What do you do if a man who’s not single keeps contacting you?
It’s a more common issue than many realize, and it gives you a real dilemma.
Here’s the basic guide of what to do – and what to avoid at all costs.
1) He probably just wants to have sex
When a man is dating someone else but still contacts you, the most common reason is extremely simple:
He wants some action on the side.
It’s not romantic and it’s not complicated, but it is true.
This is usually the reason why a man who’s taken starts texting you. Whether you’re an old girlfriend, a friend or even just someone he met randomly at work or in a cafe…
He’s pinging you courtesy of the one-eyed snake.
“If you notice a certain pattern and receive his texts only during fixed hours of the day, mainly in the evening or late at night, then this is a red flag situation and he is wanting to come back just for sex.”
2) He’s dipping a toe in the water
A common reason why a guy who’s dating someone else goes back to familiar pastures is because he’s dipping a toe in the water.
The water in this case is you…
The toe is, well…you get the general idea.
He wants to see how you’ll respond to his friendly, flirtatious or funny greetings.
He may reach out by text or a quick call that he just “happened” to think of you and decided to ring you up.
An alternate route is when he goes for the full drama package, calling you during a crisis or when he really needs help.
It may even be genuine.
But the point is that if this guy isn’t single, why is he turning to you in his time of need and not his significant other or family?
It’s a question that really needs to be asked.
3) He’s in an open relationship
Another possible reason why this guy is contacting you despite not being single is that he’s “kind of” single…
What I mean is that he’s in an open relationship or exploring being in one.
Personally, I wouldn’t go near an open relationship with a ten foot (or even just-over-half-a-foot, technically) pole.
But if that’s something you’re comfortable with or interested in pursuing, you do you.
Just keep in mind that what he tells you about his current partner and her level of openness to an open relationship…
May not be the Gospel truth…
4) He senses insecurity in you
One of the most important reasons a guy tries to contact you when he’s already taken is that he’s gotten the impression you’re going to bend to his will.
Through one reason or another, he thinks that he can seduce or convince you that he’s worth your time for a dalliance.
Whether your fault or not, if you’re giving off those vibes it could be because you’re still feeling like you’re “missing” something and are seeking attention and validation to know that you’re worthwhile…
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
5) He misses the deep conversations you once had
One of the top reasons that a guy who’s not available may be reaching back out to you is that he misses the deep conversations you once had.
The implication, by default, is that he’s not getting to have these similarly deep conversations in his current relationships.
There are many reasons for a breakup and yours, like everyone’s, are unique.
But the likely thing here is this guy’s new partner only satisfies him in certain ways and not in others.
He is feeling a lack in the area of intellectual and emotional connection. And this manifests in a feeling that he really wants to talk to someone like you.
Which means your conversations must be pretty good indeed.
If they were so good, it’s worth thinking about what else was missing that led to your relationship ultimately not working out.
6) He is seeking sympathy and understanding
Whatever the reasons you parted ways or aren’t together, a common reason why an attached guy gets in touch outside his relationship is that he feels misunderstood or unappreciated.
For whatever reason, he feels you could be a source of sympathy and understanding.
He may just be fishing randomly and hoping one of his contacts or exes ends up being sympathetic and a good person to talk to.
But he also may have carefully selected you, thinking of you as a kind and wise person who will get him when his current partner won’t.
Of course this brings up the obvious point:
If you get him so much better than his current other half then why is he with her?
7) He’s having a fight with his current partner
Another one of the top reasons why a man who’s not available may be reaching out to you, is that he’s having a rough time with his current partner.
We’ve all done it – at least I have.
You’re having a hard time in your romantic life, so you reach out to someone who seems like a safe and comforting shore during this bad time.
Now you don’t want to become his doormat or be used as an emotional or physical pillow by this guy – you’ll feel bad in the morning.
But at the same time there are situations where this type of confiding can lead into something real and lasting.
For that reason I recommend communicating as openly as possible and asking him if he’s doing OK in his relationship.
Whatever you do, avoid him using you as a second-string quarterback to fall back on when his starter is injured or being annoying.
8) He misses what you once had
If you used to be involved with this guy, he may be reaching out because he misses what you once had.
Not to be sappy, but it’s hard to measure the impact we have on someone’s heart, no matter how long we were with them.
He may have fond memories of your time together and be regretting whatever it was that drove you apart.
In one way or another, he’s signaling that he wants you back.
