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My girlfriend is acting distant but says she loves me. Why?

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There seems to be something off with your girlfriend lately. She’s been acting a bit distant.

But when you ask her if she’s falling out of love with you, she tells you—NO! That she still loves you and that everything’s fine.

So then you might wonder… What’s going on?

In this article, I will give you 12 reasons why a girl would say she still loves you, and yet act distant.

1) She’s just not in the mood

It’s easy to be always in the mood when your relationship has just started. You have a lot of energy and excitement to spare, and every waking moment is full of bliss.

But eventually, this honeymoon stage will pass, and the world with all its troubles will eventually catch up to both of you.

This means, of course, that you’ll have less energy to spare towards being sweet all the time with one another.

It might suck when you’re in the mood and she isn’t. But it’s okay.

Just take her on her word and trust her. This is normal for any relationship.

2) She has problems she doesn’t want to bother you with

Just because you’re together doesn’t mean that you would share all your troubles with one another. There are just some problems we don’t want to (and shouldn’t) share with our partners.

Sometimes it’s because we know there’s nothing our partners can do about it.

Sometimes it’s because it involves third parties whose identities we don’t want to compromise, and sometimes we just don’t want to give our partner unwanted stress.

Don’t pressure her to talk. Instead, simply approach her and show that you care.

You can tell her that if she’s having problems, you’re willing to hear her out. But if she would rather have some alone-time, that you’re willing to let her be.

Acknowledging that you’re aware of her mood is a good way to open the doors of honest communication. But if she wants some space, then give it to her without making her feel guilty about it.

Of course, simple gestures like giving her a tub of ice cream or trying to make her laugh would help, too.

3) She has settled into the relationship

You have to bear in mind that people evolve and relationships evolve. Who you are during the first month of your relationship is different from who you are a year later.

In the beginning, most of us like to pour our all into presenting the best version of ourselves. And the moment we feel secure our partner would never leave us, we relax.

Whether this is a bad thing or not is up to you to judge, but before you judge her for being unloving and inconsistent, think about whether you have done it as well.

Perhaps she’s really a bit withdrawn. Perhaps she’s really not that clingy. Perhaps she’s really the type who prefers to focus on her own stuff.

In other words, maybe this is who she really was before she got “high” on love.

4) She is experiencing some existential crisis

Every now and then, we all fall into an existential crisis or two.

Why do we live? Why do we struggle? What is the meaning of life, or its ultimate purpose? Are we on the right path?

It isn’t necessarily depression that she’s going through. Rather, she’s simply thinking a lot about her life, processing her regrets, and trying to figure out where she’s going from here.

We overthink to the point of exhaustion at some point in our lives.

And if she’s been asking herself these questions, then no wonder it’s impossible for her to be cheery and attentive when you’re together.

If you think this is the case, it’s for the best if you are to give her some space.

The only thing you’ll accomplish if you get upset over her being distant is that you make her less comfortable with you. You don’t want that!

5) She’s starting to get dissatisfied with your relationship

It might be normal to want some space from time to time (it’s actually healthy), but if it has become her norm? There’s a problem.

And if there are more “distant” interactions than intimate ones?

Well then…THERE DEFINITELY IS A PROBLEM!

Both of you should examine what’s really going on before you reach the point of no return.

Perhaps she’s already unhappy with the relationship but she doesn’t even know it. Or perhaps she DOES know it but she has no courage to tell you.

This happened to me a few years ago. Man, it was the most emotionally draining moment of my life.

I sensed my girlfriend was falling out of love with me. She told me everything’s fine, blah blah…but I KNEW something’s up. After all, we’ve been together for a while.

Desperate to make things right again, I went to Relationship Hero.

It’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just five sessions, my relationship improved. I thought we’d part ways forever, but with the right approach, I was able to revive our relationship.

If I just did it on my own, we’re probably broken up!

I strongly suggest you get proper guidance from a relationship coach.

They just might just save your relationship just as they did mine. Plus, their sessions are quite affordable.

