It can be hard to be in a relationship with an overthinker.
The constant suspicions, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy can be hard to handle, but trust me: it’s so much harder for them to constantly go through it.
They’ve been living with these feelings their whole lives, which is why, even when they find a healthy relationship, they still worry about the same things, even if the problems don’t actually exist.
Are you in a relationship with an overthinker? If you want to spend a day in their shoes, read more below to learn about the 8 false problems overthinkers worry about in relationships (and how to ease their worries).
1) Everything’s their fault
Most likely, an overthinker grew up being blamed for everything.
As a child, when their needs cause an argument between their parents, they’d be blamed for causing the problem, even if it’s the parents’ issues, not theirs.
As a result, they grew up believing that everything is their fault, even if this is not true.
Even the smallest argument and tiniest inconveniences in the relationship can lead them down a spiral of self-pity.
And more often than not, this results with them believing they’re not lovable.
2) They’re unlovable
Everyone makes mistakes. The difference with an overthinker is that they think their mistakes make them unlovable.
If they see you hurting, even if it’s not their fault, they will feel responsible. They’ll think they’re unlovable because they can’t even soothe the pain of the person they love.
3) There’s always a meaning behind everything
An overthinker is always thinking about the meaning behind everything.
Missed texts? They’re probably ignoring me.
Didn’t say I love you back? They probably don’t really love me anymore.
Of course, these suspicions are almost always false. When you miss their texts, that often means you’re only preoccupied with something innocent, such as work.
If you don’t say I love you back, that doesn’t automatically mean you don’t love them anymore. If the relationship is fairly new, it can be because you’re not ready yet, but often, there’s not much more to it.
But an overthinker is too in their head to realize this, thinking you’re only there for them out of pity.
4) You’re only there out of pity
As people, we rarely ever get into relationships with other people because we pity them. When this does happen, the relationship often doesn’t last, because it’s not founded on genuine love.
But an overthinker does not realize this. It’s a false problem they keep worrying about, thinking that you’re only with them out of pity.
Because they have low self-esteem, they don’t think they’re worthy enough to deserve you. They think you’re only there for them because you pity them, and not because you actually love them.
It can be tiring, for sure, especially when you tell them you love them but they don’t believe you, because they’re convinced you don’t mean what you say.
5) You don’t mean what you say
Overthinkers have trust issues.
They often had emotional or absentee parents who were only there for them when it’s convenient. They’d had one good day with them, and they’d wait for the next, but it rarely ever comes.
That’s why even when the parent tells them they love them, it’s hard to believe, because it doesn’t feel like it.
It’s the main reason behind their distrust when you tell them you love them, and it’s a false problem they worry about, because you genuinely do.
6) You’ll eventually hurt them
One way or another, an overthinker fully believes that you’ll hurt them, whether intentionally or otherwise.
They’ve been in multiple toxic relationships, starting with their own parents. Everyone they’ve ever loved has hurt them in some way, so they believe you will, too.
Their exes probably hurt them so badly and without remorse, and they’re still reeling from the trauma. This manifests when they believe you’ll eventually do the same.
Unlike their exes, however, even if you do hurt them, you make the proper amends, and make sure not to do it again.
But an overthinker doesn’t see the difference. All kinds of hurt are the same to them, so they falsely believe that you will do it too, and end up leaving like everybody did.
7) You’ll end up leaving like everybody did
Even if an overthinker finds a healthy relationship, they’ll think you will still end up leaving like everybody did. They don’t think they’re worthy enough for you to stay.
Because of an overthinker’s low self-esteem, they’re under the false belief that everyone they love will eventually leave, because they don’t deserve constant love.
They don’t think anyone will stay for them, and that’s probably because most of the people they loved left them to fend for themself when they most needed it.
Now that you know the false problems overthinkers worry about in relationships, what you need to know next is how to ease an overthinker’s worries:
Validate their feelings
An overthinker needs their feelings to be validated.
Even if the problems they worry about are not real, you need to validate the worries. Tell them their fears are valid, and you will make extra effort not to make them come true.
Validating their feelings is the first step to helping them get out of their head.
Help them get out of their head
Overthinkers think as much as they do because they can’t get out of their head.
And often, all they need is someone who would pull them out of their head in order to stop worrying.
So if you feel your partner spiraling, quickly pull them out of that funk. If they can count on you to do it every time, they’ll trust you more.
Be extra sensitive
Because they have too many worries, overthinkers are sensitive.
One wrong word and they’ll get hurt, so be careful with your words and your actions.
I know it can feel like you’re treading on eggshells, but if you truly love them, you must treat their feelings with extra caution.
When they see that you’re careful with their feelings, it makes them feel a little more reassured in the relationship.
Give them the assurance they need
More than anything, an overthinker needs assurance.
They worry too much, and they need to be sure that you will not turn these worries into realities.
But promising you won’t do these things is not enough. You also have to show that you’re making the effort not to make these worries come true.