10 things to do if he came back only when you let him go

Your ex comes knocking on your door just as you’ve completely shut him out.

And now you’re stuck with a dilemma. On one hand, you have finally moved on from him. But on the other hand, what if he’s changed and you’re really meant to be together?

It’s not an easy choice to make, and that’s why in this article I will show you 10 things to do if he comes back only after you’ve let him go.

Why did he return when you’re done moving on?

Frustrating as it may be, his actions are rooted firmly in human psychology. Whatever is forbidden or out of reach simply becomes instantly irresistible.

The fact that you used to be his, and that you used to be easy enough for him to reach out to would make it even worse for him.

In telling him “no” and moving on, you make him feel that sense of finality. He is suddenly no longer welcome around you, and it will leave him feeling left out.

And on top of that, you’ll make him realize that he had underestimated you. You’re telling him that…

  • You’re not clingy or desperate.
  • You know how to say no.
  • You’re independent and know your worth.
  • You’re not someone he can just toy with.
  • You are resilient and mature.

All of these traits make you incredibly attractive and these, together with that sense of loss he feels, will drive him crazy for you.

What you should do when he comes back only after you let him go

1) Don’t tear him down.

He had broken your heart. Perhaps he took you for granted, or perhaps he was too harsh over a small mistake or misunderstanding and refused to stay no matter how you begged.

But that doesn’t mean you should take this opportunity to demonize him and tear him down now that he’s running back to your side.

After all, chances are that he wasn’t the only one to blame for why your relationship ended, and demonizing him over it will not fix things.

Besides, one of the reasons why he’s so drawn to you now is the fact that you’ve proven your maturity by moving on instead of being the “clingy ex” that everyone hates and fears.

Take his return as an opportunity to make peace with him. You may feel the urge deep inside to say “look who’s crying now!” but keep that desire in check and offer him kindness and grace instead.

2) Don’t welcome him with open arms, either.

But while you should avoid trying to tear him down, you shouldn’t swing too far in the opposite direction and pretend like nothing happened either.

Be nice, but avoid being too nice. There was a reason why the two of you broke up, regardless of who it was who left and who was left behind.

He needs to know that just because you’re being polite towards him and even set aside the things he has done doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten.

Whether he wants to find his way back into your heart or he simply wants your friendship, he has to prove himself worthy of your trust all over again.

3) Rewrite how he sees you and your relationship.

He might have come to see you as a difficult, clingy, and overbearing woman. It doesn’t matter that you’ve grown and matured since then, because he just can’t help but look at you this way.

And not just to you, but your relationship dynamic. He might have some lingering hard feelings or he’s holding some grudges. Anytime he gets triggered, all these bad feelings will burst to the surface and blow in your face.

So what can you do?

Change the way he feels towards you and your relationship. To do this, simply change the emotions he associates with you and make him picture a whole new relationship with you.

In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for changing the way your ex feels about you. He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger something deep inside him.

Because once you paint a new picture about what your life together could be like, his emotional walls won’t stand a chance.

Watch his excellent free video here.

4) Ask him to explain his side.

He had more than enough time to calm down, figure his feelings out, and hopefully work on himself.

So you should be able to talk things through in a calm, measured manner. So offer him an olive branch and tell him that he can explain his side of things. Why he did what he did, and so on.

Whatever he might say, it’s important that you be genuine with your offer. Listen to him, and don’t show him contempt by rolling your eyes or tuning him out.

There’s a possibility that he might say something that offends you, and it’s incredibly important that you make him feel like he can say whatever without you getting visibly offended and dismissing him.

You can always decide whether to trust him or not after he’s done, after all.

5) Tell him how you really feel.

You’ve also had time with yourself. You were able to ponder on your past experience and build on it.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable…and be honest.

It’s not just the feelings you’ve had in the past, but tell him about your apprehensions of your future together. It’s understandable that you would feel uncertain and hesitant about moving forward because of your history.

It’s best to share all of that with him now that he’s back.

Let him sit down and ask for his understanding.Ask him to listen to all of your grievances and resentment with an open mind. Then start letting them all out.

6) Trust him, but be cautious.

You can’t rebuild the bridges between you if you can’t find it in yourself to trust him. But at the same time, you must be cautious and pay attention to red flags if you don’t want to be hurt again.