Click here to check them out.

6) She might be crushing on someone

I know this was your first thought when she started to get distant. And although I don’t want it to be the first thing that pops in your head, you should not dismiss this possibility entirely.

The important thing to remember is you have to remain calm.

Her crushing on someone else—and your assumptions that she is—shouldn’t be a reason for you to confront her and accuse her of cheating or being in love with someone else.

It could be that she’s attracted to another person for now, but decided to stick by you because she knows she can trust you. Accusing her will prove her wrong, and might even push her into going after that person anyways.

Besides, think about it. It’s not like you wouldn’t feel any crushes towards other people, be they ordinary folk or celebrities, and yet remain faithful to your partner.

So give her the benefit of the doubt.

Even if you do find proof that she is crushing on someone, it’s not like that means her love for you has died. You have to deal with it like mature adults in order to keep your relationships stable and strong.

7) She’s preoccupied with work or school

It’s hard to be sweet all the time when you’re stressed and overworked. Sometimes you just want to curl up in bed and sleep the day away or scroll through social media.

Sometimes people can be awake and not have the energy to deal with talking to other people personally. We all need our social, mental, emotional, and physical rest.

When in doubt, pay attention to her schedule and life goals.

Pay attention to the things she’s talking about. Is she complaining about her colleagues from hell, or her monster of a professor who never seems to give her a break?

If she ever complains about things like these, it should be obvious what’s keeping her from “performing” her role as your sweet girlfriend.

Don’t add to her stress by making a big deal out of her behavior… unless you want her to break up with you, that is.

8) She’s preoccupied with hobbies

Not everything has to be about work or school for her reasons to be legit, and not every ounce of energy she has to spare has to be poured into your relationship.

Like as not, she has her own hobbies and it’s possible that, for whatever reason, she had gotten especially obsessed about it.

Sometimes it’s because her hobbies offer her the self-care and fulfillment that she had been deprived of, and sometimes it’s because she’s feeling a surge of inspiration.

It can even be that there’s something big relating to her hobbies going on.

It’s the only thing on her mind, so when you try talking to her all she can do is nod and say “uh-huh.” And no, you shouldn’t hate her for it, if the thought ever crossed your mind.

Imagine getting really into something… say, you can’t get your mind off a new game. And instead of being supportive to you, your girlfriend instead throws a fit because you aren’t giving her any attention.

If anything, it would be a good idea to instead try to learn more about her hobbies.

Get on her level, and see if you can share her joy in it. It can easily become a bonding activity between the two of you!

9) You said or did something that hurt her

Before you accuse her of being unloving, ask yourself if there’s something that you did (or didn’t do) lately that made her upset.

Some people keep it to themselves when they’re frustrated or hurt because they think it’s the mature thing to do. Sometimes, it works. But sometimes, it just can’t be forgotten or shaken off.

By then, they’d be too shy to open up their feelings for you. But they can’t help but be distant, either.

So did you do or say something that could have hurt her in any way? Think hard.

And if you can’t think of anything, ask her. “Sweetheart, I notice that you’ve been acting distant lately. Did I do or say anything that could have caused this? Please be honest.”

Hopefully, it would be enough to make her comfortable in opening up her true feelings.

10) She wants to be chased

When it comes to dating and relationships, women generally use more “tactics” compared to men. I guess we can blame our culture that tries to demonize female assertiveness.

Instead of being straightforward by saying “Honey, I want more hugs and kisses.”, or “Honey, I want to be wooed again.”, some of them try to get a little bit sneaky by making themselves less available.

That’s right. Some women withhold affection to get affection. And it usually works.

These women know that men want to get intrigued and that they want the chase…so they let the man chase them, even while they’re already in a relationship.

Is this your girlfriend? You will know if she melts and gets lovey-dovey again after you shower her with affection.

But do tell her off if that’s the case. There’s a better way to communicate in a relationship so you won’t have to wonder if she’s falling out of love with you.

