When you and your ex broke up a year ago, you had good reasons for it.
You thought you’d get over it, but here you are—still madly in love. But you can’t just butt into their lives like nothing happened.
Here in this article, I will help guide you on how you can do it right.
Why the one year mark matters
The first year after a break-up is the perfect time to try to reconnect with an ex you still have feelings for.
And the reason for that is pretty simple.
For most people, one year is right on that sweet spot between “too soon” and “too late.”
It’s not so long that you’ll have drifted too far apart from one another and have become strangers all over again.
But at the same time, it’s long enough for the two of you to have cooled off and look at each other with a level head.
And most importantly, it means you’ll both have had the opportunity to reflect on your flaws and fix the things that made your relationship fail in the first place.
How to get back with an ex after a year
The world would be so much simpler if simply wanting something to happen is enough for it to become real.
But sadly, getting back with an ex isn’t easy or painless, even if your feelings for each other are mutual.
If you’re not careful, it’s easy to repeat old mistakes… and make new ones, like accidentally touching each other’s nerves.
So if you want to boost your chances, follow these steps and you’ll increase the possibility of getting back together stronger.
STEP 1: Make sure you’ve grown into a better person
Before diving in, make sure that you’ve done your best to deal with things on your side.
If you feel like you have done nothing wrong with your relationship, personally, you might think “wait, why me? It’s their fault!”
But it is actually somewhat rare for relationships to fail solely because of one party. It’s even rarer for the one left pining to get back with their ex to be the one who had done nothing wrong.
So that’s why it’s important to do some introspection and stay humble enough to not just entertain the possibility that you might have messed up, but to also do something about it.
- What were the usual complaints your ex had about you? Did you work on them?
- Did you try to become better in other aspects of your life?
- Do you think you have something better to offer now than before?
STEP 2: Evaluate your motivations and feelings
You want to get back with your ex—or, at least that’s what you think. But, seriously, do you really want to?
This is difficult to answer especially if you’re still in love with them. The best way to do this is by using your brain, and not your heart.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What is it that makes them so special that, even though your relationship failed, you want to get back together with them?
- What have they to offer that you can’t find in someone else?
- Are you sure you want them or they’re just an “easy” option?
- Aren’t you just scared of being alone?
- Do you want them back because of your ego (if they’re the one who rejected you)?
Be very honest with yourself and you might be surprised by your answer!
Yes, there’s the chance that you’ve been pining for them not because you want THEM back, but because you feel lonely being single.
There are some who simply can’t get over the idea of being rejected, and want to get their partner back to “prove” that they can.
It’s even quite possible that you aren’t really that interested in being romantic with them again, and that you just want their friendship.
Before diving in, you will want to thoroughly explore your feelings and motivations.
If you’re sure that you want them back because you love them and you’re willing to make things work this time around, then go ahead and proceed to the next steps.
STEP 3: Get opinions from friends and family
Our feelings can easily blind us to the things we should look out for, even when we’re doing our best to be vigilant.
I’ve known way too many people who only realized that they were in a toxic relationship after they talked to a friend about it.
Other people can spot red flags that you might have either failed to notice, or had assumed weren’t really that bad (even though they were).
For that reason, it’s good to talk to your friends and family about your ex and try to get their advice on your relationship dilemma.
Ask them what they have seen in your ex and the way they acted and, if they clearly don’t have a complete picture, try to fill in the blanks.
It’s always good to have another perspective, and it should be relatively painless to consult your friends and family.
STEP 4: Get personalized advice from a relationship coach
Friends and family may know your ex, but you can hardly call them unbiased.
That’s why it’s a good idea to have a third opinion—that of a professional who has studied how relationships work and have helped hundreds of others before you.
And that’s why I would recommend that you go and check out Relationship Hero.
It’s a site where you can get in touch with a trained relationship coach who can help you figure out things relevant to your needs.
Things like “when is the right time to get in touch with an ex?” or “how can I even reconnect with them without seeming creepy?” for example.
I tried them once in the past when I was in a crisis with my relationship and in just a few sessions, things improved dramatically.
The relationship coach will hear you out and listen to what you have to say about yourself and your situation. And based on that, they will give you advice personalized for your circumstances.
You won’t regret it, I promise you.
STEP 5: Assume that your ex will have changed
Assume that they will have changed in that one year you’ve been apart. I mean, YOU have changed a lot, too, haven’t you?
You might see them acting in a way that makes you think “oh, you haven’t changed one bit,” but hold that thought.
Change is unpredictable, and it’s hard to say for certain how fast someone would change as a person, and in what way.
Things that you thought would never change with them… changed, while things that you thought would have changed might stay the same.
So try to do your best to see them as they are and get to know them all over again. The less you let your past together get in the way, the better.
STEP 6: Be friends again (and be genuine about it!)
To figure out if the new you likes the new version of your ex, you have to take things slow by being friends first.
You don’t want to rush love for the second time!
Doing this gives you an opportunity to get to know each other all over again.
You should take your time making sure you’re comfortable being around them again before you even approach the topic of getting back together.
It also helps to consider that while YOU might want to be with them again, they might not feel the same way. And you can only deduce this if you stay friends.
STEP 7: Ask them out more often… but be casual about it!
It’s not enough that you’re friends again. You have to spend more time with them so you’d know if you really still like each other.
But more than that, if you’re both really willing to COMMIT to each other again, given that you’ve failed the last time.
