Let’s all take a pause for a second here.
What happened to the days of chivalry? Where did it go?
One minute, guys were opening doors for us, pulling out our chairs, and connecting over a shared meal.
Today, we’re lucky to get a text telling us to come over and join him on the couch for a movie.
Sure, we’ve fought long and hard for feminism and expected changes have come with that. We pay our way through meals and are even happy to get our own doors.
But, when did we give up dating?
Surely, I’m not the only one pondering these thoughts.
If you’re wondering what’s changed in recent years, we take you through 7 ways the dating world has changed — and what you can do to turn the tables.
7 reasons why guys don’t date anymore
1) Face to face isn’t necessary anymore
Technology is great. Technology has achieved great things for us. But I’m on the fence about whether or not it has helped when it comes to the dating world.
No one wanted to admit they were online dating. It was a sign of failure. A sign that you hadn’t been able to meet someone out in the real world.
Fast forward to today and there are now apps out there for almost every type of dating. From single parents to casual sex, and onto lesbians. There’s an app for it.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, you jump back on and find someone else.
The difference? Now it’s unheard of NOT to be on a dating app. The world has certainly changed.
Why waste time dating and getting to know a person, when you can chat to multiple people at once online?
It’s easy to see why the dating world has so drastically changed.
You have to jump through hoops and multiple other partners to even make it to an in-person date.
By then, you generally feel so comfortable with each other you can skip that initial dating stage and jump ahead to tracksuit pants and a movie on the couch.
2) Booty calls have taken over
We’ve all heard of Tinder. Of course, we have. It’s the app that mainstreamed the booty call.
Let’s take a look at this realistically.
Why would a guy want to date, when he can simply message any number of women and organize a booty call to his house?
Skip the awkward conversation.
Forgo the expensive food and wine bill.
Get all the perks that come from dating, without actually dating.
It’s hard not to see the appeal there.
As a woman, we like to be romanced. We like to be one over. We love the idea of love.
But none of that is necessary anymore. We either are up for sex or keep searching for a guy who might actually stop to get to know you first.
Welcome to the hook-up culture.
Guys are only on the hunt for something casual, and us women? We end up embracing it because it has become the norm.
3) Men no longer buy the drinks
Heading out to a nightclub or bar was always a great way to meet guys and flirt a little. Somewhere along the way, men stopped buying the drinks.
We get it, the fight for feminism, they yell! This is what you wanted, they tell us! But no. Sadly it has gone much too far.
It’s simply called being polite. You go up and chat with a woman, sipping away on your drink, without even offering to buy her one.
When did this become acceptable?
It’s not about the free drinks. It’s not about the money.
It’s a simple gesture to show a woman you like her, without resorting to grinding her on the dance floor in front of your mater.
4) We’re all too busy for dating
Something has happened over the years.
Sure, we want to meet someone. Yes, we eventually want to settle down.
But, who has time to go out there and find the right person? Not guys, that’s for sure. And many women fall into this boat as well.
The difference is, women have this thing called a biological clock. If we want that family, then we are on a time frame.
Once upon a time, women were falling pregnant in their early 20s. These days, the average age of mothers has increased to between 30 and 34.
When we are finally ready to settle down and have a family, we don’t have the luxury to just keep putting it off again and again.
So, we take the shortcuts that we’re given. We skip the dating and head over for sex to get to know him intimately.
We tell ourselves we don’t need to waste time on the romance, we just need to know whether or not we’re compatible.
We convince ourselves that it’s OK not to date. It’s OK to skip over all of that to get to the end goal. And when time isn’t on our side, it’s so easy to see why we accept this as the norm and go with it.
What alternative do we have?
Watch our opportunity to have kids float away, while we try and coax a guy to take us out on a date.
I don’t think so!
5) Guys have become lazy
Once again, it seems that our expectations have fallen short and the men have taken advantage of this one.
Suddenly, shaving, popping on a nice suit, buying some chocolates, and picking up a woman from her house has become too much.
In fact, shaving and getting dressed up on its own is far too much for many men these days. Men just aren’t willing to put the effort into a date these days.
Sure, they want female attention but they also know they can get it from so many different places.
If you’ve just started chatting with a guy on a dating app, the chances are very low that you’re the only girl he is talking to.
There are so many apps out there for them to join and find different females on, it hardly makes sense to men to put the effort in for a woman.
After all, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
This is why the hook-up culture has become a thing. But that doesn’t mean you have to sit back and accept it. There are still guys out there willing to make an effort and romance a love interest.
You might just have to keep searching for a little longer than you’d hoped.
6) No one even knows if they are dating
The lines are no longer black and white in the dating world.
There’s this whole big grey area that has been brought on thanks to all the different apps out there.
Men are jumping from women to women and no one is stopping to define these relationships anymore.
It’s the norm.
Is it a fling?
Is he dating multiple women?
Is he in a relationship at all?
The truth is, he probably doesn’t even know.
Everyone is in the dark about whether or not they’re actually dating. And this is happening for one simple reason: almost no one is dating anymore.
How do you define a relationship when you’re skipping that essential beginning step?
Instead, we are all diving into casual relationships with multiple people and the lines get blurred along the way. No one stops to question them either.
We just keep muddling on not knowing whether or not we’re in a relationship, or whether or not it’s headed somewhere.
It’s one vicious cycle that makes finding the love of your life even harder.
7) Being single is more acceptable than ever
Once upon a time, it was the norm to fall in love, get married, and have children.