11) She already has one foot on the door

If this has never happened before and she’s been distant for a while now, there’s a small possibility that she’s contemplating breaking up.

Just like anyone who’s in a relationship, she’ll probably keep saying “I love you” until she’s 100% sure of her decision to leave.

Did she complain to you about anything related to your relationship in the past weeks or months?

Did you just dismiss those concerns as something trivial—that you’re actually just okay together even if she says she’s not happy?

Breaking up is not easy for most of us, especially for the more compassionate ones.

The good news is that if she still says she loves you, there’s still a way to turn things around.

12) She’s just being lazy

Maybe she’s bored and lazy to do anything, and that includes doing girlfriend duties.

Relationships can be daunting sometimes. You have to do a hundred things to make the other person feel loved.

You have to kiss them good morning, cook breakfast, text throughout the day, plan dates, to name a few. And you have to do them regularly! Plus, if you live together, you have to include all the household duties, too.

Maybe she just wants a break from all of it for once. And I tell you what? It’s okay.

It’s not because she stopped loving you, it’s because sometimes…all we want to do is stare at the ceiling for an hour and not feel guilty about it.

Someday, you’d want to do the same. And when that happens, you want her to understand you and trust you, not accuse you of falling out of love with her.

What to do if your girlfriend is distant?

1) Trust your girlfriend

Trust is the number one thing that keeps a relationship going. Communication is a close second.

There are so many reasons why she might act distant every now and then, and if you were to question every time she does so then you might just end up sabotaging your relationship.

2) Get an outsider’s perspective

An outsider’s perspective is always useful. A trained perspective is even better!

That’s why I suggested earlier that you get in touch with a trained advisor from Relationship Hero.

They have helped me precisely with this situation in the past and I must say that every penny I spent was worth it.

They can help you identify and work through any issues that might be getting in the way of your relationship.

3) Learn to see distance in a new light

There’s this old saying that goes “familiarity breeds contempt.” And what it means is that when you have enough of someone in your life, you begin to feel resentful toward them.

This is because when you simply have too much of one person in your life, their flaws begin to jump out at you… and you also begin to feel a bit constrained.

We all need time and space every now and then. It’s important for a functional relationship.

Distance and space shouldn’t be your enemies.

4) Tell her how it makes you feel

Trust is the number one most important thing in a relationship, and communication is a close second.

So try to maintain good communication in your relationship if you want to keep it going.

Try to share how her distance makes you feel, but also do your best to avoid making her feel guilty over it. Avoid ultimatums if at all possible.

Reassure her that it’s fine, but also ask her if anything’s wrong and that you are always willing to listen to her.

5) Come up with a compromise

If the issue seems to be minor enough that a compromise can be done, then try to find a middle ground.

For example, if she’s just being lazy, then perhaps you can be lazy together. Sometimes you don’t need to go out on dates to enjoy your relationship—sitting on the couch together doing nothing for hours can be enough.

But of course, if the issue is something that you probably shouldn’t meddle in—like her having a crisis or being overworked—then the compromise is to leave her be for now.

6) Keep loving each other authentically

By this I mean, truly love a person for who they are and not just as your girlfriend.

If she admits she’s just lazy, understand that some people just find it hard to keep up with the 100 things to do in life. Don’t nag her about it.

If she is going through something, be there for her without being demanding.

Yes, tell her about what you want—that she gets back to her old, loving self—but be patient. People go through changes and instead of pressuring her to remain the same, ride these changes with her.

Last words

As you can see, there are many possible reasons why your girlfriend is acting distant. It can be anything, from cheating to simply being too exhausted to do anything in life.

When in doubt, give her enough space to breathe. Trust her, and communicate well with her.

And of course, if it feels like things are beyond your ability to tackle alone—say it’s been going on for a while or you can sense she’s lying— don’t shy away from consulting a relationship coach.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

Written by Clifton Kopp

Welcome to my writings on Hack Spirit! I'm a bit of a "polymath" in that I like writing about many different things. Often I'm learning from the process of writing. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a comment on one of my articles.

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