Hang out with them more often as friends. It’s important that you try to be casual about it. Don’t treat it like it’s THAT big of a deal (as if it’s some divinely-ordained reunion between you and your rightful beloved), but just friendly meet-ups with an ex.
Thinking of it as you “getting back together” with your ex, or you “resuming” a relationship that was on pause is something you should probably avoid.
Instead, you will want to treat it as a brand new start to a brand new relationship.
- They still genuinely enjoy being with you (they still laugh at your jokes, etc).
- YOU still genuinely enjoy being with them
- You both reminisce fondly about the good times.
- They’re holding back on flirting with you.
- You can see some sort of regret in their eyes when you both talk about the past
What not to do:
- Don’t flirt
- Don’t have sex with them (it can ruin things and cloud your judgment)
- Don’t rush things
- Don’t drop too many hints that you want them back (because trust me, you’ll still not be 100% sure at this point even if you’re clearly still in love with them).
STEP 8: Talk about what went wrong last time
So assuming everything so far checks out—you’re comfortable around each other as friends, and you weren’t warned to stay away by your friend or relationship coach—then you can address the elephant in the room… and that is talking about what went wrong last time!
Did you have bad communication issues, or were simply too young and inexperienced? Did your beliefs and values clash? Did one of you perhaps cheat on the other?
Ideally, you should talk about this before you try getting back together with them. You can’t just do a reset and forget everything. Although easy, that’s not the wisest thing to do.
So try to find a time and place to look back and try to figure out what went wrong.
This is a conversation that will really help you become better at your relationship (if you both decide to get back together) or a better friend towards them if you end up deciding that you’d rather not get back together.
Just make sure you don’t end up pointing fingers at each other and pushing the blame!
STEP 9: Talk about all the things that was right about your relationship
There must be some good parts in your relationship or else why do you even consider getting back together with them?
But don’t talk about it using a romantic lens. Be as objective as possible—like a scientist probing a specimen under a microscope.
Try to list them down.
- Did we fight well?
- Did we help each other grow?
- Were you truly happy when we’re together?
- Did we have a good influence on each other?
- Were we a good team?
- Were there more good times than bad?
STEP 10: Talk about your future
And by this I mean your individual futures.
Are there important life changes that you need to know…like if they’re moving to a new state?
Do they still have the same dreams and aspirations?
Knowing this is important for you to know if YOU really want to get together with your ex.
If you see that your futures don’t match at all—say, they want to be a rockstar and tour with their band and you want to have a simple life with five kids—then clearly, getting back together with them isn’t the wisest idea.
STEP 11: Go back to the drawing board
After doing all the steps above, you have to think again. Yes, THINK, not feel. You have to reassess everything with your relationship coach one more time—this time with more info since you’ve been with your ex as friends for a while.
You see, when it comes to getting together with an ex, you must use your head this time around because you already failed the time you used your heart.
Don’t skip this step just because you’re too impatient to “win” them back (or to have sex with them!).
Don’t be tempted to go straight to the relationship because they seem nice enough, or that you miss them terribly.
I will be straight with you. When it comes to exes, feelings are NOT a good indicator your new relationship will succeed. Don’t just follow what your hormones dictate you. You must be wise.
We know so many exes who get back together, and break up again because they just miss each other…and then months later realize they’re truly not meant to be together.
STEP 12: Respark their interest
If, after everything, you are sure that you still want your ex back, then go ahead and make them want you again.
How do you do this exactly?
Well, it’s quite simple—especially since you already know each other to the core. All you have to do is re-spark their interest!
I learned about this from Brad Browning aka “the relationship geek”. He has plenty of subtle ways to reel your ex back in. Trust me, he doesn’t advocate for any desperate moves…which is what we all should aim for.
In this free video, he’ll show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.
I gave his techniques a try when me and my ex (now fiancee) had a rough patch, and it worked. That’s why I always recommend Brad to anyone who wants to get their ex back in a classy manner.
STEP 13: Go straight to the point
Now, let’s say that none of the tricks by Brad Browning helped, then it’s time to be clear with your ex. Say what you’ve always wanted to say in the clearest, most genuine way possible!
Go run to your ex and propose that you get back together before they fall for someone else.
Life is short once you know what you want.
However, don’t expect a happy ending. Sure, you’ve processed your side and you’ve made some realizations…but what about your ex?
There is still that possibility that they don’t want to get back together even if they really still love you.
STEP 14: Get back together better…or move on completely.
If both of you decide to get back together, well…you better make sure you’re much better this time around. After all, you already carry with you lessons from the past. Don’t waste this second chance at love.
Recommit to the relationship 100%.
Make new rules and set new boundaries so the reasons you broke up a year ago won’t happen again.
BUT…if one of you decides that, no, you’d rather stay friends, then move on, and I mean MOVE ON COMPLETELY.
You already did your best and it’s time to wave goodbye to the life you could have had.
And you know what, that’s probably for the best—some things are better left in the past.
Don’t keep pining on them even after they turned you down. You deserve someone who’s equally interested in creating a relationship with you.
Don’t worry. I guarantee you, whichever road you take, you’re going to be fine there…as long as you take the next step and don’t get stuck in the “still not over ex” zone.
The chance of you getting back together with an ex is higher when it’s only been a year that you’ve been apart.
However, it will take a lot of work so before you even consider it, make sure you’re willing to do all the steps above…and be fine when things won’t turn out well in the end.