energy. He may just not be capable of changing in the way you need him to.
12) Agree on a plan going forward
There are two of you in this relationship, and if you want to move forward together, you need to work together.
If there are specific issues that need addressing, you might want to come up with a practical plan of action.
Talk to him, and communicate your needs and wants from him. Explain what your deal breakers are.
Then you need to decide on what you both think is reasonable.
For example:
What behaviors do you need to see? What behaviors need to stop? Can he agree to that?
Be very specific and create a deadline.
Make sure you are both crystal clear on what you expect and what the consequences are if it doesn’t happen.
13) Only accept action and not words
There comes a time when words are no longer enough.
No matter how well meant promises of change are, ultimately they are useless unless they are followed up by action.
When you have tried everything else, you need to let go of trying to make things better through words alone.
Yes, you need to keep the dialogue open.
Yes, you need to communicate effectively.
But at some point, he needs to realize that you don’t want to hear his empty promises anymore.
14) Realize love is not always enough
I sincerely hope that you can fix the problems you’re facing in your relationship and that he can change to give you what you need, want, and deserve.
But sometimes the reality we don’t want to face, but must do eventually is that:
Love isn’t enough.
Feelings are undeniably powerful, but to make a relationship last in the real world you need more.
I think of it like a blossoming rose. That beautiful display is the romantic feelings. But underneath it all, the roots are supporting it.
Without those to anchor and provide sustenance, nothing will bloom.
The roots are the deeper values, being on the same page in life, and wanting the same things.
And love, just like the flower, will die without this support.
15) Know when it’s time to walk away
This is something only you can look inside and answer honestly (even if it comes with a heavy heart).
But if you fear that you are wasting your time, there comes a point when you need to be brutally honest with yourself.
You should never make threats in an attempt to give a guy a wake-up call. You need to be prepared to stand by any consequences you set and really mean them.
Otherwise he will learn that you don’t really mean what you say and he can probably get away with it.
But if he has consistently failed to change over and over again, then it may be time to cut your losses and move on.
Letting go of trying to fix something (or someone) means accepting that it isn’t going to change. It means letting go of hope.
This is hard because we all want to believe that we can change someone we love.
But sometimes, we need to realize that we can only control ourselves. And if we don’t take responsibility for ourselves, nothing changes.