You should have opened yourselves to one another at this point, and it’s up to you whether you can find it in you to forgive one another.

And should you decide that you’re willing to give each other a second chance, then take this opportunity to decide how your relationship should go moving forward.

It pays to be patient if rebuilding trust between the two of you takes time. It’s normal for you to wish you could offer them more trust than you can offer.

Trust is not something you can just build overnight or force into being, especially if it was once broken.

7) Make him work for your love.

He wants you back? Then make him prove that he’s worthy of your love, especially if he committed a big offense.

He needs to work his way back to your heart.

Just to be clear, I don’t mean manual labor. Altho he can definitely clean the house or change a few lightbulbs if he wants. But that’s not the superficial stuff we’re looking for.

Here are some ways he can prove himself after his disappearing act:

  • He promises not to commit the mistakes he did that caused your break-up.
  • He communicates openly and does not hide things from you.
  • He sticks by his promises.
  • He takes more responsibility in his role in the relationship.
  • He’s willing to be more patient and understanding.
  • He’s willing to go to couples therapy.

8) Secure him for good.

He may be back by your side now, but it’s important to remember that the two of you broke up for a reason.

Think of what had caused that rift. Perhaps there were mistakes done by both of you, or perhaps he simply didn’t feel that strongly about you back then.

You should work on those issues, of course. But on top of that you should also try hard to make him fall harder for you.

You have to make him completely infatuated with you.

It’s tempting to think that to do this you have to figure out what he thinks is his “perfect woman” and fulfill every single item on that checklist. But as dating and relationship coach Clayton Max says, it doesn’t work that way.

Instead, men chose those women who make them feel special. The women who, with their words can stir a sense of excitement and desire within them.

Want a few simple tips to be this woman?

Then watch Clayton Max’s quick video here where he shows you how to get a man thoroughly infatuated with you. And it’s far easier than you might think!

Infatuation is triggered by a primal drive deep within the male brain. Learn how to trigger that desire, and you can ignite his red-hot passion for you.

It might seem a little hard to believe, but you don’t need to be there in person to do this. It’s possible to trigger his instincts through text. To learn how to wield your words well, watch Clayton’s excellent video now.

9) Ask yourself if YOU really want him back.

Him coming back is all well and good, but is it really?

Now that you’ve experienced being alone for a while, you’re more comfortable in your own skin. You feel lighter, like you can go to new heights since you’re not tied down and burdened by a destructive relationship.

Exclude him from the picture for a moment and focus on yourself, your wants and dreams. Does it have to include him? Is he really worth the trouble?

Maybe this time you can confidently say “Good riddance!”.

Or maybe you realize that yes, he’s really the one you want to grow old with. In that case, ask yourself why.

Dig deeper to yourself by asking big questions. The most important thing is not to decide with just your heart, but also your head. Relationships affect your life and it takes a lot of hard work, you have to be 100% sure that having him back is the right decision.

10) Be ready for a brand-new start.

Since you’ve both contemplated your reasons to break up and get back together, explore it with a more positive mindset.

You’ve wiped your slates clean. You can think of it as a new chapter in an old relationship. The catalyst was letting him go. And now that he’s come back, it must be fate.

You may have walked different paths and changed into different persons, but the universe willed you two to find your way to each other again. Discovering these new sides to you will give your relationship a fresh start.

This is your second chance at love. Start it with a clean canvas.

Want advice specific to your situation?

While this article explores ten things that help when he comes back after you’ve moved on, nothing beats personal guidance from a good relationship coach.

Relationships can be complex, confusing, and frustrating. Every single relationship is different, and a generalized list isn’t going to help everyone.

That’s why I recommend checking out Relationship Hero. They’re the best resource I’ve found so far for love coaches that aren’t just talk. They have seen it all, so they know how to deal with tough situations like your ex coming back just as you thought you’ve moved on.

I had been skeptical about asking for outside help in the past. After all, my relationship is mine alone. How is someone else supposed to understand it? But I changed my mind after I tried them out last year.

My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to check them out.

When to be wary

I know it’s electrifying to start all over again. It’s as if you’re back to the early stages of dating—feeling giddy and drunk on his newfound devotion.

He’s putting his best foot forward since he’s trying to earn back your faith in him, and you’re eager to affirm his efforts to signify that you’re willing to give him another chance.