And at least some of the time he’s choosing you over his current partner.
This can lead to a long period of feeling like you’re getting strung along, however.
So if you’re potentially regretting parting ways as well, then there may come a time you need to draw a line in the sand and ask him whether he’s going to be with her or with you.
9) He wants space to become a hero
Another one of the top signs a taken man reaches out to you is that his current relationship isn’t giving him what he’s looking for.
In many cases, it’s because his current woman isn’t treating him in a way that makes him want to commit…
Much less to get him to fall in love…
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
10) He’s using his current relationship as jealousy bait
This a pretty nasty reason, but it happens much more than most would like to admit.
They miss an ex or still have an issue with them, and rub their new relationship in an ex’s face to increase jealousy and to gloat.
The goal is twofold: revenge and feeling like they “won…” by making you get jealous…
As well as hoping that your feelings of jealousy or annoyance will get you to chase them…
The first objective can be hard to defend against: by the time you see your ex with a new girl or hear about it you might already be feeling jealousy before you can help it.
But the second is up to you. Even if you feel agitated or jealous, you don’t have to give in and respond.
Block him and move on with your life.
11) He wants to stay as friends
Sometimes an ex reaches out to talk to you because he genuinely does want to stay friends.
I admit that it’s not as common as some think, but it definitely does happen.
I have plenty of friends who remain on good and even friendly terms with their former partners.
He may be contacting you because he wants this kind of a friendly connection with somebody he was once intimate with.
Two caveats here: if you don’t have a romantic history you should ask yourself why he’s reaching out to you rather than someone he’s not potentially sexually attracted to…
And if you do have a romantic history you need to be sure that his current partner is OK with him being friends with an ex.
Because if not, that’s a boundary you should definitely respect.
12) He wants to check if you’re with someone
Another very important reason why an ex might reach out to you despite not being single is that he wants to know your status.
Are you taken or still single?
By touching base he’s trying to keep track of where you’re at and assess any future potential.
This is basically one version of dipping his toe in the water that I talked about above.
The difference is that it can be part of broader not so great behavior including benching.
This is where he keeps you on the backburner and calls you back out to “play” when he gets bored of his current relationship or sexual partner(s).
Unless you’re looking to be one player on a large sex team serving this guy’s pecadillos, then this probably isn’t suited for you and you’re better off putting him on mute.
13) He’s bored
These days it seems like everyone’s busier than an ambidextrous juggler in the Middle Ages, but there are still moments of free time…
And in that free time, this guy may be getting bored.
You can’t assume that he’s always amused or engaged just because he’s with someone.
He might just be genuinely bored and reaching out to see what you’re up to.
If you’re bored too, go for it…
You can always stop if things get X-rated or go beyond what you’re looking for.
But the chance that it’ll just end up being a good chat is worth pursuing.
Just be sure you’re not going to get feelings for him that can’t be reciprocated and that he’s not sneaking around on his current partner and emotionally cheating on her.
14) He wants real closure on your relationship
If you were dating this guy and never really had firm closure on why you split up, he may be reaching back out in search of that.
Whether you are willing or even able to give it to him is another matter.
After all, it’s not always clear why a relationship broke up and analysis only goes so far.
Maybe there were a multitude of reasons: timing, chemistry, different values, personal issues that came up…
Maybe there was one big thing that rubbed you the wrong way like feeling a lack of sexual attraction…
But whatever it is, do your best to try to be understanding and give him the closure he wants.
If nothing else, it will do more to ensure he stops pestering you.
15) He has chronic commitment issues
Some guys love the thrill of the chase and have a real serious problem with commitment.
It’s not just a trendy line, it’s a psychological reality.
No matter how attracted and interested they are, some men get into a relationship and immediately search for an eject button.
The idea of being committed to one person without any escape route absolutely terrifies them.
But suffice to say that it’s definitely one reason why a guy who’s not even on the market might be messaging you.
The question is:
How will you respond?
Should you continue contact or cut him off?
This is the crucial question, really.
If a man who’s taken is contacting you, your best bet is generally to cut him off.
Respecting yourself is a big part of building that solid relationship with yourself that I was writing about earlier.
If you do sense potential for something real and he’s really set to leave his current relationship, you’re always free to take a chance.
Just remember to never be afraid to state your conditions and stick to them.
Somebody who truly wants to be with you will rise to meet you at your level instead of demanding you sink to theirs.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.