7 signs someone is pretending to support you and secretly wants you to fail, says psychology

I used to think I had a solid support system. Friends, colleagues, even some family members—I believed they had my back.

But over time, I started noticing little things that didn’t sit right. Backhanded compliments. Subtle discouragement. A strange lack of enthusiasm when I shared good news.

It took me a while to realize the truth: not everyone who acts supportive actually wants you to succeed. Some people secretly hope you’ll fail, even while pretending to cheer you on.

As someone who’s spent years studying psychology and human behavior, I’ve come to recognize the subtle signs of fake support. And let me tell you—it’s eye-opening.

In this article, I’ll walk you through seven key signs that someone in your life might not be as supportive as they seem. If you’ve ever had a gut feeling that something was off with a friend or colleague, this might explain why.

Let’s dive in.

1) They downplay your achievements

A real supporter celebrates your wins—big or small. A fake one? They make your achievements seem insignificant.

I remember sharing an accomplishment with someone I thought was a friend. Instead of being happy for me, they shrugged it off. “That’s not a big deal,” they said. Or, “Anyone could do that.”

At first, I brushed it off. But when it kept happening, I realized something: they weren’t just being modest for me—they didn’t want me to feel proud of myself.

They don’t openly criticize you, but they won’t give you the support you deserve either.

If someone consistently downplays your achievements instead of celebrating them, take note. Real supporters lift you up—they don’t make you feel like your hard work doesn’t matter.

2) They give backhanded compliments

At first, I thought they were just joking.

“You’re doing well… for someone with your background.”

“I wish I had as much free time as you to work on this.”

It sounded like a compliment, but something about it felt off. Instead of making me feel good, it left me second-guessing myself.

Eventually, I realized what was happening—this person wasn’t supporting me; they were subtly undermining me. Their words were designed to sound positive while planting seeds of doubt in my mind.

Psychologist John Gottman calls this kind of behavior “covert contempt”—a masked form of negativity that erodes confidence over time.

He once said, “Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce,” and honestly, it applies to all relationships. When someone habitually puts you down in subtle ways, it’s a sign they don’t genuinely want you to succeed.

If you notice someone giving you praise that feels more like a passive-aggressive jab, trust that feeling. Real supporters don’t disguise their encouragement—they give it wholeheartedly.

3) They only support you when you’re struggling

I once had a friend who was always there for me when things were falling apart. If I was going through a rough time, they’d check in, offer advice, and even go out of their way to help.

At first, I thought this meant they were truly supportive. But then something strange happened—when things started going well for me, their energy shifted.

They became distant when I shared good news. Sometimes, they’d even find ways to bring up the negatives, like, “That’s great, but don’t get your hopes up too much.”

It confused me until I realized the truth: they liked being the one to “save” me, but they didn’t actually want me to succeed. As long as I was struggling, they got to play the role of the helpful friend. But once I was thriving, that dynamic no longer served them.

Genuine support isn’t conditional. A real friend is happy for you when you’re up and there for you when you’re down. If someone only shows up during your lowest moments but disappears when you’re winning, ask yourself why.

4) They subtly discourage you from taking risks

I used to share my big dreams with someone I trusted. Every time, their response was the same: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” or “That sounds risky… maybe you should play it safe.”

At first, I thought they were just being realistic. But over time, I noticed a pattern—whenever I wanted to step outside my comfort zone, they planted doubt in my mind. They never directly told me not to go for something, but their words always made me second-guess myself.

According to psychology, people often discourage others from taking risks—not out of concern, but because of their own fears and insecurities.

When someone close to you sees you striving for more, it can make them uncomfortable—especially if they’re afraid of being left behind.

A true supporter will help you weigh your options, but they won’t try to hold you back with subtle negativity. Pay attention to who encourages you to grow and who quietly tries to keep you where you are.

5) They compete with you instead of supporting you

I once had a friend who seemed supportive—until I achieved something they hadn’t.

The moment I got a promotion at work, they suddenly started bragging about their own accomplishments. If I shared a personal win, they quickly found a way to one-up me. It felt like every conversation turned into a competition.

At first, I told myself I was imagining it. But then I noticed how different they were with other people—genuinely happy for some, but strangely distant when it came to my success. That’s when I realized: they weren’t truly rooting for me. They saw my progress as a threat.

Psychologists call this social comparison theory—the tendency to measure our own worth by comparing ourselves to others (Festinger, 1954). Some people can’t handle seeing someone they know succeed because it makes them feel like they’re falling behind. Instead of celebrating you, they try to outshine you.

A real supporter doesn’t see your success as competition—they see it as inspiration. If someone in your life constantly tries to “win” instead of lifting you up, they might not be as supportive as they seem.

6) They gossip about you behind your back

I used to confide in someone I considered a close friend. I trusted them with personal struggles, career goals, and even my insecurities.

Then, one day, I found out they had been sharing my personal business with others—twisting my words and making me look bad.

When I confronted them, they laughed it off: “Oh, I was just venting.” Or worse, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

But here’s the thing—people who genuinely support you don’t spread negativity about you behind your back. They defend you when you’re not around, not tear you down.

If someone in your life constantly gossips about others, chances are they’re doing the same to you. Pay attention—because real supporters don’t need to tear you down to lift themselves up.

7) They agree with you too much

This one surprised me when I first realized it.

You’d think that someone who always agrees with you is supportive, right? But in reality, constant agreement isn’t always a good thing.

I had a friend who never challenged me, never questioned my decisions, and always told me exactly what I wanted to hear. At first, it felt nice—like having a personal cheerleader.

But over time, I noticed something: their support wasn’t genuine. They weren’t rooting for me to grow—they were just keeping me comfortable. Even when I was making bad choices, they’d smile and say, “You’re totally right.”

True supporters don’t just tell you what you want to hear; they tell you what you *need* to hear. Psychologist Carol Dweck, known for her work on mindset, explains that real growth comes from constructive feedback, not constant validation. As she puts it, “Becoming is better than being.”

A practical tip: Pay attention to who challenges you in a way that makes you better. A real supporter will push you to improve, not just nod along with everything you say. If someone never offers honest feedback, ask yourself—are they really supporting you, or just keeping the peace?

Final thoughts

Recognizing fake support can be tough—especially when it comes from people you thought were on your side. But the sooner you spot it, the sooner you can protect your energy and surround yourself with real supporters.

At the end of the day, life is too short to waste on people who secretly want you to fail. Choose relationships that bring out the best in you—and watch how much lighter, happier, and more confident you feel.