But it’s not a guarantee that everything will go smoothly when you get back together.

This is a game that should be played carefully. You need to be on your toes and keep an eye out for anything mildly suspicious that could pull you into a never-ending cycle.

Here are some signs you should look out for:

He is trying to manipulate you.

It’s not easy to spot when the one who’s manipulating you is the person you love.

You have to be alert when he’s being deceitful, when he’s still hiding some things from you, or any suspicious activity like saying things that don’t add up.

He threatens to leave again and guilt-trip you. He’s blaming you for the breakup and will hold that over your head like blackmail. He always plays the victim. In any given scenario, it’s always you who is at fault.

The problem is, he’s doing it so well. You might be questioning yourself instead of him, and would choose to believe his lies as he distorts the truth. He can tell you things you want to hear, but will push all accusations on you when it’s convenient for him.

Even if you try to reason with him, he’ll only drown it by saying he’s suffered worse.

Don’t get involved any further. When you identify that what he’s doing is emotional manipulation, then it’s best to distance yourself or you’ll only end up really hurt and sucked dry.

He has a history of returning to past relationships over and over again.

While you were broken up, was he on a rebound with some other partner? And now that you’re back together, are you certain there are no strings attached with another party? For all you know, someone else could be awaiting his return just like you.

You have to confirm it with him and get a clear answer, or give you some form of validation that there are no other women involved. But if there are any, brace yourself.

It could be years worth of infidelity we’re talking about here. With deception like that, there is no chance for trust to be regained no matter how hard he tries.

You’ll be caught up in a mess that you’ll try to undo all your life and this is a toxic affair you’d just better stay out of.

He goes hot and cold again.

While you’re broken up, he’s hot on his heels in pursuit. He’s showering you with so much attention, sending you flowers and gifts. It’s as if to show to the rest of the world that he’s giving it his all.

But these are just on the surface, and once you take him in, he’s back to his cold, inattentive self.

It could be a sign that he’s just in it for the chase. He’s in love with the idea that you’re some unattainable flower on top of a mountain he’ll always try to climb. When the thrill is gone, he feels like it’s become boring and he’ll have a sort of buyer’s remorse.

It may be that he just wanted to hook up. He can’t stand a serious relationship with you and just wants to play or he just enjoys the physical interaction you have, but not the emotional connection.

He’s being extremely jealous.

Since you let him go before and showed your independence, he has a fear of not being good enough.

While yes, it’s normal to want the person we love all to ourselves. When a guy is jealous, you might even find it a bit cute. It can be very flattering to be the object of his jealousy, like he wants to assert his dominance over potential rivals to show them you’re his mate.

But it becomes bothersome and unhealthy when his possessiveness is coming off as controlling and constrictive. He treats you as if you have no autonomy or ability to judge for yourself.

This is coming from something the both of you must have experienced in the past and now he has feelings of inadequacy.

He is having irrational ideas about your whereabouts and what you’ve been doing behind his back.

He will have more trust issues further down the line and he won’t believe anything you say. Worse, he’ll get into fits of rage. He’ll turn on you verbally and if he can’t control it, his frustrations might lead to physical abuse.

He’s not changing his ways.

He’s pretending like nothing happened. Whatever it is that caused your breakup, he hasn’t changed for the better.

If he’s not willing to improve himself for the sake of the relationship, you might be on the path to another breakup not too far ahead.

You might think he’s some kind of science project you need to work on, and that when he finally manages to turn around, you take the credit for the result. But this is a misconception.

Only he can change himself. You can adjust your reactions and the way you treat him, so in turn this will trigger him to act on fixing himself, but that’s about it.

Keep in mind, you should only give him a chance when you see evident metamorphosis in him. Do not cling on to the fantasy that he will change “someday”, because that someday might never come.


Breakups and losing someone for good is not easy. And it’s even more difficult if both of you still have lingering feelings for each other.

You’ll get closer, then pull away, then get closer again.

It’s a trap. If you truly believe he’s the one for you, go give your relationship another shot.

As they say “nothing good gets away.”

It will work out if you’re really meant to be together, and it won’t if you’re really not. But at least, if the worst happens, you can tell yourself that you’re brave for giving it one more try.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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