Once you had your first child, people would immediately start asking when number two was coming along. It was a given that you would go for at least a second child, if not more.
These days, we’re all about choice.
You get to choose whether or not you want a relationship.
You get to choose whether or not you want to have kids.
You get to choose what you want.
As a result, being single is becoming the norm.
No one is in a rush to find the love of their life and settle down. Instead, they are spending more time figuring out themselves and what they might want out of life.
While this is great in many respects, it means we are also missing out on opportunities.
We are quite simply letting love pass us by while we sit back and work out whether we even want love at all.
Some of us are so ready not to conform to what society wants, that we are simply missing what is right in front of us.
Hack Spirit’s senior editor, Justin Brown, discusses these issues below in his video, “Is being single worth it in the long-term?”
How to stop the hookup culture
As much as we can sit back and romanticize about the past, it isn’t going to change our current situation. It seems that tracksuit pants and popcorn on the couch are the new dating norm.
But that doesn’t mean you have to like it — or even go along with it for that matter.
Technology has a lot to answer for when it comes to our ever-changing world. Guys (and girls) have the freedom to flick between partners at the press of the button, which has made the chase almost non-existent.
So, it’s time to bring it back. Here are 6 things you can do to change your dating life and get your man out on dates with you again.
6 tips to get your man out on a date
1) Ask your crush on a date
Feminism isn’t all bad, despite the rap it’s been given in this post so far. We simply need to use it!
If there’s one clear way for us to set our intentions and what we expect out of a relationship, it’s by approaching your crush and asking him out.
No midnight booty calls.
No grey line about where your relationship stands.
You simply ask him out on a date and wait for him to respond.
If he likes you, he’s going to make an effort. Now that you’ve set the standard, there’s no reverting to hook-ups and lazy dating.
It’s the real deal, or it’s nothing.
If he’s not interested, at least you don’t have to waste any time with the chase — or giving in to this hook-up culture.
You can cut your losses then and there and move on to the next guy.
After all, if there’s one thing we know for sure — there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
2) Use your manners
Let’s face it, we can’t sit around hoping a guy is going to one day open the car door for us when we ourselves don’t even know what manners are.
Dating is a two-way street and you have to bring just as much to the table as he does.
Let him know how appreciative you are when he performs these small gestures for you.
When he knows you aren’t simply sitting there and expecting them and actually appreciate it, he’s more likely to make the effort for you.
Not to mention, it’s the polite thing to do!
3) Bend the rules
It’s hard not to acknowledge that times have changed. A lot.
So, it stands to reason that dating should also change with it. But not to the extent that we get rid of it altogether!
Instead, we simply need to bend the rule a little to make it work for both parties.
There are plenty of ways we can do this:
- Organize an uber there and home: this takes the pressure off the guy of having to come and pick you up and drop you home at the end of the evening.
- Offer to pay: it’s true, the guy shouldn’t always have to be the one to pay for the date. Off to chip in or pay your way.
- Organize the date: we do always place a lot of pressure on guys to organize these overly romantic dates that we can boast to friends about. Instead, turn the tables and do a bit of planning yourself. You’ll have the perfect evening and your guy will appreciate the effort you have gone to.
There are no set rules when it comes to dating. But it does require you to meet up in person and actually get to know each other.
What happens beyond that is up to you — rules are made to be broken, so you need to find a way to date that works for both of you.
4) Pick up the phone
We all love to hide behind a text message. It’s so easy and convenient.
Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project reported 97 percent of mobile users send about 110 texts per day, which is about 3,200 messages per month.
That’s a lot of texts.
Yes, it’s convenient. You can choose to text whenever you like during the day but it isn’t the best way to get to know someone.
In fact, it’s the perfect way to encourage a sense of laziness in the relationship.
You want to pick up the phone and call him. It’s the next best thing to meeting in person on a date.
It means he can’t hide behind the text messages, and you’re letting him know that you see this as more than just a casual fling.
Once again, if he isn’t interested he’ll simply make a break for it. If he is, he’ll put in the effort once the bar has been set.
5) Think beyond the first dates
Dating is an exciting time getting to know the person and whether or not you’re a good fit for each other.
Once you do a couple of initial dinner and dining dates, think about some activities you can both do together.
Here are some great suggestions:
- Rock climbing
- Ice Skating
- Art class
By seeing each other in different environments, you can learn so much more about each other and how you click. This also flips the relationship.
It’s not about sex and getting to a level of comfort that leads to the bedroom. It’s about getting to know each other and working out whether or not you have a future together.
A guy who’s only in it for the sex isn’t going to stick around for yoga or ice skating. It’s a good way to weed out a guy who is just playing along to get in your pants.
6) Don’t forget the romance
Romance is something that should never die when it comes to relationships.
Once again, it goes both ways.
You might need to step up your game and give him a few lessons in romance and hope he catches on fast. Don’t simply sit back in the hope that he might one day get romantic.
Here are some ways you can add a bit of romance:
- Organize a surprise date for him: tell him the dress code and leave the rest a surprise.
- Pick up a gift: surprise him with his favourite fragrance or some other gift you know he’ll love, just because!
- Organize a weekend: there is nothing better than a romantic weekend with just the two of you, so why not be the one to get the ball rolling.
It’s too easy to sit back and tell ourselves that guys don’t date anymore. And it’s true, they don’t. This is why it’s our job to get them back out there and being chivalrous. It takes change, it takes commitment, and it takes time. But don’t give up. Dating is an important part of life and we hope it never dies!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
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